Coldplay
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“Puttin the false in falsetto!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Coldplay
Coldplay is an English pro-heterosexual straight man's Nirvana spin-off and the band Bono wipes his ass with when there's no bathroom tissue. Also known as The Chris Martin Band (2008) and Fake Plastic Radiohead Cans (2004). Chris Martin is their singer and main songwriter, while the rest of the band are nameless stand-ins in the tradition of Milli Vanilli; producers and session musicians Brian Eno, Nigel Godrich, Mark Hollis, Jeff Beck, and Pino Palladino are hired to record and arrange songs. Due to the falling trend in good-looking, UFO/Satan worshiping lead singers, names such as "The Chris Martin Band" were dropped in favor of "Coldplay" because Martin claims "that it sounded so gay, everybody in the world had to like it." [Hiatt, B. (2008, June 26). Chris Martin: The Rolling Stone Interview. Rolling Stone, 1055, 52-58]
Coldplay started out as a bad Oasis band that went gay beyond the pale of groups such as Blur and Joy Division. Their first hit single "Yellow" was formerly named "Thin Pale Supermodels" and failed to break into the English charts, whose audience preferred the music of Nada Surf, Oasis, U2, and Radiohead.
After renaming the song "Yellow" to suggest a more ambiguous hook -- that of being in love with Chinese male/female/transgendered Hong Kong prostitutes -- the band earned huge acclaim worldwide (except from China, who quickly banned Coldplay from their nation in perpetuity). Due to subliminal messages that occurred inside the single (most listeners were aroused at the thought of banging a Chinese whore that looked like Zhang Ziyi) listeners sent the record Parachutes soaring, with sales of 2.5 million records sold.
Years later, Martin said at a London press conference (2005), "Clive (Davis) will rule the world . . . Clive or Al Gore, that is." From journalists to music industry insiders, no one was able to figure out what he really meant by that comment, like everything else he said.
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[edit] Chris Martin's Grimms Fairy Tale Past
A little known connection to Coldplay are the children's nature shows Kratt's Creatures and Zoboomafoo. The brothers starring in these shows, Chris (Martin) and Martin Kratt, were the siblings of Britney Spears, a very promiscuous Cheshire Cat. Unfortunately, Kratt's was losing popularity as the Y-Generation moved on to Pokemon instead of Cheshire Cats. Chris and Martin decided to go through a special medical procedure in Oxford (home of Radiohead) to become one person known as Chris Martin. This new living form could lip sync to any Radiohead song known to man, since Radiohead was always nearby rehearsing in Oxford.
Unfortunately, the lemur Zoboo can still be heard singing on certain Coldplay tracks. Others believe that Zoboo (a very musical creature that studied at Julliard who is an accomplished trumpet player) was accidentally attached to Martin in another medical procedure. They suspect that if Martin's head was shaved, you would fine a Zoboo grinning menacingly out at you on top of Chris' skull. This is our way of telling you that Martin is as bald as Moby.
[edit] Current charity work
- Donating his kidneys to Bono in exchange for a jar of African tears. The tears were then used to keep up Martin's girlish physique
- One by one, satisfying all his female fans as a thank you for album sales, while not calling them "relationships" to avoid the press. Of interesting note, the "females" in question were rather obese, suffered from facial hair disorder, hopped-up on steroids, and bald
- Kissing Bono's ass for more African tears
- Physically detains paparazzi to protect celebrities like his wife Gwyneth Paltrow
- Kissing Bono's ass to borrow The Dead Seas Scrolls for a Satanic ritual
- Kissing Bono's ass just to kiss his ass
- There's no such thing as charity work from anybody like Coldplay. Two words: Tax write-offs
[edit] Trivia
- Chris believes that if he dresses like Thom Yorke, sings like him, and uses the same guitar as him, he can somehow BECOME him through The Transitive Douchebag Property of Physics. Unfortunately, the Thom Yorke that Chris is swooning about has been on the missing persons list since the release of OK Computer. (Naming his son "Noah" after Thom named his son "Noah" is also just a mere coincidence, just like "Apple" was named after Apple Studios)
- Chris Martin has developed strong upper body strength after having to constantly climb up windows to
orphanageswrite more songs about Rapunzel's long hair, aka Gwyneth.
- Their work has been translated into many languages, possibly the strangest of these is the version available for clarinet.
- Having made such a huge success of themselves, lead singer Chris Martin thought that it was time that he summoned the Devil to create him a wife. He called this wife Gwyneth. Gwyneth is a stupid name that is the pompous version of a nicer but ordinary name, Gwen.
- Chris is completely whipped by his wife Gwyneth. He didn't want his child to be called 'Apple.'
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Lead singer Chris 'Gorgoroth the Bloodflayer' Martin once punched veteran actor Marlon Brando in the kidney so hard, that Martin died. Chris Martin hasn't been seen since and is believed to be hiding in New York with Tupac Shakur, James Labrie and Jean Paul Sartre.Actually, he punched a paparazzi, thinking that it was Marlon Brando who was going to eat his kids.
