Courtney Love
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
|
“I have only one reason to sleep with Courtney Love, and it's that she looks like a man. The reasons for not to do it are even more than the times I already fucked one...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Courtney Love
“Before sleeping with her again I prefer to kill myself”
~ Kurt Cobain on Courtney Love
“Poor Courtney!”
~ Me on Courtney Love
“I want to suck her boobs!”
~ A random black guy on Courtney Love
Modelled on the feudal relationship between a knight and a lady of the house, Courtney Love (born Kurtney Drug Induced Fat Slag Friend of Hepititas-C induced Pamela Anderson ,Shag Buddy of Steve Coogan, Rogers, Hole, LSD, Heroin, Every Dealer's Favourite Shag, Not Got a Heart and doesn't Understand the Concept of Love, Love) represented perfect love in Medieval times. Primary sources are the works of Chaucer, Chrétien de Troyes and much of early Anglo-Normon literature, as well as some early Soundgarden and Toe Jam.
Courtney Love is a well-known and famous singer, liar, weasel, firefighter, whore, murderer, suicide note forger, and wanna-be Yoko Ono. Actually, scratch that, because this bitch puts Ono to shame. Shhaaaame.
Love is famous not because of any musical talent she claims to possess , but instead because of her slutty and controversial behavior and stake in Nirvana's fortune. After being accused of being an overboard, self-assured mosquito, Courtney started her own band, called Hole. As in "hole in her alibi".
Contents |
[edit] History- All is Full of Love
Born sometime in the forties when men still made women wear corsets, Love latched on to various musicians in attempts to drain the life force out of them. She was driven out of several major cities by angry mobs complete with pitchforks and torches. Love never gives up, though. Haven't you heard that from shitty boy-band pop songs? After having a few limbs pulled off she decided that the best way to survive was to bullshit her way into a real relationship with a rich dude, instead of literally biting and sucking onto street performers with banjos like she had been doing. She studied the subtle art of making everyone with half a brain hate you, as mastered by Yoko Ono. Courtney studied Yoko's tactics of pretending to have a career before meeting your rock star husband, still pretending that you could survive without him after you meet him, and having your picture put in the dictionary under "Courtney Love".
Love stole a Rolling Stone magazine and tore each of its pages out before placing them on a dartboard and throwing darts at them. Her first dart landed nearest to an article about Kurt Cobain, singer/guitarist/frontman/brain of Nirvana. Love disliked him out of jealousy of his beautiful hair, but decided that he must be rich and stupid to be written about in Rolling Stone. Courtney Love stole tickets to one of Nirvana's concerts and hid under the bleachers while they played. After the show Love snuck backstage and shot Cobain with a tranquilizer dart. (Many have pointed out the dramatic irony of this event.) While he was asleep Courtney dragged him to a back alley and removed one of his kidneys and a small portion of his brain, and put in a computer chip programmed to fill him with love for Love.
[edit] With Nirvana- Hate Love
Courtney Love and Nirvana went together like Head-On commercials and easily annoyed people. Many times Cobain was unable to remove Courtney, who had taken to sucking on his back so she could be dragged everywhere and get attention, from his skin and was forced to bring her into the studio, much to the other members' annoyance. In the studio, Courtney would wander around and randomly push buttons and turn knobs, saying things like "what's this do?" and walking in on the group playing more than once. The chip in Kurt's brain prevented him from objecting, but this really pissed off the others (like anyone knows their names, or cares). Courtney would retaliate that they were unimportant to Nirvana's overall progression and threaten to hit them with things like plumbing pipes and guitars. When bored, Courtney would start fights between Kurt and the other bandmembers in hopes that they would turn violent. They sometimes did, but Kurt, weighing 115 lbs., was usually placed in the dumpster in the back of the studio. By Courtney.
Courtney was once accused of causing "problems" and "tension" within Nirvana. She denied this, so it was never brought up again.
One day Courtney was playing Dunk Tank with a tied-up Cobain at home when the freezing water shorted out the chip in his brain. Cobain soon realized that, frankly, his wife was a total bitch, and he couldn't stand her. He wanted to file for divorce but first he had to have skin grafts from all the times Courtney decided she was a remora.
[edit] The Extremely Controversial Year of 1994
A lot of stuff reportedly happened in 1994, about 20% of which actually did. After Kurt's skin healed, he did indeed decide to divorce Courtney (finally!!!), which made her panic, as she sure as hell didn't know how to survive on her own. As Kurt went to drug rehab, Courtney tried to bribe various people and animals into killing him, but to no avail. What happened next is an unsolvable mystery, which is still being researched by crack teams such as the Scooby-Doo gang. All we, the petty little general public, know is that Kurt was later found dead(?), shot by a gun which apparently had no fingerprints on it. Courtney denied shooting Kurt however, so the case was never brought up again.
It is almost common knowlege that Courtney committed 1st degree murder and got away with it. She killed Kurt, and afterwards she drowned a puppy with a burlap sack.
[edit] Courtney Today- Make Love, Not War
Courtney is now working with The Gaither Family to record a new Christian album "Live Through This" - featuring the Neil Young cover "The Needle and the Damage Done" and her new single "Throwing out the Bean" in
- [1] the lovechild of Courney Love and Kurt Cobain, view this if you dare
[edit] See also
Categories: Sexually transmitted disease | Oscar Wildeizms | Musicians Who Suck So Monumentally That It Really, Truly Amazes Me That The Earth And Any Surrounding Planets And Quite Possibly A Good Bit Of The Afterlife Have Not Yet Been Swallowed Entirely | Musicians | People who will probably be dead tomorrow | Women Even Desperate Men Wouldn't Fuck
