Commissar Yarrick

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Number of orks killed by Yarrick since you have started reading this article:

“I was so scared.”

~ Chuck Norris, whimpering in a corner on Commissar Yarrick

“Green is da best and da...SHIT IT'S 'IM!”

~ Ghazghkull, hiding his feelings on Commissar Yarrick

“Veni, Vidi, pwned.”

~ Commissar Yarrick on Ghazghkull

“We totally woke up because Yarrick told us to get off our butts and pay him rent.”

~ The Necron on Commissar Yarrick

“OH NO!!!”

~ Koolaid Man on Commissar Yarrick

“OOOOOHHH NOOOOOOO!!!”

~ Lucius the Eternal on Commissar Yarrick

“*faints*”

~ Khorne, Chaos God of War on Commissar Yarrick

“Him and Ghazzy are such a cute couple. He wouldn't let me in though.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Commissar Yarrick

“I'm from a planet called Armageddon and I make Orks shit themselves. You figure out how badass I am.”

~ Commissar Yarrick on Commissar Yarrick

“You think the MonStars were bad?.”

~ Bugs Bunny on Commissar Yarrick

“He plowed through our women like an Ox riding a rabbit...and yes I was watching.”

~ Geralt of Rivia on Commissar Yarrick

Contents 1 Origins 2 Past Accomplishments and Things Given Credit for 3 Things that are afraid of him 4 Cool stuff he has that you wish you did 5 Cameo Appearances

[edit] Origins

In the beginning, there was nothing. Nothing. Zip, Zilch, Nil, Nada, big fat zero. NOTHING! Capisce? Everything was a big black hole, like the one found in the backsides of many humans, only that this 'big black hole' didn't smell, and you sure as hell couldn't stick anything in it.

Then, out of no-where, Yarrick came along and said "There needs to be something here." He clicked his fingers and a big bang occurred with all the flashy effect Hollywood and their budget couldn't buy, so he baptized it (with his Laser eye) this new birth and named it "The Big Bang", which accidentally is the name given to his orgasm.

Thus, Yarrick created the the systems, galaxies and the Universe with all the planets we know.

Then, Yarrick said "I need fun, I need action, and I sure as hell need booty to raid as well asses to kick."

So were created the Old Ones.

In the beginning, it wasn't bad, but as he got older, he didn't stand out anymore. This did not please Yarrick, and he spoke "The only cool old person is me.", thus killing the Old Ones with a round-house kick (Chuck Norris stole that move from him, only Yarrick round-house kicked with a power klaw. That's how badass he is.), followed by the trampling of the planets.

Instead, he made the Eldar Gods. Isha pleased Yarrick. After eighteen hours of sweet Commissar style lovin', she gave birth to the Eldar race.

"Wimps." Yarrick said, hurting them relatively. That is, he hurt them so bad their relatives who lived thousands of years later still know this, and sing of this event as The Fall.

Yarrick then went to Earth, and build a computer, dubbing it Skynet. It took over all the Iron Men, who all had the face of Roberd Downey Jr., and wreaked havoc on Man. When Yarrick fought them, and delivered the killing blow to the last of them, he tore a hole in the fabric of space and time, sucking Conan the Barbarian through. Conan immediately recognised his father, and swore loyalty to him. It went like this:

"Father, how can I serve you and Humanity?"

"I dunno, clone yourself 20 times and gives those clones armies to conquer the galaxy, but kick in the infant skulls of the ones who are named... I dunno, Roboute Guilliman and Lorgar? Be creative, boy!"

Detecting sarcasm wasn't one of Conan's fields of expertise.

Using the series of tubes that Skynet's Internet left behind, he cloned himself 20 times. As his father said, he killed two of the kids. Unfortunately, instead of killing Robout Guillismurf and Bitchy McWhine, he killed Frowney and Smiley, the Primarchs of the Angry Marines and Rainbow Marines, respectivally.

Remembering names wasn't one of Conan's fields of expertise either.

Back in that day, Mr. T owned Yarrick a big favor, and Yarrick demanded it back: in the form of 12 tons of gold jewels. Mr. T wore a lot more gold back in that day. He gave it to Conan, and told him to "Look flash, kid."

Thus, Conan the Pimped Barbarian and his eighteen sons, among which were Edgar Allan Poe, Oscar Wilde, and the goddamn Batman, went cruisin' the galaxy, liberating the shit out of humanity.

During one of their crusades (along with Yarrick) they came upon a planet called 'Tanith', and one of the major words people used was 'Feth'. Yarrick immediately IP'ed the word under his name (right after 'Who's your daddy'). Anyone who said 'Feth' either had to lick Yarricks boots 1000 times fold, or donate his soul to him.

[edit] Past Accomplishments and Things Given Credit for

• Boba Fett
• Solid Snake (see Chuck Norris)
• The French Revolution
• Discovering America
• Chuck Norris
• Jack Bauer
• The God-Emperor of Mankind
• Games Workshop
• Combat
• The winning side of every war ever
• Fighting over 9000 Orks, with only one eye, one arm, unarmed, and only 1 gallon of blood in his body. This is Yarrick's idea of a "sporting chance".
• Your Mom
• You
• Soviet Russia (He is a Commissar)

[edit] Things that are afraid of him

• Grue
• Chuck Norris
• Everyone in the universe
• Oscar Wilde
• Koolaid Man
• Faces (since he bashes them in)
• Lucius the Eternal (OOOHHH YEEAAAHHH!)
• Pokemon
• Orks
• Anything else I haven't mentioned

[edit] Cool stuff he has that you wish you did

• His personal Baneblade tank, the Fortress of Arrogance*
• A blood god as a fanboy (Khorne)
• An Ork Power Klaw that replaced his arm
• A Death Star as an eye
• A spiffy hat
• One of the coolest and most badass armies of all time
• Your Mom
• The power to scare the shit out of everything green

[edit] Cameo Appearances

A mod created for DoW (which stands for 'Dawn of War' and not some kind of Blizzard off-spring expansion related to WoW) gave people the ability to play with a 'unreal', digital version of Yarrick.

However, due to his awesomeness simply implied in the name itself, many people suffered from seizures, others had their hearts (as well brains) stop for no apparent reason, many more went blind by having their Cornea auto-combust or bleed out uncontrollably, while a even greater portion of people suffered from a lethal dose of 'sneezing penises' which apparently used up all the juices of said people (this being mainly for 'nerds').

As it may always have it, the issues didn't stop there. The computers which ran the said mod over at NASA suffered major internet diarrhea (from which the Unfunny brother, Wikipedia was born). Several computers (which weren't even installed) caused multiple nuclear chain reaction melt-downs, this in turn cause rise of Oil prices as well the over-consumption of something called 'Rice' in which the average person doesn't eat of much, but yet likes to bitch and moan about it.

This mod was called 'Steel Legion'.

However, after the Frenchies who made this mod had their fair share of 'lulz', and seeing as how Uwe Boll didn't die in the process due to his lack of expertise on how to switch on a computer, they decided to change the name from Yarrick to 'Legendary Hero' (this was done ESPECIALLY after GW decided to become a little bitch about the IP once again).

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