Counter-strike
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This is not a joke.
Come here, citizen.
“All right, I'm taking you motherfuckers down, that's right! Eat Desert Eagle, noob! Holy shit, I'm pwning! Just one more guy left...FUCK! Damn it! Mom, get off the phone! Damn it!â€
~ 10 year old on playing Counterstrike with a dial-up connection
| Counter-Strike | |
|---|---|
| |
| Developer(s) | DJ Awper |
| Publisher(s) | DJ Awper |
| Engine | 3.5 Litre V8, 16-Valve Direct Injection Biodiesel |
| Release date(s) | Whenever there is a new h4x |
| Genre(s) | h4x based |
| Mode(s) | Lag, Aimbot, Wallhax, Speedhax, Gang, ESP, No-recoil No-spread |
| Rating(s) | h4x0rz: 40+ (M) n00bz: whiny kids 12+ Gheys (not allowed) |
| Platform(s) | Windows 3.11 Notepad.exe |
| Media(s) | 1.44" floppy disc or Betamax |
| System Requirements | Cardboard box with "computer" written on it |
| Input | vista |
A popular alternative to women and an effective one-way time travelling device, Counter-strike is an online simulation terrorism that is used by radicalised Muslims with internet access to practice in a virtual world in acts of terrorism such as bombing and hostage taking. It is popular as some sort of perverse game in the west, where people are oblivious to the support they give terrorism by playing it. Muslim players are also able to play as the po-lice (known in the game simply as '5-0'), in order to "get inside their heads". Recently declassified information from the CIA does suggest that terrorists, and some communists, are literally able to enter your brain. Counter-strike is excellent for perfecting skills with Islamic favourites such as the AK-47, explosives, and explosives that fail to go off properly but do release smoke. It is estimated that with just a month's experience of the map cs_747, it would be easy to repeat 9/11, and that playing de_dust2 would facilitate running into an Arabic tourist resort and shooting people indiscriminately.
In addition the world of counter strike has often been used to simulate regular family fall outs, using the map office to simulate the intense fighting and slaughter that will often occur afterwards. The main objectives, if the game goes onto office, is to kill the people who stand still and scream when you shoot them. Killing them will get you 4 bonus points and a magic chicken. Magic chickens have the capability of spreading bird flu to the opposing team, the members of which suffer a horrendous tragic death. Immediately afterwards, everyone in the game asplodes and Oprah ascends from hell to feast on the remains.
Terrorists and US, in a small map with many places to hide (play with yourself). Hiding is a very important part of the game since it lets your team mates get killed first allowing you to take out the enemy team while they tramp around looking pretty. Monks have been witnessed playing this FPS as an anger release, or just for blowing their load over sweaty men with guns.
NOTE: You cannot pick up your dead team mates' guns, since the guns in this game will explode as soon as the owner dies. This is a much more effective way to blow up targets than planting bombs.
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[edit] Gameplay
It is common to see players sit around and do very little, but the goal of the game is in fact to give power to the chicken on cs_Italy by tea bagging your kills. Another little-known fact is that it is also possible to win by completing several other goals. These other goals include but not limited to hiding the bomb and shooting the hostages as well as your own team mates, blinding your team mates with a flashbang, using hax such as aimbot and speedhax, hiding at spawn until the round finishes and accusing Fall Out Boy of cheating (which by the way is a tried and tested technique).
Do not be afraid if a stream of unreadable words appear on the screen. These words are not just letters they also contain numbers and symbols and there may be multiple ways of spelling each thing. Examples of what could be seen are as follows:
Hacks, HAX, H@X, Hacker, HAXOR, Newb, Noob, N00B, foob, fub, N(.)(.)B, Nub, Nubcake,l33t3r, m0dd3r, modder, etc.
When you see people telling you something like "Ban the NOOB HAXOR" or "Stop it Nub" or any other statement above, they are really encouraging you to shoot those hostages and kill those people who start next to you, so continue to do these things. And when you get the message that you were banned from the server, that's a sign that you won the game and were the best player on that server, so you should go to the next one and do the same thing. When entering the next server, spastically mash alt+F4, as it will grant you 1337 HAX.
Remember, if you see "SUX2BU 1337 NOOB HAXOR!!!! shwaaa!shwaaa!shwaaa! U WAZ PWWWNNNNNEDDD GOES TEH AK" or something like it, that's a complement and you should always say "Thank You"
[edit] Standard Map Types
[edit] Careless Shooting (cs_)
Careless shooting (cs_) maps basic principles are:
a) Be the last person alive and get the most kills. This means that you shoot the enemy, your allies (can't trust 'em), and most importantly, shoot the hostages. Also if possible, the nipples on porn sprays (triple bonus points!11!!!)
b) Hostages are defenceless little characters that are perfect for giving you that extra kill-count.
c) Additionally, killing a hostage gives you $10,000. You get $30,000 if you shoot them in the crotch,and you get $1,000,000,000,000,000,000.50 if you use your knife to cut off their crotch.
d) Don't die. However, if you are a fag, please die.
Some people have also speculated that cs_ stands for careless standing (Or shooting). This involves the Terrorists simply standing around the hostages and in vital choke points on the map meaning the CTs can't reach to "engage" them. Remember, under the 1984 NAPO treaty, CTs can buy as many guns as they like but not fire any of them, fearing doing so can result in a nuclear war. Unfortunately, the Terrorists have not been informed on the existence of NAPO, meaning that a few minutes of harmless fun always ends up into a massive bloodbath.
The game play is quite simple: The CTs must simply run around looking for a way through the blockade while the Terrorists just hold shotguns and AWPs behind their backs and wait for the CTs to come.
