Cork (County)
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County Cork is an island county of Ireland.
Cork, so named because of it's amazingly low combined density, orbits the island nation of Ireland like a spongeform terrestrial satellite. To prevent the county from floating away towards America or "god forbid" Britain, the entire landmass is anchored via a massive steel cable. This cable is pegged down somewhere near Athlone, and as such, no-one outside of Cork is actually aware of it's existence. This has saved the Cork County Council from having to electrify the cable to stop immigrants from attempting a perilous monkey swing to freedom.
Ships passing through Irish waters are warned to be aware of the county, which can reach speeds of up to 40 knots during high winds.
[edit] University College Cork
Cork is famous for its university, which is staffed entirely by ex-cons and escaped mental patients (but seriously, I love you guys), the most notable of which is the dean, Gerald T. "T-Rex" Wrixon, who garnered said "T-Rex" nickname by resembling an enormous carnivorous dinosaur. With his powerful jaws and gaping mandibles, Wrixon can strip a BIS student of his/her flesh in under 6 seconds, a feat which he performs annually for incoming first year students. Let that be a warning to ye!
UCC boasts the most skilful Whale Hunting team in all of Ireland, in fact, it's the only whale hunting team, whale hunting having been deemed unlawful by the Taoiseach Mr.Tayto in the Great Whale Debate of 2004, during which several people lost their lives. Wrixon managed to secure amnesty from the Whale Hunting ban for UCC through what the Taoiseach described as "blood brothers keepin' it real" at a press conference...during which several people lost their lives.
UCC is also a haven for Gourmands of all shapes and sizes..although they generally only come in one. The Main Campus Restaurant is frequented daily by such local celebrities as Eddie "I shot the sheriff" Hobbes and Gemma "I'm too good for my Meteor Award" Hayes, and has recently received the honour of a 3 star Michillan rating. With the upstairs or "Mini" restaurant well on it's way to high class notoriety, Campbells catering is now the second most powerful of the great feuding Catering Clans of Munster.
Academically, UCC has been on top of The Times' "Top 100 colleges in Cork" for 3 of the past 4 years, a spot previously held by the St.Johns "Senter 4 AdUlts who don't learn Go0d n'stuff." World renowned for it's degrees in Sandwich Engineering, The Life and Times of Courtney Love and Hyper-Dentistry-X, from the moment they leave the machine gun guarded confines of the campus, graduates from UCC are guaranteed secure jobs for life.
Campus rules are simple and fair, and are rigorously enforced by a selection of the Deans "Sychophantic-Underlings...or SU for short" armed with sub-machine guns and whale hunting harpoons. Such rules include "Miniskirt Tuesday", the "You must be this Asian or Russian to do a post-graduate in Computer Science" rule and the rigorously enforced "Oompa-Loompa rule" for Commerce Students. Those who are found in violation of these rules are promptly shipped out to high-security holding facilty located miles from any human settlement. In the Criminaly Insane Torture facility (or "CIT" facilty as it is colloquially known) victims are subjected to horrible tortures including NO PUB and 3 years of learning about such riveting subjects as cabbage, and hurling.
[edit] A Brief History of UCC
Founded in 1845 by a ragtag bunch of mercenary convicts and drag queens, UCC is one of only 4 universities in Ireland. Shortly after it's founding, debate raged as to who was to be majority shareholder. This argument escalated into fullscale war in 1847 when the elected head of the transvestites lobby, Finbarr "Professer of Pain", issued an ultimatum to the leader of the Convicts, a man known only as Snake. After 6 months of intense and hilarious battle the transvestites emerged victorious. To commemorate this glorious day the college was renamed "Queen's College". The now famous clock tower building was constructed on the very site where Finbarr gave the evil convict leader his final lesson in pain! To this day the UCC crest remains emblazoned into the clock tower floor, adorned with the college motto "Where Finbarr taught, let Munster learn" To this effect, UCC has been dolling out steaming hot bowls of anguish, pressure and agony to generations of students from monster and beyond since that fateful day.
In 1849 a distinguished academic by the name of George Boole successfully applied for a professorship at UCC. During his time at the UCC mathematics department he developed many of the equations that would make it possible for many of the everyday objects we take for granted to come into existence later. 2 months after his application he had derived the "Browening Equation" specifically Bread+Fire=Toast(Which he called Pyronised Bread). The significance of this complex equation would not be fully understood until perhaps 40 years later when the toaster was invented by the descendant of Lord Sandwich, The Duke of Toastington.
