Coffee

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Coffee. Must have Coffee.
Coffee. Must have Coffee.
Coffee is a Class A substance.
Coffee is a Class A substance.
The Blue Man Group loves to dream of coffee and green army men.
The Blue Man Group loves to dream of coffee and green army men.
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“This stuff made it all possible.”

~ God on coffee

“Blacker than a moonless night, hotter and more bitter than Hell itself.”

~ Godot on coffee

“Any color as long as its black.”

~ Henry Ford on coffee

Coffee, often confused with Cum of the Gods, is a liquid containing various properties, such as the expansion of pubic hair, as well as the destruction of nearby swastikas and communists.

Contents

[edit] Origins

A common misbelief is that coffee was invented by George bush in ~3000 as a birthday surprise for Osamaa Binladen. In reality coffee was invented by a famous Finnish inventor Sir Thomas Coffee. He was paid in the blood of Satan for one of his musical gigs and mixed it with hot water as well as various other things.

However, many religious believers attribute coffee to one of their deities, with atheists saying that coffee is the only God, and developed all life.

Another theory states that coffee was created by nuclear waste from Hiroshima. This holds little weight, however, because coffee is shown is historical records as early as 19-eleventy-6.

The true origin of coffee, however matters little, because its use was not common until the late 1700's, when British men living in the colonies realized that they well, weren't very manly. They gave up two of their most ridiculous habits: tea drinking, Talking posh and wanking. The result: manly, American men giving firm handshakes and drinking their coffee the only proper way - with a pleasant blend of sugar and vanilla flavored coffee creamer.

[edit] Controversy

The exact preparation of coffee remains a secret to this day because coffee is said to cause Global Warming by Al Gore, who is now a journalist and scientist ergo credible.

My Chemical Romance lead singer Gerard Way, blamed coffee for every bad thing that's ever happened to him. He also blamed everyone and everything else. Show the guy some love by abandoning his gay emo songs.

The half life of radioactive coffee isotope Co178 is 300 days. Drinking this variety is unwise unless you are starting your dissertation.

Mormons believe coffee to be evil, as they claim it is a form of idol worship and witchcraft. Following public ridicule, this belief was changed to include all caffeine.

Coffee is known to cause cancer in the State of California, and prevent it elsewhere. In Houston TX coffee is illegal to drink whilst in a taxi and in the workplace it must be drank 5 times a day.

[edit] Secret of Coffee

The secret to unlocking the best flavor of coffee is classified by the CAA, or Central Assassination Agency (not to be confused with the people who couldn't even kill Castro). All notes below are not to be read, lest Peewee Herman murder you on the United States government's behalf.

Coffee causes more liver damage than plutonium but temporarily reduces ones appetite, energizes, and encourages small muscle growth.

It is rumored that coffee in most fast-food restaurants and convenience stores (ie, McDonald's, Dunkin' Donuts, Sheetz, 7-11, and your very own kitchen cupboard) can be made by mixing two highly toxic ingredients: hot water and "100% Arabica Beans." This combination creates a mixture so deadly that the employees at all of the convenience stores/places of breakfasting will not touch the liquid which they so willingly sell to their customers. This explains two phenomena: why people do not drink coffee from their own kitchen cupboards, and why the employees at these establishments always seem unaware.

[edit] Types of coffee

Turkish Coffee being made on an espresso machine.
Turkish Coffee being made on an espresso machine.
  • Instant coffee, DO NOT BE FOOLED HOWEVER. Instant coffee only shares the name "coffee" with real coffee, it is NOT real coffee.
  • Whatever could be harvested that was free of radium.
  • Venezuela.

[edit] Facts about Coffee

  • If you can manage to replace your soul with coffee, you will live forever.
  • Has been linked to the assassination of former US president JFK
  • Coffee has a clever guise, in tablet form going under the name Pro-Plus.
  • Coffee = math - Where n = Caffeine™ and x = Beans™
  • The Hot Coffee Mod is not actually a moderator at all.
  • An excessive overdose of Coffee can lead to a serious medical condition; Batshit insanity
  • In some countries, coffee is used by adult females as a sort of perfume; however, the extreme temperatures at which coffee is served is a drawback, often causing second or third degree burns in places where bright red spots are not currently fashionable.
  • Coffee was in fact created by God, iced coffee was created by man, and instant coffee was created by Satan Himself.
  • Lack of coffee explains why your girlfriend always has to ask, "Are you in yet?"
  • It is a well known fact that drinking 100 coffees in a row, will result in you transcending humanity and time will slow down around you. everybody else will just see a blur.
  • Coffee is actually made from mixing pure flavor with the essence of awesome.

[edit] Coffee and the Law

A woman, cleverly disguised as a banana stealing leaves on top of a coffee tree.
A woman, cleverly disguised as a banana stealing leaves on top of a coffee tree.

In the year 12:35:40 PM a lewd act was passed in Toytown, Starbucks, confirming the Class A status of coffee. The Ghostbusters have contested this act and failed. They were consequently imprisoned for coffee trafficking from this realm to the undead.

[edit] Coffee and hospital dramas/comedies

Coffee features heavily on virtually every single hospital drama since time began. Take for example some hospital drama that has recently been shown on some amercican network. Each episode revolves around a single day in the life of some young doctor doing stuff. Here's his daily routine and plot of a random episode:

6:30 am

"Oh my head what was i drinking last night? Oh yes COFFEE."

