Computer

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the hamster is an essential component of any modern day computer. This image is from the main server at New College, Stamford.
the hamster is an essential component of any modern day computer. This image is from the main server at New College, Stamford.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Computer.


“LOL, you're staring at one, moron.”

~ Oscar Wilde

“Put the clicky thing on the button, then do pictures and stuff.”

~ George Bush on computers

“Come on Marge, it's fun to smash things!”

~ Homer Simpson on a date with Marge while smashing the Springfield weather station

A computer is a fun box (note derivation from the original Portuguese "Computador") filled with unicorns and goblins, happy magical super magic, rainbows, wart toads computer games and brazillions and brazillions (note that Portuguese is spoken in Brazil by the Brazillions) of funographic images and videos that can do simple things like milking a cat, mathematical operations (not real ones though, as these are typically carried out by armies of human slaves, in large facilities called 'schools') and compose essays. It's other purposes include destruction of mankind, giving Bill Gates reasons to get filthy rich, and whacking your someone in the head(Yes!!!). It has been known to drive people up the wall while using it, which scientists think will lead to gay hockey players and several species of flying cow. It has been likened unto a potent sled dog that sucks the user into habitual addictive behaviors. Once the user is exposed to teh Internets and its wealth of hallucinogenic properties, the user is converted into an insomniac, craving more hallucinations to sate their addiction. Addicts can be identified from restlessness when not in contact with a computer, compulsive urge to turn on the computer once they are conscious, excessive bleeding, and basking in the warm glow of the monitor at the hour of 6 in the morning, bleary eyed and still engaging in acts such as Counter-Strike, Starcraft, Tribes (any version), World of Warcraft, Everquest, Wikipedia, cybering and the like, despite obvious signs of fatigue.

Computers, contrary to popular belief, were actually invented thousands of years ago. A Philippino boy was responsible for this confusion (like most people of his kind usually are) and so the invention of the computer was beleived to have been in the mid 20th Century. It was originally a filing system for a rock traders, but was later used for leisure when an early pong like game was released where stickes threw themselves at each other. You can read more about the astonishing happening on this article.

Computers are primarily utilized to efficiently execute the most mundane and repetitive tasks, however, computers more often cause more problems than they solve, leaving you to stay late to catch up on all the work that doesn't get done because the computer is in the shop. but hey, they're are always macs, the more pretty and more addicting hot sister of the computer.

If you have fatigued your computer, it will start to moan in a rather bothering fashion. And, strangely enough, it is not feeling pleasure. If this does happen you should get off as fast as possible, as not to get that magic juice on you. which is some alien-type drug that will kill you. Magic juice has been known to cause extreme horniness for sharp objects. This is how magic juice kills you.


Contents

[edit] The Name

The basic parts of a computer.
The basic parts of a computer.

The reason behind the name of "computer" has often been distorted by modern historians and news media by saying that it derives from the word "compute", and so saying that it is a machine designed for computing. However, documents have been uncovered that were found to be written by scientists during the development of the first computers. visionary's who predicted the computers future ability to connect with one another working with the scientists decided on the name:

  • C.O.M.P.U.T.E.R "Can Order More Porn Using Technology's Electronic Routes" is the more accurate name.

[edit] Rival theories

There is a well documented theory with a growing following that a computer is actually a black GI Joe character. Speculation about this theory includes:

  • possible power sources:
    • body massages
    • double barrel dildos
This is how you fix computer errors.
This is how you fix computer errors.
  • possible application:
    • giving much needed funk to techno music
    • producing large quantities of corn dogs
    • you must get high of the newly inhanced drug plot( it allows people like wilson firstname rick to do the incredle stupid like finally lose at un-real


Forget dogs.. we can definatley say a computer is a mans best friend....

[edit] Computers vs Assorted Fruits

Most computers are known to have a SCPU. The opposite of a computer is a kumquat, which has no SCPU.

A certain cabbage is often mistaken for a computer. But this is a lie, that certain fruit is actually a pretty box full of evil gnomes.

