Command & Conquer: Read Alert 3
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“The best victory is when all your Soviet's base are belong to you before there is any actual setting them up the UNclear bomb.”
~ Sun Tzu on Sun Tzu Ping Fa: Chapter XYZ "Victory Against Non-communist Factions"
“The fate of Read Alert Universe is changing! We must remain optimistic, however, and not let ourselves be discouraged from buying Read Alert 3 VCDs.”
~ Barack Obama on Read Alert 3
“Read Alert 3 is the sequel to Read Alert 2, which is also the sequel to Read Alert. ”
~ Captain Obvious on Read Alert 3
Contents |
[edit] Command & Conquer: Read Alert 3
| ☭ WДЯИIИG! ☭
Tiz pдge zhoцld Ь read with a ztroиg Яussian дсceиt дt дll timez. |
| Command & Conquer: READ AL3RT 3 | |
| |
| Read Alert 3 | |
|---|---|
| Developer | Electronic Arts |
| Made In | China |
| Release Date | 28 October 2008 |
| Rating by ESRB | PG |
| Genre | Reality TV; Science Fiction |
| Support In | EATV (Electronic Arts TeleVision) |
| Format | VCD with DRM authenticator. |
| Preceded by | Command & Conquer 3: Boyle's Vengeance |
| Followed by | TIBERIUM |
| Will <insert name here> watch it? | No. |
Command & Conquer: Read Alert 3 was originally planned a spin-off game to the popular Chuck Norris game series. Due to multiple failures of producing good, fun and consistent games in the Command & Conquer franchise, as well as an attempt to break all links with the overhyped and overrated character, Electronic Arts decides to make major changes to the direction of their unique story telling. On March 2008, Electronic Arts announced that this sequel will turn from a video game to a first experimental television show, featured on their newly experimental 2009's EATV (Electronic Arts TeleVision).
C&C:RA3, unlike the rest of the series, this time round, it has absolutely nothing to do with Chuck Norris, but rather a "what if…" saga (a cross between Marvel’s comic rip-off idea of “what if…” alternate storylines and a parody of "time travel" films), a supposedly desperate attempt to compete against popular media stations' shows such as NBC's Reality TV series known as Heroes, and Fox's Terminator The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Featuring great Hollywood talents such as Tricia Helfer as Tanya Adams, Avril Lavigne as Tanya's girlfriend, Vladimir Putin as Soviet Premier, Kane Peterson as Red Son and Kane, <insert name here> as Commander <insert name here>, Anonymous as passer-by 1,as well as myself as passer-by 2, the events of Read Alert 3 will take place after the events in Read Alert 2 and the expansion Urine’s Revenge, and may be considered canon to the overarching storyline.
[edit] READ ALERT 3 Overarching Storyline
[edit] List of Red Alert 3 Episodes
| Season | Ep# | Ep Title | Synopsis | Fun Fact |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 1 | 1 | Pilot | The first episode aired. In Read Alert 3 Reality TV show, with the democrats victory imminent, the Soviet Premier's last desperate choice is to activate a top-secret prototype project that involved in Soviet version of the DeLorean Time Machine, although it is not a DeLorean it’s a Russian made ZIL car. With the fate of USSR at stake, Premier knows the only way to thwart the fall of USSR is to send his trusted secret agents back in time to kill Einstein's mother, Mrs. Einstein, before he is born, preventing U.S. and A. from ever starting the events of Read Alert 2, thus allowing Soviets to win by default. Previously in Read Alert 2, after two over hyped agents had just teleported via Stargate since the ending of Read Alert 2, saw this project by accident and quickly requested somebody who's free at that moment to help. That somebody turned out to be a guy named "<insert name here>", and he managed to trail these Russian secret agents, and the ZIL car teleported all of them to the past. However the time travel is a major screw up, when the agents and <insert name here> arrived the supposed destination, they realized that USSR has been under attack by a faction with raised a white flag and red circle on the center. Confused and assuming that the flag is a sign for surrender, the agents went forth and were killed by cute people with big eyes and small mouths. <insert name here> ducked into the bushes, whispered frighteningly onto his communication set “Red Alert Red Alert!”, and that was how Read Alert 3 began. | The "Time Travel" concept is heavily influenced from shows such as Terminator and Back To The Future. Mr T and Vin Diesel are special guests stars in this pilot episode. |
