Colin the Funky Haddock
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“That fish sure had a neat tuschie. Oh yeeeahhh! Put me in mind of a young Winston Churchill”
~ Oscar Wilde on Colin the Funky Haddock
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[edit] Early Life
Colin the Funky Haddock was the sixty-eighth president of the USA between 1912 and 1996. He retired from this highly paid, air-conditioned post in the autumn of that year in order to pursue his dream of being in a sandwich. Sadly it was not to be an he was executed by firing squad in March 1997.
On his triumphant return to showbusiness, he hosted the long running quiz show Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? during a brief stint as the ghost of Chris Tarrant. Unfortunately, he was caught having an illicit love affair with Larry Grayson's hamster and was fired from the post in early 1999.
He spent the summer of '99 contemplating his rise from the obscurity of the aquatic hardcore pornography circuit and in September of that year he released the No. 1 single 'The Octopus Did It'. This prevented the almost forgotten Band Aid 1.5 from reaching the top spot. In interview, Bob Geldof claimed:
"The Funky Haddock. What the fokk was all that about? It was just three minutes of fokkin' fish noises. Fokkin' English bastards. Where's my latte?"
[edit] Success...
At the turn of the century, things were looking up for the fish from Boston, Texas, Norwich. He had an estimated personal fortune of over five hundred pounds and was embarking on an on-off love affair with Hollywood actress Gert Frobe. In a bizarre turn of events, he was nominated the sexiest woman in the world by the readers of FHM magazine before Jennifer Lopez, Cameron Diaz, Britney Spears and Sir. Anthony Hopkins (deceased).
He appeared with Hollywood Legend Gary Sinise in the 2001 hit movie 'Everybody Hates Colin ... and wishes he would die a painful, public death'. This excerpt from a Film 2001 interview with Sinise describes Gary's relationship with the star:
Jonathan Ross: What was it like working with Colin?
Gary: It was a real honour, ya crazy bastard Jonathan.
JR: What are your views on the film?
Gary: Go fuck yourself.
[edit] ...And Failure
By the grim summer of 2002, however, things were on the slide for the little fish that could. His marriage to Hollywood hearthrob Matt Lucas had split up due to their disagreement on brine in the swimming pool at their multi-pound mansion in Swindon. He had also lost several genitals when his beloved 1984 Vauxhall Cavalier collided with a dog on the northbound carriageway of the M6 just outside of Kent. In convalescence, he wrote his autobiography, "Salmon, I hardly knew thee" (Bloomsbury 2003) and married his childhood sweetheart (Edgar Allan Poe's late wife, Gertrude Lawrence).
He was invited to star as Detective Mac Taylor in CSI:NY but declined due to his commitments to the Inland Revenue and the rebuild of Post-Soviet Russia. He was however quick to take the post of joint leader of the Conservative party when Iain Duncan Smith claimed that he would make a 'spiffing' toupe.
Tragedy struck in late 2004, however, when Colin was found hanging from a lamppost just outside Slough, Greater Winchester. He was bleeding profusely and with his dying breath cursed Zoidberg and Eddie Cahill who was later exhumed in the investigation of Nazi War Atrocities.
[edit] Today
As of early 2006, Colin is residing in Greater Wimbledon and is making ends meet as a hairdresser for icons of the 13th century. In late 2007, he is due to marry the only woman who ever carried his child, Sidney Poitier. He is also rumoured to replacing Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear and will shortly be a guest presenter of the Queen's Speech.