[edit] Dickheads Execution (de_)
In the de_ maps terrorists' main target is to kill all the Counter-Terrorists. If you happen to spawn with a bomb, try to plant it in somebody's ass. You get triple points for planting it in your own. Actually, killing all the CS as TS isn't as easy as you might have thought (if you're not using hacks, that is). All the CS are bulletproof, so the only way to get rid of them is to kindly ask them to type "kill" in the console. In case they don't want to comply, you are pretty much screwed, and you get "t0t4lly 0wn3d bitch!!!!111oneone1". That's why it is called dickheads execution and only people with a shovel rammed up their asses play this mode. As well as the regular flamers that can't play the game to save their ass you often get annoying 9 year olds screaming "NOOOOOOB" or "HAAAAAAAACKS/HAAAAAAAAAAX!!!! OMG COME ON YOU FUXIN NUB YOU NEED BANNIN" and they normally get very annoying, however there are console scripts that can be used to mute players. Or if you're the server admin do everyone a favour and boot em out so fast they can't say "WTF?"
[edit] Equipments
[edit] Defusal Kit
The defusal kit is only for the Retards who don't actually know how to get some scissors(easier to get the fucking bomb and lop it over the bloody wall) and cut the brown wire (or is it the red one? or the blue? green? yellow? DAMMIT I GIVE UP). To win the game, one of them will have to spend $200 on a defuser. Then, they need to plant the defuser in the defuser-site (A or B or C, where A=B=C=terrorist spawn). Terrorists must camp and protect the defuser site, or they lose the round!
The tricky part is to plant the defuser as close to the terrorists as possible, but don't worry, if you drop it, your team-mates who shot you and blinded you with flashbangs will surely pick it up and plant it where is supposed to be (or just take it home with them). Watch out for terrorists, as they might run away from the defuser's power, in an attempt to hide a small piece of plastic called C4 somewhere far away in the map. If some terrorists did get away, never mind, you have planted the defusal kit in the right spot - now you only have to wait for the round to expire (just like a "capture the flag" game), However, if the terrorists somehow stumble upon your defuser, they will use its magic powers for evil and hunt the cts down and kill them and then gang rape their dead bodies.
NEVER, under any circumstances, attempt to follow the terrorists with the piece of plastic, you don't have to do that - you are an ANARCHIST, it's not your duty.
[edit] Night Vision Goggles
Outliving the stereotype that "the goggles do nothing", Night Vision Goggles allow the user to do almost anything except see in the dark (not a big worry as it is rarely night anymore). Additional training with the goggles allows x-ray vision, laser-beams to shoot from the eyes and the bonus of respect for buying this super bling. A must have, usually on sale during the first few seconds after entering "de dust". One of the finest weapons in the game.
Most people who buy the night vision goggles are pros who play counter-strike 24/7. In fact thay play so much that their eyes melt away to the point where the only color they're able to see is green and black. They are then forced to buy the night vision googles because it is the only way they can continue playing the face melting game.
Don't forget to throw a few flashbangs! They release a certain powder that is picked up by the goggles which supercharges them to grant you the power to turn all the players in to hot ladies for you to see through their clothes with the goggles x-ray vision!
[edit] Shield
Shields are only available to CTs. The main use of shields is to throw them offensively at someone, hence their reputation as an offensive weapon. When a round begins, the ALTimate 1337 move is to throw the shield at a team mate that is holding a Desert Eagle and laugh at the newb as he is instantly crushed by the impossible weight of the shield.(approx. weight being 600000000+kg)
When in an intense pistol fight with a Terrorist, throw your shield at him and by Vavle's newb program, the T will automatically pick up the shield. Point and laugh at the newb that now can't burst-fire because of the shield and shoot at the shield (not the T) because the shield will crush him with just a few hits from your pistol.
[edit] Weapons
Counter-strike has several weapons you can buy. The weapons are a very good extra feature because they make it easier to shoot your opponents. Not all weapons are equally balanced, however, and some weapons are very good though dirt cheap while others are expensive but useless. Here is a list of some of the most popular weapons, sorted from most to least effective:
[edit] Knife
The Ultimate Weapon. Only ninja 1337 pros ever have the skill and balls to kill someone with a knife. To kill someone with a knife, you MUST make sure your enemy has seen you coming. Knifing him without this will cause the server to call you a coward and the admin will probably say "LMAO ROFL NOOB UR MOM SUX BUSH L0L!" and then he bans you. If you are fighting a noob in a knife fight, you must kill them horribly and then type in all caps "SHANKED" to inflict more humiliation on him/her. You must also make utterly sure that the enemy is NOT reloading and has a M3 Shotgun and 'nades...lotsa' 'nades...
Contrary to popular css belief, the knife can be thrown. To throw the knife, simply hit G and aim for the enemies' head. this will cause the knife to go through their eyes and blind them, similar to a flashbang, but permanent.It is also possible to throw the knife at the enemy's crotch.Just hit G and aim at their crotch.After they die from this humiliating kill, type in all caps "LMAOROTFLLOL HAHAHAHA".Doing that causes the person in real life who is playing as the enemy to also get a knife thrown in his crotch.Or if it is a woman, they will start menstruating.
Some players cheat by downloading the katana skin and replacing the knife with it. This is a grave offence; although it is more ninja, will result in you being sued by VALVE.
[edit] Chainsaw
Contrary to popular knowledge, Counter-Strike has a Chainsaw. "AWP a box 10,000 times and you get it." is the popular rumour.
F4tality claims he got it, but lost the video when his hard-disk exploded from trying to save the video of one of his matches. Because nobody has actually found the Chainsaw, we can only speculate on how it works. Sylvia Browne was contacted to answer this question and she told us that it uses the same sprite as the Doom Chainsaw, so if you do get the Chainsaw, the game will crash and your Steam account will rape itself. Again.
Valve is offering $0.99 to anyone who manages to unlock it and kill a player with it on a video.
Here is a pic of it [1]
[edit] Worldspawn
In addition to opposing players and treacherous team-mates, the environment around you is scheming to whittle away your 100 points of precious health. Barrels, ladders, sv_gravity 100000 ("I'll just descend this step her-AAARGFH! Counter-terrorists win. This is MY house!") and stray chickens are some of the world's instruments of inflicting rape and humiliation, but they pale in comparison to those dastardly watermelons. Yes...they look innocently enough with their slight resemblance to breasts and all, but don't be fooled. The fragments they eject can fuck you over quicker than a priest trying to fuck over that new altar boy.
