Cornwall
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“Who the hell goes to Cornwall? Seriously.”
Cornwall is an island off the coast of England. Your average Cornish person lives in a fogou and eats pasties. Due to their superior intelligence they are very lazy and complain about house prices all the time instead of working like the suckers on the English mainland. However, some people suggest that is the main hideout for the race of pixies known as the 'Cornish.' The Cornish are believed to have masterminded some of the world's major disasters, including the Cheese Famine of 1823 and the Abba Disaster of 1987, during which 'Dancing Queen' played continuously for a period of five days throughout all of The United States of America.
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[edit] History
The Original Cornish were a group of drunk Welsh travelers who got lost and ended up in a corner of the British Isles inhabited only by a duck named Marc. Their descendants we now know as the Cornish, who preferred to live underground and whose diminutive size made them excellent burglars.
They called their island "Kernow", which the stupid anglo-impearialistic government missinterpreted as "Cornwall" due to this the average american belive "cornwall" is not infact a country of whoose status of a country has been stripted by anglo- impearialists and labeled a county but in fact a "wall of corn".
In 2007 the Cornish National Liberation Army (CNLA) formed, in an attempt to rid Cornwall of celebrity chefs which had been invading the Duchy. At that time there were approximately 200000 celebrity chefs out of a total population of 500000 in peak season and 20 in the winter. This was very damaging to the local pasty industry.
Throughout the next few years, they waged a terrorist campaign to drive them out, burning the village of Rock in 2009 and invading Padstein in 2010, which later reverted back to the name of Padstow. Local legend has it that Rick Stein was turned into a fish by the CNLA's witchcraft division, but actually he left Padstow disguised as a fish. Jamie Oliver was killed in 2010 by means of a pasty bomb.
Some sources however attribute the growth of the CNLA to manipulation from the Devon tourist board, who wanted to deter tourists from going to Cornwall so they'd come to Devon instead.
The break-up of the United Kingdom in the 2010s further exacerbated the situation. Scotland voted for independence in 2014, which was followed by the Welsh War of 2014-18 during which the celebrity chefs who had fled from Cornwall fought a bloody war against the Welsh. This was eventually won by the Welsh, who became independent and annexed Shropshire and burnt Liverpool to the ground (there was much rejoicing across the British Isles). England however, after the prime minister David Cameron was deposed by the Conservative Party, became ruled by a totalitarian regime led by a cyborg containing the brain of Margaret Thatcher in an iron body 20 feet tall. Yorkshire declared independence in 2019, which resulted in the Second Wars of the Roses in the following decade, which Lancashire eventually won. The Lancastrians then went on to annex the Yorkshire Dales and killed all the human-sheep hybrids found there.
Wales assisted the CNLA by supplying it with weapons and explosives, which they used to blow up the Tamar Bridge in 2021 after which Cornwall became independent. The iron lady was far too busy in the North to care. During this period the Cornish government policy of putting second-home owners in Ginsters pasties was quite successful in greatly reducing their numbers.
However, two years later there was a diplomatic incident at which the Cornish ambassador to France made some undiplomatic comments to the French emperor Napoleon IV (originally President Nicolas Sarkozy).
On 14th July 2023 Cornwall invaded France, on 27th August 2023 Cornwall invaded England and finally rounded off the year by taking the rest of the British Isles.
On 1st January 2024 Cornwall officially announced the birth of the Cornish Empire under the rule of King Arthur II. This empire lasted until 2067 when a civil war broke out in Cornwall. Historians argue about the cause. The two most popular suggestions are 1. an orthography dispute between the supporters of New Revised Disunified Cornish and Kommunist Kornish, or 2. the style of crimping of pasties. Either way, it lost it's empire and became ruled by France, and renamed Cornouaille-Outremer.
However, the French did not see much money in pasties and banned them in Cornwall. This led to a rebellion in all of the Cornish people (about 5.3 billion), which resulted in the founding of New Cornwall in Alaska in 2078. The leader of New Cornwall, Clive, was elected by popular vote, 5 votes to 2. Many former Alaskans asked him why they did not move to Iceland, and Clive replied “Iceland? We don’t want to go bloody shopping?” He was later told that Iceland is also a country.