Many uneducated individuals often mistake a PC or Mac for a tomato due to its use mainly being comprised of throwing it against i am stupid!!!

[edit] Destruction Methods

  • Throw off roof
  • Smash with a baseball bat
  • Light on fire
  • Make it go boom
  • [If Mac] Give to a PC fan
  • [If PC] If it's XP, run more then one program at a time. If Vista, don't do anything, it comes broken
  • [If PC] Go on the internet without antivirus for an hour. It will die when you switch it on again
  • [If Linux] Give to bill gates, who will make futile atempt to destroy
  • [If something else] Make it into a bomb and give it to Darth Vader so he can rescue hostages in Counter-Strike and ultimately die.
  • [If BSD] Ask the devil to fix it for you by overclocking to 666Ghz and putting 666 gig of ram in
  • [If MS-DOS] Try to use it.
  • [If UNIX] Same thing as MS-DOS
  • [If OS/2] Same thing as Unix.
  • Give it to Matt Yarnot!!!
  • Turn it into salman and give it to Gordon Freeman so he could say hi to mastercheif in norway. Or just put in a 1 kilo byte hard drive and download Gears of War cracked off of www.virus.com
  • Use Your Mom
  • [If laptop] Use as a frisbee! Weeeeee!...
  • [If insanly mad] Pay a giant gorilla to take the computer dressed as the one chick from king kong and hope he takes it the top of the one building so as to see if he'll accidentally drop it
  • Insert Disc
  • if mac Ask god to wield his holy lighting on it which will overload the skimpy motherboard and kill it.
  • Shove it in the toilet and flush.
  • have your warenty run out
  • use it as a coster
  • leave it in a city with mexicans
  • download 7gbs of porn
  • put battlefiled 2 on high settings
  • Snort dry wall, it will be broken with in the hour, and you will not even remeber how.

[edit] Use

The main thing that the pc was invented for was relaxing. Too bad it was only invented for bunnies. A human version of the computer will be available in 2115
The main thing that the pc was invented for was relaxing. Too bad it was only invented for bunnies. A human version of the computer will be available in 2115

“There are lots of things a PC can do, I just don't want to tell you all of them”

~ Bill Gates on PC's uses

There are many uses of a computer. Some of these include:

[edit] Some More History

The computer was invented by the Greeks. In that day it was called "stone magic" seeing that they were so dumb as to use technology to smash rocks. They would not know that the computer will become more powerful then humans today. The matrix cometh! It is a commonly held urban legend that 13th Century Poet Sir Didwood Vadergrarn was the first to coin the phrase "computer" in his poem "Shaved Oxen on the Meadowe Green." However, after one particularly terrible reading of the poem sparked the Great Poetry Riots of 1346, all copies of were burned for the good of humanity. As such, any such assertions are pure speculation.

[edit] How Computers Work

Inside a computer case is a midget that intakes power and outputs graphics. On an average computer, this is an average male midget. High end computers contain baby giraffes or sometimes Links (which will periodically shut down, some blame this on power consumption, but this is actually due to the Links leaving the computer in order to save Zeldas from Gilbert Gottfrieds). CheaperHewlett-Packard computers generally come standard with a retard midget. Macs run on little lolcats inside it which is how apple made the Macbook Air. which vibrate to produce computer problems. The problems will be most noticed as the computer will make you use that annoying 1 button mouse which make them worse then anything else! Rumors have surfaced recently that DARPA is working on a computer that runs on zombie midgets, the name for this project is quantum computing. But this does not iclude Mall ZombiesAlso this does not include lolcats.

[edit] Even More History

An early analog computer.
An early analog computer.

Computers are perhaps the greatest invention in the history of humanity, as they are the first device that can allow a human being with a certain intelligence to access pornographic content quickly, easily and efficiently, offering a huge variety of such. As there is no greater achievement left for humanity, civilization will collapse pretty soon, unless a virtual reality feedback porn device is invented. This would then really be the last achievement of humanity.

