Cornell University

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“Open hearts, open minds, open bar, open legs.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Cornell

Cornell University


Motto	Where your best has never been good enough
Established	After all the other Ivys (OS)
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School type	Private
President	Bob Sacamano
Location	Ithaca, NY., U.S.
Campus	Urban, 1 bajillionacres/154 hectares
Enrollment	{{{enrolled}}}, {{{graduates}}}
Endowment	U.S. $pi billion^[1]
Faculty	(Tenured: )
Mascot	The guy from okenshields?

Cornell University is a university located somewhere between upstate New York and dirty hippie Ithaca, down from Syracuse and up from Elmira plus probably some other towns people may vaguely remember but not know where they are, even if they once lived there. In the words of wise Ezra Cornell, "Cornell is gangsta. And I'm the Juggernaught... BITCHHHHH!!!"

1 History
2 Mascot
3 Architecture
4 Motto
5 True Purpose
6 References

[edit] History

Cornell University was founded in 1866 by Ezra Cornell (who was half black, half white, seven thirds Eskimo, and six quarters asian). Known for its shitty social life, it is no accident that the founding coincided with the end of the American Civil War. Though Ezra was born and raised in New York and New Jersey, he traveled extensively throughout the American south in his youth, in pursuit of failed business ventures. Ezra was deeply impressed by the lifestyle of the Southern aristocracy, and was particularly attracted to their reliance upon slave labor. What Ezra found most appealing about slavery was not so much the existence of unpaid labor, but the opportunity it provided to kill another human being with minimal legal repercussion. Some historians consider this one of many facts granting support to the hypothesis that Ezra was completely psychotic; however, it may be explained by the Cornell family's status as largest producer of snuff pornography in the antebellum period. Testimony of Ezra's wife, Mary, further discredits the "psychotic" through steadfast insistence that her husband didn't beat her nearly as often as police reports indicated.

When civil war broke out in 1861, Ezra, though he was a northerner by birth, used a portion of his "snuff porn" family fortune to purchase a commission in the Confederate army. He was fairly successful in his post, and quickly rose to the rank of Colonel. Daring raids on northern mountain towns, in which he would maul opposition, root through the trash cans of townspeople, and hibernate all winter, earned his regiment the respectful pet nickname of the "Bears," which later became the mascot of Cornell's University. Unfortunately, the tides of war turned against the Confederacy, leading to ultimate surrender at the Courthouse in Appomattox, Virginia on April 9, 1865.

Refusing to lay down his arms and accept the Confederate surrender, Cornell marched with his regiment at lightning speed, barreling north through Maryland and right up the middle of Pennsylvania, until he found himself in his native upstate New York. The Union army, commanded by General George Henry Thomas, dispatched to halt his advance quickly surrounded Colonel Cornell in the God-forsaken village of Ithaca, a town known at the time for its axe-murderers and pride-less prostitutes. Ezra decided to make his last stand on Libe Slope, now located at the center of Cornell University's campus. Under siege, with food dwindling and almost all ammunition spent, Ezra knew he had to search desperately for some alternative to dishonorable surrender that would also allow him to avoid further bloodshed.

The night of April 20, 1865 Ezra locked himself in the study of Ithaca lawyer Edward Howard Ruloff, poring over law books; the next morning he emerged, bleary eyed and disheveled, when a Union runner came to him with a message from General Thomas demanding the unconditional surrender of his regiment. Ezra rebuffed this demand with an astonishing claim: his was not, in fact, a military camp, but rather a university set up under the terms of the Morrill Land Grant Act of 1862, which provided land to support agricultural and mechanical education, and training in military tactics! Thomas was apoplectic upon hearing of Cornell's gall from his runner, but was powerless to act since local legal authorities agreed with Ezra's interpretation of the law.

