Cosmic Apple
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Cosmic Apple is part of the Tropical Grove product line released by Tropicana. It is a non-carbonated drink that uses both natural and artificial flavouring. It comes in a 341ml aluminium cans; and comes packaged in multiples of two up to twenty-four.
Nutrition Facts
Per 341ml/% of Daily Value
Calories 180
Fat 0g
Sodium 50mg 2%
Carbohydrate 44g 15%
Sugars 45g
Protein 0g
Vitamin C 100%
Calcium 2%
- Not a significant source of saturated fat, Trans fat, cholesterol, red kryptonite, fibre, vitamin A or Iron.
Ingredients: Water, Sugar, Glucose-Fructose, Concentrated Apple Juice, Malic Acid, Natural and Artificial flavours, Potassium-Benzoate, Colour, Sodium Citrate, Zyklon b. and Ascorbic Acid (Vitamin C).
[edit] LAWSUIT
In 1998, Gregor Samsa woke up from anxious dreams to discover he had turned into a human sized bug - a Scarabaeinato be exact. Obviously, this was unheard of and scientists flocked from all over the globe to Austria, where Mr. Samsa resided. When they question his family as to what could possibly account for Gregor’s magnificent metamorphosis, they told them he had recently developed a fondness for Tropicana’s product: Tropical Grove Cosmic Apple.
Now, scientists dismissed the notion that a soft drink could change a man into a dung beetle, but they ran numerous tests on Cosmic Apple and discovered a new chemical that was dubbed by the group of discovering scientists as the Kafka Kemical. In large amounts, the Kafka Kemical (tKK) could turn the metaphors of a man’s life into being. For example if you were a fat, lazy pig, and you consumed an ungodly amount of tKK, you would become a pig.
Unfortunately and grimly, Gregor Samsa died soon after his transformation, alone in his empty, damp room. The family quickly filed a lawsuit against Tropicana and it was settled out of court in 2002 for an undisclosed amount.
The ironic and possibly lethal chemical, tKK, was removed from all of Tropicana’s products and replaced with Potassium-Benzoate and Zyklon b., and their main R & D man, Fritz Harber, was let go. There are rumours that Harber still works in a freelance capacity for Tropicana.
- Other than Mr. Samsa’s, there were no other reported cases of ironic transformation caused by tKK and Tropicana.
[edit] POP CULTURE
The plight of the Samsa family was adapted into a non-fiction novel by Dave Thomas (Canadian celebrity and comedian, best known for his work on SCTV and Grace Under Fire) called Nightmares Don’t Stop When You Awake, Mr. Samsa, and was later made into an Academy Award winning film by Steven Soderbergh, called Tropicana, Dung Beetles, and Videotape. The film starred Julia Roberts, Albert Finney, Erin Brockovich-Ellis, and Philip Seymour Hoffman as Gregor/Scarabaeina.
