Country music
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“Whenever I listen to country music, I can literally feel my synapses burning out. Like when I huff one too many kittens.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Country Music
“I like everything... except country.”
~ Everyone on musical tastes
“'Cause I'm lynchin'... lynchin' in the summer timeeeeeeeeeeee.”
~ Toby Keith, "Lynchin' in the Summer Time"
“A way for white guys to feel like the musical equals of blacks, but it doesn't work, seeing as it's only steel guitars and guys whining about being drunk”
~ An eloquent black man on why country music gets consantly pwned by the blues
“I like my chicken the way I like my women!!!!”
~ Ass on sex
“I think I prefer 'City Eastern'”
~ Cotton Eye Joe on Country Western
“What better than sing 'bout gettin' drunk down yonder in Margaritaville. Yeehaw.”
~ Every Country Star on Country Music
“I don't think country really counts as music. It's not how I planned it. Music was about expression. Country is more like...a fart. It makes a noise, but...doesn't really serve a purpose. And everyone else wishes it had just been the silent type.”
~ God on Country
“The worse thing to get in my burning hellhole is an ulcer, but country music burns up my stomach. I get my payback in the end since where do you think all those drunk rednecks go after death?”
~ Satan on Country Musicians and music
Kuntree moozeek is an obsolete form of song in which the singer produces high pitched yodels of various proportions, interjecting with colloquialisms at random intervals; the typical instruments consist of acoustic guitars and dying cows. A "song" in this form must consist of a single subject, no matter how mundane, and is typically accompanied by the wails of the cow and up to three chords on the guitar. Country music singers often compete to see who can creatively focus on the more insignificant topic, working the subject into the chorus, and having the song consist entirely of the chorus.
Typical subjects include:
- I was cooking eggs and bacon this morning
- I washed my horse in the afternoon
- The sun always sets
- "Shitting" on the grass
- My wife cheated on me with my dog
- The sun always rises
- My boots smell horrible
- I'm drunk in prison, but I still love the Good Lord and the Good Old U.S. of A.
- I married my sister last week
- It's okay to marry your own cousin
- I smell sweaty and musky because I haven't bathed
- Cowgirls like to get black eyes
- My illegitimate children still know who I am
- Ode to yodelling
- Spousal abuse, mortgage payments, and child support
- NASCAR
- Living on welfare
- Chewing is better than smoking (and vice versa)
- Loss of ones truck, typically a Chevy
- I shot a squirrel and my beer
- Throw the Jews down the well
- My boots hurt real bad
- Beating a Spouse
- Lynching or otherwise abusing black people
- Invading Canada
- Country Music
- Things that aren't real
- Nothing
- When you eat your spaghetti and the sauce falls all over your shirt then you have to take it off and wash it and get a new one and try to swallow the cold spaghetti
In between verses, one may interject the word "Whiskey" in to the song at any point.
Lyrics to latest country song:
My woman left me...
I went camping...
I drank some beer.....
Passed out....
Woke up this morning...
Everything is alright....
Contents |
[edit] Origins
Country music was elvolved from Rap, Trance, Techno, Disco, Blues and Jazz. Dante describes the 6th level of hell as a non-stop bluegrass band playing with Loretta Lynn for endless amounts of time.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
Roy Acuff, Bill Anderson and others tried to reform country and make it great, but they barely exist in the archives, and there is like two videos on youtube of them, so no one can appreciate real country.
Country music is forever ruined by today's bastards who can't sing (or talk for the matter). That dang ol' music down yonder has messed up the dang ol' heads of children all over the country, man. That's why y'all have such low test scores.
[edit] Cultural Influence
Country music has had a lasting impact on various forms of music, notably rap, which uses a similar structure. Several rock groups, notably Nickleback, use country music extensively, but are not classified as country in order to have more air-time on various music stations. Thier songs, like Country songs, also include talking about how their girlfriend left them and how shitface drunk they got and forgot about how it happened. Then it starts all over again. Just like the singer Jimmy Buffet.
Country has several unique sub-genres, such as Country Western, and Pop-Country.
Areas such as Colorado Springs tend to attract women who enjoy chasing after men who enjoy dressing up in cowboy Halloween costumes for the entire year. They are known as "Cowsplayers," and may have delusions of impressing others with spurs, tight jeans, ass-less chaps, and ridiculous looking hats. Girls naturally fall for this illusion, revelling in a fantasy lifestyle consisting of being beaten daily by someone who suffers from alcoholism, and of being their own mother's sister.
It is important to note that Country music is nothing like Rap music. Country music song themes are often about taking pride in being uneducated, poverty, the certain cars/trucks they like, ethnocentrism, chauvinism, ---wait...wait...nevermind...