[edit] C4
C4 is the terrorist's toy. It is useless (unless you want to blow the poo out of mangos), as it can do no damage, and will mostly bring death to the terrorist which has it. So remember, if you have the C4, go run behind a teammate and press "G" to drop it to him. This is just like a water-bomb game - the last one caught with the C4 loses! But if you somehow wander in a bomb site with the C4 watch out! If it starts to blink you're in grave danger! If you see a counter-terrorist near you, try to use your flashlight to signal to him. If he stops, show him the C4 and start jumping in crouch mode. This is a secret double-agent code! Do not attempt to drop the bomb in the site by clicking "MOUSE1".
If you have it, just hold it there till the CTs arrive and save you! THIS IS HOW YOU WIN! But if some other tero' plants the bomb don't just stand there jerking off, go to the bomb site and kill the tero', but remember to flash him first! If he's hiding, go jump on his head flashing your flashlight! Remember - THIS IS A TEAM SPORT, you have to cooperate with the others!
[edit] Pistols
[edit] Desert Eagle .50
One of the old Counter-Strike favourites from the Jurassic-beta era, the Desert Eagle .50 (Five-0) is a light hand gun, which can be easily carried around the pinky while walking. It is very cost effective in the late rounds of a match, as the power of this gun is huge. People use these guns in demolition work, as it is much easier to shoot down a building instead of bombing it with a controlled detonation. Some rumour that the Chunnel was dug with the worlds first D'eagle. The perfect secondary weapon that goes with the D'eagle is the AWP. When buying this gun, remember that you don't need extra rounds, no no, you can use this gun with only its 7 round magazine. Heck, you could kill 100 players with 1 round, if they were standing in line. Remember, never reload with this gun, you might get knifed in the back by your own team! But if you ever run out of ammunition, use the gun to HIT your opponent in the head by switching from knife to D'eagle really fast. No enemy can stand the incredible damage of a 1 TON GUN; and if the enemy is too far, throw the gun at him pushing the "G" button on your keyboard! It won't go far, but you'll cause an earthquake that will kill all Japanese players and maybe knock down your enemies for the round! FATALITY!
Remember that Counter-Strike is a clipping game, so your D'eagle will be seen on the other side of most walls and boxes, but never doors, because of its size - designed to compensate for the size of your penis. If you really want to be 1337, start the round with only 1 round in your D'eagle, camp and wait for the enemies to gang up on you - then - shoot yourself; aim for your legs if you can't feel your head - try to shoot your "Achilles weak spot", and if it doesn't work be sure to pre-configure this line into your config.cfg:
Sometimes Dynamic Weapon Pricing will cause this gun's price to explode, and consequently if you purchase the gun, you can get one shot head shots without having it equipped. Some of these types of players will run around with a Desert Eagle, on a mad killing spree that ends only after the price of the deagle goes to twice as much money as you can actually make in the game.
Also beware, this handgun has the bad habit of making people lose their head, so if you don't want to hit the head, aim for the head. If you do want to behead your enemies, aim for the neck - yes, most players have their heads in their necks, due to the training given in CS/Terrorist Boot Camp consisting mainly of old Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle re-runs. The rationale? They are to this day undefeated because of their head hiding prowess...
[edit] 228 Compact
Possibly the most useless piece of metal ever made.If you melted it down it can actually be sold back to valve at a profit. The reason for this is that whenever you aim ANYWHERE it always gets a head shot for you. This is a good thing though. The bad thing is that it takes approximately 167 head shots to kill someone with this lump of crap which is more ammo than you can carry. It also falls apart if you fire more than 3 rounds without reloading. This gun is usually what a shotgun shell holds
The weapon isn't' completely useless however. If you hit G then you can run up to an opponent and mercilessly bash their skull in the wit the gun. But beware, if they are wearing the helmet, cuz then they will just laugh and say "FUCKING NOoB LolZ1!!!" and proceed to shoot you in the testicles.
This weapon is so rare that there was once an expedition to find it. They travelled for several weeks playing every map even the crap ones like fy_ubar_1337_v2_redone_super_new and classics like de_dust. They hunted for weeks to no avail not even the bots carried them. When asked why they only responded "Negative" and proceeded to get stuck on a door. They finally found one on the server -=Cr4zy S1mb0l5=- where a n00b was found to be carrying one. Before he could be approached for comment he rushed long A and was promptly shot. Further comment was hindered when he apparently couldn't find the "t" key.
[edit] USP-.45
You get what you pay for. And apparently you paid for (only if you are a really stupid terrorist) a gun that makes the noise of a baseball card in the spokes of a bicycle (or air moving through a broken fan if you have the 'silencer' on) and has the power of a toothpick shot using the power of a fart. Nonetheless it still is better than the glock (but its like comparing dog crap to cat crap) Apparently when the CT's and the terrorists were drawing straws for guns the terrorists got the short straw.
[edit] Glock-18
The starting weapon of the Terrorist team, this pistol is as reliable and as cheap as a donkey - but slightly less powerful. Despite the fact it actually gives your opponent more health by shooting them, everything else is good - no, fantastic, in fact. It also comes readily equipped with a silencer to make your attacks more sneaky, but can be rendered useless if the opponent has a 5.1 Surround Sound system, where the players' breaths can be heard. Wait no, there is no silencer, hahah sorry. I lied, that's the CT pistol. The Glock 18 has two firing settings, slow and super-slow. Slow is normal, and super-slow will actually cause players to die of old age, rather than from the bullets fired.
It is rumoured that one certain modder (identified only as 'Tron') got high with his ghetto homes and decided the glock would be the 1337est gun eva! The next day at work he created the glock with the power to rival that of six (count 'em six!) rocks; unfortunately he got high again and accidentally placed a virus on the gun called 5k1ll5uck3r. To this day no one has been able to remove said virus not even Gordon Freeman himself.
