Cookie

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“David likes boys!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Cookies

“In Soviet Russia, Cookies bakes You!”

~ Russian Reversal on Cookies

“Cookies, like all things, need love and attention”

~ John Gacy on Cookies

Urinal Cookies, yummy and ready to piss on eat!

There are many cookies with Leibniz written on them. There are however surprisingly few that say Newton.

Cookies are small brown lumps of burnt dough. Due to their appealing smell and texture, they are occasionally eaten, immediately resulting in painful, blood-spraying death. Cookies are also known as biscuits if you're a bloody wanker.

[edit] History

Yes.

The cookie was invented in 1632 by Sir Isaac Newton, who was throwing small lumps of dough into the air while nude in an attempt to study gravity and it's use in sex acts(which he has discovered in 1623)and to study what it would feel like to have dough all over him if he missed. Several of these dough lumps fell onto a nearby hotplate (which he had also invented in 1629) and baked into the first cookies.

Newton’s competitor Gottfried Leibniz walked into the room while Newton was doing this. He at was first startled by Newton's nudity, but then observed the cookies and understood. Leibniz quickly took credit for the discovery of the cookie, claiming that he had invented it independently whilst also in the nude. However, his claim was doubted by his contemporaries, because it was common knowledge that during the entire period from 1628-1636, he was locked in a closet drinking cold tea and getting stoned with no access to any of the ingredients Newton used. Some of which were poison!

Leibniz attempted to defend himself by showing papers on the subject of cookies that he had written before Newton published his recipe. However, he was unable to do produce such papers, and claimed ignorance. A famous example of this is in his letter to Conti:

"Pour répondre de point en point à l'ouvrage publié contre moi, il falloit entrer dans un grand détail de quantité de minutiés passées il y a trente à quarante ans, dont je ne me souvenois guère: il me falloit chercher mes vieilles lettres, dont plusiers se sont perdus."

["To defend myself and not look like an asshole, I would have to remember what happened many years ago, and I can't remember any of it: I would have to search my old letters, but I used most of them to roll joints."]

This dispute was eventually settled in 1682 when Newton challenged Leibniz to an apple-tossing contest (which he had invented in 1669). Leibniz went first and managed to throw his apple 47 PS (about 67 metres). Newton threw his apple directly into Leibniz's face, winning by default as Leibniz was unable to make any further throws.

Subsequently, Newton decided he would like to be famous for something, and made his own baked good. These were basically cookies, but stuffed with figs. People call them cookies, but no, it is a freaking Newton. You can't say "Cookie" or else Sir Ike will get pissed and toss fruit at you. Freaking fascist.

[edit] Toxicity

Some cookies are rumoured to contain traces of opium, a favourite cookie-ingredient of the Chinese Black Market. Also, Cookies are also rumoured to be the leading cause of Cancer, airline crashes on uncharted islands, and giant venomous poodles. Jam Jams are a particularly addictive form of chemically-enhanced cookie, traditionally eaten in Newfoundland.

There is only one known "cure" for the addiction to cookies, and that is, simply enough, death. Some commit suicide in order to end the misery of cookie-addiction. In some cultures, such as the Japanese, this was considered honorable.Cookies are so good.............but they can be very addicting.So show caution when eating cookies.

Few Accidents of Cookies were found to be related to a rapid movement while using a pair of Spring shoes of a oveburn type. The rapid movements increased the Stupid smile of the victim until he achieved a satisfied choke and A Splode.

[edit] Grandma's Cookie Recipe

Be wary...a slight overdose or underdose of any ingredient might cause catastrophic results, such as the end of the universe, due to the imploding nature of cookies.

[edit] Ingredients

2 cups brown sugar.

4 cups all-porpoise flour.

3 eggs (Human)

Bunnies like Grandma's cookies, too.

1/2 cup fat-free milk (Camel)

1 teaspoon vanilla extract.

27 body bags

Nougat to taste

1 Piece Of Cake

5 plastic Tbags.

6 pieces of bowls(for crunch)

5 broom sticks

1/2 pound of black bunnies for the chocolate chip cookies by the way

[edit] Procedure

1. Mix the flour, eggs, milk, and vanilla over open flame. Stir in brown sugar.

2. Steam dough 20 minutes.

3. Taste nougat.

4. Roll dough into 1 1/2 inch balls (LOL) and place 2 inches apart on greased monkey cookie sheet.

5. Eat Piece Of Cake.

6. Suspend cookie sheet over plastic litter box (clean).

7. Bake for 34 seconds, stirring occasionally.

8. Lightly drizzle vanilla extract on face.

9. Serve with shaved ice.

Makes 376 (meatloaf).

10. Begin to roll on Floor laughing like an idiot.

11. Enjoy!

[edit] Cookies and The Force

In the beginnings of the Universe, the first Sith Lords discovered the power of cookies which they reduced to the following mantra:

"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to power, power leads to energy, energy leads to matter, matter leads to molecules, molecules lead to organic life, organic life leads to tasty cookies, which lead to VICTORY! Let the cookies flow through you and make you strong. Cookies channeled through your bowels are unstoppable!" ORANGE JOOCEnn:Kjeks