Couch
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“Fuck yo couch nigga!”
~ Oscar Wilde on couches
The common couch is a magical flotation device, as well as a cost-effective mode of transportation.
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[edit] Invention of the Couch
The Couch was invented in 1895 by a man by the name of Jay Wellingdon Couch. As a young boy Jay always wished he had more out of his chair. Yes, he found it comfy, and the pillows were placed correctly, but he couldn't lie down and sleep on it. And since Jay did not have a bed for he was poor he always had to sleep strapped to the wall. Henceforth, Jay invented the couch, which he first called the "Longer than a Chair, but not quite as big as a bed, but you can still sleep on it in a comfortable manner, yet you can sit up because it has a back" Later Jay was shot for coming up with such a stupid name, and in his memory, his closest friends named his invention the couch.
[edit] Carrying Capacity
One usually sits on a couch. As, that is what one does, as opposed to 42, which does not sit on the couch, as that would be far too many. The exception is Tom Cruise, who does not sit in the couch, but instead hyperactively jumps around on it, drooling obscenely and force-frying anyone unfortunate to be close.
[edit] Surfing couches
Some people are known to take a couch and jump off a big cliff, usually they run after the visionary couch lemming. This is called "the CouchSurfing mission". For this reason Couchsurfers are not known for their old age. Tom Cruise later started the terrorist splinter group called OpenCouchSurfing.
[edit] Who Does What on the Couch
The first couch was said to have been sat upon first by God. Other accounts of the same story, told both in the Bible and the Communist Manifesto, deny this. These alternative accounts claim that God was the second person on the first couch, which was firstly being used by Da Man when he knocked up the Virgin Mary, who later gave birth to Jesus, on the very same couch. The couch is now red because of the birth stains.
[edit] Side Effects of Prolonged Exposure to Couches
Over-couchness, by definition the state of having done been on the couch too damn long, causes a large array of health problems for practitioners of assal horizontology. These dreadful afflictions include becoming infected with religion, transforming into a couch potato, getting huffed to death, and/or developing Fetal Couch Syndrome. Sitting on a couch for too long can also have the strange effect of impressing upon thou who hast sat that he, she, or it, has seen God in their coffee cup. These strange visions are to be ignored at all costs, along with the memories of every previous time that you have ever sat on a couch, which has a tendency to flash before your eyes and then promptly punch you in the face every time you sit down. Again.
[edit] =How to break in a couch
- Have sex on the couch
- Jump on the couch repeatedly until you get attention
- Have more sex on couch, but make sure its good.
(This needs to be expanded.)
