Cocaine
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“Drugs are fun.”
~ Captain Obvious on drugs
“It's like candy for your nose!”
~ Mars, Inc. on their new products
“Cocaine's a hell of a drug!”
~ Rick James on cocaine
“If you want to get down, you gotta take her out”
~ Eric Clapton on being awesome
“We Love Cracked Cocaine! We love Cracked Cocaine!”
~ GWAR on Cracked Cocaine
“It's not the side efect of the cocaine, I'm thinking that it must be love... ”
~ David Bowie on cocaine
Cocaine (scientific name Rickus Jamesius) colloquially known as Coke is a by-product of rye and was discovered by Saint Thomas Aquinas in 1255, purely by accident whilst he was urinating in a rye field in Parma. It was immediately exported all over the world and remains the biggest commodity of all rye harvesting countries. Rye can only be grown between August and September and must be harvested by lepers between 01:00 and 05:00 GMT on the last Sunday of September, so on those months over ten sevenths of the world's population are put to work without pay until the rye is delivered to the main processing plants in Washington D.C. in the United Spades of Amerika, Hull in England and the Labrador Peninsula in Canada where Eskimos still use the traditional method of "smashing", where the rye is literally smashed on the ice until the cocaine comes out. Hence the phrase, "High on rye," and the origin of St. Vitus' Day with its traditional gifts of bread sticks and coffins.
Cocaine was successfully synthesized in 1941 by United States Army Air Corps officer John Belushi.
Cocaine is primarily sold by young Americans with one letter names, who often smoke marijuana blunts.
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[edit] Forms of Cocaine
Cocaine as it is well known today does not arrive in the shape of coffee beans as it once did over 500 hundred years ago when the Spanish Conquistadors first began stealing it from the Aztecs in order to make it back to Spain on very little to eat. Gold is often mistaken as the reason why Cortez went ape-shit and killed all of the Aztecs, but it was really his ginormous cocaine addiction. This myth is further perpetuated and distorted in the Disney film, Pirates of the Carribean. Believe no-one, Cortez loved the white stuff. Today cocaine usually comes into all of world's countries from Columbia by a variety of extremely inventive methods. It can arrive via CIA transport, go-fast boat, helicopter, DC-3 light aircraft, across the ground on large hovercrafts, like the one seen in Rumble in the Bronx, and also be people who grab hand fulls of it from passed out stoners and run over the border. This is the least preferred method, as it is usually high in dirt from being dropped on the ground between Mexico and lake Placid.
Synthetic cocaine is rare but is of much higher grade. If you ever wish to procure any, just visit one of our nations large Universities that has a chemistry or pharmacology department. Usually you can meet some loser that has no friends, and these people are much more likely to manufacture pure grade-A blow for you, in exchange for a small friendship.
When buying cocaine on the street, it's perfectly acceptable and is usually preferred to run around extremely ghetto neighborhoods yelling at the top of your lungs, "Bring out the Cocaine!!! My nose is a burning for a WHITE LINE HOMIES!!!!" Most of the time citizen's will try to sell you as much as you want, simply out of trying to get you to shut the fuck up.
Once you procure your bag of whiteness, you should smell it for impurities. Cocaine in it's natural state has no odor, but it will absorb whichever odor it is around. For example, if your coke smells like fertilizer, chances are it came through Mexico on a truck that was loaded with fertilizer. If it smells like large colon, it was probably swallowed by a drug mule and carried back into the country by the mule's small intestine, where it was excreted into a toilet in some 7-11 bathroom stall. If it does not make your tongue numb on first inspection, punch your drug dealer in the face, take all his money,and run like hell. Cocaine is a local anesthetic, and while there are other white stimulants, very few can also cause your tongue to go numb. you may experience loss of feeling in the penis
[edit] Crack Cocaine
- Main article: Crack
Another highly addictive form of cocaine is Crack Cocaine (often confused with crack). This form is a naturally occurring evaporite-silicate mineral which consists mainly of the ammonium salt of oxidized cocaine (NH4(blow)2). Commonly found as vein deposits from cannibalized evaporite sedimentary rocks, the valuable crack cocaine is extensively mined and exploited worldwide. Crack cocaine is also often associated with various nickel ores and deposits, although it's primary sources are evaporites which are deposited across coastlines and behind tidal bars in the tropics, particularly along the South American northern coast.
Although harmless in it's natural solid rock state, once processed this can suddenly transform into some mind blowing shit. However, due to child labor involved in the extraction where children under the age of 12 can be forced to mine for crack cocaine for up to 15 hours a day in the pitch black mines, possession and trade of crack cocaine is now illegal in several western hemisphere countries.
However, in some EU countries (UK and Germany in particular) the crack cocaine in its pure ore form is a valuable resource in medicine, science and jew hunting. Not only is the substance used as a cheaper alternative to morphine in hospitals, it is also used in the manufacture of thermostats, capacitors, toothpaste and space craft circuit boards due to it's ability to withstand temperatures of 3200-3350 degrees Celsius without expanding or melting significantly.
