First Communion
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First Communion is a 2000 year old pagan ritual practiced by the Catholic Church and other sprouts of Christianity. First Communion is only performed one time, to prepare children and other highly-impressionable people for the weekly act of receiving Communion for their remaining natural-born days.
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[edit] History
The first instance of Communion was also the last, at the Last Supper. Jesus and his disciples all sat on the same side of a very long table, feasted upon a Viron and consumed massive quantities of alcohol to celebrate his upcoming glorious death. The famous picture of this event was captured by Leonardo DaVinci using an HP Photosmart digital camera.
[edit] Importance of the Painting
So why the painting's painted? Mr. DaVinci used a Photoshop filter to create a facsimile of a record of the fast food industry. Jesus didn't only bring moral issues to the world but also a new type of eating culture, all kinds of fast food shops originamated from Jesuses's idea. More food to all other parts of the world is the aim of the fast food industry and the painting recorded the birth of this new culture.
[edit] Crazy Theory
The wild idea behind Communion is that you are receiving the body and blood of Jesus H. Christ. You are therefore communed with him and his cannibalism, and through this communion, you're able to get down with God and do some rapping for Eternity.
The 'Jesus' bread is baked by priests to a secret recipe handed down from generation to generation. Culinary scientists have attempted to reverse engineer the recipe to no avail, but it is thought to contain wheat, salt, self-raising flour (to symbolise the resurrection), a blend of 13 holy herbs and spices, and carpenter. Many people who can't eat wheat get sick from eating the 'Jesus' bread. Therefore, 1 out of every 133 Americans is allergic to Jesus.
During the ceremony the thin wafers are blessed by a priest at which point they come alive and are eaten. Though the process is a form of cannibalism it isn't seen as being barbaric: it doesn't hurt Jesus as he is immortal. But the wafers have to be eaten within a 5 minute window in order to give Christians their magical powers.
More than a mere symbolic gesture, the communion process allows the church to regenerate Jesus in times of great need by baking a large loaf of Jesus bread and blessing it, making Christianity the only religion where the deity can return as a foodstuff (except for the Flying Spaghetti Monster). The miracle of this transformation of bread product into deity is also the reason why artists throughout the ages have portrayed Jesus - who was almost certainly of middle eastern descent - as a cracker.
[edit] Side Effects
After traveling through the tourist spot called purgatory, and once trapped in Eternity, you may never leave, vote against Barack Obama, or go shopping. You are doomed to an existence with no cable television or high-quality pornography. You'll be watched constantly by the NSA, and all forms of immoral entertainment will be denied to you.
[edit] See Also
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