- After releasing the first B-sides compilation, logically entitled "Raping the Pygmies," the boys decided to go on a break and make a film called "Fight Club." A film trivia fact: Brad Pitt is merely Chris Martin's body double in the film. Chris was criticized by The Daily Mail as being "crap, not excessively good."
I disagree. He has nice nips, even for a person made out of two people.
- Chris Martin has recently emerged from a four-month hiatus for singing too high, and as a result has grown stubble and curly hair, which
killed thirty Scandinavian OAPs. The outbreak has been termed Beard Flu and is curable by assault via razor bladestill made Chris sing out of tune in the high register.
- Coldplay is regularly criticized for looking too much like Radiohead. In fact, if photos throughout time are to be believed, Radiohead is starting to look more like Coldplay.
- When Chris was at boarding school, his lifetime ambition was to be an accountant. Just like Mick Jagger, who wanted to be an accountant. This is Martin's roundabout way of saying he wanted to become Mick Jagger.
- Coldplay's next album is rumored to have
vocal contributions from a wasp, Melinda Messenger, and the Queen. They are currently recording the album in an east-end brothel, and it is set for release in 2010. When released, rumors say that if exactly 339,000 CD's are played at the same time, then this will signal to the Martians to attack, in a similar style to War of the Worlds. Chris Martin actually starred in this movie, preparing for his glorious assault on the Earth in the not-so-distant futureGwyneth Paltrow sing backup vocals (through an Emulator) as she did on their last two albums.
- Recently, Martin and Paltrow
the Gwynethhad a child named Potato.She was designed to satisfy the Irish if there is another famine.
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Coldplay recently became the first band to play a gig without actually showing up.
- Chris Martin maintains good morale in his band by giving (unknown guitarist) in the band blow jobs on a daily basis, particularly in the pages of Rolling Stone magazine, where Chris compares (unknown guitarist) among the greats
unknown guitarists no real guitarist in the music industry cares about.
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Chris Martin is so kind that he gives 2p of his £200 million to charityAfter watching the Disney movie National Treasure starring Nicholas Cage, Martin heard that the writer of The Dead Seas Scrolls was alive and well in the form of Gnarls Barkley, and since 2000 has followed every clue that leads to the scrolls. He is organizing a 2009 Dead Seas Scrolls Pacific Rim Expedition.
- No matter how many times Chris sings about the beauty of the world, humanity, and ideal love, God is known to still think that Chris is God's bitch and doesn't give a fiddle about Gwyneth Paltrow. It is also alleged by many in the music industry that God is not Bono.
[edit] Coldplay's relationship with Prog-rock
[edit] Discography
1066 - Let Me Slap That Ass Bitch
1903 - Blood-shitting on the Transvestites (EP of Pygmies)
1998 - Smell My Finger
1998.5- Raping the Pygmies (Wee Sides)
2000 - An Ode to my Colon
2000.58- Spuds
- Everyone Panic
- Still
- Spying on Bono
- Setting Sparks onto U2s Studio
- Black
- Troubles Coming To You Bono
- Low Speed
- Spuds
- Everything's Lost
- Life is for dying (promotional track recorded in the rainforests of Brazil)
2001 - The Narcissist
2002 - Orange
2002.2 - How To Dismantle Bono's Face (commentary on boxing match between Martin and Bono) released in Guatemala as "Punch Bono in the Fucking Face".
2002.89 - A Rush of Blood to Your Fucking Nose
- In Your Face
- God Put A Smile On Your Mom
- The Chemist
- Round Things With 2 hands and 12 numbers
- Not-nighttime
- Purple Eyes
- Oops, I Left The Cooker On
- A Whisper
- A Shout
- A Rush of Blood To Your Fucking Nose
- Amsterdam
- Berlin
- London
- Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch
2003 - AIDs
2004 - XX&XY
- Square One
- Circle One
- Hectagon Seventeen
- What If I Was A Grue
- Break You
- Sex and Why
- Speed of Ford Fiesta
- The Funniest Part
- Swallowed By Me
- Till You Come
2004.3 - HIV+
2005 - Speed of Ford Fiesta
2006 - Round Things With 2 hands and 12 numbers
2007 - Spuds
2008 - Henman Hill
2008 - Como La Puta or Why You Should Always Wear Rubbers
- Death In Monochrome
- Strip Clubs Of London
- Lost (Do You Know Where The Bus Station Is?)
- 412739922
- Whores In Venezuela/Council Of Sluts
- No/Chinese Takeaway Order
- Viva La Bam
- Henman Hill
- Cucumber Slide
- Furry And All Her Pals
- The Caged Rabbit
2008 Single - Cold Fore-Play
[edit] See Also
