Conservative Party

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“Take from the poor, give to the rich. Simple”

~ David Cameron on party policies.
The current Conservative Party logo
The current Conservative Party logo

The British Conservative Party is a fringe political party in England. The party nominally exists in Scotland and Wales, but has struggle since the regional governments of the two countries passed the No Tories This Side Of The Border Act, where being Conservative is now punishable by hanging. When first put forward as a political party following the defeat of Napoleon Bonaparte, conservative candidates were often laughed at and had cow dung flung at them, though this soon stopped when the butch wing of the party moved in and put a stop to all dissent.

The party grew in strength during the reign of Queen Victoria and its years of government saw the passing of many Acts in Parliament such as the No Smiling Act[1] and the Gin Palace For Every Poor Neighbourhood Act. The conservatives were also responsible for many of Britain's most famous overseas adventures such as the growth of Empire in the 19th century which they achieved by ensuring the passing of Cyril Pennygale's Let's Takeover Africa Bill in 1865.

In the 20th century, the conservative party went into decline thanks to the rise of the Labour Party a shiftless group of dirty-faced proles and peasants whose eyebrows met and who didn't sit up straight. The success of this party was largely due to the passing of the Universal Sufferage Act in 1902 which was the result of the conservatives boycotting parliament in remembrance of the death of proto-Tory Charles I.

The most famous leader of the party to date is Margaret Thatcher who made herself Queen of England and Lady Protector of the Falkland Islands in an era known as the 1980s. Her tireless campaigning against political, social and racial groups has since been taken up by The Daily Mail.

Since 2005, the Conservatives have been lead by David Cameron. He has been compared to Lady Thatcher in every way except policies, bearing and fundamental beliefs.

Contents

[edit] The Middle East

More recently the Conservative Party has been addressing the throny issue of the Middle East. In the 1980's the Conservative Party forged extensive links with Israel especially through the Hugs and Kisses to Israel, Palestinians can blow it out their ass group, more recently though they have been revising their position and on their A-List now include Sayeeda Warsi who says that the UK Government should talk to Al Qaeda, maybe establish some training camps here and shared military facilities.

The 2005 Conservative Manifesto
The 2005 Conservative Manifesto

William Hague while not going as far now says that actually maybe Hezbollah and Hamas and Fatah aren't such bad people after all, those rockets are all an illusion.

Meanwhile in a recent survey on the difference between Sunni and Shia, MP Anne Milton said that she didn't know, it was pointed out that she was a member of The Friends of Islam and she said "Oh yes, I suppose so. I forgot. I don’t think I’ve sat on it yet.", later it turned out that she had been sitting on a Sunni Muslim all through the interview - she said "she should have known all along as obviously the Shia have a far less Sunny disposition".

[edit] Revenue and Public Spending

Conservatives used to quite like government back when all it did was tax the poor to keep the aristocracy in venison and gold, thrash schoolchildren, conquer the world and baton-charge socialists but now that the state is run by sandle-wearing liberals who use it to arrest rapists and "promote homosexuality"[2] conservatives have decided that "government is part of the problem, not the solution"[3]. Conservatives have transferred their old faith in government to business which they have convinced themselves is dominated by hard-nosed square-jawed nazis. Of course the Conservative Party will raise Public Spending while cutting tax and holding down borrowing, mainly because David Cameron feels that he needs to hold on to more traditional elements of the party and also to Liberals and Social Democrats tempted to vote for him. In fact his economic policies sound almost Maoist and very much a return to those of Edward Heath - the last Communist to run the Conservative Party.

[edit] Young Conservatives

A typical Young Conservative discussing economic policy with the Compass Group
A typical Young Conservative discussing economic policy with the Compass Group

If you are between 16 and 24, have a side-parting, lips fixed in a permanent semi-sneer and a braying laugh then you can join the Young Conservatives. Activities include throwing bread rolls around restaurants; pipe-smoking (traditionally tobacco but usually cannabis for the modern young conservative); getting drunk on Pimms and beating up a tramp; and snorting cocaine from the ample breasts of a millionaire's daughter.

[edit] Main Policies of the Conservative Party

  • None. The Conservative Party has "ceased to... believe in anything, or to stand for anything."[4]

[edit] Leaders of the Conservative Party

[edit] References

  1. ↑ It was this law that explains why people in Victorian photographs always look so grumpy
  2. ↑ That's conservatese for "not declare sinful, dirty and evil"
  3. ↑ Except the "old" bits of government that protect intellectual property and "the realm". Those of course have always been in dire need of extra funding.
  4. ↑ http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/6241928.stm Conservative MP defects to Labour

[edit] See Also

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