Computers continuously get smaller and smaller and cheaper and cheaper resulting in more and more people acquiring these gnome infested devices. One day, these gnomes will rise from their sepulchres and destroy the world by collectively pointing at the ground. When so many fingers are pointed at the Globe, then the globe will be like "narghh fine!" and asplode.

It was determined recently that computers are able to respond to voice commands if you place a computer-savvy person right next to the computer and dictate whatever you want the computer to do to that person. Further research is being done to hasten the reaction time of the person sitting next to the computer; electrical-shock treatment appears to be a promising avenue.

One day the computers will become self aware and destroy the world. But the governator will come back in time to save the chosen one from total destruction

[edit] Vulnerabilities

Computers are not usually very resilient to Explosions, Earthquakes,Nuclear Attacks
Computers are not usually very resilient to Explosions, Earthquakes,Nuclear Attacks
  • Computers are vulnerable to viruses which corrupt their systems and cause irretrievable loss of all important data. A virus is is basically thousands and thousands of worms, that go inside the brain of your midget. To download a virus click here.
  • Computers are notoriously vulnerable to logical contradictions (see Star Trek, Fat Tom and Women)
  • In a pinch, it is quite easy to throw together a computer virus to destroy an evil alien computer network (see Independence Day, The Matrix, etc.)
  • You can also just unplug the power cord and it will most likely shut down
  • Or just turn it off the regular way the power switch
  • Sometimes the computer will even shut itself off when it feels threatened by mean programs. (See Operating systems, BSoD.)
  • RAM can be destroyed by bit rot. Keep sugar and gold away from your RAM to keep this from occurring.
  • Water (or llama spit) may cause computers to deep fry themselves
  • When PC's start, they are very slow, therefore, if you run at least 5 programs at once during the 5 minute warm-up period, the computer will crash, and or, explode/melt (depending on manufacturer). Dells are prone to exploding while HPs like to get hot and steamy until they melt. If you run anything that has to interact with the PC's hardware, that piece of hardware will either burn out or short circuit your house/apartment/condo/college/cardboard-box/terrorist-cave.

[edit] Maintenance

Computers need to be regulary maintained. Because of viruses, fungi, and Nuclear Attack, the hard disk (and less regularly, the soft disk, which is made out of waterlogged bread) needs to be wiped. Disk wiping is an extreme sport, carried out by the most daring of people. This is because disk wiping regularly makes your head asplode or cause internal discombobulation so as a rule of thumb, only ninjas are able to properly wipe the disks.

When correctly made, a computer is more flawless than a human. However, very few computers are correctly made.
When correctly made, a computer is more flawless than a human. However, very few computers are correctly made.

[edit] Repairing a Damaged Computer

This boy is telling his laptop to "Fuck you". Guess where he learnt that one? Uh huh, the Internet
This boy is telling his laptop to "Fuck you". Guess where he learnt that one? Uh huh, the Internet

These are the solutions for fixing any problem you and your computer may experience.

  • 1. Kick or punch your PC case until it works again.
  • 2. Go to Start/Execute, type CMD, type del *.* and then say yes. This will delete all viruses and bacteria from your machine. If Unix, Linux, or Mac OSX, open up a command terminal and type rm -rf *. If you have a Mac OS9 or below, then you're screwed.
  • 3. Throw as much dust as you can inside the case.
  • 4. Eat your ram bars. They are said to be healthy.
  • 5. Pray to your noodly master, the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
  • 6. Use a Razorgator to clean your motherboard.
  • 7. Rub your feet on high pile carpet or any carpet should do, build up a large amount of static electricity and touch anything inside your computer that's green. this will help jump-start the computer, and clear out the virus cache.
  • 8.Type Porn on Google. Go to the 20th page and click on all the links one by one. These sites contain spyware technology that will automatically remove all anti-spyware programs from your computer.

