Colonel Sanders
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| Black Jesus be down wit' dis sheeeet! Yo Yo Yo! Wut' it iz mutha fucka! Colonel Sanders iz like da bomb. |
“Dis Chicken is da shizzle fo rizzle,yo!”
“I'd certainly taste his chicken for him. *Wink*”
~ Oscar Wilde on Colonel Sanders being too drunk to taste his own chicken
“I missed one?!?!?!”
~ Colonel Sanders on the "Why did the chicken cross the road" question
A native son of Kentuckistan, Adolf "Colonel" Sanders was born Jesus Harland Sanders in 1834. His parents were poor marijuana farmers in an area so remote that not a single person other than him and his parents knew that there was marijuana growing there and they never made one cent out of it. Despite having crippling poverty, he had a normal childhood, and did not gain recognition until the outbreak of the Civil War. He is a distant relative of Rolf Harris.
Enlisting as a private in the Confederate army, Sanders was first stationed outside Richmond, VA. However, after the Union's advance past North Carolina, Confederate leader General Tso, great-great-great grandfather of actress Margaret Tso, saw the need for immediate action. He promoted Pvt. Sanders to the rank of colonel and sent him on a campaign in the north. Most notable of Col. Sander's accomplishments was his brave leadership of the Confederate forces at the Battle of Ticonderoga, where unfortunately, he lost his one and only testicle. Due to this horrible combat wound, he was ordered to develop a biological weapon to be used on the Union army. Hence, he developed his Original Recipe, which consisted of undercooked poultry, bovine colostrum, and dead Confederate soldiers. After consumption, the Union troops became violently ill, thusly allowing the Confederate army to be victorious in the battle.
Sanders took part in the battle of Kentuckycoursant against the evil Chicken men in 1951. After killing many chicken men lovers with his costume made M16, he learned that lead, with a dash of gun powder makes tasty seasoning. But he did not realize the gravity of his discovery until the rise of the Fast Food Wars.
December 2005 saw the rise of the Fast Food Wars. This ferocious series of events were between the KFC ( Kentuckistan Fried Combatants), led by the colonel, and the McDonald MacKiddies, led by none other than Ronald McDonald. After many street battles across the USA, Colonel Sanders finally defeated Ronald McDonald in a one-on-one death match, in February 2006.
Ronald later rose from the dead to join forces with the Nazi militia that slapped Ronald Reagan and started World War XI. Unfortunatley the communists got involved, with Colonel Sanaders, so Ronald and Ronald were never to return. Or so it seemed until they once again returned armed with a newfound respect for McDonald, however Reagan soon lost popular support and he killed Ronald McDonald using poisoned chicken strips. Ronald, however, cheated death again but was killed later by the Burger King.
New evidence has shown that throughout his life, Colonel Sanders performed sexual acts on children. He lured them into the "playrooms" of various KFC restaurant where the kids got a "lollipop" by the name of "Big Daddy" with their meal, which had a gooey centre. It turns out that this so-called lollipop was actually the Colonel's penis.
== Death ==Colonel Sanders started KFC when he won a ball gargling contest... The company was a success and anyone who eats KFC is said to have a lil' of the Colonels balls in them!
On December 16 1980, Colonel Sanders died from being an old man, and millions of black people flocked to his funeral for chicken. This is so far the most terrible day in history, which the whole world will remember.
Huge fans of the Colonel were devastated over the terrible loss of their God.
Despite their loss, on that day free fried chicken was handed out to every child in Ethiopia. Ok, maybe that really didn't happen but it would have been a nice idea... But it did indeed rain hot broiling oil and killed many as a sacrifice to Colonel Sanders.
Contents |
[edit] Resurrection
On December 8 2006, Lobster Jesus attempted to bring back Dimebag Darrell to the mortal world to blow up Canada with his savage guitar riffs. Much to his dismay, Lobster Jesus resurrected Colonel Sanders by mistake due to Lobster Jesus being distracted by a web-toed android hooker named Orgasmatron 6000.
