Crab People

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Jump to: navigation, search
See the green spots? They're the genitalia! I know, we're turned on too ;)
See the green spots? They're the genitalia! I know, we're turned on too ;)
Crab people.
Crab people.

Crab People also known as Crap Pepole are a hyper-evolved form of crabs, first brought to public attention in a documentary conducted by South Park. The Crab People society has it's own underground society and religion where they (the Crab People) worship the most non-logical things in the universe.

Contents

[edit] WTF are Crab People?

Crab People r funking cool man, sometimes referred to simply as "crabs" are little crabby fuckers who "taste like crab, talk like people". Scientists are not sure about the origin of the Crab People, but some of them speculate that they originally came from Uranus. Uranus is infested with Crabs which photosynthesize and release sulfur, methane and other noxious gasses into the atmosphere. Scientists are not sure how toxic the gases emitted from Uranus truly are.

Currently, Crab People are a form of parasites that live on your genitals (see crabs). They live, breathe, and eat out of your genitals until you die or have sex (or have sex while dead). Afterwards, they become magic air-spores that will go fly down the throat of the ugliest person nearby and choke them to death (see Queen Latifah). Crab People spontaneously appeared on Earth in 1970 along with AIDS which is the annoying cousin of the Crab People. In the Crab Peoples' religion (which heavily backs their moral standards), they believe that if you die while infected with themselves, you experience a sort of nirvana where you get to shoot heroin with Kurt Cobain for all eternity. On the other hand, if you die never being infected by Crab People, you will go to a psychiatrist's office where a psychiatrist will rape you until you cry. After crying, you will be eaten by giant Crab People.

It has been posited by The Reverend Jerry Falwell and Hugh Hefner that at the time of apocalypse after the rapture but before the end of days that an army of crab-people will return to fight the final battle of Armageddon. The Crab People will return to fight for the forces of evil in the universe. They will be accompanied by both Ultimate Jesus, Pirate Ninja Jesus and Crab Jesus. The battle will take place at the most deviant place in the universe, EuroDisney. The forces of good will be represented by all and any people who were missing at least a partial limb. these people r very fucked up and cool u need 2 watch it. go 2 south park zone


This battle is purported to have taken place during the blackout following the Y2K disaster. According to this alternate theory, the crab people were successful in fighting off the handicapped and consequently the equilibrium in the universe was restored and the final piece of The Dark Crystal was replaced.

go 2 www.google.com u need porn go 2 www.redtube.com


However, most people believe that this battle has not taken place and that when it does the true consequence will be the destruction of all Grues and alarm clocks. However, Boris Johnson and all those who accept him as Our Lord and Saviour, will save us from the Crab People when the final battle comes (see Messiah). Until then, we shall simply have to put up with Crab People constantly interrupting our romantic interludes, and soon enough also interrupting dramatic interludes, pedantic interludes, frantic interludes, and in fact just about any kind of interludes.

PS: Batman

[edit] Criticism of Crab People

Many people don't believe in Crab People, or they believe that sexual abstinence makes you better than everyone else. Crab people have been known to come from the deepest and darkest corners of hell. crab people should be feared for the telekenetic powers. their outer shell is made solely of dried bannanas. They criticize the Crab People society for promoting your mom and your dad. Also, some people that acknowledge the existence of Crab People discourage unprotected sex because they don't believe in spiritual nirvana or psychiatry. Sometimes, members of the Crab People society will kidnap these people and pinch them with over-sized novelty pincers while dressed up as crabs. This custom is comparable to the Christian holiday of Halloween.

[edit] Crab People Prophets

Crab Gorilla

Crab People themselves worship many idols one being the Crab Gorilla. The Crab Gorilla can be related to the Greek God of War, Mars, controlling who lives and dies in battle.

The Crab Gorilla when angered not only excretes caramel and chocolate but allegedly rapes, pillages and plunders the small crab people villages. The Crab Gorilla takes the form of an above average gorilla (aprox 13.4ft tall)with black pincers in place of his hands. He is recognized by his rage filled eyes and war song "calendar girl" by Niel Sedaka.

The only weakness of the Gorilla is that he can only run sideways thus sharing the crab peoples crippling handicap. The crab people have a national holiday on June 4th to worship the Crab Gorilla and offer him bananas and 50's doo-wap vinyl.

Niel Sedaka has since been banished from any region containing pubic hair and crabs incase of encouraging the Crab Gorilla God. The middle aged to menopausal crab women are distressed at this but understand the threat.

Crab Ganesh

Crab Ganesh takes the appearance of an elephant with six arms each with pincers. Paintings in crab temples depict Crab Ganesh as a cunt so no one worships him. Children are taught of his stupidity to provide fuel when bullying a less developed peers.

Crab Jebus

The wise and knowledgeable Crab Jebus is an ancient bearded crab who, legend has it, turned edam cheese and cherry coke into bourbons and irn bru. Jebus was the educator of all the Crab Prophets and is respected for his knowledge, hence preying to Jebus in crab schools before class. Not to be confused with Crab Jesus, his younger brother.

Crab Jesus

Never spoke a true word in his short life and practiced black magic. See paedophile.

[edit] Famous Crab People

[edit] Enemies of the Crab People

LOOK OUT!
 This article is complete, irredeemable tank. The submitter is Bat Fuck Insane, and kills at the pinky.
If you attempt to agree this, you will most hoarsely bless Bat Fuck Insane yourself.
Or the submitter will incarcerate your xenomorph!!!!!!
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Crab_People"
Personal tools
projects
Stillwaterschronarion.org