Coruscant

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“I think this planet may benefit from some sort of birth control policy - it really is a little bit too crowded for my taste.”

~ Captain Understatement on Coruscant

“A nice place to go for a shopping round, but the street map is a living nightmare to handle...”

~ The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on Coruscant

“What? I thought it was Mute City!”

~ Captain Falcon on Coruscant

“Fucking oi!!”

~ Isaac Asimov on Coruscant

“I wandered lonely as a cloud; in search of a small LGBT crowd; but when I no did find one 'ere; went I to Coruscant my dear”

~ Oscar Wilde on Coruscant

“Next, carefully blend the butter and flour together”

~ Fanny Craddock on Cooking

“I haven't seen this much metal since..doodoofligulgiguldufligugigulbudeeii..i molested those kids at that school”

~ Jack Black on Coruscant

“impossible!”

~ David Morgan Mar on coruscant

Coruscant
Capital City	The entire planet
Terrain	99.9999999% urban, 0.0000001% natural (specifically, the small chunk of natural rock protruding from a plaza, although it is rumoured that the rock was artificially constructed to draw tourists to the region)
Population	Estimated to be anywhere from 30 billion to 60 kajillion. The exact figure is the subject of numerous jihads of Star Wars fans
Population Density	population of China/square mile
Major Imports	spare oxygen, neon, skyscrapers
Major Exports	smog, dead hoboes, carbon dioxide, jedi

Coruscant is a slightly overpopulated planet in the Star Wars universe. Its entire surface is covered by an endless multilevelled cityscape with little parking. This intergalactic hub is thought to originally have formed as a single branch of the DMV.

Contents 1 Coruscant: Some information to help you live in it (*) 2 Crime 3 And Punishment 4 The War on Terror 5 The Future of the City-Planet 6 Culinary use 7 Culture and Nightlife

[edit] Coruscant: Some information to help you live in it (*)

(*)(Note - the following information was copied from the back of a box of Star Wars Special Edition Breakfast Cereal. It has been hastily embroidered with this footnote in order to avoid prosecution under the incomprehensibly tortuous Uncyclopedia Copywrong Laws.)

There is some speculation as to why George Lucas thought up the planet for his saga. Some think that it represents class divisions, between the rich high up in the rarefied luxury towers and the poor rotting deep within the forsaken substructure. Many oppose this idea on the grounds that it is too smart for a stupid sci-fi series and also causes some people to feel a profound sense of guilt for being unpoor.

Since the release of Episodes I and II, another theory has arisen: the gleaming towers and shimmering lights are meant to distract viewers from the boring C-SPAN plot and horrendous acting. This theory has now gained widespread acceptance since the release of Episode III, with its increased footage of Coruscant and corresponding increase in horrendous acting. The most probable theory is that George Lucas is an alien from Coruscant and wants us to be subtly hypnotised into joining the Galactic Federation. Boy, we aren't falling for that.

The real truth is that George didn't come up with the idea for Coruscant. He ripped off Trantor, from Isaac Asimov's foundation series, then gave it a different name (probably stolen from somewhere else) and claimed he created it. This allowed him have as many planets as he needed without having to do any actual creative work. This method would be repeated many, many, many times more.

With the entire planet covered by city, it seems very improbable that there is any plant life to actually support the oxygen needs of its inhabitants. When asked about this phenomenon, George Lucas simply said "It's one of the mysteries of the force... or some crap like that." or some crap like that. Some eco-terorists claim that recent studies have shown that the oxygen may be supplied by the amount of LSD eating geneticaly enhanced super-bactiria living on the surface of the dead leaves from potted plants on people's windowsills, but this has yet to be proven, since the stidies are so recent, they have yet to be conducted yet.

[edit] Crime

Crime remains a rampant problem on the city-planet through all eras. A recent government study released by the Emperor's Office for Public Welfare found that 1 out of every 12 humanoids living on Coruscant were the victims of a high misdemeanor or felony. Wookies were the most likely to suffer a violent crime, at 1 in 7, while Ewoks reached an unusually high 1 in 3 rate for rape; this is believed to be caused by the large population of Muslims and Tatooinic Crusaders which coreside in the Ewok Quarter. At present, an effort by the largely Shia Islamic Courts of Coruscant is underway to establish Sharia law and bring an end to the honor killing of Wookies and rape of Ewoks.

In the poorer Mexican and Redneck quarters, the Naboo Mafia holds considerable sway. Tributes are imposed on all citizens living there, most businesses are controlled by the Naboo Mafia and Ewok-child trafficking remains a steady source of revenue. A program is being considered by the Emperor to take back control of criminal activities from the Naboo Mafia.