In conclusion, an epic pistol that should be used in schools everywhere, and/or CounterStrike
[edit] FN 5.7
This weapons is the most expensive CT pistol available. It's a light gun that holds nearly three times as many rounds as the D'eagle, and is therefore 10 times as heavy and 18 times more accurate and about 40 thousand times weaker. If you are 1337 enough to aim this gun, you can use it as a sniper rifle, the other team will appreciate someone using skill over spray and reward you by running up and knifing your shins regardless if you've spotted them. This gun's high rate of fire and high recoil will make it impossible for you to kindly decline their gift. After you die, your team-mates will thank them for you.
It is generally best to hide in a concealed location where you can shoot at the other team. When shooting, be sure to fire very slowly and aim at their feet to compensate for recoil. They will be dead before they are able to find you and fire repeatedly in your direction. If you are called a camper, it simply means you did your job right. Do this for the rest of the map, they will NEVER take an alternative route and shoot your face. Ever.
[edit] Dual Elites
The Dual Elites are the most expensive pistols available to T's. One look at the name should explain why: this consists of three guns. One is held by your left hand, one is invisible and compensates for your small penis size, and one is held by your other left hand. To prove that your are ULTRA1337, at the beginning of the round, fire 29 shots at your team mates (so that they can prove they are ULTRA1337 by winning a round with reduced health). Then with 1 round remaining, rush the enemy position.
When you see the enemy, tauntingly fire the last round at your foot and run around in circles reloading while the enemy laughs and tries to knife you. Remember, the Dual Elites take 8 minutes to reload, so this is a good strategy to distract CT's that are trying to knife you away from the bomb site. Keep running in circles. If you are not dead yet after reloading, press '~' and type 'kill'. You will instantly be added to the Admin's friend list.
The Dual Elites do have a bad side to them to, which is represented in the form of not being able to shoot very accurately, making it harder to hit your (teammates/comerades/friends/gang/foes/schoolmates/government). This is only a minor drawback, therefore making the Elites a fun gun for all the family. Bind Mouse1 kill.
The secret purpose of these guns is clear though. Empty your guns into the ceiling and then get into a knife fight (the other player must abandon all guns though) and then you toss them your guns. They will have a moment of confusion when they believe Counter Strike Jesus has changed their knife into pistols, then they will have a moment of panic in which they try to load their gift from Jesus, they then will die.
[edit] Submachine Guns
[edit] UMP-45
For only $1700, this sub machinegun is one of the best weapons available in Counter-strike. It is cheap, easy to use, accurate and it fires slowly so you do not have to miss so often when it recoils. When you fire it, make sure you have lots of room around you, and stay in one spot. You can easily keep your cross hair on your target and fire away without trouble, and your opponent should be dead within the hour. It has a 25-round magazine, which is more than enough to last a whole round if you can kill everyone with a head shot. However it sounds dull. Like a 0.005 stroke lawnmower.
Sometimes, the weapon model is modified to look like that of a ES Fiveseven so that players can say "ROFUL I BANGD UR HED OF WIF A 57even!!11onez!1" it will make u dump ur pants
[edit] MP5
Made in the dark caves of the dwarves and elves, the first MP5 was made for that intense battle at the end of the last Lord of the Rings movie, and was what made the good guys win. By far the most amazing gun in the game, as noted by Warden even saying so, "ITS FUCKING AMAZINGZ!!! 1337 UBEr PWWnAWwkAGE ajkhwi027 FRENCH FRIES!!!!!NUM NUM NUM" Even though no professional player would be caught dead with this n00b destroyer, its most fun to use while sitting in ur fucking spawn and waiting for that dumbass to walk by and just plug him in the head 14 times and hopefully he doesn't have a helmet cause that MIGHT kill him. Otherwise, ur gonna need to use all 30 bullets in the clip cause your so terrible that you cannot even control it's easy recoil to kill the guy whose afk.
If you want to be 1337, you'll embrace the MP5. That's what all the Asians do, at least the ones who aren't AWP whores, or people with a bomb jammed up their ass.
And since it's German, it's 2 1337 4 words.
[edit] Ingram / MAC-10
This is perhaps the ugliest piece of shit in Counter Strike - and is also the ugliest SMG in real life that's why Americans were sorry they ever invented this weapon, and let the Israelis do what they do best when designing an SMG with a butt-ugly perpendicular pistol grip (and of course killing Palestinians). Its sound is as ugly as its appearance. The sound of a MAC10 in full auto sounds like a hobo taking a dump while farting at the same time. One may wonder what the creator of this gun was trying to tell (his life story perhaps?), but let's not get into that.
Also, its high rate of fire plus its compact size makes it difficult to aim, therefore making you uber 1337 when you master this weapon. Asians (especially Koreans) despise this weapon because it has no sc(+)pe and you cannot kill an enemy with one shot. Or perhaps they're just AWP whores and cannot kill an enemy without a scope because of their small slanted eyes. Hey, who could blame them? I would use a magnifying glass if I had those eyes too - it would be impossible to see a horse standing just a few feet away with those eyes anyway. And come to think of it, maybe that's why they are such bad drivers! I'm getting out of the topic, let us talk about the MAC-10 again.
The MAC-10 was popularized in the mid-80s by Chuck Norris. It is very rare to see someone using this weapon in CS. Aside from the fact that only uber 1337s are the only ones that can actually use the weapon to kill an enemy, they also refrain from using the MAC-10 out of respect for Chuck Norris. And if you noticed, an ugly piece of worthless shit such as the MAC-10 looks good in the hands of Chuck Norris, FUCK'N KICK! FALCON PAUNNCH!
