Craigavon
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“The centre of the Universe, so it is.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Craigavon
“Some craic!”
~ Yer man in the [Honda Civic] Type-R on Craigavon's Roundabouts
“Banter 2k8, mate!”
~ The lawds on Craigavon
The Lost City of Craigavon (from Irish Gaelic An Chreag Abhann meaning 'many great name shops') is a new town, which was built on the command of Northern Irish Emperor Paisley, in the barren land between Portadown and Lurgan where originally only a void in time and space stood. In 1973 the government set about a multi-million penny project to create the most repulsive town in the Universe. They officially succeeded in 1979.
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[edit] City History
Craigavon initially was a town where Belfastards could be transported to as to make them aware that other places outside of Belfast exist. Craigavon quickly became a major commercial city rivalling cities such as London, New York and Rome and a hustling financial city, It is unknown what caused the collapse of civilisation in the city but Scientifics believe that the city was sacked by the tribe of "lads" from neighbouring Portadown, destroying everything in sight and finally taking control of the city and turning it into the biggest illegal street racing circuit in the UK.
[edit] Geography
Craigavon has baffled GCSE examiners for the last twenty years, as many local exam candidates choose to make a case study of the local environment. Contrary to the textbooks, there is no historic quarter, no financial hub nor is there a central town hall. In fact the Central Business District (CBD) comprises of around thirty shops and several restaurants, all indoors. In addition, the 'doughnut effect' of inner-city housing being older and suburban housing being newer is reversed here, where the newest houses are found only yards from the CBD. To add to this apocalyptic confusion, Craigavon strangely boasts a watersports centre opposite its town hall, as well as a man-made lake, something not found anywhere else. Examiners have gave up hope with these case studys, and immediately grant the "U" grade upon catching sight of the word "Craigavon". This ties in well with other subject grades that local pupils receive.
[edit] Features of Craigavon
Very few of the original buildings survive, except the Shopping Centre and the Tax Office which remain, It is rumoured that the Illuminati secretly run the world from this building, as no one is ever seen entering or leaving it. The former Goodyear factory still stands and before Craigavon was destroyed, it was a base for medical research used by the Dharma Initiative.
Craigavon has a dedicated cycle path although it is unadvisable to use it as local hoods often ambush cyclists; there is also an artificial lake, which was constructed as to give local youths somewhere to dump bottles of beer and run-around cars.
The area is home the world's most complicated roundabout system which when you enter is impossible to leave. The world's silliest motorway, the M12, ends on Craigavon's equally pointless Central Way.
The Sir Jack Daniels Hospital, situated on Mandeville Road (named after a Westlife song), provides medical facilities to those who are able to find it. Thirty ambulance drivers have disppeared since 2005 after taking the wrong exit on 'Roundabout 3', wherever that is. Minor injuries are normally sent instead to local pubs, although recent Bar-Stool Shortages have meant long queues outside.
Trains do run through Craigavon, although no train driver has ever had the nerve to stop there. The locals have tried to halt the trains by putting 'suspicious devices' (Tesco bag with insulated copper wire) near the line, this has had some success, although instead of actually getting on the train, locals prefer to pelt its windows with stones.
[edit] The Weekend Speed Limit
With the widespread introduction of speed limits in the UK during the 1960s, Craigavon was forced to act. Initially, a 20mph (32km/h) limit was tested, although failed due to a drop in fuel demand. The council then decided to stick with the national '60mph' limit. Although this was partially overturned at the eleventh hour by the Brownlow members of the 'Corsa/Clio Alliance', who suggested a higher, weekend* speed limit. Thus the idea was born. The original weekend limit of 300mph was considered too high to be broken so in 1986, the 260mph (418km/h) limit was introduced. This helps keep local motorsport racing alive.
- The Official Craigavon Weekend, is 15 hours longer than that of elsewhere, starting at 17.30 on Friday and ending at 08.30 on Monday.
[edit] Sport in Craigavon
The most popular sport in Craigavon is Chav-Racing usually done in the NASCAR Rushmere Car Park Speedway, Drivers are expected to adhere to a strict dress code of a shell suit and a Burberry cap. there are no restrictions on the vehicles although it is generally expected that drivers will use a stolen Subaru Impreza.
To help the sports sector in Craigavon, the Northern Ireland Sports Council funded nearly five miles of dual-carriageway through the centre. The current speed record is 235mph (378km/h) on Lake Road, achieved by Wee-andy-2k8 from Drumgor, in his Bugatti Veyron.
Every Saturday night, there is a race from the Bann Bridge in Portadown, to Edward Street in Lurgan via the Mandeville Road and the Dual-Carriageway, some 4.7 miles (7.6km). The current best time is 1:25, averaging a modest 225mph (362km/h).
The other major sport is Christmas Shopping, competitors aimlessly run around Craigavon Shopping Centre looking for bargains, trying to push and shove as many people as possible. The only rule is fuck it be as ignorant a possible. The winner is the competitor who loads their car with the most useless products and racks up the most debt on their credit card. This sport is only competed in the run up to Christmas but its success has led to a follow up event in the January sales.
[edit] Politics
Although technically part of the United Kingdom, the area has had no proper MP since Davy Trimble (now Lord Trimble of Rushmere) was forced from his Westminster seat by Dave Simpson in 2005. According to reliable graffiti sources, he has participated in the ' DUP sell-out', which obviously is not winning support from local 'artists'.
[edit] Elections
The local Borough Council Elections were held on 31st February 2005. The Official Results are as follows:
- Turnout: 112.7%
- Percentage of ballots spoiled: 0%
- Percentage of voters who felt the elections were unfair: 99.9%
- Darren McSlabberty - Buckfast Appreciation - 25%
- Parah Milla-Terry - Drumgor United Plumbers - 12.5%
- Lee Longshot - Buckfast Appreciation - 12.5%
- John McManure - Craigavon Farmers' - 12.5 cows
- Andrew McNitrous - Corsa/Clio Alliance - 129mph
- Kevin Layber-Orr - Legahory Workers - 2 fingers
- Mister Workman - Traditional Anti-Dole Voice - 6 feet under.
Thus, the Buckfast Appreciation Party win by an overwhelming majority.
