Conservatism

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The writer of this article is an American Liberal and has a tree huggin', baby clubbin' outlook.

They may even work at the ACLU or, worse, be an unelected liberal activist judge. For information on the best way to save our great nation from scum like this watch Fox News (Psst. He's probably also a communist; quick! Inform HUAC!)

This is what America will look like after conservatism wins. After the bad people are dead and the good people are in heaven.

Conservatism (in the United States) is a mental disorder characterized by consistent perceptual errors leading to a coherent, but deeply unrealistic, worldview. Paranoia, psychosis, and extreme bloviation are associated with advanced conservativism.

Conservatives are not presidents, but they play them on TV.

1 Diagnosis and symptoms
2 Incidence
3 Treatment
4 Conservatism in United States history

[edit] Diagnosis and symptoms

Unsolved problems in politics: Why do conservatives, who claim to be fiscally conservative, appropriate thousands of taxpayer dollars to lasers in space?

Conservatism was first officially recognized in the DSM-IV-BS. It is coded as an Axis II disorder, number 302.2, and requires a majority of the following symptoms:

A. Blind adherence to a centrally-dispersed dogmatic system created and manipulated by persons unknown.

B. Presence, while holding this delusion, of three (or more) of the following symptoms:

absolute trust in talk radio
trained to attack when they hear the words "Clinton" or "liberal"
association of skin tone with terrorist proclivities
regular ingestion of Fox News Product
determination to save Terri Schiavo at all costs
inability to pronounce the word "feminist," persistent sneer causing them to pronounce it "feministzi."
Encyclopedic knowledge of about 40% of the Constitution and exactly 10% of Bill of Rights
Sportsman's insistence that all babies must be born and raised to age eighteen so that they can be properly executed by lethal injection or shot with assault weapon. If, instead of dying immediately, the victims manage to fall into a persistent vegetative state they are considered "safe" and may no longer executed (though they can still be shot with assault rifles)
Understanding that the CIA, FBI, and NSA mean well, and often feel a little sad inside
belief that non-white non-Christians are nonpeople
Awareness that Bert and Ernie are sexually deviant and Tinky-Winky has a homosexual agenda
And Oscar the Grouch is a lazy goddamn hippie dumpster-diver
Must never hug a tree at any time
Knowledge of the Divinity of Reagan and the Logical Triumph of Reaganomics over humanity
Economic insistence on murdering Iraqi men, women, and children in Iraq, citing cost-savings benefits of killing them there instead of killing them here
Contempt for the reality-based community
Either with you or they're against you
Consistently misunderestimated
Trained to disassemble
Never forget Poland
Nonexistent grasp on reality
actually don't really conserve anything (other than Civil Rights)

[edit] Incidence

Due to the cuts in mental health spending ordered by Ronald Reagan, it is unknown exactly how many conservatives, neoconservatives, fundamentalists, and paranoid psychotics live in America. The best data indicates that between 49.999999% and 50.000001% of the US population suffer from conservatism. If this is true, it would be one of the most widespread mental illnesses currently known.

Conservatism is most common in whites, specifically the wealthy and those involved in authoritarian occupations, and paranoid psychotics. Curiously, very few people of other races are crazy enough to be conservative. Conservatives are most common in certain wealthy enclaves and very rural areas where they have driven all the intelligent people away. Conservative is remarkably uncommon in universities and institutions of learning, possibly due to the presence of smart.

Given this data, the US Surgeon General issued a Statement on Conservatism in 2004. She concluded, "I know who signs the paychecks, so go fuck yourself."

[edit] Treatment

Conservatism resists treatment with all its might. Selective english comprehension skills and an inability to recall have frustrated medical science for decades. Psychoanalysts have claimed a high success rate in minimizing or reversing the effects of conservatism in patients by exposing them to real life or real human beings outside their select social circle. Two good spliffs and a weekend in Austin, Texas are enough to cure conservatism in all but the most severe cases; unfortunately, all but the most severe cases have already been cured.

Harsh therapy has proven ineffective, since it only gives them more ideas for ways to torture the prisoners at Guantanamo.

[edit] Conservatism in United States history

Though historical diagnosis is always dangerous, it is believed that the first unambiguous case of conservatism was in the person of Edmund Burke, a long-winded Irishman of the 18th century who dropped out of law school and had an irrational hatred of calculators. His major writing, This French Guy Stole The Girl I Liked and I Swore Revenge on France: Or, A Wild Guess That I Hope I'll Get Right And Then I'll Be, Like, Smart, had much the same effect on conservatives that Timothy Leary's Politics of Ecstasy had on hippies: It convinced them that their personality disorders were not just widespread, but normal. A tragic error.

Conservatism first surfaced in the modern sense in the Nixon Era. Abraham Lincoln has the same relationship to modern conservatism that Ghandi has to fifty Hitlers. The first widely accepted case in that country was Ronald Reagan, a talented actor who played the lead in Everything is Just Fine, Honest, a top-rated sitcom in the 80s.

Since then, conservatism spread endemically, taking advantage of religion-borne vectors to, briefly, cause extreme psychosis, dementia, and suffering in the American electorate and a few other unlucky places. The patients are on the road to recovery, though, and and it is hoped that the infection will subside by 2008 at the latest.