[edit] Top crack-cocaine exporting countries
[edit] Where to Buy
Rico on 33rd, his shit is the BOMB. But DO NOT buy from Freddy on 34th, that shit is far from cocaine...
Also, Jim Bob who owns that crack den in Ganton, his is great. Don't even look at Peppy Clownface... his shit's nearly pure but she fucking robs you to get any of that shit. Also Jizzy Mick has some fucking crazy shit, best stuff around. Just find him smoking pot in the photography labs.
You might also want to consider Dr. Snow, he's got a mad stash.
You can get it from Tommy Two Teeth, his number is 0800-SNIFF.
Also, Mr. Jackson from Wellington College supplys it to the 1st years that he forces to mud-wrestle as an entry test. It turns him on.
If you're looking for it in Scotland, click EDIT and then leave me your mobile number here. I promise to deliver. Every time.
[edit] Slang Terms
- doughty
- Riding the Monorail
- Riding a lot of rails (generally used in social settings such as Church or Public School)
- Going to Peewee's Playhouse
- Glaciers
- David Blowie
- Alaskan Marching Powder
- Michael Caine
- The Legend of the Yeti
- An ounce (oz) of cocaine is called an "Onion". Also because you cry like a little bitch when you run out of it.
- Camilla
- Riding the yellow bus to downtown compton.
- Nose Candy
- Crank
- Taking the Double Diamond chairlift to the top of the mountain
- Show me the FEVER!
- White Christmas
- Fucking a Unicorn
- methyl (1R,2R,3S,5S)-3- (benzoyloxy)-8-methyl-8-azabicyclo[3.2.1] octane-2-carboxylate
- humping a elephant
- licking a melted doorknob
- Snowboarding nose-first
- Marion berry Pie
- Disco Shit
- Devilled Eggs
- Overjewage
- Polar Bear in a Snowstorm
- Doing dubya
- The Barker Special
- Doughty
- Humping a tree
- jacking off
[edit] Euphemisms created by people who do too much cocaine
At times when a cocaine user gets really bored and all he or she ends up is talking about how much cocaine they do, they start coming up with strange euphemisms involving the way they do coke in lines or size. For example, if somebody named Zeek did a shitload more coke than you did, and one day, you decide to do a line his size, you'd call it a "Zeek-sized line". Another creative one would be the "Bob Barker Special," which is a six-inch fat line of coke... mainly for the reason that Bob Barker from The Price is Right, is mainly all white.
Small amounts of cocaine are sometimes referred to as a "Bobby", "Bobette", or "Bob the Builder". No matter how much you snort, however, it will never be as godly as a CRACK ROCK chilling on my CRACKPIPE. For shizzle yo.
[edit] Henry the Green Engine's "Talk to the Hand, Ernest the Engine"
- If you want Some Welsh Coal, you gotta freebase some more; cocaine.
- If you want a small cock, or you've just lost some stock; cocaine.
- You can buy, you can buy, you can buy; cocaine.
- If you want to invest, you gotta start to ingest; cocaine.
- When your day is done and your nose starts to run; cocaine.
- You can buy, you can buy, you can buy; cocaine.
- If your septum is gone and you wanna snort on; cocaine.
- Don't forget this fact, you can't grow it back; cocaine.
- You can buy, you can buy, you can buy; cocaine.
- You can buy, you can buy, you can buy; cocaine."
- ~ Henry the Green Engine's 'Talk to the Hand, Ernest the Engine'
Note: the above song is not to the tune of That's Amore. Sorry, try again. It's actually to the tune of "Cocaine" by Eric Clapton
[edit] Cocaine in Popular Culture
- Skeletor once made Beastman do some coke. It keeps him up all night and it's no joke.
- Ayumi Hamasaki is A well noted Coke Fiend and is quoted saying "I FUCKING LOVE THAT SHIT"
- In a WWE Storyline, The Undertaker got coked up with Stone Cold Steve Austin, but Triple H wanted some and their wasn't enough for everyone. Then Edge got involved, so they had a fatal four way for the coke, Undertaker won the eighth and shared it with Austin, only to be stunnered after a line. I'm funny
- Martin Luther King Jr. once said in his dream "I'm so high I think I got a nosebleed! You got a nosebleed? Don't it smell so sweet!" Yes. Don't it? Don't it smell so sweet? WHHHHIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF08:17, 28 February 2008 (UTC)..::.:.~~..
I don't like coke, i just like the way it smells
[edit] See also
- Propane
- Amy Winehouse
- Coca-Cola
- Crackaine
- Bush's National Guard service
- Honey
- Booger Sugar
- Kitten Huffing
- Line
- Nose-powdering
- Sandwich
- Mashed Potatoes
- Billy Carter
- The War on Drugs
- Nose Candy
- Academy Award™ Winning Actor Michael Caine
- Skeletor
- Beastman
- HowTo:_Go_to_Work_on_Drugs_-_Part_1
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