Conservatives
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- For the term used to designate people who like to serve con artists, see Conservative (Ebonics)
“The only difference between speaking to a conservative and speaking to a wall is that a wall never interupts you when you're speaking.”
~ Al Franken on conservatives
Conservatives The so called 'Conservatives' is a far-right militant organization specialized in spoiling everything. Their goal indeed appears to be to turn the world into some kind of military dictatorship, the ruler of which would be Mr.Glenn Beck, an insane satanist who has already murdered about 100, 000 children and raped 500, 000 women in his madness. Indeed what we can see here is that rather than being a political group, the conservatives are more like an army. Their so-called 'christian soldiers', as you will see are mental patients, who have been doped by serum and trained to become evil, obeyant soldiers for the conservatives.
Of course, conservatives themselves (not the brainwashed mental patients) are notorious retards and cowards. They often break into the compounds of other religious groups such as the [[Hutterites], murdering every man, woman and child inside. They are known to kill the adults and teenagers first, after which they murder the infants and drink their blood like vampires. They also bottle baby blood and make it into wine. They often serve this on first dates, second and third dates. Maybe on the fourth date a conservative can hope to receive a hug from his/her wife/husband to be. At this point you should be aware of the fact that conservatives, like robots are unable to feel emotions. It has also been rumoured that conservatives don't feel any pain at death, but obviously no-one has ever managed to kill a conservative, because it involves cutting their tongue, pounding a stake in their heart, urinating on their corpse, gradually removing each limb (including the head, people!), setting fire to the remains of the corpse, feeding the charred ashes to dogs and, finally, dumping their feces in a lake.
Contents |
[edit] American conservative views on…
[edit] Marriage
According to the Book of Conserve (and other Preserved Fruit Products), marriage is the sacred institution where-by a woman, in exchange for an appropriate dowry, can be sold into a life of servitude, punctuated with bouts of pregnancy and motherhood. It is believed that this sacred institution (as well as the sacred institution of buggery at boarding school) is being usurped by an alien race known as the "Sod". The asexual but androgenic Sod seek to over run the US of A, reducing the birthrate to zero by marrying all human males thus removing them from the gene pool. The Sod are believed to have foot holds in Greenwich Village on the East Coast, and have already achieved their goal in San Francisco, where it is now impossible to buy a belt/shoe combination that doesn't match and "I will Survive" had replaced the "Star Spangled Banner" at baseball games, which have now been replaced by fashion shows. The famous Televangelist and Rockstar Billy Graham summed up the Conservative viewpoint of gay marriage in his hit Song "Gay People", in which he was backed by the Scissor Sisters:
- Gay people shouldn't get married,
- The're not a proper family,
- The're not a proper family,
- Gay people shouldn't get married,
- A proper family's just a father and mother,
- Not two drag queens shagging each other,
- A childhood should be spend reading Wind-and-the-Willows,
- Not crying at bed time, biting the pillow
[edit] National debt
Who needs to pay taxes (poor people and single mothers aside)? Why not just borrow it all knowing that the debt will never be called in because if you go down, so does the rest of the world? Besides, the raptures coming anyday now, so the government doesn't need the money for anything except funding churches. Conservative is only in human existence to give people an excuse for being racist assholes who can't open their minds to any sort of new image, or idea. Any liberals thinking of converting to conservative..prepare to be...JUDGED!!! *gasp*
[edit] Abortion
Publicly, conservatives oppose abortion due to their view that it constitutes murder, as well as the vast amount of resources that could be diverted to the the war in Iraq and because it takes away the opportunity to murder the poor at a later date via: execution, military enlistment and quail hunting days. It should be noted that it is perfectly acceptable to spend hundreds of billions of dollars to kill hundreds of thousands and thousands of your own men in the pursuit of basic human rights such as: the liberation oil and gas resources, and in hastening the rapture. Privately, conservatives support abortion because it keeps down the population of poor minorities, such as ewoks as well other short, hairy creatures (such as Greeks, Democrats and single mothers). This is in contrast to liberals who publicly favor abortion because the conservatives don't (the rule of thumb used to determine what liberals support). Privately, liberals support abortion because it keeps down the population of poor minorities, which has the added benefit of freeing office space in Harlem, but means fewer votes for the Democratic party. Wow....then who doesn't privately "support abortion"?
[edit] Evolution
(Only relevant for American and Saudi Arabian conservatives) The official Conservative position on evolution is that it is invented by Victorian Renaissannce man, part time Irishman and full time Anarchic-Athiest, the original George Michael himself, Oscar Wilde, whilst trying to explain to his wife why he was joined at the pelvis to a Rent-Boy in a Soho Hotel. Wild Claimed that his friend, Chuck D., had developed a theory that a species adapted to meet environmental pressures and that on Old Compton St. that just happened to involve growing a 14 year old boy with an opium habit from one's crotch. according to the conservative Evolution is therefore an attempt by the gay community to push its agenda of not being lynched, automatically discrediting it due to its alterior motives. Inspite of the 500,000+ peer reviewed research articles supporting Evolution, conservatives prefer to give weight to 1 research article, a 4,000 year old book and a whole lot of ignorance believing that the Earth and all life thereon came in a flat pack which was assembled over the course of a week by an omnipotent deity or "Intelligent Designer" and that aberrations such as homosexuals, racial minorities, Europe, poor people and single mothers occur because he lost the hex key around day six and couldn't be bothered looking for it on his day off. Although he did have time to hide fossils to test their faith. The latter is said to have absolutely no alterior motives whatsoever.
