Cold

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The Cold is the most silent viral predator on the planet. Contracted chiefly through buttock-to-cold-floor transfusion (hence the name), the cold virus is ubiquitous, and can penetrate nearly all clothing materials including denim, polyester, and mocha. Only women can catch a common cold - the much more deadly male alternative is man-flu.

[edit] History

The common cold was discovered circa 1 BCE, which means Before the Cold Era. Prior to this time, the earth's floor was temperate year-round. After the last Ice Age in 2 BCE, however, no single part of the terrestrial surface regained its prior mildness. When civilization began in January of 1 BCE, humans inherited a frigid, forbidding surface. To combat this, they built marble and ceramic floors, but, owing to civilization's relative ignorance, they failed to understand that those particular materials were ideal conductors of the cold. Thusly, the first Cold Plague spread like a wildfire, except unhot. Some archaeologists now believe that the Cro-Magnon race was completely obliterated by this first plague. Others, however, point to Myspace as proof that Cro-Magnons never died out, but rather lived underground where their proximity to the earth's molten core enabled their survival. At any rate, none but the most idiosyncratic fringe groups deny that the Cold Plague wiped out nearly everyone in its path.

Two minutes later, an old gypsy woman, rubbing the moon out of her eyes, was overheard telling her great-grandson to stand up "before you catch cold." This led to the famous hypothesis that there existed a not-so-common cold, and the rest is history. It is now widely feared that the uncommon cold virus will soon mutate itself into a superfly-booty-cold, which will spread by human-to-human means through such common buttock maneuvers as the Chicken Dance and the Humpty Hump. Anyone who fears that they may have been infected is strongly urged to keep their buttocks clenched at all times. If you are black, homosexual or otherwise unsure how to do this, Catholic nuns have been specially appointed by the World Health Organization to demonstrate this lifestyle.

[edit] Epidemiology

Typically, the common cold has an incubation period of four days. Thus, first symptoms appear roughly a few hours from first anal cold floor contact. The cold virus, invisible to the naked eye, penetrates pants by serenading them with wine, roses and Jenna Jameson films, proceeding to climb through the anal cavity and coming to rest upon the coccyx. The uncommon cold is shy and reserved, and will typically resort to rigging Adult Friend Finder matches in order to gain access to one's buttocks.

Colds do not discriminate. They will, if given the opportunity, infect buttocks of any size, color, or flavor. Point in fact: Oprah's famously gargantuan caboose has been infected 3,872,506 times this year alone, even though it tastes like curried goat and deep-fried licorice.

Make no mistake. The cold, common or uncommon, will fcuking pwn ur a$$ unless you're a jedi. Even then, you'll probably have your a$$ pwned.

[edit] Controversy

The cold has been accused of being used by the Bush Administration to place fear into the hearts of American citizens. Originally, it was believed the Al Qaeda or some other fucking terrorist organization had developed it and would later look back and lol at their work. The terrorist group who developed it is getting fucking pissed because the Bush Administration is getting a lot of the credit for developing the virus because people with too much time on their hands pour over videos of people getting colds. Things found in these videos that point to a conspiracy theory are Dick Cheney

[edit] Somewhat Interesting, okay not really... Trivia

Dispite popular Belief, not wearing shoes in aorder to avoid contact with Plastic things at the end of your shoelace will NOT decrease your odds of getting a cold.

-Droplets appear BEFORE a person sneezes. WTF?

-Everyone is directly affected by a cold once in their life, except George Bush.

-When a person coughs, their hand goes STRAIGHT to their mouth.

-After a sneeze, things come out of their nose.

-Trojans won the Trojan war, it's all a lie made up by the Greeks so they could get credit for somethin'

-Harry Potter is real

-Donkey Racing is the national sport of the Empire of California

American Troops were close to catching the cold, but as the phrase goes, "You're so bad/slow/stupid you couldn't even catch a cold." It is believed the cold is somewhere in Afghanistan. Or Iraq. Or Iran. You know what. I'm sick of your attitude.

The cold has been accused of being a copy cat of the flu, but in many cases the cold takes things too far and can even lead to the inability to properly pronounce words.

Listening to The Cure will not help the cold. So turn down your radio and close your window!!

[edit] See Also

The Cold War -- in which over 40 gazillion unsuspecting soldiers became ill from squatting for years on Berlin's frigid soil