| 1 | 2 | Lady With Two Guns | Viewer Discretion: Story starts from Democrats point of view. Democrats' footage will be deliberately filmed in an "amateur video tape style" for enhanced experience to the viewers, this episode is not for the faint hearts and weak stomachs. Bam! An opening eye. A snowy ground. Shadows zooming by. A bird flew by. Total darkness. A shadow struggled to stand up. Somebody picks up a camera.(It was actually <insert name here> who did the picking up of the camera and began to film his findings in a fashion similar to a mentally handicapped person as he held and record it running around in an unstable fashion, just like Cloverfield Style). <insert name here> ran towards a nearby Democrat Outpost. <insert name here> saw the wreckage of the mysterious faction's slaughter. Suddenly, <insert name here> heard japanese voices. Panicked, <insert name here> ran. <insert name here> knocked into somebody. <insert name here> became unconscious. 69 hours later, <insert name here> wakes up. <insert name here> was in a room with dimmed red lights. Confused, suddenly <insert name here> heard a voice. A beautiful blonde in a sexy tank top came into view, and asked "Are you alive? Prove it!" <insert name here> was surprised and explained the situation. "Tanya" | Tanya is revealed, and has a black strip that covers her eyes for some unknown reason. Her "clumsiness and playing dumb" acting are a stereotype to the fact that the new Tanya is a blonde. |
| 1 | 3 | DeZIL | After much explaining, Tanya agrees to help <insert name here> to steal that ZIL car, which is now in the hands of the Soviets. Tanya and her "Girlfriends" somehow managed to steal the ZIL car Time Machine by "distracting the commie bastards" as Tanya explained. After <insert name here> examined the ZIL car, <insert name here> gained inspiration from a memorable movie. Given that since Einstein never existed, in which Back To The Future was never written and the DeLorean Time Machine was never invented anyways, hence <insert name here> is not breaking any legal laws. When the DeZIL Time Machine's finally built, <insert name here> became emo (and horny) and decide to sleep with Tanya Adams while doing the shaky video taping, dropping of video cam repeatedly on the floor and accidentally (or deliberately?) blocking the lens of the video cam, resulting in unfortunate indirect "censoring" or not showing any private parts, or hints of it. Call that strategic censoring. :o( | This is the first sex scene in the series and has use strategic censoring to gave the series a PG rating. |
| 1 | 4 | The Red Revelation | Viewer Discretion: This episode contained two parts. Democrats' footage will be deliberately filmed in an "amateur video tape style" for enhanced experience to the viewers, this episode is not for the faint hearts and weak stomachs. Communist's footage will be filmed using a traditional black and white tape recorder. Using the DeZIL Time Machine, <insert name here> and Tanya managed to teleport into the heart of Russia. Using Tanya's secondary ability alas the "distracting the commie bastards" ability, she managed to distract the elite Conscripts, Tesla Troopers and even War Bears into an underground bunker and locked them in. Meanwhile <insert name here> sneaked into the Kremlin, and yelled "Where is the Premiere?" A small skinny Russian man in an oversize Premiere uniform stood up and waved his hand. <insert name here> took out his helmet and smacked onto the supposedly "Premiere", jumped onto a desk and found a fat Russian man in a red "Hammer and Sickle" Edition boxers cowered underneath the desk. <insert name here> did not waste any time and assassinated the Soviet Premiere. When that happens, the Soviet forces goes in disarray and surrender, or so you thought. The second chapter is Soviet campaign. Soviet footages are the only videos filmed using a traditional black and white tape recorder. The Soviets mourned after the loss of their leader, without a leader, the rich angry bearded men ruled over the poor. Then a mysterious Soviet figure known as Red Son turns up and reunite Soviet Union. Under the guidance of Red Son, the Iron Fist invaded all the way out of Russia and within a week of an epic campaign, the Soviets penetrate into Europe and eventually into Africa successfully. However during an unexpected surprise battle the Soviets made an ultimate loss as Russia gets invaded by Japan. As the Soviets' morale weakened, Red Son ripped his face and revealed his identity. To everyone's horror, it is Kane! "It's time you saw the future! The future is here Comrades! Salvation is Here!", yelled Kane. It was realized that all along it was Kane and his evil plans to form a stronghold in Africa, forming the USSA (United Supreme Soviets of Africa) as he foresee a downfall in Russia by a dark force. In one sweeping move, Kane converts what was left of the Soviet troops to form his Salvation Army. | Kane Peterson is back in this episode, and he played a huge role that has a possible clue that this universe links with the Tiberian universe. |
| 1 | 5 | Twists and Turns | | The ending was so strong that makes the series goes in a time loop. |
A Soviet finale after conquering Africa in S01E04 Red Revelation.
