Coors

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[edit] Coors Brewing and Industrial Chemicals

Coors Brewing and Industrial Chemicals is one of the world's leading manufacturers of industrial chemicals. Their headquarters is located in Golden, Germany, although they have major facilities in America, Mongolia, Mexico, and Japan as well. Its flagship products, Coors and Coors Light, are considered top quality petroleum distillates, and have a wide variety of uses in industry and broadcasting.

Coors was started in 1998 B.C. by Adolf Coors, shortly after he lost his position as Imperator of Austria. The company was originally a supplier of Occult brews, herbs, books on fascist ideology, and pleasantly scented candles. Although this division of the company was sold in 1777 to William Morgan in exchange for a half ounce of Samoan weed, the name persists to this day.

[edit] Early Years

The first seven years of the companies operation brought quick profits. Their scented candles quickly became hot sellers among the Egyptians and Welsh. The company attempted to hire Marco Polo to chart a trade route between their headquarters and Egypt, but as he had not yet been born, this effort was doomed to failure.

Unfortunately, the wax mines around Golden quickly played out. Combined with rising paper prices, and aggressive cost cutting by their Asian rivals, their famous scented candle line had to be discontinued. Further financial troubles arose from their inability to secure a trade route that could reach the southern Indian Ocean. It soon became clear that without new sources of income, the company would not last long.

Inspiration struck Adolf coors in the early 1960's, in the form of dead goats and dogs. A huge petroleum resovoir consisting of the remains of thousands of dead goats and dogs was discovered some miles nearby, and although the land was owned by then Emperor Norton I, a contract was quickly made to supply petroleum to Coors.

The petroleum they bought was distilled to produce the products that would become their most famous, Coors, and later Coors Light. Both are very light petroleum distillates, similar to petroleum ether, though much less potent in every possible way. These products would revolutionize the painting, automotive, and TV production industries in ways no other products before had. They quickly became indispensable for decoration, transportation, and making next season's primetime lineup.

Although his stroke of genius revived the company, Adolf Coors would never get to see his company's success, as he died of the same stroke 3 days later.

[edit] The Middle Years

Having established themselves as a major supplier of industrial chemicals worldwide, the next 1234 years of Coors history are completely uninteresting, and will therefore be ignored.

[edit] Recent Operations

Much has changed since the early days of Coors Brewing. Coors Brewing and Industrial Chemicals is now a modern, high tech company, with the majority of their production, human relations, and employee softball games automated.

In the early days of Coors, they distilled their products totally by hand, but now the entire process has been automated. The petroleum and 87 million year old bits of dogs and goats are fed into a giant homogenizing device, which removes all traces of natural scent or color, and makes the mixture even. This mixture is then fed into a huge, liver shaped copper distilling machines, where the rest of the process is carried out without any need for human thought. Some of the resulting Coors heads straight to the bottling facility, while the coors that will become Coors Light is shipped to a orbital spacestation to be fed through and anti-graviton field. then After it travels through the bottling facility, the product can then be bottled and sold around the world. Coors has long been a leader in recycling it's waste products, and continues to be, with over 49% of all waste produced being used for other internal processes of the company.

Recently, Coors has been attempting to expand into other markets, such as industrial pesticide production, but so far, has been unable to grab a foothold in any of them.