Seeking to discredit the claim, General Thomas toured the camp-turned-campus of what he mockingly called "Cornell University." Ezra showed remarkable fleetness of mind in dealing with challenges raised during this tour: When it was pointed out to him that the name "Cornell Plantation" was suspicious, he claimed this was the agricultural school. When confronted with the accusation that his "faculty" were wearing blood-stained confederate uniforms, he explained that the school's colors were red and grey. When Thomas observed that the "University" was supported with the labor of a large number of overworked, under-compensated, brow-beaten, non-WASPy types fed solely by the table scraps of the "faculty," Ezra calmly responded that these were grad students. Having failed in his challenge, the frustrated General Thomas stormed off and withdrew his army. Less than a week later on April 27, Governor Reuben E. Fenton of New York officially declared Cornell University to be a real university. Ezra had won; Cornell University was born.

Unfortunately for Ezra Cornell, as fate would have it, his deception ultimately worked against him and led to his death. Actual students came to study at his fake University, at first primarily at the agricultural school. Since the south was largely an agrarian society, Southern-soldiers-turned-professors had little trouble instructing these students, but Ezra had a harder go of it. In 1874, Ezra engaged in a tragically abortive attempt to put a seed into a hole in the ground. A few days later, he died of severe constipation. Some good did come of it, since he had inadvertently invented the suppository, but his family has always considered the popular turn of phrase coined by an onlooker immediately following that incident as enormously insulting to his memory.

[edit] Mascot

The current incarnation of the bear mascot of Cornell University is Paula Abdul. The hunt for Ms. Abdul began October 2005 and ended with her capture 5 days and 10 deaths later. Ms. Abdul will act as mascot until the end of her tenure October 2013, when she will be fed to the successor mascot, scheduled to be Sean Preston Spears Cruise. To fulfill her mascot duties, Ms. Abdul is routinely force fed a selection of various amphetamines, chicken tenders, and multi-vitamins prior to each home football game. Being that she is solitarily confined to a tiny room atop Barnes Hall for the remainder of the week, Ms. Abdul is fully aware that the pregame celebration is her only chance for any sort of physical activity. As is customary in school tradition, once the mascot is released onto the field, current and former university presidents and provosts proudly take the field in pursuit of Abdul, each provided with no more than a roll of thin twine and a golf club (tradition dictates three woods for provosts, pitching wedges for presidents). The first individual to hogtie Ms. Abdul and formally present her to the head referee at midfield is offered a silver dessert fork, with which he or she is invited to take a bite from Ms. Abdul's generous chicken tender-laden torso. Although this celebration was traditionally meant to celebrate the delicious reward coming from the grueling quest for knowledge, the meaning has been somewhat obscured over time as the focus has gradually shifted more and more toward the cannibalistic aspect of the event.

[edit] Architecture

Consistently ranked within the top 9 in the Ivy League, Cornell's architecture is famed throughout the world for its Theme Park on Acid motif. Cornell seeks to shock and awe central NY with such colorful buildings as the Johnson Museum of Art and Bradfield Hall. Its motley campus perched high above Ithaca, the newcomer in town cannot help but ask: "is the circus in town?"

[edit] Motto

Cornell University's motto is "Any person ... any study ...", a condensed quote of Ezra Cornell's who responded thus when asked who would be welcome to come to his university, and what they might be able to learn there. The ellipses were inserted to replace two phrases in 1934 following popular outrage: "except those God-damned papist micks," and "except how to spend most of the day swimming in whiskey and beating your homely red-haired pan-faced patty wife along with your tater-tot pot-licker snotlings."

[edit] True Purpose

According to a recent report released by the DEA, Cornell University is actually a large-scale cocaine distribution hub, tasked namely with filling in the gaps between Buffalo and New York City. While this theory was generally ignored upon its release, recent trends in the University's music scene seem to attest to the report. ^[2]

Almost -3.14159X10^3 percent of Cornell students end up marrying each other. So it has been proposed that Cornell is the place for winners, four eyes and asians that will never see female va jay jays to Tea bag it. Fortunately this theory is wrong and Cornellians have massive orgies hourly.