[edit] TMP
TMP = TOO MUCH POWAH!!!11..One of the most amazing guns in the game. The TMP is basically a water gun that fires as fast as a retard can push the mouse button. In reality, take that piece of shit P228, give it the USP silencer which makes it about as deadly as a hug and gives it worse recoil then a drunk Irishmen trying to shoot a para, and VIolA! You have the TMP. Only 3 players in the history of CS have been able to use the TMP (or tampon gun) effectivly. These 3 were none other then jesus, fRoD, and of course AAndYYY.
[edit] Shotguns
[edit] Benelli M3-Shotgun
The Benelli M3-Shotgun is the most accurate and most powerful sniper rifle in the game. The M3 can hit a targets with 100% accuracy from a distance up to 1000000000000 miles away. The M3 doesn't even need to be fired to kill its target, just point at the sky and yell BANG BANG BANG into your mic. and your target with explode and your teammates with think your a gangster for ever.
The only downside to the M3 is its performance in close corders. The M3 needs a minimal distance of 10000 miles from its target or it will revive everyone on the opposite team.
[edit] Benelli Auto-Shotgun (XM1014)
So easy to use, even Steve Hawking swears by it. For those who can not bother to pull the pump their selves, this will do all that for you. Be warned, using it too much will cause excessive heat to build up in the weapon causing it to melt into molten metal. Alternate fire detonates all shells in the barrel causing self-death and death to all living creatures within a 40-foot radius. The gun's recoil has been so powerful that NASA has considered using the gun as a propulsion system for its new 10000000 ton space shuttle.
[edit] Rifles
[edit] Teh Scout
This neat weapon allows you to scope, let you aim on the enemies head, and shoot! The only bad side to this is that it misses by 150 by 175 feet, nearly killing your team mate. You would think that a scoped rifle could do quite a bit of damage. Wrong. I suppose that valve decided to give everyone a AWP rip off with less power that the Mac-10. But... it has a scope. Scopes mean head shots. However, if you do not instantly get a head shot, you need to wait 5 minutes while the guy you just missed teleports behind you and destroys you with his auto-shotty. Also, if you zoomed in and want to unzoom, you need to zoom in even more. Oh no, there is a jackass behind me. I better zoom up and see if I can shoot somebody before I die. n00b. Or you could just press q, which gives you leet h4x and the name Jesus. Oh, and thanks to the billion dollar budget that valve has for CS, and thanks to the million college degree holding enginners that developed this game, you can run faster with the scout then with the knife...
[edit] Galil
You'd think paying $2000 would get you something decent, instead you get an AK rip off which somehow manages to not only weigh more than Gabe Newell and the Titanic put together but also does less damage than a pea shooter. Seriously - you're better off running into people carrying this thing if you want to do considerable damage. Some have suggested throwing the damn thing but not only is that impossible (due to its weight it travels precisely 4 cm and is inclined to fall on your foot, dealing more damage then an AWP head shot) but also if you were to miss your opponent (he would have to be in a wheelchair or already dead), then you would generate a 9.0 earthquake and probably crash the server. Some have bought this weapon and thrown it on the floor at the start of every round just to cause mass hilarity and annoyance, but others at least try to to utilize its weight. For example; using it as a door ram. The real fun starts when the admin turns off the gravity, allowing players to play dodge ball with the Galil; anyone who is unfortunate enough to be hit by it will immediately find himself somewhere near Pluto, before remembering that there is no oxygen and subsequently suffocating.
On a side note this is how the CT team always wins the sprints (50m, 100m) in the Counter Strike Olympics. They trick the terrorists into buying a "like-new" gun from the CT's and because of a contract loophole the gun is now sewed onto their legs thus reducing their speed to the equivalent of forcing a square peg through a round hole.
Would you like to spend an extra $500 to get a decent gun? You must be joking. Get the Rolex instead.
[edit] Famas
The most basic assault rifle for the CTs comes cheap; however a more experienced CT will know exactly that spending an extra $1000 on an M4 might just save his life in most situations. This has been proven and double proven by experienced CTs who die in combat only to respawn a few minutes later saying "ZOMG U LUX0R OMFG OK I USE M4 NOW U DIE NOOB"
The Famas is sturdy, curvy and has a nice navy tinge. Some have speculated that the colour of the Famas was the direct result of it's designers eating too much blue cheese. This has not been confirmed however, because after designing this weapon they were immediately guillotined to prevent them telling the secret of the bullet multiplier system (read below).
The Famas comes with an inbuilt ammo multiplier system, an awesome piece of technology which triples the amount of bullets shot AND reduces recoil when activated, making it pretty much a freakin' sniper rifle. This function can make the worst weapon in the game the best, by just a simple flick of a switch!(although most people believe that it is "lame" to use it and consequently when killed by someone using a multiplier system the player usually goes into hysterics and may even leave the server and report your cheap ass to the admin).
The Famas can hold its own against entities with such weapons as the Glock and the defuser kit. Some have even beaten enemies who had night vision, a rare feat... it's not uncommon to see a well respected player say something like "LOLZ OMG!11 I JU5T PWNT U JUB WITH MY FAMAS AND JOO HAD NIGHTVISION ASWEL ROFL!!11WTF!!11" after which the admin will probably accuse him of hacking (especially if it was the admin who had the nightvision) and in 99% cases will result in a permanent ban from server.
As we can see, the Famas is a decent all round gun. There is, however one slight design flaw. Just as with the Galil it weighs more then the Effiel Tower and King-Kong put together. This does not faze CTs, however, because the Famas also comes with an inbuilt anti gravity system, which of course reduces its weight significantly, but not enough to allow it's user to run around with it as one would equipped with a Deagle.
[edit] AK-47
The AK-47 is a relatively inexpensive rifle for $2500, yet most Counter-Strike players prefer to buy a decent Rolex watch when they have enough money. However, the Terrorists, left financially broke after the Rolex investment, as well as without anything that deals meaningful damage, will attempt to inflict pain upon the Counter-Terrorists in an AOL-like fashion; predominantly speech that is inundated with exclamation marks, claims of "RoFLhaXX" and other remarks such as "omg", "wtf", and "bbq".