Many Cornish people preferred Alaska to Old Cornwall because the weather conditions had improved dramatically.
On the 2nd of April 2081 Clive ordered an invasion of the USA, which resulted in a 16-year war, ending on the 28th of July 2097. New Cornwall was completely unsuccessful in this war. They had only gained about 5 meters of ground into the USA, but also took the whole of Canada. The taking of Canada was, however, a complete accident, which occurred when a lost Cornishman stepped over the border and Canada instantly surrendered, considering themselves completely incapable of defeating the 'Cornish invader'. That Cornishman was later deliberately not given a medal.
After Canada had settled down with their new dictators, new Canadian Cornish pasty flavours were invented, including ‘Beaver and Tree Root’ and the famous ‘Pumpkin and Moose.’ The creation of these pasties led to the extinction of the Beaver and the Moose, and so the Canadian Cornishmen used grass (natural grass, not cannabis) as a substitute for both. These Grass Pasties were regarded as ‘Highly Patriotic’ in the way that anyone that ate one would stand in the street singing the national anthem of New Cornwall for 10 hours repeatedly. One other side affect was high levels of flatulence, which was the cause of a law that stated that none should be eaten near a naked flame. The Passing of this law was due to the great fire of Ottawa in 2104, caused by the annual pasty-fest.
After the ‘Patriotic Pasty’ had proved very popular in New Cornwall, the USA took an interest and imported thousands. They also proved very popular in America but due to the Patriot affect, the whole country suddenly became Cornish without any disagreement. This led to the official birth of the New-Cornish-Empire and many happy people.
The French, being Cornish Hating bastards, decided they did not like Cornwall as a leading world power and invaded Great Cornwall. The war that followed lasted over 26 minutes and caused over 243 000 000 deaths, 242 999 999 of these being French and 1 being Cornish. The one Cornish dead was an unlucky dog named Bert who was stabbed by a French soldier (later tortured and burnt at the stake). In memory of Bert, Clive decided to rename Friday to ‘Bertday’. This coincided with a lot of peoples Birthdays and made them angry, but no one to this day knows why.
New Cornwall continues to thrive with its main export being the ‘Patriotic Pasty’, now with BBQ Flame Grilled grass. There are now over 1300 square miles of grass farms in New-Cornish-Empire. Also, the Cornish currency, tin, is now worth over £12 000 per gram as the French decided to stop mining tin and remain ignorant of its global worth.
[edit] Language
The Cornish prefer to communicate via grunting, growling and such other feral techniques, despite several outside attempts at coercing the somewhat wild population into using a real language. St. Piran invented the Cornish language in 500AD in an attempt to teach them about tin mining and Christianity. The attempts at civilising the Cornish were only partially successful and the Cornish had reverted to their earlier language of grunts and growls by the 18th century when attempts were made to teach them English.
[edit] Phrases
The grunts are pronounced very quickly but if you concentrate hard and strain one of your ears, not the cauliflower one, the other one, then you may here the following phrases...
- Dreckly - meaning When i can be bothered as in 'Alreet My Lover, I'll give you a portion dreckly'
- Alreet My Cock - meaning Hello as in 'Alreet My Cock, I'll give you a portion dreckly'. Phrase used far too often between men.
- Alreet My Lover - meaning Hello as in 'Alreet My Lover, I'll give you a portion dreckly' Again, phrase used far too often between men.
- Alreet My Handsome - meaning Hello as in 'Alreet My Handsome, I'll give you a portion dreckly' And again, I kid you not, this phrase used almost exclusively between men.
- Emmit - meaning Ant/Tourist/Englishman as in 'I wish these fucking Emmits would piss off back home'
- Proper Job - meaning something that may be done in attempt to do it properly like the mainland, but sadly failing, and as ever, simply making a pasty.
- Where's that to - used between one man/woman or another in response to being given directions. For example "It's next to Devon" "OOOOOO - where's that to"
- Matter do 'eeee - Indicates the disinterest in the listener, i.e. they are bored and think what you're saying is trivial. E.g. "My cat was stolen by the Devonians today" "Matter do 'eeeee"
[edit] Culture
Despite the fabulous light around Cornwall, the creative efforts of the Kernowek appears to be entierly devoted to the art of Hand Crimping and Stuffing (See below).
