Columbine High School massacre
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“He's popular, he has sex with a lot of beautiful women because he's handsome, he's a winner, he's rich, and he's smart. I love him!”
~ Eric Harris on Dylan Klebold
“He loves minorities, homosexuals, the physically/mentally disabled, Italian Midgets, and--because of his compassion for them--would defend them with his life if necessary.”
~ Dylan Klebold on Eric Harris
“I will be starring in Columbine: The Musical next week”
~ Christian Slater on Columbine high school massacre
The Columbine High School massacre, famous for being featured in When cafeteria food fights go Wrong, is considered one of the deadliest school shootings in American history. While school shootings are extremely common and an accepted part of American culture, certain elements of the Columbine shooting were extremely disturbing to the general public.
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[edit] Background
Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold were two star athletes with a history of passiveness and conformity. They were also fans of popular music, and especially rap music. They often dressed in expensive white Nike basketball shoes, white oversized t-shirts adorned with sports logos, backwards white baseball caps, and baggy jeans. Eric was fluent in Spanish and often spoke with a fake accent, and loved mexican rap above all other types. It was not uncommon for him to bring his boom-box and play it in the kitchens of the Pizza place called Blackjack Pizza at which him and Dylan worked, Eric would translate it for all the people there while Dylan would set off pipe bombs to the loud applauding owner of Blackjack Pizza. One time when Eric was in a mall with his friend Dylan, he lied about his age to a woman 73 years older than him, who was allegedly one of the 34 people that gave birth to notorious Singer/Songwriter marilyn Manson.
Because of their love of sports, choice of music, and religious beliefs they were constantly harassed at school. The two were mainly harassed by the goths, who wore long black trench-coats and backwards brightly colored cowboy hats as part of their "I dont give a shit about the rules" uniforms.This popular clique of goths often teased them for their lack of black clothing and because they did not listen to industrial music. The only friends Eric and Dylan had were a small group of social outcasts who enjoyed rap, country music and sports. Because of their love of oversized white sports jerseys, they called themselves the "White Shirt Mafia."
[edit] The Shooting
While April 20 is traditionally a joyous day of pot smoking (as well as Hitler's birthday, which explains why there are so many stoned evil Nazis out there), in 1999 it was marred by a senseless tragedy. At 11:14 a.m. Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold began shooting at their fellow classmates with illegally obtained firearms, or hijacking airliners and flying them into towers, or some such thing. (We presume the former occurred, as very tall skyscrapers are not so easy to find in Littleton, Colorado, although there are a number of sizable mountains nearby.) Despite the strong American gun laws, Harris and Klebold were armed to the teeth. Their arsenal included high-powered potato guns, a sawn-off Red Ryder BB gun, slingshots, waterballoons, and even semi-automatic pellet rifles illegally modified to hold 10 pellets.
Searching for their priority target, King Columbine II, they swept the school and attacked anyone with black gothic and Gothic Lolita clothing, although Dylan fired potatoes into the face of a cleaning lady who was accused of stealing scissors from his locker in 1997 (she was sentenced to life imprisonment in 2000). In the end, Dylan and Harris had caused minor injuries to nearly 4 people, one of whom had to receive 3 stitches. Fortunately, King Columbine II escaped.
When the shooting was over, Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris turned the guns on themselves, causing slightly-more-than-minor injuries to themselves. They now live life on the run, with the minor exception of this being that no one is really looking for them. They were last seen at a Good Charlotte concert, but no-one was game enough to go in.
[edit] The Aftermath
In the aftermath of the shooting, sales of the Bible have been universally banned, with authorities citing the violent teachings of this book as the inspiration for this attack. Musicians such as Marilyn Manson are now celebrated as heroes for donating millions of dollars to the families of the injured. All Top 40's music and white, oversized t-shirts are now banned or shunned in most American high schools. Any student wearing a red baseball cap or caught playing sports is immediately sent to a school psychologist for rehabilitation. The NRA has completly reversed it's position, renaming itself the No Rifles Association, as they pointout that whilst guns don't kill people, people do (or rappers and Elephants for some reason), guns make it a hell of a lot easier!
A few months after the shooting, Dylan and Eric's favorite Latino rapper Nelly posted on his website that he is horrified by what happened and claims his music had nothing to do with it. Everyone knew that was total bull-shit, and Marilyn Manson even spoke out about this in an interview for the Disney channel.
[edit] Columbine High School Musical
A 13 minute movie created by Walt Disney based on the Columbine shootings, only a little more musical and a little less tone deaf. Walt Disney claims this will be the released in 2015, though sources indicate that he was indeed high off crack when he said this.
[edit] The Boardgame
A special version of yahzee was made in tribute to this incident, but it was called nazi for some reason, because apparently people think the shooters were nazi's. The game sucks. It has nothing to do with anything. As a matter of fact, its just a blank piece of cardboard.
This game was made in memory of the victims that were shot and later suffered severe brain damage. It takes no knowledge whatsoever, and infact is hard to find (just because the only ones who look for it have brain damage, and can't really do much).
[edit] The Movie
Columbine: The Movie was wildly successful, even though it doesn't exist. However, something as trivial as whether or not the film exists did not stop anyone making a sequel, which is to be called Columbine: Full Throttle and a prequel entitled King Columbine's Revenge.
[edit] The Game
A game was released a century before the incident, in the December of 1899. Unfortunately, computers were not invented until the 1940's, so very few people had the opportunity to play it. By a few, we mean none.
[edit] Remake
A remake was made early in 2007, entitled "Columbine: Virginia Tech." The remake decided to take it to the next level, though not using any explosives or high powered weapones, it DID come with more deaths, half the assaliants, double the asian heritage, and also occurred at a college instead of a high school. The remake has had mixed success. Too soon?