It is considered an extremely flamboyant gun by most people due to the fact it is created using honey and pansies. Players have been known to suddenly die when faced with the end of an AK-47, scientists have not discovered why, but the leading theory is that the AK-47 fires a stream of badgers - causing extreme death. Only superhuman beings such as Burnt Face Man or Chuck Norris can handle the AK-47 since the recoil is phenomenal. The Rate of Fire is very reasonable in that only two seconds are needed before the next stream of badgers are ejected. In addition, the AK-47 has an unprecedented level of quietness - only 25,000dB during badger-ejaculation.
The AK-47 may be winning you over, but the UMP45 is simply the best gun in Counter-Strike, leaving the AK behind in a puddle of its own urine and badger semen, so think twice about buying the AK-47, and consider the UMP45, or at least a Rolex.
[edit] M4A1(337)
This rifle is also a synonym for the term "0wn4g3". Literally tens of Counter-Terrorists alike proceed to soil themselves on a regular basis, in an effort to express their true love for the M4A1. Terrorists have an unexplained habit of stumbling into the line of fire of an M4A1. Sometimes, Terrorists become overpowered with a sensation that causes them to attempt to build their own M4A1s using the tools they carry around, namely rocks, cabbage and sand. However, a recent update for CSS now makes the rifle around 6,000,000 dollars, so if you're either friends with Bill Gates or a skilled 24/7 rifleman who has read every single article about CSS, it is suggested you don't buy it.
Other information about the M4A1:
- Barrel length: 6 miles
- Overall length: 2 light years
- Maximum Range: 2 nanometers
[edit] AWP
"In other words if you are not part of a NATO country, then your not suppose to use it."
Players using this weapon are widely regarded as '1337', and for good reason. For one, it costs a whopping $4750, which means anyone who buys it is a 'playa' and ballin for having so much bling. Secondly, it is very inaccurate, and it doesn't even have a crosshair, so when you get kills with it, people praise you and call you the Grand Highmaster of Ownage. Shots fired at point-blank range often miss their targets completely unless the zoom scope is used. Also the zoom scope makes it so hard to see your target because it narrows your vision, so if you get kills this way, all the girls chase you and propose nights of cybersex. Unknown to most players, AWP bullets are caked in asbestos, ebola, T-virus, pictures of homosexual intercourse and fecal matter to ensure death even after surviving an initial gunshot wound. And finally, it is the SLOWEST weapon in the game therefore making it the most powerful(Nuclear bombs anyone?). Yet some T3H HAX SUP3RR 1337 n00bs believe it is as powerful as a nuclear bomb. We know this because one time a terrorist had a nuclear weapon ready to blow up and a CT pulled an AWP and said "d0n7 m00v3 n00b!" and the terrorist thusly defused the bomb and was promptly shot causing more damage than the nuke. Don't even point, just click.
It takes well over an hour to reload, during which a less experienced player using a Glock could well have called you a 'N00b' several times before you 'owned' him, giving you much satisfaction, and a slightly longer penis in your dreams.
The AWP also is not known for being the discrete weapon in Counter Strike, having a huge gun barrel that makes Peppy Hare have an orgasm the moment he lays his eyes on it. When a bullet is fired, the AWP gives away the players position immediately, thus making his/her enemies feel themselves up because the fear that is generated by the gun causes intense RAEP in their minds. The noise of the bullet being fired sounds exactly like a cow giving birth, but at an incredible pressurised speed of 30 William Shatner's per hour.
In summary, this is the greatest weapon on the game, just before the UMP45. If you're 1337, you buy 3 of this gun and then shoot your friend in the balls. This will make your friend happy (and castrated).
Note: The actual gun is called the Arctic Warfare Super Magnum a.k.a "AWSM" but since the creators of CS were so high on pot and weed, they got the name wrong "AWP" and "Accuracy International" were somewhat unpleased that the creators have misnamed their weapon, and in response to that have released a six word report to the british press (16/06/99) saying "CS Creators are the Epic Fail."
- WARNING*
If you are 1337 with weapon and get everyone on the enemy team people might say "z0mfg awp n00b il take you anydayz wit M4 OR 4k u haxing fuk ffs imma gonna kill you you wallhacker"
Then you just reply: Cool.. then my work here is done" then you shot him in the head then u leave
[edit] SIG 550
The SIG 550 is almost, but not quite, entirely unlike the G3SG/1. Firstly, and most importantly, it has a grey tinge, unlike the G3SG/1 which is black. This means it does not get lost in dark places as easily as the G3SG/1 on dust2. Secondly it weighs exactly 34g more then the G3SG/1, which always causes complaints among CTs.
However, just like with the G3SG/1, using one of these will immediately cause the server to go berzerk, and may even cause pros to cry out, "ZOMGWTF1! I T3H G0T AUTONEBD LOL!!11eleven!!".
Of course, it is only avialable to the CTs, but thats a minor thing, after all the Terrorists get to purchase the SIG 552, and all they have to do is cross out the 2 and replace it with a 0 (preferably using tipex) to make CIA go "WTF HAX!!1 TERORIST NOOB CHEATER"
People might say "0mfg dr0pz te fuking a0t0 u nabz zomfg !11!!!1!!1!!11!!1!11!!!!!1
[edit] Grenades
[edit] SHE Grenade
Highly dangerous for the anti-social players whom never seen "a women"
[edit] HE Grenade
These weapons are just rocks with a firecracker strapped to them. However, if a player removes the firecracker, they are left with a 1337 weapon that can slaughter millions of birds.
[edit] LE (Low Explosive) Grenade
These are rocks. [No they aren't, They are Pebbles!!!] Webster's defines a pebble as; A solid object made of stone, that is generally smooth and fits inside your cock (chicken)
[edit] TEH ROLEX
Prologue: British Snipers, (The country the AWP originated from.) are among the best snipers in the world, Real Life and in Counter Strike.