In 1850 he developed an equation that would pave the way for washing machine spin-cycles, but his greatest achievement, the Boolean Automated Lawn Tennis Simulator, was not to come until midway into his career. Boole had always been an avid fan of Tennis, but, being a Vampire on his fathers side, could never indulge during the polite, daytime hours. Ever since he received a book on Euclidian Geometry for his 15'th birthday, Boole had dedicated his life to solving this crepuscular dilemma of his. To do this he invented a string of sensical philosophy called Boolean Logic. Using this ingenious system, Boole was able to develop what would eventually become Computer Pong. Boole died in 1864 of pneumonia as a result of eating way too many ice lollies way too fast.
Apart from a visit from WWE wrestler Kane (which resulted in a renaming of the Tatanka Building), not much has happened since in UCC. Having risen from humble transvestite-convict roots, UCC is now Ireland's most prestigious University, next to Trinity, UCD, NUIG and DCU (but not UL..take that ya vicious drug dealin' bastards.)
[edit] UCC Campus Tour
Student Centre Located just left a bit from the Honen Chapel, a small church/relicary donated to the college by God himself exactly 14 years ago, the Student centre houses important Student Ammenities. It contains 2 Restaurants, both of which are identical in all but elevation, an Olympic size swimming pool, a downstairs late night Casino, a "New" bar, which is redecorated and restaffed every 2 months to save Administration having to come up with a better name, and a "totally non-functional" hall, which is where the Law Student come to show off their laptops when the Orb is full (See O'Rahilly Building") Arts Students attend lectures in the Student Centre from the hours of 9-3, in subjects such as "Grilled Sandwiches, a study", "The Chemical Composition of 80c Coffee" and "Procrastinatology".
The O'Rahilly Building. By far the oldest building in campus (except for the Quantum Physics Labs which changes shape and size and location continuously ever since the development of the "Infinite Improbability" engine by one of the postgrads) the O Rahilly Building is reported to have existed in Ireland before Celtic settlers ever set foot on her shores. Nicknamed the ORB for it's completely spherical shape, the entire building seems to have been constructed as a cruel joke by some mastermind divine architect. Each one of it's 12,347 identical rooms contains no less than 12 exits, most of which lead to odd diamond shaped seating areas or unused fire exits. No one is quite sure as to how many floors the ORB contains, but some Physics students theorise that the upper levels of the building exist in a parallel dimensional loop, causing each subsequent trip up to the next level to result in the teleportation of the traveller to some lower floor. The halls of the building are guarded by a race of Orange-Skinned, White Puffa Jacket wearing Warriors known as the Comms, and are littered with the fallen bodies or freshers who, after years of searching in vain, failed to find the exit.
The Boole Library Named after George Boole, inventor of pong and deceased college alumni. The Boole Library was the first and only library in the world to adopt the "Helter-Skelter" filing system, developed by noted Archivist and Serial Killer Charles Manson. Under said system, each book is given a total of 666 different reference tags and numbers. The books are then placed around the library according to precise astronomical calculations which plot the course of Pluto through the solar system. A computer database is available for any student who finds this system confusing. This trusty system will not only tell you the name of the book you've entered, but also the author and cover-art, thus equipping you with all the necessary tools needed to hunt it down. The recent renovations to the Boole Library give it an architectural feel something akin to a prison, which of course was the intention. The new space will serve as a torture centre for those students who return books late. The screams of those students, it is believed, will concentrate wonderfully the minds of those attempting to procrastinate study by looking up Bebo profile and putting up celebrity lookalikes clips of themselves - which apparently makes up 88% of all computer activity in U.C.C.
The Aula Maxima According to Oscar Wilde "All roads lead to the Aula Maxima Frank", and, if college signposting is anything to go by, he was right! "Aula Maxima" literally means "Big Hall" in the Church's Latin, but in Greek Latin (according to John anyway) Aula means pot, so Aula Maxima literally means "Big Pot" and think about it, who would want to go to a university. In terms of function, it does everything it says on the tin, being both a hall, and of largish size. This room is where the UCC higher echelon take prospective investors for the final segment of the standard Campus tour. As they stand in awe of the rooms largeishness, the reps have more than enough time to pilfer every wallet they can get their sticky hands on. To this date the Aula Maxima pickpocketing initiative has netted the college over €700,000,000 in loose change, several hundred emergency condoms and a lifetimes supply of 'Buy One Get One Feee' deals for Dominos Pizza.
