Coconuts
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Coconuts are the elemental building block of life. This theory was first developed by The Professor (real name Professor Andmaryann). They were discovered in the Galapagos during his scientific voyage aboard the Beagle. Indigenous to the windswept steppes of Isla Gilligano (the lamest of the Galapagos) the coconut is a small, yellow citrus fruit.
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[edit] Description
A coconut is a very delicious fruit that is surrounded by a VERY hard shell. The Coconut shell is so hard it has been known to crack dried cement and even cut diamonds into millions of tiny bits.
It is very hard to open up a Coconut but it has been proven to be possible without having to break the laws of physics. Many ways involve taking a drill or morphing a magical school bus into a drill that's harder than diamonds and cutting open the Coconut.
There is also a story which goes that it was not the Apple that fell on Newton's head but a child coconut (Machinga) from a kaattuveezhcha-infected coconut tree.
Coconuts migrated from the tropics with the aid of swallows.
coconuts come in many shapes and sizes, one of the more notable variaties of coconut is the so called... "sentient coconut" a coconut which can mimic almost perfectly the behavioral characteristics of a human being. these perversities of nature creep up on unsuspecting young children, and brainwash them into stormtroopers for the evil empire.
[edit] Uses
Though his years of research, the Professor discovered that coconuts had a number of uses.
- Construction material (but not for aquatic vehicles)
- Fashion statement (bra)
- Migration- see Monty Python and The Holy Grail
- Radio crystals
- Flavoring for tropical drinks
- Horse sound effect
- Flame Retardant
- Human Retardant
- Termite Poison
- Intravenous Hallucinogenic drug
- Sexual aide
- Impromtu paint bomb
- tasteful houshold decoration
- candle holder
- object of ridiclue for people with inferiority complexes.(nickname)
- Turning young Jedi over to the dark side
The Professor later split the coconut atom, creating a nearly limitless power source. Using this method, the Professor created a nuclear powered submarine to escape Isla Gilligano. In addition, when splitting the atom, the coconut was broken into its component elements; Coco (Atomic symbol M&M) and Nuts (atomic symbol Peanut M&M)this gave rise to all sorts of nastyness such as the coconutomic bomb, and indirectly, the frosties kid.
[edit] Hazards
Unfortunately, coconuts are not without their perils, they include:
! Extreme Warning !
Coconuts kill more people per year than sharks!!!
when you see a coconut shout OMFG A COCONUT!!!
- Almond Joy (and their female form Mounds)
- They are the leading cause of Amnesia (caused by a falling coconut striking a victim in the head)
- Annoying songs involving lovely bunches
- Danger to unattended small children.
After decades of study, the life cycle, mating habits, and colorful plumage of this tropical fruit were examined and cataloged
- Life Cycle: The average coconut can live 3 score and 20 fortnights
- Mating habits: Coconuts are non-migratory, and so require the intervention of an African Swallow. The swallow grips the Coconut by the husk and flies it to another Coconut tree. however, some use the more conventional method of simply bobbing along, carried by the Gulf Stream There, a beautiful and magical process occurs (Ask your Mom).
It could be carried by an african swallow or European swallow!
- Plumage: The Male coconut aquires a colorful yellow on blue coat of feathers during mating season, but at most points in his life remains a dull brown colour and is prone to mood swings.
- Coconuts are... Fuzzy, cuddly, can be dropped multiple times without breaking its rockhard body, make good pets (easy to feed, like to go one walks). Also many coconuts now also speak Bihari hindi fluently. legally a person is allowed to keep upto 10 coconuts, however jedi master Yoda has been seen parading through Exeter with over 200 coconut sentients as slaves to pull his go-cart.
In fact, until this was known, many people found a distinct difficulty when communicating with coconuts. Many tried Spanish, Italien, or even the ancient red indian tradition of Drumming
[edit] How to
As stated above there are several uses for coconuts, this section is dedicated to trying to help you get the best and worst from your coconut.
- Impromtu paint bomb:
STEP 1 Purchase a coconut and if you havent got one, a drill and some paint, (enough to fill a coconut 3/5 full, different colours if your feeling fruity), put a small amount of petrol/gas in, not enough to do any serious damage but enough to sends shards of red hot coconut flying in every direction. place a piece of card or wedge a generous amount of paper in the drilled hole. light the paper/card and roll into your bedroom, promptly scramble out and close the door, lean on the door if it opens outwards. after the coconut has ceased exploding find any resident adults and show them what a brilliant job you have done of repainting your bedroom, garage, bike, or if you want the front of your house! DO NOT attempt to paint any family pets this way.
- Construction material:
To use your coconut as building material first buy several coconuts, depending on the size of the project you may need to buy more.
STEP 1 take the coconut home and put it on a solid surface, you will need to pierce the outer shell with some sort of spike, if there is a food screw used for jabbing into chickens to release the fat/juices use this. Drain the coconut juice into a glass and then sieve this into another glass, put the juice to one side.
STEP 2 place the coconut in an oven at gas mark5/ 200°c, cook for about 5 minutes and then remove, wait for it to cool down and then strip the hairy outer layer off as much as possible, Place it on a stable piece of ground, (not on the front porch or anywhere where it can go through the floor), get a hold of a gun and earmuffs (ask parents before and promise to pay for ammunition afterwards),place the earmuffs on, turn the safety off and cock the gun, hold it against the coconut firmly and pull the trigger making sure you dont point the gun at any thing else while firing, three shots are recommended to pierce the shell.
STEP 3 smash the rest of the coconut open and using the biggest knife you can find, slice the flesh from the shell and chop the flesh into cubes. repeat as many times as necessary until you have enough to make a small fort. make a concrete mix from quick dry cement and mix in the coconut juice from earlier. build a sizable fort and challenge your friends to attack you in it, keep hold of the gun and use as necessary.
- Fashion statement (bra):
STEP 1 This is relatively simple; get hold of a machete, axe, hacksaw, or if you're feeling brave shapen the edge of your hand. Obtain a coconut and get someone else to hold it out in their hands, bring whatever blade you chose to use (or your hand), and bring it swiftly down onto the coconut (try not to slice your assitant's hands off). Get some string, drill a hole into the very edge (about 1.5 cms in) of one half of the coconut, repeat for the side, half way around, repeat for the second coconut. Thread a small piece of string thorugh the closest holes of the two coconuts and tie the ends into a knot on the interior so the string doesn't fall out. Repeat for the longer section depending on the size of the person in question. Paint with garish colours that even a colour blind homosexual would hate. Give to whoever as a present and sit back and wait for the praise to come in.
- Radio crystals:
STEP 1 The process for powering radios with shards of coconut is quite simple, working in an unlit room on an even numbered day, at night.... 11:00 pm - 1:00 am, with one eye closed, balancing on an upturned cup... with a burning ring of petrol around you to provide the light. After this you need to sacrifice something, (arm, leg, finger, a small tuft of hair, dog, the instructions didn't say what so use your own judgement) when all of this is complete put a radio on the floor just inside the burning ring of fire.
STEP 2 Hurl a coconut at it as hard as possible. The coconut should hit it and both should go flying through the fire stuck to one another, when they have stopped moving drape whatever you sacrificed over the radio/coconut mess and leave it for 1 year, 4 months, 1 day, 4 hours, 1 minute and 4 seconds. Return occasionaly to top up the burning oil, add more of whatever you sacrificed if it rots. There you have it your very own coconut powered radio. Simple really.
