Constitution (Games)
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Constitution is a jargon frequently used in games, such as Dungeons and Dragons. It was first documented in the Book of Erotic Fantasy, an official book from the Second Edition Advanced Dungeons and Dragons ruleset. It somehow survived the move from the Wizards of the Cost to TSR.
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[edit] Etymology
As everyone knows, con is the opposite of pro, and therefore, constitution is the opposite of prostitution. When applied in a game such as D&D, it quickly carries on a philosophically complex meaning. Prostitutes, by definition, are people who get paid for performing sexual tasks (colloquially and crassly, "getting screwed"). Constitutes, more often called constituents, logically, are the exact opposite -- they are people who pay to be screwed, often by their superiors, in particular dungeons masters and local Catholic priests who would otherwise burn them at the stake for being satanists.
This has several important ramifications for the use of constitution in games.
[edit] Meaning and application
Constitution, as described above, is the act, process, or result of paying or investing great personal effort which results in the payer getting screwed. Therefore, in games, it is used in an ironic sense to describe the least useful attributes or stats that are completely ignored ("dumped") by the player who in turn practices minimaxing. In Third Edition D&D, there are a wide range of main attributes, as listed below:
- Strength, Dexterity, Intelligence, Wisdom, Charisma, Comeliness
The first five stats are all used extensively and intensively in D&D sessions; charisma and comeliness, on the other hand, are relatively useless (therefore constitution stats), since if you're a geeky male high school student with glasses and loads of zits on your face, chances are nobody's going to take you very seriously when you try to play a real cool and macho warrior or a beautiful sorceress. You'll just be laughed at, and forced to pay for the pizzas every time.
On the other hand, if you're a pretty person, and happen to be of the sex the dungeon master is oriented at, then who cares about charisma or comeliness? All you need to do is practice prostitution with the dungeon master and the negative philosophical consequences of constitution will all be gone. Isn't it great to have natural 20's every time you're in danger, or, for that matter, every time you're not?
Now stop here for a second, and ponder the examples that have been listed.
...
Yes! You're fired!
Sorry, wrong channel.
Anyway, a great irony exists here, if you haven't noticed already; note that by practising prostitution, D&D players are also practising constitution, despite the fact that it is the complete opposite of the other. Isn't it amazing how the world works? Always complex, always shades of grey... Look at the whirling world...
What? That was me hallucinating again? Oh, never mind.
[edit] Book of Erotic Fantasy
The pure sense of the word is used in the Book of Erotic Fantasy, written by R. A. Salvatore. In the book, a prestige class is listed alongside the prostitute -- the Constituent.
The Constituent is a rogue-like class that becomes poor and fatigued easily but is very easy to keep happy. Constituents in general get hungry and tired faster than other classes, due to two reasons. They, much as vampires need blood to survive, have an insatiable lust for sexual contact. At first level, constituents get the class feat, pay to get screwed, which lets them exchange 50d6 + level*2 gold for fulfilling their vampiric urge to get screwed by someone higher than they in level. In general, they must do this once every week, and for as many rounds as their level after getting screwed, they experience a sensation similar to that of an orgasm. Of course, the other reason that they tire easily is because pay to get screwed is a feat that drains endurance rapidly.
Class skills include knowledge (sex), knowledge (real world), knowledge (politics), handle animal, bluff, diplomacy, speak language, decipher script innuendo, intimidate, tumble, and wilderness lore, not including new skills introduced outside of the core ruleset.
Interestingly enough, the constituent class seemed to have been designed to have many constitution stats. Whether this is due to the author's sense of humour or oversight, it is unknown. In any case, most constituents do not invest any points in knowledge (real world), knowledge (politics), diplomacy, speak language, or decipher script. D&D players have suggested that this it because the abovementioned skills actually decrease the effectiveness of the pay to get screwed feat and the orgasm-like buff it produces. Furthermore, the use of the feat also decreases the effectiveness of those skills, and thus most constituents simply ignore those constitution stats.
At higher levels, constituents receive feats that increase their bluff and intimidate skills tremendously.
[edit] Non-D&D games
Any game that uses constitution in the same manner is a rip-off and has been sued by the Wizards of the Cost. It is theft, and is wrong. It would be morally reprenhensible of Uncyclopedia to document them here, since the sanctity of intellectual property is at stake here.
Please report all movies stealing from this concept to the MPAA so that they may forward this message to the Wizards of the Cost.
[edit] Footnoot... I mean Fotenote... or Fotenoot
Uncyclopedia, being a factual encyclopedia, needs to make clear that constituents in the political sense do not, in fact, pay to be get screwed. They are actually enjoying the freedom of choosing fair candidates from a wide selection to make informed decisions for them and by their consent. Besides, constituents don't actually pay anything, except in taxes, which are so light as to be negligible by all but the most miserly, to contribute to the greater good of the nations in which they live.