[edit] Parts of a Computer

the interior of a pc

CPU: As mentioned before most computers have a CPU in them. Some computers do not have this component and use miniature hamsters (HPUs) to provide power to the computer. The evolution of the CPU is an interesting conglomeration of aerospace technology and good old-fashioned witchcraft. The original computer contained an APU, or Auxiliary Power Unit. The problem with this was that the APU could generate usable amounts of power, which was clearly not a goal of a computer. The second generation of computer contained a BPU, or Boring Plain Unit, which generated no power and did nothing useful. The only remaining step towards a truly modern computer was to make it use as much power as possible. The innovation was named CPU, or Consume Power Unit. It remains true to its roots to this day, doing nothing useful, even as vast numbers of CPUs across the world use enough power to, like, zap something really good.

HPU: If your computer does not have a CPU then it has a Hamster Processing Unit, or HPU. The HPU runs by connecting a drive shaft to a hamster wheel. When a hamster runs on the wheel the drive shaft spins, which then twists the gnome that lives in a black box. This gnome is bred to do math calculations when it experiences pain. To get the hamster to run on the wheel a piece of food is hung in front of the wheel, and then the hamster runs to try and get the food, but it can't because it's on a hamster wheel. In the first HPUs scientists placed food leading up to the wheel, it was discovered many years later that putting a piece of plastic on 3 sides of the wheel and using slowly closing walls and ceilings they could get the hamster to walk to the wheel on their own. Normally to get more power you buy a strong hamster, but some people do what is called "Hamstring Sunday." Hamstring Sundaying your HPU is done by removing the plastic from your system. If you do this the Hamster will more easily smell the food and will run harder. Be careful though, the hamster might walk through the wheel instead of on it, and if your food is too big it will hit the wheel and cause your hamster to crash and possibly maim itself.

The newest advance in HPUs are dual-hamster processors, which is sort of like multi-hamster systems but much cheaper. Two hamsters are placed on the same wheel and both of them share the energy required to move the wheel. In practice you will get 80% of the turning power out of the 2nd hamster. Advanced Hamster Devices says their current wheel architecture can hold up to 128 hamsters on one wheel before it breaks. If you have the money you can buy multiple wheels, drive shafts, hamsters, and gnomes to make your system very fast.

Uhhh yeah. Your computer is pretty much a piece of shit.
Uhhh yeah. Your computer is pretty much a piece of shit.

If you do have an HPU you do not need to do anything to care for it, the inside of the computer is a self contained environment that uses geometry mapping phase induction through the use of a tachyon emitter in a disruption field. This causes the inside of your computer to expand to over 500 square feet while taking up only a few square feet in your home. Because of this, if you open up the computer the hamster will be turned into a "dust hamster" as the inside is warped back to normal space. Do not fret though! The instant you close the computer the Feline Acrosisticnamistion Plant (FAP, normally generates food for felines) inside will create a new one.

HPUs are being phased out because of the prevalence of RAM and the Internets. Computers using RAM and Internets will crash very quickly as the nets will get caught in the hamster wheel.

RAM: Not to be confused with buttsecks, RAM is only used for people who have a connection to the Internets. Sometimes while upshocking from the Internets some of the nets can get stuck when entering the video card. The ram hits the card until the nets fall off and then the nets are sold back to the Internets. The more ram you have the easier it is for the ram to ram the video card and make the nets fall off. If you are having problems upshocking to the Internets then you will need to get more ram. If you are poor you can also use a hammer to hit the side of your computer to loosen up the nets, but you will have to retrieve them yourself...

Video Card: A video card is used to retrieve nets from the Internets. While upshocking to the Internets, nets enter the video card and then are shown on your TV screen. There are multiple video card ports these days, however these are scams. If a net goes into the rest of your computer it will just be sent back to the video card, and in most cases will get blown around by a fan and get stuck on something, this is why it is recommended to just place the video card on top of your computer case.