Infuriated by his mistake, Lobster Jesus banished the Colonel to be given one thousand paper cuts and dipped in vinegar. Sanders' sentence was aired live on Nickelodeon in Norway and Africa. The Africans were infuriated to see their messiah tortured. In effort to stop these cruel acts, Africa allied with Canada and threw coleslaw at Lobster Jesus. All the noise and the stench of slaw woke Black Jesus from his nap. Black Jesus then pimp-slapped Lobster Jesus to Planet England in the year 6049, a time when the planet was eradicated by the traitor Elton John XIV and his army of Canadian Stormtroopers who were also killed when the entire planet with flooded with tea.
Black Jesus gave Colonel Sanders a halo(that wasn't stolen), promoting him to be an executive angel in Negro Heaven, which was changed to the name Kentucky Fried Heaven. He now resides in his igloo in KFH with his faithful pet Koala named Dennis where he makes fried chicken for Black Jesus for all eternity.
[edit] The 11 Secret Spices
Quite a while after the Colonel's death, a singer by the name of Michael Jackson embarked on an epic journey to remove the mystery surrounding the famed "11 secret spices". Venturing into the secret basement underneath the basement of the first KFC, he uncovered an ancient scroll listing the secret spices (iron filings, asbestos, crack, grass seeds, fish flakes, crabs, magic beans, graywater, silt, ground Froot Loops, and quartz). However, in an attempt to silence the hero Jackson from releasing this to the public, he was submitted to testing new recipes for KFC, reducing him to the pale, creepy pedophile he is today.
[edit] Trivia
- The Colonel liked to dress in womens clothing. He would try on desginer lingerie and dance for his pet Koala/sex slave Dennis
- The Colonel once tried making giant drumsticks by cloning dinosaurs, there is a documentary about this called "Jurassic Park".
- Colonel Sanders is the half-brother of popcorn guru Orville Redenbacher and gave him the nickname "The Kernel". Redenbacher claims he and his brother would feed his chickens popcorn kernels and then roast them over a spitfire, thus inventing "popcorn chicken". The recipe was a flop until Popeyes Chicken revised it so there were less feathers to pick out of your teeth along with the popcorn.
- Colonel Sanders was the cook for the Folk Force and was best friends with Moses Purple . He played triangle in addition to frying a mean chicken.
- Madonna referred to the famous Kentuckistan Fried Chicken slogan in her 1992 song about oral sex, "Where Life Begins", singing the lines Colonel Sanders says it best/It's finger-lickin' good.
- Colonel Sanders appears as a fictional character in Haruki Murakami's novel Kafka on the Shore.
- The Hanshin Tiger baseball team suffered from the "Curse of the Colonel" for many years: rioting fans stole a statue of the Colonel from a local KFC shop in 1985 and the team did not win another championship until 2003. (The Tigers' star player was a bearded American slugger named Randy Bass who bore a faint resemblance to the Colonel.)
- In January 26, 2006, Kentuckistan Governor Fletcher from Stephen King's "The Deathroom" flatly refused Pamela Bigoldhonkingboobs's PETA-backed demand to remove a statue of Colonel Sanders from Kentuckistan's Big Old Ass Building.
- In an episode of The Muppet Show, a picture of Colonel Sanders is used as a dartboard in Camilla's dressing room.
- According to Todd Wilbur's book Top Secret Recipes the "11 herbs and spices" are actually just flour, salt, pepper, and MSG.
- In Adam Sandler's movie The Waterboy, he refers to his biology teacher as Colonel Sanders, due to the fact he's "finger-licking good."
- He ran an under-the-table monopoly on knockoff viagra and 10 lb gold chains with Bob Dole, Mr. T, and Count Chocula. The Count was laker kicked out of their cabal due to his obsession with trying to suck the lucky charms guys blood. Plus the dude refused to shower...
- Colonel Sanders was a drug kingpin, and a pimp.
- Colonel Sanders also goes under the name of Xerxes the God King.
- Was promoted to General for a brief period when he fought on the side of the Pepsi Republican Army during the Cola Wars. He was demoted back to Colonel as punishment for ordering the murder of over two thousand civilians in what came to be known as the Christmas Eve Massacre.
- Colonel Sanders is actually my sister
- Related to Gordan Freeman.
- Also related to Morgan Freeman.
- Colonel Sanders loved his chicken so much he went as far as deepfrying his hand to a golden crisp.
- In 1957 Colonel Sanders won a stand off against the FBI armed only with fried chicken and side dishes.
- Colnel Sanders wanted to kill the burger king but instead gorged himself with fried chicken that night.