7:00 am

"Some COFFEE for breakfast would be nice"

8:00 am

" I'll get a COFFEE at this stall on my way to work "

8:30 am

" And another COFFEE from this vending machine before i start work will be nice"

10: 30 am

"HI GUYS! What do we want for brunch, i know, COFFEE"

12: 20pm

" YUM COFFEE for lunch "

2:30pm

"It's mid- afternoon. I need a boost. Some COFFEE will do the trick"

5:00pm

" OK guys i'm off now , I've got a date with < blonde nurse in her 20s> i'm going to grab a COFFEE before i go"

7:00pm

" You have beautiful eyes. Do you want some COFFEE for dessert? And then we can go back to my place for COFFFEE.

11:30pm

" I need to sleep , i have another day drinking COFFEE ahead of me. A COFFEE will help me sleep and it will be a tasty night cap"

And thats Goodnight from us and Goodnight from our sponsor; NESCAFE. Tune in next week when he drinks some more COFFFEE!!!!!!!!!!!

[edit] Scottish Legal Position

In recent months in Scotland, the legal status of coffee has become debatable with a number of high profile busts in Glasgow and Alva. To date in 2007, there have been 2889 prosectutions for aggrivated possession and 194 for possession with intent to supply. The law allows possession of coffee for personal use but the law does not make it clear how much this constitutes.

Despite the prosecutions, coffee is currently drunk by an estimated 84% of the Scottish population. Around half are considered problem users. Coffee is openly sold in the streets however police are getting tough on people open consuming it in the street. As a result, many Cafes have opened up. Known locally as Cannabis cafes, these smoky rooms allow coffee addicts to consume their favourate caffeined beverage in a nice atmosphere.

Cannabis is also consumed in these cafes since the 2007 ruling (the Toke act that if Jacqui Spliff does it then so can you. The police greeted the decision with an unsurprising "aye". Despite this use, most of the clientele are there for the coffee: and they drink it: HARD. The cannabis smoke disguises the smell of the coffee and addicts are known to spend up to $8 (Scottish) for a single cup. The marijuana is provided free by the cafe owner so that the client gets sleepy and needs more coffee (Srewd bastards).

Coffee possession in Scotland can get you ten years hard labour or a 6 month job working for the DWP. The alternative is a $8000 fine or a death by caffeine overdose.

[edit] Philosophical Questions Concerning Coffee

[edit] Should children drink coffee?

Most medical experts agree that people under the age of 21 should not drink coffee. This belief has nothing to do with stunting the patient's growth, as our grandmothers once believed. Studies have proven that youths have no need to drink coffee, as their bloodstreams are already seething with natural caffiene, which is called "youth". The addition of coffee to the teenage bloodstream will cause anxiety, increased heart rate, insanity, rotten egg gas, pregnancy, mental retardation, baldness, stinky feet, and the wrath of satan. People over thirty, however, have been known to suffer those very same ailments for lack coffee, especially upon waking. When asked for comment, the National Coffee Council put us on hold while they ran to Starbucks.

[edit] How to chill the coffee?

One of the most coffy questions concerning philosophy is how to make it colder when it's tongue flaming. One'd just add water to it, but the highly-concentrated-coffee-defensors has claimed the court as it was racist behavior. Other'd simply use two cups and change the liquid from one to the other until the coffee has a temperature adequate. Mathematicians usually condemn the latter as they believe this can be optimized to use only one cup.

The pragmatist will only have half a cup of hot coffee, but will have 2 of them, and save one for later to mix with the second half-cups. This way there is always room temperature coffee to mix with too-hot coffee. Never throw out a pragmatist's coffee.

Unfortunately, there's no deterministic way to solve this. The IAFECC (International Association for Enhancement of Coffee Consumption) recommends you to chill the coffee using a ventilator, in order to your drink to not lose its taste and flavour. But recent research are inheriting methods from other industry. Although the first attempt to bring the McDonalds refrigerant chilling methods was unsuccessfully (since a coffee cup can't bear the same amount of ice that a McDonald refrigerant cup can), the lasts tests are showing up that the cup of coffee can bear a pretty time inside a inner tube with air conditioner, what's a beautiful new; however, the method is only costly-worthy for big fat vendors, so you can forget it now.

It has also been said that there is a cult that worships coffee as their new God. This "Liquid Jesus" is said to promise eternal everlasting consciousness.

[edit] Chilled Coffee?

Yes, chilled coffee. Coffee with ice in it. As long as it is made with real beans, it is just as refreshing as hot coffee. However, ice with coffee is a no no, just as water with a little liquid coffee is a no no. So the next time a cafe hands you a majoritively ice cup of coffee instead of chilled coffee, make a fuss. If necessary set Catgirls on them. Do not confuse chilled coffee with cold coffee however.

[edit] Cold Coffee

Cold coffee is coffee in a mug that has been left out and remains undrunk, it is a crime punishable by death to waste coffee. As long as it is drunk within 2 days of brewing cold coffee can extend your life by 3 minutes. HOWEVER, instant coffee that has been left out and gone cold is a potent poison, causing hallucinations and even death. Many conspiracies have involved the effects of cold instant coffee, including, the assassination of JFK (see above). Julias Caeser was in fact killed by cold instant coffee and not Brutus. Jimi Hendrix, also killed by cold instant coffee.

[edit] People who like to make Coffee

Kofi Annan suckles the sweet brown nectar
Kofi Annan suckles the sweet brown nectar
Godot is a coffee addict..
Godot is a coffee addict..


[edit] See also

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Coffee.


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