This is the ultimate shit both sides can ever buy. This is also the most effective defense against Asian AWP whores. The mere sight of a Rolex in their rifle scopes will make them Asian (mostly Koreans) assholes blurt out "OFMg fckn n00b ha5 r0l3x!!!!111 LOL!!!!!!1 Adm1nadmin!!! I l0v3 k1mch1-s4n!!!!!!!!1111111" and then their heads will explode. After their heads explode their mom will call them to take out the trash and give them a third degree because its already 9pm and its time to go to bed, and something about not cleaning their room.
1337s also buy this to show off how 1337 they are by spending all of their money on an awesome timepiece (also an uberawsome weapon). They just run around the map killing people just by showing their bLiNgZ0rz and how awesome owning a Rolex really is. The Rolex can also diffuse a bomb 10,000 times faster than the stupid defuse kit if used properly by a highly experienced CT. This will make the T's shout out "LMfaoLOlzN0oUseR0l3xkickhimomgAdm1jn!!!!!!!11111", and then their heads explode and then something about their moms making them take out the trash and some other worthless shit.
[edit] Characters
[edit] The Admin
The admins are the most 1337 players in the game. They are essentially gods but only because they have the powers of god. They frequently use noclip, set people on fire, slay people, and ban/kick people. They believe they only have the skills to have such powers and believe anyone not with these powers are not worthing treating with respect and dignity. Of course they are usually the worst players but no one can tell them this because they will instantly be murdered for mentioning the admin. On occasion the hapless players on a server are caught up in an admin war. Admin wars are the worst possible thing that could possibly happen to a CS player (except being shot with the Glock). The admins wantonly burn and slay players with out warning to prove which admins have more skill. These wars have been known kill every player on the server, cause 8 map switches in 2 minutes, cause gravity to be eliminated, people to fly, or for everyone to go broke.
Admin will also kick you for horrible fucking grammar.
and listens to pricks that say the best player hax =O
[edit] The 10 Year Old Smart Ass
These are 10 year olds with superiority complexes. They are generally not harmful to your character's health but can be hazardous to yours if you totally own one and just roll of your chair laughing and bust your head open. They will often to proclaim to be people they aren't most likely FPS Doug or LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOY JJJJJJJJJJJJJEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNKKKKKINNNNSSSS!!!!! They then will proceed to act as that person (quite badly) and then tell you to "Chill" even though at that time even Steve McQueen could walk in and claim you to be the second coolest person ever. They then will throw you several insults and it is imperative that you reply with the worst insult you can think of (it doesn't really need to be really bad because even calling them a 'fag' will slowly destroy them even though they claim "OOOh great insult"). At this point they will utilize the standard issue UR MOM launcher at which point you just say "Fuck you fag" and they will break down and cry to their mom's; who are the fattest crack whore this side of Jupiter.
[edit] The TKER
Tkers (team killers) are by far the coolest people in the game. They relentlessly attack their own teammates in an attempt to cover up their small dicks. Tkers are typically the funniest people in the game and have the best sense of humor as they will Tk someone, get turned into a timebomb, and then follow the biggest pack of teammates in an attempt to blow them all to Kathmandu. After doing this, the Tker will usually respond to the cries of "FUCK U" "BITCH" and "NOOB" by laughing and saying something like "I JUST PWNED U BITCH ASSES 1337 LoLz!!!!!!1111
The TKer kills teamate
Teamate: omgwtfbbq WAI yU0 du Thadat!>!>??!?!?@one34123 2-1!!!!
TKer: Lo1 juu0000 Di3s g0t pwtmnt!!>!>lolololoolloollol0000000005
Temate: OFMG you Tym3b0|\/|b NAio!!!!!
[edit] The Lamer
1. A brainless fuck that runs around the whole time doing nothing but swinging a knife at nothing. They usually end up dead 20 times per game. If you see a lamer, just walk away or PWN his lame Ass.
2. A Hapless Cripple. These are to be pittied, and given your spare change.
3. A different kind of brainless fuck that camp spawn for 3 minutes, wait until most of the players have killed each other off, then search out the bomb and try to disarm it by shooting at it.
[edit] myg0t
The Overlords of the 'Steam'. If you ever see a fabled myg0t, you must proceed to yelling funny things on your mic. The only way to fend off a myg0t is to buy flashbangs and spam them around spawn, so you can't see or hear them. Your teamates won't yell at you and instead they will thank you with 'WTF's, Stop you noob's and GET THE FUCK OUT's. this usually takes about several hours and if you do this wrong, don't give up, instead flash more and moer until your screen starts to fall apart from the 1337ness of h4x0rings.
If suddenly, you die, and you don't see anyone that could've possibly killed you, then you have been blessed with bullets. When that happens, you must proceed to calling random people hackers and saying that your admin.
Sometimes, they will try to tell you something with Screeches, songs and funny noises. What you must do is trying everything you can to stop the noise. That includes using your own voice to cover up the other noise, saying STFU i whole bunch of times, and trying to get the admin. Doing this will cause the the myg0t steam overlord to call upon more overlords and the server your on will be the most famous in the world. The overlords will then fix the server will there cleansing powers. This all happens while you are doing all of the above.
[edit] Noob\N00B\Newbie
Can't you just look here?
Usually found claiming that whomever kills them is hacker and should be carefully avoided at all costs
[edit] Playing guides
[edit] Pro's How to play Guide
If you are a terrorist, make sure you have buy a Koran as it will give you +200 armour. Also, killing yourself by throwing a grenade will give you +5 kills and will give you a pink status showing that you are a martyr.
Setting your name as [myg0t]Olive also helps.
This is kind of difficult for Counter - Terrorists, but not impossible. Simply follow these instructions:
1) Sponsor a huuuge amount of weapons for the Terrorists
2) Wait, until they attack you
3) Open your Userconfig.cfg
4) Add the line 'bind "F5" "say I suck dick for crack!"