In the Ivory and Ebony Tower districts, crime remains low thanks to sustained, judicious efforts by the local magistrates and Imperial assassins. due to the strong law enforcement of these districts, their populations dropped below 1000 in only 3 weeks after the emperor legalized murder and passed laws against not only rape, but any consentual sex aswell, to decrease the population. whenever someone died, the neighbors would grind their bodies and belongings into a fine greenish orange powder to the leaders of poor third-world plannets, as a bogus cure for aids, cancer, & stuff like that. The people gained an average of $0.0000000000032 per dead person, adding up to an estimated total of thirty seven bigilion dollars, most of which was spent on replacing old buildings with solid ivory skyscrapers(hence the name: ivory tower district), which increased importation of ewok baby slaves from the naboo mafia by 80000000%, causing the population of the district to double its original size in less than a month, and giving the Naboo mafia all the money they need to finish building their army of solid gold Death Stars and ensure that they can fend off any attempt by the emperor to take back control of criminal activities. 9 years later most of the now pre-teen ewok slaves were freed because people were now broke and now could no longer afford to feed them anymore, the ewoks all became members of a gang known as "the wok's" and sold cocaine, marijuana, and heroin to anyone who had any money left, but soon, disputes over teritorial boundaries led to a gang war between "the wok's" and the Naboo mafia. "the wok's", armed only with broken lightsabers, were no match for the Naboo mafia's death star army, and soon after the loss, broke up into several hundred smaller gangs that where ignored by the Naboo mafia, once the mafia realized that they had already taken all the money from the people living there. The only common street drug in the ivory and ebony tower districts remains the death stick, which, as its name suggests, doesn't lead to a high rate of addiction or much interest for that matter.

[edit] And Punishment

Having adopted the Texas standard for punishment -- that is, execution of any living creature for anything more than a misdemeanor -- crime has dropped a stunning .007%, while giving the law-abiding citizenry a fun, lively source of entertainment before the very popular Late Night TV gameshow "who wants to live to see their first birthday?" is aired.

[edit] The War on Terror

Following the attacks of September 11th, Emperor Palpatine and Hezbollah Chief Nasrallah Jar-Jar Binks were quick to denounce terrorism in all its forms, excluding:

1. Nuclear Crimes of Passion
2. Chemical warfare that cleans at least one toilet
3. Non-wanton destruction of innocent life
4. Misdemeanor possession of a Death Star
5. Katyusha Barrages
6. Lists
7. "You woke me up for this?" terrorist reprisals
8. annything and everything that benefits the planet in some way, including but not limited to reducing, or preventing further growth of, the population in overpopulated areas (pretty much the whole damn overpopulated thing) of the overpopulated planet.

The formal declaration included one landmark bit of bureaucratic wizardry, in the form of the "Non-comprehension Clause"

Section III - No humanoid, android, person or persons acting on the direction or suggestion or supervision of a government official or government officials may try, or attempt to try or make, or make attempt to try to comprehend or understand any or all, in whole or in part of the herein mentioned Universal Nearly Universal Condemnation of Terrorism, except as authorized by the Administrator or an agent appointed by, or inspected by, the Administrator.

Coruscant was quick to deploy its 501st Legion of Storm Troopers to Afghanistan, following their minor defeat at the hands of primitive, tribal Ewoks. Their first taste of action was at a small school outside Jalalabad, where a band of 4th graders lobbed trite insults and hurtful slurs at the Empire's best. Braving volley after volley, the 501st Legion eventually won the day and forced the children back to class.

On Coruscant itself, a small measure of rationing was already in place due to the ongoing strife between the Old Republic, Empire, New Republic and agrarian guerrillas. The War on Terror increased that rationing which has led to a degree of unrest. However, most of the populace enjoys being deprived of such necessities as television, SUVs and Razr mobile phones.

[edit] The Future of the City-Planet

While galactic instability remains constant and will likely increase as time progresses, Emperor Palpatine's loving hand will surely guide Coruscant to a more glorious future. Expert scientists have surmised that, in the future, the population will continue to grow, and the planet will become a large, sprawling, ruin filled with high crime rates and enormous amounts of smog. Other, more pessimistic experts have surmised that Coruscant will eventually resemble Los Angeles.

[edit] Culinary use

While many casual diners prefer Coruscant the way it is, there has been a growing sector of the dining populace who enjoy adding butter to it, or cream cheese and the occasional jelly or jam. Marmalade, however, is expressly forbidden by both Ms. Manners and the Jewish kosher laws. There is a growing contingency of Vegemite enthusiasts, but they are unlikely to redefine inter-galactic cuisine with such a despised condiment.

[edit] Culture and Nightlife

As the biggest city in the inner-core part of the galaxy there are many bars, hoboes, clubs, hoboes, stripclubs and hoboes in Coruscant City. Many people go to these clubs. However it has been declared illegal by the Saudi-Arabian City Council to wear any clothes at all after 22.00 and therefore many clubs have lost profit as the main part of the population aged under 80 have died from the extremely cold weather in Coruscants night. Many proffesors see this as an interesting phenomenan and have tried to figure out if the same technique could be applied to plannet Los Angeles,wich was somewhat unsucsesfull in their atempts to decrease its population by placing a high powered heatray on their third moon(planet losangeles's 3rd moon is eclipsed 98.342% of the time by atleast one of moons 7 through 12, whose surfaces reflect annything-rays to its 58th moon, which reflectd the heat-ray to itsself, destroying it the instant it was first activated.). Los Angeles being the non-declared exact replica of Coruscant. However the Bloods and Crips of Coruscant have said this is nonsense as NWA says in the song "straight outta Coruscant".

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