[edit] Government
Cornwall is ruled over by the Duck of Cornwall and his horse, who is generally considered insane by the English monarchy as the place of Cornwall is not really there, just in his imagination. He was formerly also heir to the throne of nearby England, but rejected his position in a moving interview admitting he had forsaken "my kingdom for a horse". The main administrative centre is Polbathic which is also known for its ice rink, superdome and distinct lack of blue people.
[edit] Currency
The currency of cornwall is tin. Its weak value (20kg of tin to the pound sterling) means Cornish citizens all carry around wheelbarrows full of tin with which to make payments. Pasties are an alternative and somewhat more portable and edible medium of exchange, sadly though due to the lack of memorable intellegence in Cornwall most Cornish people end up eating their Pasties on the way to the bank thus ending up poor.
[edit] Constitutional Position
Although constitutionally a separate nation, neighbouring England is regarded by many as 'just a county' of the much more prosperous Cornwall. Recent pro-independence movements in England have met with little success, the Duck's reply to such proposals being a resolute "quack".
[edit] Mobile Telephony Coverage
Many parts of Cornwall are poorly served by the United Kingdom's existing mobile phone networks. If you are visiting Cornwall, be sure to constantly fucking moan, (or, if you are a grammarian, be sure constantly fucking to moan) about how you "can't get a signal" on your mobile. This will endear you no end to the locals, and you may even be afforded the honorific title "kunt" - which means "astute commentator" in the local Celtic language.
[edit] Name
Bizarrely, Cornwall was named after the huge wall of corn which dominates its border with Hell. Due to this, many confused Cornishmen could not figure out how to leave the country and so took to the sea in an attempt to escape the tyrannical King Arthur. Most Cornishmen, upon paddling out to sea on a piece of floating driftwood were surprised to find that they were repeatedly washed back upon the shore. However this didn't deter them and although King Arthur no longer rules with his iron fist (he uses a softer one made of cotton wool) and the wall of corn is long since gone (destroyed in the great corn fire of 1966), you will still to this day be able to see bedraggled Cornishmen attempting in vain to escape. Nowadays, these brave but foolish men are referred to as Cornwall Priests who must flee the country lest they suffer Project Truth.
[edit] Passports
Cornwall has not signed the Schengen agreement. Visitors will need passports, especially those from Engerland. This is due to the fact that nowhere, within its three levels of government, was Cornwall able to find anyone who could be trusted upon presentation of the Schengen agreement.
[edit] Cornish Weather
Cornish weather is one of the most common things in Cornwall. Just like incest. Common weathers include rain, strong winds, fog and general lack of sun. The wind has no direction, it just blows, making Cornish weather reports as short as bad sex. Just like incest. The shite pan of Cornish weather attracts many (sometimes as many as 5) disbelieving tourists each year as well as unrepentant sinners looking for a quick way out. Its bleak nature also attracts hundreds of livejournal users who feel that the murky, bland and unimaginative outlook tallies perfectly with the central theme in their blogs. Contributing significantly to national suicide rates, Cornish weather has been implicated as a main cause in the following natural disasters:
The fall of Rome
The death of JR
The creation of Birmingham
Non-alcoholic beer
Pig tails
[edit] Crimping And Stuffing
Cornish folk have mastered the skill of stuffing their famous export commodity the Cornish Pasty. During the Cornoberfest, much ceremony is made of the awards for the best Hand Stuffed and Crimped pasty.
Each crimp is actually referred to as a "crump". The current standard for a true Cornish Pasty is 12 crumps per inch although EU regulations may see an increase to allow for the conversion to the thing called metric standard.