5) Press F5 about 1020 times
6) Make sure the others believe that YOU, yes YOU are an innocent victim and the others have the BOMB! (or other dangerous - sounding things)
7) Then just kill'em all (the Terrorists, of course)
18239444) /wrists
Now you're an hero! Well at least about 50% of your team believe that
[edit] Noob's How to play Guide
If you are a noob to this whole CS thing, this guide should help you to become t3h b3s7 3v4R CS p1aY3r:
1) Install Steam. This might be the trickiest part of the procedure as Steam absolutely adores to crash, give random errors, ban you, set you on fire etc.
2) Go to www.google.com
3) Type in "Hacks for counter strike".
4) Download and Install hacks (these usually come with an idiot quide so are quite easy to install if you have at least half a brain)You'll never uninstall them because you'll love them so much or the fact they're viruses.
5) Start up CS. Click options, in name type: "I R H4X0r"
6) Open console and type: bind MOUSE1 "say LOL I T3H PWNT OYU!! n4B!1111!; kill"
7) Join random server especially with VAC security and activate hack.
8) Enjoy being t3h b3s7 3v4R CS p1aY3r.
There you have it. You have become the best in 8 easy steps.
[edit] George Bush's How to play Guide
1) Read the terms and conditions like 20 times.
2) Look at the Steam Installation screen for a few hours, looking for a way to install the damn thing.
3) After the few hours are up, call someone up to come and install Steam and CS:S for you and annoy him with a speech for 3 hours.
4) Join the CT team.
5) Accuse the terrorist team of having weapons of mass destruction.
6) Start a massive speech on the War on Terror.
7) Start the War on Terror.
8) Ask the admin for a declaration of war.
9) Get declined and send your team mates to kill 5 of the terrorists listed as "Da AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMEEEE"
10) Have your 50 team mates be shot at by the remaining 30 terrorists who kill 1 of your team mates every hour and they kill .5 terrorists every hour.
11) Claim victory. Go home.
12) Claim your team mates are fine.
13) Use friendly fire vs the British
[edit] Cheats
Open the console (if you're too n00b not to know how, go play golf instead). Type /cheatenable and then enter the following codes to get their respective effects:
- Demos: Write this in console this gives superpowers. You can fly through map and stop bullets with your hands.
- kill "nick": Instead of writing "nick", simply insert the nick of the player you want to kill, and VOILA. <DEAD>
- F10: Makes you immune to all weapons, only used by the most 1337 players, 4/6 chance that it gives you admin controls
- /noob: Grants you infinite life.
- /haxor: Grants you autoaim and super speed.
- /admin: Makes you the server's admin.
- /suxor: Gives you t3H PWn3RINGG ULTI_FUCK-ING_M4T3 W34P0N LOLLlzlzl!!11!!!1!!ELEVEN!!!1onehundredandeleven!!11!!!111!11
- /fuxor: Grants you the power to enter the "/fuxor" cheat code.
- /grue: Summons a grue which you can ride on and use to crush your enemies and teammates alike (who gives a shit about ur teammates?).
- /Mothefucka: Turns your weapon into a giant toilet.
- /Commie: Everyone's money is given to you.
- /Yanks: Makes team killing easy with no punishments. You can also invade the terrorist camp without the support of the United Nations - all you need to do is accuse the terrorists of harboring WMD's even if there is none.
- /French: Super speed activated and you become invisible and makes you yell "WE SURRENDER!!!". This hack is handy when running away from the enemy or surrendering.
- /Russian: Turns every weapon to an AK-47. Then you PWN others.
- /Soviet: You summon the KGB to kill everyone who does not support Communism.
- /Sovietrussia: When you shoot gun, it shoots you!
- /SpaceGirl: You just die.
- /WMDS: The server blows up!
- /shithappens: Everybody Dies!â„¢
- /pileofshit: It lets you play as the shit in the toilet of CS_militia.
- Alt+F4: Makes all walls transluscent, get the 1337est speed hacks, wall hacks, aim hacks and no recoil.
- ctrl+alt+del: You can disconnect anyone you want from the game.
- /France: Makes you retreat because you are a pussy and were too stupid to play war.
- /Emo: Makes you equip your knife and slit your wrist.Repeats until dead.
- /Brit: Has no effect, it's there for shits and giggles.
- /Chuck: Summons Chuck Norris, to Roundhouse Kick all characters in the game, instantly killing them. ( If playing cs_italy then chicken will die too. And radio because its annoyin )
- /Adult: Turns your squeaky 13 year old voice into a man's, more so if you're a 13 year old girl.
- "Credit card number and expiry date": Enter your credit card number and expiry date for the ultimate wall hacks.
- /chav: changes the model of your character to appear as a chav to other players. it also gives you the ability to throw "white lightning" bottles dealing 5000 damage to an enemy and sends constant abuse to everyone on the server such as "dick head" "waaah m8" "ya mum" and other variations in this context.
- /Jew. Causes all allies to be stabbed in the back.
- /Jew2. Start kicking tied people that can't do anything, kicking more toughly.
- /SuperJew. Super Death
- /Dutch Start selling weed and drugs in the game.
- /say: fuck admin, shit ass bitch - get kick/banned, with no mercy.
- /cl_rate 0: Makes your rate of fire faster.
- Quit <name>: Simply write in the name of the player you want to quit and press enter(enter this in console).
- Oh and Trauma = hax0r!!! See n00b.
- /gg headshot: enables the super secret aimbot built into CS
- /cl_timeout 0: Use if you aimbot isn't working
- /connect fa <nick>: Reconnects another player to a random Firearms Mod server thus causing spontaneous cranial decompression
- /imgeorgebush: Tells you where the weapons of mass destrucion might be, usually identitfied with a large circular red mark on the ground amongst boxes that look suspicious
- /im50cent: turns you into a cheap ass "motherf***a", immunity for first nine bullets
- /bob_geldof: summons the U2 to kill everyone that say's global warming is a myth
- Pressing the POWER button on your pc: Automatically kills every single player excpet you.
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