Crappenfest
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“I've spent many a summer in the depths of Germany and can hoestly say that Crappenfest is much better in real life than it appears in those videos of Lord Byron's.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Crappenfest
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[edit] Crappenfest
The second week of February on the windswept steppes of Germany is the time of Crappenfest! Germany's annual celebration of Faeces. The festival begins with the ceremonial throwing of the first chamberpot by Germany's current Chancellor. The festival then proceeds to an all-out shit fight called "Die Dungflinggin". A contest in which townspeople hurl faeces at each other like a band of drunken howler monkies. In the evening townsfolk dine on Turducken, Shitake Mushrooms, and Shnitzel, all washed down with Kopi Lowa, the infamous coffee made from coffee beans picked out of animal faeces. After the meal, everyone gets shitfaced, this time in the metaphorical sense, with alcohol.
[edit] History
The festival began when Emperor Frederick the Great accidentally emptied his chamberpot onto the head of the visiting Archbishop of Cologne. The Archbishop was so offened at the offal that he picked up a lump of the royal stool and hurled it at the Emperor. The Emperor was now shitfaced in the literal sense. Embarrassed, the ruler ordered all of his subjects to cover themselves in shit out of sympathy to their glorious ruler. Otto von Bismarck, exercising his usual Teutonic initiative, caught the episode on video. This early production went on to become "Das Scheise Eine", or in English-speaking countries, "The Shit: Part 1".
[edit] The Great War
During The Great War (which modern historians refer to as World War I, because they don't think it was that great.) His Teutonic German Germanic Kaiser roll Wilhelm I of Germany declared that Crappenfest should be held an extra week. This declaration was made in order that German citizens could feel solidarity with the soldiers on the Country and Western Front. As the war continually turned worse and worse for Germany, officials cancelled the banquets of Turducken, and replaced them with Turnips and dirt.
[edit] Interwar
The Weimeraner Republic declared that Crappenfest should be turned into a national week of self-effacing, to show shame over losing the war, and letting France achieve part of the win.
[edit] Hitler Era
When Adolf Hitler came to power in Germany, he made changes to the festivities. Now Germans were not allowed to throw feces on Aryans. Aryans were allowed to throw feces on anyone that Hitler didn't like (which was basically every non-Aryan). The Festival was expanded to occupied France. The Wermacht began the practice of throwing feces on the defeated French. Unfortunately, the French stunk so bad that no one noticed. In the East, specifically captured Poland, the dungflinggen took the form of throwing feces on Poles, Jews, Gypsies, Slavs, Russians and, everyone else the Germans were fighting. As the war grew worse for Germany (again), the festivities were suspended.
[edit] Postwar
The Postwar years brought a divided Germany, and more changes to Crappenfest. In the west, the victorious allies wanted to celebrate Germany's non-Nazi culture. The British in particular embraced the festival for its historical link to throwing poo on the French. The Americans thought it was funny too. The Dungflinggen regained its egalitarian 'poo on everyone' roots.
In the East, the Russians utilized the festival to fling poo on dissidents. In fact, in the East, the government spent millions of marks on huge catapults to fling shit across the fortified border at unsuspecting Westerners. The German Secret Police or Spetznaz reported any citizen who threw feces on Senior Party officials, and the whole festival nearly went out of favor with the average citizen.
[edit] Reunited, and It Feels So Good
After the fall of the Wall, and the Dark Side of the Moon, and with reunification, the festival has taken a new turn. Now the citizens of the former West Germany fling poo at the East Germans, and the East Germans do the opposite.