[edit] Cornish Games
The most interesting time of the year to visit Cornwall is between the 6th and 14th of July each year during the Cornish Games held at Penzance, Cornwall. The signature event is the Running of the Cornish Game Hens when wild Cornish Game Hens run the cobble-stoned streets on the way to the venue of the Cornish Games for their ceremonial placing in the Cornish Games flame. Many brave individuals (often from far-flung places around the globe) race in front of the Cornish Game Hens vying for prize seats at the Opening Ceremonies where the winners get to sit next to the Lord Mayor of Penzance during the ceremony and at the Cornish Game Hen banquet thereafterwards.
[edit] Location
Cornwall is currently located to the south west of Britain. However in the event of the Torpoint Ferry chains breaking it could be found anywhere from Greece to Scotland.
[edit] Suburbs
[edit] Canonstown
Canonstown is a metropolis in Cornwall. Its population is 4 people. Alex, his mum, his dad and his sister(5 counting Alex's dog), though two of these are actually the same person as permitted by Cornish dating rules. Alex has a dog and 750 DVD's in his "DVD Room" which he says is "his room". Alex often speaks to his Icelandic bud "Mjazi" in the middle of the night and his mom has caught him several times. He mostly says that she doesn't care as long as it's not after 4 am. Alex has been under some sort of karma curse because on his first days on IMDb he said that he was 19. He later confessed that he was 14 but he has been cursed ever since. His file on DVD Afrocionado was erased and it had over 500 titles on it. Also his ratings on his Excel sheet were erased because of one small mistake.
A picture of Canonstown, Alex lives in one of those houses. The rest are just ruins of shopping malls from the 1600's.
[edit] St Austell
You also have St Austell. It is a a giant housing estate that produces the ugliest women in the UK. A pedigree St Austell pikey will be a member of the 'Allen' family. They have been inbreeding since 1504 and have very coarse features. They are generally petty thieves, police informers and other low level chavs, but unfortunatly due to incest becoming illeagal in st.Austell the allen family are now breeding with the second most abundant non- human life form, seagulls, resulting in the new breed chavos seagullious. but becuase of the chav mating habbits every seagull in cornwall now has the second name "Alen".
[edit] 'Druth
Otherwise known as Redruth. Due to a by-law passed in the long hot summer of 1976 by the Urban District Council it has, ever since, been illegal for women weighing less than 190lbs to reside in the town. The following year Big Nell was elected as mayor with a landslide majority. Other Cornish towns and villages were quick to follow suit and the "skinny maid" has become a rare sight outside of the newborns at the Princess Alexandra Maternity Ward at Treliske. The favorite hobbies of the 'Druthians are arson and a curious practise know as the Tolgus Tug, which involves masturbating in piles of cow manure whilst wearing rubber underwear. Redruth is widely admired for its wide range of exclusive shops and outlets such as Jim's, The Big Man's Shop and the Amity Tandoori, which are regularly patronised by the great and the good and attract shoppers from as far afield as Pool and North Country. And it is widley belived that ferari's F1 pitstop team are all 'druthans because traffic light stops in 'druth and F1 pit stops are the only two places in the world were you can have your wheels removes in under 2 seconds.
[edit] Skinner's Bottom
Skinner's Bottom was anciently the capital of Cornwall. In 1372 a coup d'etat took place, instigated by the Zelah Young Farmers Club and using mercenary arsonists from Redruth, whereby Cornwall's mighty seat of power was reduced to ashes. The seat of government was removed to Ventongimps. A further coup in 1954, which saw the Torpoint Women's Institute invade Ventongimps in a fleet of Morris Minors, resulted in Polbathic becoming the new capital; an honour which it has held to this day.
[edit] Flora & Fauna
Cornwall is the only known location where you can still see wild pasties. These cheerful creatures graze on the open tarmac and reside in pillarboxes, leaving only to be shot, skinned and eaten as a delicacy by concerned onlookers. It is traditional in Cornwall to eat pasties with cream and jam. The order in which the cream and jam should be spread has caused great friction and numerous wars with neighbouring Devon, all of which end up being fought on a rugby pitch. It has to be said that Cornwall has never lost a war. Cornwall is also the only area of Britain where the Chuff is found. This creature feasts on its victims' self doubt, hence the phrase "he'm be chuffed". Chuffs have a special place in Cornish folklore as it is believed that King Arthur was eaten by one.
