Coke
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“I used to suck dick for coke!”
~ Bob Saget on coke
The word Coke derives from an ancient hindi phrase which translates to "we no sell slurpees after eleven!" It was once used as a racing fuel, but that usage is now prohibited under the U.S. National Hot Rod Association for safety reasons. It is also used in thermobaric weapons. It is an epoxy. Safety concerns aside, it is a stimulant of the central nervous system and an appetite suppressant, creating what has been described as a euphoric sense of happiness and increased energy. Coke can be psychologically addictive, and its possession, cultivation, and distribution is illegal for non-medicinal / non-government sanctioned purposes in virtually all parts of the world. In the scientific community Coke refers to the harmless white powder cocaine. However, in some impoverished neighborhoods, the word "Coke" is used only when referring to Coca Cola. It is also the arch-nemesis of Derek Smart
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[edit] Immediate Effects of Coke
[[Image:Crazyfatkid.gif|right|thumb|200px| this woman had 78 1/2 bottles of coke in 7.7 seconds shell take a piss for 30 days and 30 nights WARNING: Uncontrollable barfing and shitting after the ingesting of Coke or Pepsi!
Everybody knows that the immediate effects of Coke make you go insane (ie. The Godfather) who drinks coke on a daily basis and sniffs it like that guy from Scarface. Also, coke has been known to induce symptoms of patriotism, canadianity, and sudden bursts of swedish. <insert name here>, only you can stop coke's awful side effects! Only you can stop people from decaying their teeth off! Only you can save the world!! Someother side effects include the ability to be able to lift cars (ie. Superman) it can also help you stay awake all night to get that extra boost out of your wife. Although your wife might not want it but now that you can lift cars she'll obey.
[edit] Addictions to Coke
Many people in the United States, especially children, are gaining a growing addiction to coke and becoming severely horny as a result. This is probably because it contains "Goat Weed," the libido raising drug outlawed in imnumberable states after it was shown to cause blindness. In the American Society there is now an extremely high increase in the number of kids using coke. Last year alone school aged kids spent $750 million dollars on their coke addictions. In the good old days Coke used to be hard to find and was only available in slums, druggie neighbourhoods and cleverly concealed secret locations. Coke is a rampant and addicting product that can cause severe, and possibly permanent erections, unlike Pepsi which causes the opposite effect. Getting a erection is tough work with Pepsi. (Pepsi Man hasn't gotten a boner for 50 years and counting.) Both Pepsi and Coke are direct weapons of Satan.
Emo cats are kniown to love coke because it is leasbian
[edit] The meaning of the name
There is an urban legend that the Chinese translation for "Coca-Cola" is "Bite The Wax Tadpole." However, this has absolutely no basis in reality. Unfortunately, many gullible Westerners who know nothing of Chinese regard this as true. It has even made it into a book, Blunders in International Business by David Ricks and Giuseppe Bertola. These authors are guilty of neglecting basic research to verify something they present as fact.
By now it may be too late to reverse this bit of misinformation, since this made up BS is repeated ad infinitum by enthusiastic but ignorant Westerners. Truly, the stupidity of the masses is a mighty and unstoppable engine of destruction. Just think of how many people accidentally type killercoke.COM instead of killercoke.ORG.
The truth is Coca-Cola was a term created to cover up the terrible, horrible failure that was New Coke.
[edit] Health Problems
Many people do not know the serious side effects of drinking coke, other wise known as "doing coke". Some people do coke only once an a while but some people have made coke a daily habit. I don't. It's more of a social thing. It is becoming more and more common that not only do we see bums on the street and losers doing coke the addiction has spread to our families. It is no longer an uncommon sight to see kids as young as three years old doing coke in public. If you have coke, and you're in a poor neighborhood you can be sure to find someone, male or female to suck your cock for it.
Not only does coke cause the above problems, Diet Coke has been proven by modern science to be a leading cause of cancer in males and females ages 1-105. After passing the age of 105 the body's immune system creates a new antibiotic known as Chuck Norris cells. These cells can kill every disease ever, even spontaneous combustion. It is caused by the .0001% chance that a molecule of Ingredient X mutates into Ingredient Y. Ingredient Y is harmless by itself but has a 0.0000002% chance of mutating into a cancerous mass.
The discovery of uranium enriched urine of an unknown mammal in a batch of Coke Zero resulted in 3 resignations, including the Managing Director. He now manages the grill at Burger King in Camberley, Surrey, UK. He is said to be deeply saddened by the incident and would rather not discuss it publicly. He insists that he did not know how the substance ended up in the drink and would like to remind everyone that it is still safe to drink, although he no longer cares after leaving the company.
