Coheed and Cambria

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“They just ripped me off”

~ Oscar Wilde on Coheed and Cambria

“Rush, Iron Maiden, and Star Wars had a baby.”

~ An Obtuse Description

“He has cool hair”

~ Excactly minus egg

“This band sucks”

~ Claudio Sanchez on Coheed and Cambria

Lead singer Claudio Sanchez in the process of preparing his hourly lu-Waitasecond. He's the singer?!?

Coheed and Cambria is the greatest most fucking awesome band ever created in the history of forever. Claudio Sanchez aka The Messiah was spawned into existence after God decided that the world of music was declining. God decided he needed to one up Satan after the dark lord created bands such as Nsync and all country acts. So, God created the Gibson Explorer and took it to each corner of the earth, making every amazing source of music touch it and drain its power. Kind of like that basketball from Space Jam. This is the sole reason Led Zeppelin will never do a reunion tour. "He took all me guitar playing power mate" said Jimmy Page. After filling the Explorer with all the musical power from the universe, God struck one very difficult and technical chord and from the guitar spawned Claudio Sanchez. Then the lord gave him the guitar and said "Go forth and fucking rock my child".

Jesus was jealous.

Claudio then traveled the earth searching for three disiciples whom he found worthy to follow him in his quest to create the greatest band in history. Thus came Michael, Travis and Josh.

Since then Coheed and Cambria have joined together and toured the world non stop. Never sleeping or eating as "that stuff is for mortals".

They have rocked the world and musically castrated every band since then. Hence the tight pants.

1 The Story of Coheed from Cumbria
2 Coheed and Cambria Discography
3 Track listing on The Second Level Combine Harvester Blade (2002)
4 Track listing on In Keeping Cows In Silent Barns (2003)
5 Track Listing on Father's Almanac I'm Burning Peat IV , Volume One: From Rain Through the Hay and Turf (2005)
6 Track Listing for Father's Almanac, Volume Two: Electric Boogaloo (2007)

[edit] The Story of Coheed from Cumbria

The story is told in several different parts. The first album, Second Level Combine Harvester Blade, is the second part of the story and is the start of Coheed's quest to find Key Workers in agriculture to return to their posts, yet it is the first album.

It starts with some guy and a chick who need to kill their children to save the world... But one of the kids, Claudio (a rip-off from the lead singer because he has no creative ability and cannot think of an original name) lives and the parents die somehow and then the kid wants to get revenge or something.

The second album, In Keeping Cows in Silent Barns, continues with Claudio waking up to find himself bleeding in the middle of summer. He gets a tampon, and puts it in. He hitches a ride from a racist serial killer named Wierd Al in his camper, which he named Veronica, or something. In fact, Wierd Al happened to like naming inanimate objects, like his shotgun, which he named The Failure of Heart. Al drove Coheed to his house in the Atlantic Ocean, which could never sink due to the fact that several Crows held it above the water.

Farmer's Almanac, I'm Burning Peat IV Volume One: From Rain Through The Hay and Turf, is the third album. No one knows exactly what the hell happens here, but it has something to do with Wierd Al's demon-worshipping bicycle. Oh yeah and this bitch get hes skanky ass stabbed. Claudio becomes the " Moaning" and becomes emo and starts to cry and shit. The last songs are about him getting revenge. Again.

Volume Two is supposedly the end of the story, featuring Claudio's mother, Mother Superfluous, pulling the trigger of the Failure of Heart just in time to save him from his brother's Blood Machine. At this point Claudio's voice finally cracks and the story is left unfinished. And the CD sucks, swallows and blows. Pick a fucking type playing! From garrage, opera, metal, and electronica. What the fuck?!?! Electronica is nothing like the band!

[edit] Coheed and Cambria Discography

The Second Level Combine Harvester Blade (2002)
In Keeping Cows in Silent Barns (2003))
Father's Almanac, I'm Burning Peat IV Volume One: From Rain Through the Hay and Turf (2005)
MasterBean in Amsterdam; LittleBoy vs. Muscle-Man. (2006)
Farmer's Almanac, Volume Two: The World Is Gonna Fuckin' End (2007)

[edit] Track listing on The Second Level Combine Harvester Blade (2002)

1. The Second Level Combine Harvester Blade
2. Cow Manure
3. Cows in Texas City
4. Everything Feeble
5. Anorexia Trigger
6. Sunshine Senior Miracle
7. 333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333333 (They were bored when coming up with a song title)
8. MySpace Cumshot
9. Neverending Story
10. Satan Spawned Rancher
HIDDEN TRACK

IRO-BO-Cop

[edit] Track listing on In Keeping Cows In Silent Barns (2003)

1. The Wind Chime in Return
2. In Keeping Cows in Silent Barns
3. Scratches Marked In The Best Cows
4. Six Hundred and Sixty-Six Evils (All owned by Satan)
5. The Moaning
6. Alien Blood-Green Winter
7. The Not-So-Velorium Camper I: Weakest of Pulses
8. The Not-So-Velorium Camper II: Entry of Never
9. The Not-So-Velorium Camper III: We Really Love Ichi The Killer
10. A Favor Farm Western
11. The Dark and the Cows
12. A Shit-Load of Everything
13. A Shit-Load of Everything
14-17. A Shit-Load of Everything
19-21. This Shit is Getting Really Boring
22. We Should Stop making Pointless Silent Tracks That are 5-6 Seconds Long Each
23. 36:24:36(This is actually Claudio's measurements since he is a girl and all)