The Boole Basement Located some 20,000 leagues under the Library, the Boole Basement is in fact a facility containing lecture halls and a communal showers/computer room and not a seedy nightclub for the LGBT society as is widely believed. The Boole Basement is on floor Q-1 of the Boole Structure (The Q stands for Quality!). Underneath it is the shady and mysterious Q-2, where the college houses the Reactor granted to the Administration by the Americans during the Atoms for Peace Treaty, on clear nights the entire complex emits a gentle green glow, perfect ambient light for the scores of Lesbians, Gays, Bi-Sexuals and Transsexuals who mysteriously congregate there every Wednesday Night.
The Kane Building Named after a famous wrestler who, in 2002, became an honorary Professor of Pain, the Kane Building has won the "Architects Quarterly" prize for ugliest building 46 times running. Constructed in 1960 by people whose identity is protected by the state to prevent violent backlash, the Kane Building is the tallest building on campus, and subsequently it's most frequented suicide drop-spot. During the nineteen-eighties, Japanese film crews used the Basement levels of the complex to film cult horror movies. The Building contains chemistry, physics and metaphysics labs, and despite being designed for use by perhaps several thousand students, contains only 2 bathrooms, cunningly hidden behind locker rooms in the lowest level. Recently the college is abuzz with widespread speculation as to the contents and purpose of floors 5 and 6 of this building, both of which are guarded by a big two headed dog called fluffy who is prone to falling asleep at inopportune moments.
The Food Science Buidling UCC is a college plagued by mystery. Mysteries such as, "Why does my soup contain translucent balls of jelly", "Why do screws stick to the walls of the Tyndall Building" and "Where are the Bathrooms in Aras na Laoi". None of these however compairs to the three-story tall, sub-campus spanning enigma that is the Food Science Complex. Hastilly constructed several years back by an ultra-skilled Immigrant Micronesian Work-Force, the entire complex appears from the outside to be nothing more than a perfectly normal collection of labs and lecture rooms. It is only when you step inside that you notice something is amiss........silence! The entire building is deserted...unused. The windows in some rooms still have the protective blue wrapping across them, the doors to some of the labs contain no handle or key hole. Few students, if any have ever walked it's halls with purpose. Some speculate that the Food Science Building is a religious folly built in worship of the God Cthullu, some claim that it is a means for the college to up it's research grant. Whatever the answer, the Food Science Building will undoubtedly remain a part of Campus lore for many years to come.
Aras Na Laoi Built in 1842, Aras na Laoi (which translates from the native Gaeilge to mean Magnolia Manor) erected to commemorate the site of Corks first public use car park. Today it is host to the Law and Mathematics departments of the college. The entire building smells faintly of cabbage, a feature attributed to it having been built over an ancient Cabbage burial ground.
The Quad Named after a bar on Tuckey St. in the heart of Cork's 'Public Urinal' District.To the untrained Eye the Quad is nothing More than 4 squares of grass, but to the students of UCC (at least the ones with trained eyes) it is so much more. Many think that the folkloric curse that claims "whomever cross my breadth or span shall fail his end of year exam" was invented by the groundsmaster to keep kids from using the quads perfectly manicured lawns as an extension of the Campus Plaza. Recent discoveries have uncovered its true origins. It was in fact started by the groundsmaster, but for a very different reason. The Quad actually plots the intersection of two of the worlds most powerful Ley Lines. It is said that at the very heart of the quad lies an extraplanar gate which leads to a dimension where the Pizza Deal in the Kampus Kitchen (The White Supremisists bistro of choice) is €5.50 instead of €5..i.e. hell. Campus Administration have taken severe measures to prevent any student from entering the portal which involves a 24 hour armed guard regiment. Anyone crossing the perimeter will be shot down by an eagle eyed Campus guard (they go through 2 weeks of rigorous training you know)and dragged to the Main for "Processing".
The Glucksman Gallery This truly beautiful piece of architecture was build to celebrate Cork City being named the 2005 Capital of Culchies. Kitted out in ceiling to floor lapis lasulai mosiac, and with automatic sinks, the Glucksman Toilets are the colleges most popular attraction. At peak times, visitors are advised that there may well be a waiting time of well over an hour. To accommodate the hundreds of waiting visitors, the college administration have thoughtfully installed a spacious two floor waiting area, complete with original, local and imported artwork.
Societies and Clubs
There are over a hundred 'socks' and 'clubs' in UCC. Most notable of all are the Whale Hunting Team, Womens Topless Beach Trampolening, Síos (a cunning and devious mysanthropists club) and the Incest Philatio Society.