Pop-Country is usually considered to be more up-beat and of a wider variety of subjects - here, the so called atists have progressed to using the electric guitar and talking about acutal love problems. Some, such as Rascal Flatts, rarely make use of the 'twang & thang' - the famed steel guitar.
Then there is rap-country, a horrid mix of the deep-voiced black man chanting bad lyrics (Ex. "I Play Chicken With The Train") to bad country-ish accompaniment. The lone example of rap-country is Cowboy Troy, an egotistical beast who was smart enough to get a record deal, one that we are all sure won't last.
Cowboys are ranchers who move cattle across long trails spanning several states. It should be noted that those who choose to dress up in Cowboy outfits are not actual Cowboys. Do not trust any person who insists that they are, in fact, a cowboy by wearing a goofy hat and listening to Country music; they suffer from severe mental delusions and must be escorted to the nearest psychiatric ward immediately. Actual Country artists that are also actual cowboys include: George Strait, Alan Jackson and Chris LeDoux. Sorry, but Johnny Cash wasn't even a cowboy. He did import giraffes from Antartica every third Monday of every sixteenth month however
[edit] Health Risks
Clinical research performed by Oregon State University and United States' Congressional Research Office found that listening to Country music poses serious health risks. The studies were conducted by polling young persons raised in homes where Country music was played and with test subjects exposed to Country music for a period of two years. Research concluded that listening to Country music causes depression, promotes violence towards one's family members, lethargy, addiction to Meister Brau, Jack Daniels, and Jeff Foxworthy. Other trends discovered were the inability to locate a condom, premature pregnancy, premature birth, and obesity.
People who listen to country music also tend to eat unhealthy food. Many eat squirrel brains, Chuwawas (I don't know how to spell it), babies, big macs, and barbeQ chicken. They also like to grill and drink from the cow. Country listeners are fatasses and they also have problems like constipation and anal bleeding. Many die of heart disease or rectal cancer.
Additionally, Heartland Institute research (which had just had a Number One country hit with "I Loved Her First", although they refuse to admit it) found that a person's intelligence quotient was reduced in proportion to the number of minutes spent listening. Some test subjects actually had a negative I.Q. Not surprising was the number of participants that pronounce nuclear as "nucular".[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
In a recent medical, 89% of normal people who listen to country shot themselves as a part of a paranormal "WHAT THE FUCK AM I LISTENING TO" thought process induced by listenin to the afore mentioned music
[edit] Praise of country music
Other sources have proven that country music, despite its often "hillbilly" image, is still beneficial, and that the Heartland Institute's study was pure bollocks, concocted by morons who just wanted to trash the genre.[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much] Other studies have proven that many people actually (horrors!) like country music, they just don't want to admit it.
Alabama is a group that has sold millions of records worldwide. Unfortunately, they have only one good song, "Dixieland Delight", and they put that one song in with other shit so that the listener is forced to buy and listen to all the other junk just for that one song. Their fame has faded after it was discovered that none of the members were from Alabama. They were actually from a civilization at the center of the earth, and they came to have some fun. All the members got lynched by angry "cowboys."
Jimmy Buffett has been featured on Time Magazine, but reports of hundreds of thousands of rednecks getting drunk in his margaritaville has scandalized him. Indeed, Dubya first got addicted to alcohol in Margaritaville. Jimmy Buffet also is the owner of Old Country Buffet. Unfortunately, Mr. Buffett is too drunk to enjoy his assets and spends the money on booze and dirty ugly prostitutes.
George Strait (who?) is a little known country musician who has the distinction of being the one who has the most number one hits. Ones who have heard George applaud him for the ability to be understood by nonrednecks. His lyrics are also not all about incest or booze.
[edit] Country poop pop
Some misguided country acts have attempted to create a new genre called country pop. This mixes the stale, inane lyrics and over-the-top production of pop music with other elements of country. As for what those elements are, we don't know. Examples include Rascal Flatts, Carrie Underwood, 'N Sync, Luke Skywalker, Jimbo Wales, and Larry the Cable Guy. So far, no actual element of country has been found in this so-called "country pop", but nitwit country music deejays continue to play "country pop" 419,000 times a day. As a result, Carrie Underwood has occupied no fewer than 43 of the 60 spaces on the Billboard country charts since her debut in 2005 (the other 17 being occupied by Rascal Flatts).
Carrie, of course, was an alumnae (alumni? aluminum? anal bum cover?) of the great boot camp talent show known as American Idol. Since then, she has started an insurgence of American Idol acts who think they are country, including Josh Gracin (who has since given up on country and now works at McDonald's), Kellie Pickler, Bucky Covington (who the hell names a kid "Bucky" anyway?), Kelly Clarkson, Dolly Parton, Bob Seger, 'N Sync, Larry the Cable Guy, and Bowser.
