Courtnology

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“Uh, no.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Courtnology

The author of this article doesn't care at all if you edit it, and heck your stuff is probably funnier than mine.

Our Lord And Savior

Courtnology is the worship, reverence, and buying of drinks for Courtney Love, the Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty Goddess, Everlasting Mother, Princess of Peace, Drunk-Ass Ho. While recent studies have proven it to actually be the one true faith, it is met with resistance and/or gales of derisive laughter from followers of most other religions. In spite of this rift, Love gets along great with the other deities (who, as a rule, think exactly the opposite of their followers) and is a regular at Dionysus's parties.

1 Origins
2 WTF?
3 No, Seriously, WTF?
4 Dogma
5 Possible Followers
6 See Also

[edit] Origins

In 2004, Love went through extensive surgery and is now a 22-year old manga chick with small vestigial wings. Some dude pretending to be Japanese started writing a comic series about her that probably would have been more or less ignored if it were not for the back cover of the first book, which contained the following two overly dramatic sentences:

A Diva Torn From Chaos

A Savior Doomed To Love

The entire world ground to a halt for a few moments as everyone paused to gasp a collective "What the fuck?"

[edit] WTF?

"That's right, bitches, I'm your savior!" said Courtney to humanity in general. "All this time you thought I was just your normal average everyday kickass punk rock goddess/psychopathic murderer/angel of the lost and rejected/crack whore/attention whore/plain old whore, I was the fucking MESSIAH!"

The press concluded that God had finally snapped and immediately flocked to his small home in Des Moines, where he held a press conference. I found a transcript between the lettuce and tomatoes in my Whopper a few weeks ago and here it is for all you enquiring minds.

(doorbell plays "You Light Up My Life")

God: Yeah, what is it?

The Press: Let's cut to the chase, God. Courtney Love: loco, muy loco, or muy muy loco?

God: Oh, her. What did she do this time? Are she and that nice Dave Grohl boy finally getting married again?

The Press: She's saying she's the messiah.

God: …oh my me, are you just now figuring that out? Yeah, she's my kid. Me damnit, I thought this was going to be something important.

The Press: But what about Jesus?

God: He was more of a messiah drill. I was testing you to see if you could handle divinity, and you royally screwed up. So I thought I'd wait a couple thousand years before springing the real thing on you. So far you're not doing that much better than before.

The Press: So you're saying Courtney Love is half god?

God: Oh, no, she's a full-blooded deity. What can I say, Isis and me had one too many drinks one Saturday night… me, that was amazing sex.

The Press: …she's a goddess? You mean, with complete control over the universe and everything?

God: And you never noticed?

The Press: What would have made us think that?

God: Oh, I dunno, how about the fact that nine hundred and twenty-six new species of butterflies spontaneously appeared in Congress last week?

The Press: Are you serious?

God: Yeah.

The Press: Really?

God: Really.

The Press: Really really?

God: Really really.

The Press: Really really really?

God: Can you hurry this up? I've got a paint-by-number I want to finish.

The Press: (stand and stare in silence as they realize how completely and utterly screwed humanity is)

The pope, upon hearing this news, released the following press statement:

"Look, if God wants to say that Courtney Love is the messiah, that's fine, but we're sticking with Jesus. He's much more marketable. I mean, what kind of audience are we gonna get with her as the figurehead? 'Come on over to the Catholic church! We always spike the communion wine!' …no, my man, it doesn't matter if she created Dr. Pepper; we just don't like her very much and that's final."

Love dismissed these comments as "retarded". The pope subsequently got three rather nasty canker sores. Theologians also reckon he has herpes now.

[edit] No, Seriously, WTF?

Taken from the back, drat the luck

Although Love was already worshipped by a select few in California (state motto: "If it moves, start a cult about it"), Courtnology's mainstream breakthrough came with the release of the holy book America's Goddess a few days after her husband and main dawg Krishna finally died of natural causes at the age of infinity. To this day, there is speculation that Krishna actually performed the miracles described in it. Love says that this is "almost as retarded as the pope."

Devout Rastafarian Kurt Cobain was skeptical at first, but after reading the book, he committed to Courtnology and is now a very high-ranking general. When news of this became widespread, millions of teenagers around the world who would impale themselves on the Space Needle if Cobain said it was fun simultaneously converted with an audible "whoosh".

The enormous and popular "Jesus Loves You Thiiiiis Much" statue overlooking Rio de Janeiro was quickly replaced with a sculpture of Love flashing. Coincidentally, there was a huge spike in tourism in Rio de Janeiro that year.

The store at courtneylove.com is selling a t-shirt of her crucifixion. I'm serious. You can't make this shit up.

[edit] Dogma

A Courtnologist nun.

Courtnology teaches that The Middle Way is really, really boring and the surest path to enlightenment is a life of extremely excessive sex, drugs, rock and roll, and sex. Other fundamental principles of Courtnology include:

There are evil spirits in your head called "dignity" that can be removed by meditiation, prayer, and flashing people
Axl Rose is in fact Satan
Dressing is more fun in the dark
Same deal with lipstick
At least once in your life, you should make a pilgrimage to the Los Angeles Courthouse
The pope is retarded