Contrary to popular belief, drinking 3 cans of Coke on the second Sunday of the month does not make your pubic hairs turn red, making you a firecrotch. Although sometimes when I drink Coke while playing with my right testicle the light reflects off the can making the pubic hairs appear red. This is only a temporary defection and can be cured by a number of things including masturbating and feeding a 4 year old male panda.
[edit] Production of Coke
Firstly: Coca Cola was not invented, nor can it be destroyed.
Coca Cola is said to have a highly secretive formula that no human being on this Earth knows completely, however it is known to contain Ingredient X. The truth is that there is no formula. As it can be easily inferred from trying to deplete a glass or any other container with this transcendental black bubbling beverage, it can never be finished.
Of course, the only exception to this is physically breaking the Container which depletes the Coca-Cola but could cause a reaction that could destroy the world.
As experience easily shows, a single infinitesimal amount of Coke can be split over and over again forever, seeming to actually increase its volume. The fact is that it breeds through meiosis when split up. You can try it at home by simply trying to completely finish up a glass of Coke.
The secret source of Coke is thus a single drop of it, that hit Earth in a meteorite or some kind of portal. It has been mineral-enriched and has since been kept in an industrial apparatus to split it thousands of times over, in a way that each droplet multiplies itself several million fold and fills each and every bottle and can of Coca Cola in the World.
One of the other factors is coke's high benzene count.
WARNING: Cover Our Ass DISCLAIMER FOLLOWS: Coca-Cola is often produced on equipment that processes Fanta. As with anything commonly found in Mexico, it is potentially dangerous.To counteract the adverse effects of this beverage, it is advised you drink urine. Coca-Cola, Inc. never intends anyone in North America drink it, but we cannot be held liable for cross contamination involving Fanta.
[edit] Coke VS. Pepsi
In their war against Pepsi, Coke leaked information to Pepsi executives suggesting that it would name its product the silly name "pepsi" hoping that Pepsi would steal the name. It worked and to Pepsi's horror, after stocking grocery store shelves around the world with Pepsi, Coke realeased its cooler named product a week later separated only by a row of Mountain Dew. To this day, people buy coke because it sounds better to order a rum and coke than a rum and pepsi. How gay. People who order rum and pepsi's should probably follow it with a curtsy and a giggle. Coke's bottom line is that Pepsi is for cheerleaders or little girls and is the reason for its winning the war against pepsi.It is however a fact that Pepsi gives you either AIDS or Cancer,we don't know yet,that is why people drink it-always a surprise!!!
[edit] Heres What The Evil Bastards At Wikipedia Say About Coke
Coke is a solid carbonaceous residue derived from low-ash, low-sulfur bituminous coal from which the volatile constituents are driven off by baking in an oven without oxygen at temperatures as high as 1,000 °C (1,832 °F) so that the fixed carbon and residual ash are fused together. Metallurgic coke is used as a fuel and as a reducing agent in smelting iron ore in a blast furnace. Coke from coal is grey, hard, and porous and has a heating value of 24.8 million Btu/ton (29.6 MJ/kg). Byproducts of this conversion of coal to coke include coal tar, ammonia, light oils, and "coal gas". Petroleum coke is the solid residue obtained in oil refining, which resembles coke but contains too many impurities to be useful in metallurgical applications.
[edit] Different Types of Coke
- Diet Coke (English-speaking countries, and Wales)
- Coke Lite (European Countries)
- Coke Light (Kazakhstan)
- Light Coke (the moon)
- Oscar Wilde™ Coke (so good, all who drank it turned into Oscar Wilde. Only one was made, only one was drunk. The man who drank it is now known as Oscar Wilde)
- Jesus Juice (Only available in The Neverland Ranch, Coming Soon to A Little Boy Near You)
- Coke with Berries (Uncyclopeida reccomends you never try this. It doesn't actually use berries, if you get my drift.)
- Coke Light with Berries (a drink for gay Kazakhstanis)
- Jesus-flavoured Light Coke Oscar Wilde™ Lite with Berries, Cherries, Strawberries, Strawcherriberries and Vanilla (a drink good enough to kill a man. Unless he is Bob Marley, who is already dead, and therefore can withstand side-effects such as death and/or Aids)
- Coke Zero(Coke with zero sugar - just tons of Splenda instead)
- ΚΌΚΔ ΚΘΊα (Greek Coke)
- Cocka-Cora (Chinese Coke)
- Coke-Free Coke (water and brown food colouring)
- Cthulhucola - for Cthulhu worsippers all around the world
- Coca-Cola 600
- Coke™
- Choke-a-Cola
- Date-rape Coke (illegal in Belgium)
- Pepsi-Coke™