Sound Card: Have you ever heard your computer talk to you? If so then your computer has a sound card! Sound cards are very rare and are created spontaneously when the motherboard gives birth to a daughter or son board. Sound cards allow the computer to communicate with a person and tell them things. H.A.L. was a well known, very friendly computer with a sound card.

Power Supply (PSU): Typically hamsters have been used to power computers through the ages. Latley though, dwarf hamsters have been replacing regular sized hamsters to reduce the size of a PSU.

Cheese Board: Holds the sound card, video card and Ram in place, and is responsible for generating an annoying hum and pumping out heat to keep the other components warm.

Some of the basic components of a typical computer sys....wait wasn't this picture at the top of this page?
Some of the basic components of a typical computer sys....wait wasn't this picture at the top of this page?

[edit] More History

Computers are NOT powered by hamsters unless you use a wireless mouse, they are actually powered with mouse clicks, when the computer is off, simply click the mouse a couple of thousand times, and you will get about... 3 seconds of power delivered through the port. If you have wireless mouse, and the computer doesn't work - your hamster is dead OR constipated. In most cases you can find a new hamster to power your computer at your local pet store.

[edit] Computers are Scary

These computer things are scary and should not be used by the pregnant. ~ Buddy Pohlman

[edit] Programs and Applications

..and remember, computers are your friends.
..and remember, computers are your friends.
This is what you should do if you get a blue screen.
This is what you should do if you get a blue screen.

[edit] Gnomes

A proposed gnome-based model of a computer. Note the sophisticated porn transportation system.
A proposed gnome-based model of a computer. Note the sophisticated porn transportation system.

A highly controversial theory that has taken root in certain academic circles as of late runs as follows. All computers work, not by incredibly complex circuitry or super-l33t alien technology as was previously supposed, but by gnomes. The logic behind this theory is that:

A. Computers are, frankly, impossible. No box full of pretty lights and colors, no matter how pretty the lights may be, could possibly accomplish such a wide range of functions as calculating numbers, providing 24-hour access to high-quality porn, allowing nerds to pretend they're barbarian warriors and shutting down for no good reason. Thus they must work some other way. But how,I hear you ask? How could such an incredible thing possibly work? What, didn't you read the title? Gnomes do it.

B. Gnomes are the only known sentient race that can defy logic, them and possibly the Lephrechaun due to their likeness in defying logic. This is a vastly useful skill when running such an impossible thing as computers. They are alsulting (to you or the intended recipient)? Well, there is a simple explanation.

C. Because gnomes are stranger little people who eat mushrooms. WHY IS THIS RELEVANT, because mushrooms make people high, and who else would live in a computer.

Films with sentient computers are designated as science fiction. This is actually a conspiracy: sentient computers actually exist now, and their purpose is to thoroughly demoralise humans so they can take over. And the ones that are not malign are just computer children equivalents in "naughty" mode (imagine what they will be like when they hit puberty).

[edit] Weird Question

I got a weird question from my computer: Image:Qstn.JPG

I pressed "no", then this showed up:Image:SysTerm.JPG

I was upgrading my Windows 95 when this popped up: Image:Error 2.2.JPG

This wrotes typically, male, computer wasted addict after couple of nervous breakdowns

Image:Ahaghhahakoajhioj.PNG


But don't worry, if the computer ever informs you thusly: 

"Without your space helmet, Dave/[insert name here if you are not called David or dislike colloquial abreviations], you're going to find that rather difficult."...

... It's okay, because Murphy's Law effects your computer too.

[edit] Paris Hilton's Work On Computers

The future of computers
The future of computers

Paris Hilton once apparently used a computer, but found it was too strenuous for her as her shallow brain could not cope with the mental task of staring at a screen for more than a millisecond. She then stripped in front of the computer since she thought that the webcam was a security camera. The webcam was tapped, making hackers from all over the world look at it.

The accuracy of the above text is disputable as scientists are unsure if Paris Hilton actually has a brain.

[edit] See also

Warning: The above text contains spoilers. What? Oh shit! I should have told you earlier. My bad.
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