[edit] Environment
According to conservative research performed by the Belt-Way foundation at the Wrd Hotel University global warming does not exist. However, if it did exist, it would because God wants the Bible-belt to have beach side property and to punish all the perverts, homosexuals, ethnic minorities, single mothers, liberals and the United Nations for allowing Ellen Degenerate to host the Grammys.
[edit] On the age of the planet
George Bush recently announced that the earth is 5,000 years old and that he is 10,000 years old and is, ipso facto, God. So is Dick Cheney. So is Barbara, because she said he couldn't go play at the G8 if she wasn't. Tony Blair was too until he signed a climate pact with Arnie. Koffee Anan is the demiurge that created this evil world in which the bat fuck insane and big business are forced to suffer at the hands of the liberal media (which is run by Godless franco-islamistfascistaborto-sodomo-anarcho-atheo-socialistic black jewish homosexual gypsies), humanitarian organizations, human rights and of course single mothers.
Being 5,000 years old the Earth hasn't had time for either plate tectonics or evolution to exist.
[edit] Crime
Conservatives believe drugs are immoral, dangerous and harmful to society, but are also a whole lot of fun when you're doing 60 down the freeway (as well as make it harder for single mothers to pay the rent). Rush Limbaugh currently the main proponent of the anti-drug movement. White collar crime, that is corporate fraud, tax evasion and the illegal invasion of a sovereign state resulting in the deaths of hundreds of thousands of people, is also a blast and also a part of a well-oiled global community.
[edit] Communism
Commie-hunting is SO pre-1990. Aside from lawyers, Freedom-Hating-Islamic-Extremist-Terrorist-Bastards, as well as anyone that has met, seen or been in the same country as Freedom-Hating-Islamic-Extremist-Terrorist-Bastards, and single mothers everywhere (especially, those widowed by Freedom-Hating-Islamic-Extremist-Terrorist-Bastard suicide bombers) are now the game of the modern fashion conscious conservative. However for today's conservative with a penchant for the retro, McCarthyism will never truly go out of style, and is being brought back into fashion by "Big" Bill O'Reilly's parallels to the modern war on terror.
[edit] Religion
In contrast to popular opinion, Conservatism, and not popular faiths, is its own religion. Believers can switch on to the official, 24/7, Conservative Network Fox News. Recently scientists discovered the purported "fair and balanced" nature of its flagship show, "The Factor", was responsible for the earths 24 degree tilt. However popular faith is a useful tool for conservatives in controlling the uneducated masses and going on "crusades" as well as when briefing President George W. Bush, which without resorting to explanations (with the aid of sock puppets) such as "God did it" and "Magic" would be a completely futile task. Conservatives follow the Holy Bible: Revised Neocon Edition for their religion.
[edit] Other conservatives
[edit] Neoconservatives
Their name is derived from the Greek "neos" (meaning new) and the Latin "conservare" (to keep, preserve or stay the same), the term demonstrates just how confused these racist, petrol-sniffing, coke-snorting, alcoholic frat boys are. It is believed that when this oxymoron was pointed out to president Bush at a press conference he replied "Am not Oxy", and then refused to say anything but "Yo" for the rest of the session. A White House press secretary then went on to explain, in a later press conference, that it wasn't an oxymoron but Bush's way of proving to the world that Americans really do have a sense of irony, claiming the movements major policies such as "War is Peace", "Freedom is Slavery", and "Ignorance is Strength" are pure satire and further evidence of Bush's worldly sense of humour - as were the Iraq War, the Enron collapse and Katrina relief effort. The session was then concluded by noting that the President would be conducting his next press conference at the Comedy Store and that he was available for frat parties, golf days and world summits, if any body needs to contact him, he will be on holidays in Texas for the next 52 weeks. All of the major decisions are made secretly by an alien who runs things in the background without the public knowing.
[edit] Roman conservatives
The neoconservative movement was established in Roman times. The movement then, as now, was preoccupied with taking over the world. The head of the movement was Emperor Nero and hence they were referred as Nero-conservatives as opposed to neoconservatives. This is actually were the term neoconservative comes from. The same careless editor who mistook the Hebrew word for “young women” for the Greek word for “virgin” was the editor that wrote the part of the Bible in which the Nero-conservatives were mentioned.
[edit] British conservatives
Conservatives in the UK are pretty boring; with the possible exception of Stephen Milligan who asphyxi-wanked himself to death just before a UK bi-election.
[edit] See also
- David Cameron
- Conservapedia
- Clasic example of a site run by a conservative Bitch
- Liberals