A bonus cut scene in a Soviet campaign where a Russian soldier unleashed his talent.
[edit] Cinematography
The cinematography centers on iterative attempts to discover how much cleavage (in S01E03) you can get away with without being landed with a 15 rating, it worked for Cloverfield.
It was planned to have three different kinds of video shoots specially for each unique factions. For example, the Democrats faction will be deliberately filmed in an "amateur video tape style", as a gimmick and a nod to the unique video shooting style for Cloverfield movie. The Soviets has been shot in a traditional black and white traditional tape recorder style to capture the low-end and old fashioned Communist equipments can be. The Empire of the Sunken Sun has been planned to be shot in a unique never seen before "real life meets anime" shot. This technique could be very high in costs and the best possible reference of this unique video shoot could be "Speed Racer". It was a waste as the writer's strike started and the unique "real life meets Anime" video shoot never takes off.
[edit] Digital Rights Management
Electronic Arts is continuing ahead with its SecuROM-based DRM plans, and Read Alert 3 is a part of them. Read Alert 3 has a new copy protection, using Digital Rights Management (DRM), basically a system that makes VCD-buying a little more like VCD-renting. The DRM in these videos is non-transferable, meaning you can watch Read Alert 3 only a limited number of 3 times on 3 different or same television set before the VCD is deemed useless. Then you will have to phone in to EATV support and explain to them why they should let you watch Read Alert 3 on another television set or re-watching the series for more than three times. It also means that should the DRM servers go offline temporarily or even permanently shut down, the VCD cannot authenticate: your purchase becomes instantly worthless, so it's as if you paid $25 to rent the Read Alert 3 VCD and eventually it cannot work. This scheme also obviously makes it troublesome, if not impossible, to resell your used Read Alert 3 VCD once you feel you are done with it.
Fans of Read Alert as well as Amazon.com users were outraged and protested the use of such troublesome user unfriendly system. However, a recent post by Supreme Premier of Read Alert 3 Chris Corny indicates that Read Alert 3 will have a slight improvement in terms of its DRM over a series of much-maligned unpopular EA products samples (now suffering from an Amazon.com smear campaign).
| Hi everyone, this is your Supreme Premier Chris Corny in another session of |
Though the new rules have ease up a little, smart fans are still unhappy and majority are not gullible to fall for the trick. The new rules is nothing but merely asking a suicide man not to jump off a 30 storey tall building and advise him to jump off from a 10 storey tall building instead.
In essence, the DRM in Read Alert 3 will boiled down to the following:
- You must have a flat screen plasma television set with DRM authenticator installed. (Preferably Sony and Toshiba brand.)
- You may watch Read Alert 3 up to five times on either the same television set or any other 5 television sets before the automatic activation will fail and a customer support call will be required to re-watch the VCD.
- After watching the VCD and traveling back to the past in any time-traveling methods to un-watch Read Alert 3 will NOT restore the activation count. (See Chris Corny's update post.)
- Once inserting the Read Alert 3 VCD in a television set fully authenticated, and taking out after that, it will not require the disc to play.
[edit] Viewer Responses
Most EA fanboys received the news of the DRM implementation on Read Alert 3 are unsurprisingly negative, and much to the chagrin disappointment of the strikers as well. One mother has been quoted as saying,
| Now that my sons do not want to watch EATV shows anymore, they can finally stop lying on that filthy couch and go outside to get some fresh air! |
A six-year-old child, who normally sits inside all day addicted to strong daily dosage of EA products and the new RA3 show, recently stated,
| Stupid EA! Now I will finally go OUT to get a life! |
[edit] Expected Date of Returning The TV Series
As the new American Guild Writers Strike ended in early 2008, followed by the NO DRM ON RA3 STRIKE which will drag on until Read Alert 3 turns Gold. By then, the EA devs/writers should probably call off Read Alert 3 and remarked the project as a failure, oblivious and clueless to what cause EATV to fail. Probably in the near future the EA devs/writers will have some striking ideas for new franchised shows and games that are actually good.
