Cootamundra
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Go cootamundra dont knock it bastards !
“ Cootamundra: Come for the cricket memorabilia, stay for the psychological trauma! ”
~ Current town motto of Cootamundra
Cootamundra is a mythical shape-shifting swamp creature, currently taking the form of a blighted township in rural New South Wales,Orstraya. This is a welcome change for Cootamundra residents, as for the past twenty years the town was precariously situated on the rim of the third circle of Hell [1].
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[edit] Origins of Cootamundra
Due to repeated invasions by half-retarded Viking forces in the Paleolithic period (keen to get their sticky fingers on Cootamundra's fine local brew), Cootamundra's feudal lordship unanimously decided to build a moat around the town. Due to the drought, the townsfolk filled the moat with the corpses of various ethnic groups, mixed with vitreous fluid from the eyes of rabid drop-bears. Resourceful as this was, the Vikings easily traversed this barrier, stampeded Cootamundra, and cohabited with many of its female residents. These randy pairings between Vikings and Cootamundra women led to a monstrous genetic double-helping of 'stupid', and largely accounts for the blank, intellectually vacant stare of Cootamundra residents seen today.
[edit] Recent History
For years, Cootamundra happily developed a reputation as a 'let's-break-out-the-retirement-champagne' sort of place. However, like most country towns, Cootamundra has a deep, dark underbelly; full of eerie happenings, disturbed people, and scenarios that wouldn't look out of place in a David Lynch movie. As a result, Cootamundra outwardly appears to be idyllic, but is unknowingly nurturing the welfare dependents, meth addicts, crack whores, prostitutes and corporate sociopaths of the future. It should be proud of itself, really.
[edit] People
In a controversial moment on his 2007 campaign trail, the Prime Minister of Orstraya, Krudd, stated that Cootamundra was "utterly devoid of working families". The 2004 census determined that 80% of Cootamundra's population was over the age of 70. 10% were aged from 25-69, and 5% were aged 0-25. The other 5% were found to be just plain dickheads.
Cootamundra is particularly renowned for its youth activities. Male youth love to engage in public streaking, risible displays of idiotic machismo, petty crime, and repeatedly banging heads on the walls of local brick shithouses. Male youths from Cootamundra can often be found lined in rows along the main street, inhaling the content of aerosol cans from plastic bags, and exclaiming "Huhh huhh ... huhh huhh ... I can seeeeeee the fairrrrreeeeeeeeeees."
The most popular pastime of the local female youth is a game called "How many DSM IV criteria can we satisfy today?" This often manifests in the following behaviour:
- Sleeping with your best friend's boyfriend, then later getting with him
- Making out with that same female friend for cash at a party, making that boy dump you anyway.
- Getting together with the best mate of that ex-boyfriend three days after the break up.
- Cheating on that boyfriend by sleeping with a complete stranger two days after moving to University.
- After these sociopathic shenanigans, inexplicably deciding two years later that you were a lesbian all along.
- Acting as a pot, meth and eccy dealer for your freak theatre group buddies
- Hiding your various addictions from your parents
- Thanking god that your Mum is too doped up on Haldol to realise that you're a cunt
- Shitting yourself because you've just realised the author of this article is talking about something you've done, and -
- Consequently wondering who the author of this article is.
The older members of the township are largely forgiving of such debauchery, as most of it is attributable to the evil spirit called BOB that lurks in the thick woods surrounding Cootamundra.[[2]]
[edit] Famous Locals
Cootamundra's touts itself as being the birthplace of Orstraya's greatest test cricketer, Donald Bradman[[3]]. However, Don Bradman was NOT actually born in Cootamundra. He was delivered in rustic cabin 5kms outside Cootamundra, tearing his mother from her V to her A in the process (he was born with a cricket bat in hand). Don Bradman spent several months in this cabin as an infant, and then pissed off with his family to Bowral. Bradman never set foot in Cootamundra again - as an infant, a teenager, a young adult, a mutant, or as a cantankerous old fart. Risibly desperate, Cootamundra's local council uprooted the cabin, transported it to town, and dumped it in a random local street. Unlike most of the crap you've read in this article so far, I'm not actually making this up.
Due to this technical association with Bradman, Cootamundra has styled itself as a tourist haven for people who are pathologically obsessed with cricket. In a veritable orgasm of poor planning, Cootamundra's local council spent thousands getting huge bronze busts of previous test cricket captains (called 'The Captains Walk') to "boost tourism to the area". Unfortunately, all the busts were cast from the same mold, so they all kinda look like a hybrid of Mark Taylor and Richie Benaud. And sadly, the only people the busts attracted were Indians with nothing better to do, and drunken teenage girls taking photos in silly poses suggestive of fellatio.
The local council also keeps a framed letter that Bradman wrote to the council before his death in 2000. The letter is inexplicably called "The Bradman Trophy". This 'trophy' is awarded to the team who wins the annual cricket competition. Sadly, if the local council had any inclination to read between the lines of the letter, they would have realised a long time ago that the letter itself is Bradman's rather polite way of telling them to fuck off, stop writing to him, and cease requesting that he make an appearance in their shit hole of a town.
[edit] Flora and Fauna
Cootamundra takes great pride in its unique local variety of wattle plant [[4]]. In a major victory for the town, it was not declared a weed in 2001. The annual 'Wattle Festival' is the townsfolk's rather pathetic way of celebrating wattle, but all it is is a bunch of crappy art stalls dumped amongst bounteous piles of horse shit. The 'highlight' of this festival is the crowning of the local 'Wattle Girl', an unofficial 'ambassador' for Cootamundra for the duration of the festival. The girl is usually aged from 16-18, is in her final year of high school, and invariably has an IQ below room temperature. Being crowned the 'Wattle Girl' is generally regarded as the career highlight for the girl in question, and is considered to be a fantastic stepping stone to a successful career in the porn industry.
[edit] Timeline of Cootamundra
1488 - Marauding hordes of vikings, led by the irrepressible Erik the Viking, invade Cootamundra as part of a scheme to conquer and use rural Orstrayan towns for tax deduction purposes.
1542 - King Henry VIII solicits local 'Wattle Girl' Elly Higginbottom to be his third wife after the execution of Anne Boleyn. Elly immediately sends a telegram to Henry following his proposal, stating "If I had two heads, one would be at your disposal, you fat greasy fuck!"
1610 - Shakespeare publishes a rare first folio draft of "Macbeth" set in the staff room of Cootamundra High School's Maths Faculty instead of Dunsinane Castle.
1790 - Criminal masterminds dispatched from Great Britain infiltrate the harsh rural bushland, eventually making their way down to Cootamundra on a pink bus called 'Priscilla'.
1975 - Francis Ford Coppola films a rarely seen documentary about the upstairs inhabitants of Cootamundra's "Hot Bake". The phrases "You want sucky sucky?" and "Me love you long time" are frequently heard in the film.
1990 - The local kids' drama society relocates to an abandoned building that was the site of a murder-suicide in the mid 1970's, and is rumoured to be haunted. Much hilarity ensues.
[edit] See Also
