Cricket
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
 Vote for deletionThis page may not fit in Uncyclopedia, or may not be funny with little chance for redemption. Someone has requested a deletion.
It may be voted on in Uncyclopedia:Votes for deletion whether to keep it or not. Now, you'd better go check out this page's entry.
|
|  This article needs love | |
| This article is currently in a bad state, but all it needs is a little love. Please give some love by rewriting it. | ||
“They like playing with their balls”
~ Captain Obvious on Cricket
Cricket was utilised as a way for India to compete for their independence from Britain, when a certain Bhuvan became the first Indian bookie having bet all his village taxes on a cricket match. The match was organised and, making history, Mahatma Gandhi hooked a lobbed ball for six to win his nation back (this ball hit a innocent onlooking spectator and hence is the only violent act of Gandhi's career). Since that historic, first-ever test match, all the Commonwealth countries have gone on to win their way to independence (most on multiple occasions), the most recent being Australia, who reclaimed their country in the 2006-07 Ashes after a brief spell under British rule following the 2005 Ashes.
Both India and Australia are now free from British Rule, though the influence of cricket is now felt all over the world by all major nations.
Cricket is also the patron pastime of video rental stores as the volume of rented movies skyrocket during times of cricket telecasts. Often a video rental store's turnover during a five day test vastly surpasses any months rentals during times of no cricket broadcasts.
[edit] Rules of Cricket
The rules of cricket are simple, and are summarised by the ICC as follows:
| You have two sides, one team aiming for the batsman's bails and the others as batsmen trying to hit the ball as far as possible without the other team getting hit! Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. (Make SURE you DONT go out!)
When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out. When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game! |
However, despite the apparent simplicity of these rules, there remain a number of uncivilised nations in Northern Europe and North America who are yet to embrace the civilising effects of the game of cricket.
[edit] The aim of the game
The aim of cricket is to find as many ways as possible to stay inside and not play cricket. Valid reasons to not play include, rain, bad light, Edam, good light, snow, sun, mammoth, lunch, fog, frogs, snare-drums, tea, Daryll Hair, Robert Mugabe and Inzamam-ul-Haq.
When no methods to avoid playing are available, then the secondary game begins, during which the majority of players try to continue to not play, by standing around "fielding". Furthermore the bowler may stand delaying the continuation of play by means of strategic rubbing of the surface of one side of the ball and needlessly ordering a re-structuring of the fielders positionings.
[edit] The origins of cricket
The modern form of cricket is generally regarded as having developed last Sunday night during prime time on Channel 9. There is evidence, however, that the sport is much older than this.
Anthropologists and archeologists agree that certain quirks unique to cricket indicate that the sport was played in the Middle Ages and possibly as early as the late-Triassic period. There is speculation as to how a bipedia dinosaur may have held a cricket bat.
Specifically:
- the side-on action of the batsman and bowlers suggests that cricket pre-dates the evolutionary processes that caused the human eyes to move from either side of the head to the front of the face;
- the straight-arm action of (most) bowlers suggests that cricket may even date to a time before the development of the elbow in modern humans;
- there is no archaeological evidence for any other sport involving meals being consumed by the players during the match (with the obvious exception indoor sports such as darts and poker).
[edit] Modern Cricket
Modern Cricket is divided into two houses, the House of Commons and the House of Lords. The House of Commons normally opens with bowling, which is not dissimilar to (disem)boweling. In converse, according to Fermat's Last Theorem, the House of Lords bats first. They initially attempt to obtain a fiver from the umpire through the use of a bat alone. This is obviously very dangerous and so it requires padding. Modern cricket exists only because of the billion plus Indians that don't know how to play any other game.
If the bowler hits an off-stump leg-bye then a sticky wicket is called and the game breaks for tea; however, should an elbow on-side be called, unless it's caused by a spin-twist shot or a slippy duck, then the over will be cancelled and the home side has to go to the nearest laundrette to get their kit cleaned. Usually they can score a few runs if they use a 60 degree spin-cycle non-bio detergent wash in this situation. In the case of the deep-wide short-fine leg being run out by the slip's backward point boundary man, the batting team are forced to substitute their 12th man for a golden duck and a cup of Dilmah Tea.
The game will end if the bowler throws a duck at the batsman, or the batsman scores a double whoopsie and drops his ice cream, which can either result in 12 runs or 4 walks depending on the state of the umpire or, in rarer cases, the ball is played for 6 at square leg, and a spectator from the opposition crowd is killed, resulting in an automatic win. Please be funny while on the field and not just stupid.
Owing to the complexity of its rules, nobody really knows for sure what cricket is, only what it is not: i.e. punching your quadriplegic friend's half-brother in the guts is "just not cricket" - except in Australia. Researchers at the Sydney Higher Institute for Technology however have analysed the game closely over the past ten years and have discovered that the juxtaposition of 13 men on the sacred pitch, two of them waving primitive wooden implements, in many cases emits mystical forces which they are desperately trying to comprehend. Although their researches are far from complete, due in part to over-subscription of funding from Fosters, they have gained enough information to persuade the UN to fund the despatch of several of these teams to the designated drought stricken areas of the world. Reports from these regions are eagerly awaited.
[edit] Fitness
Cricket is a deceivingly demanding sport; players spend a long day on their feet, there are periodic fast sprints when batting, chasing down a ball, and bowling, plus various dynamic movements such as leaping, throwing, and turning quickly. Plus, you don't want to be tired when facing a fast bowler!!
[edit] Modes of Dismissal
There are five ways, exactly, to get out in the game of Cricket.
[edit] Run out
A batsman may be in for such an abominably tedious length of time that he runs out of breath and therefore collapses. He is then required to walk after being resuscitated.
[edit] Bowled
This occurs when a sadistic delivery from an ultra-fast bowler takes the hair off the batsman. Batsmen need to duck in this situation to avoid being out!!
[edit] LBW
Although no cricket analyst has ever worked out what this stands for, the most frequent guess was that it "sounds like a band of some sort." Consequently LBW is the official term given for dismissing a batsman who feels driven to use his bat as a crude air guitar (though a few runs can sometimes be salvaged with a neat performance of 'Smoke on the Water').
[edit] Stumped
See the USA cricket team. This rule was first used in 1993 when Shane Warne bowled a mars bar to Mike Gatting, short of a length. The advancing Gatting missed the ball that was bowled after causing him to be stumped by the Wicket Keeper. That delivery is still regarded as the "ball/mars bar of the century."
[edit] Caught
The batsman is caught performing some socially unacceptable act, and must leave the field in embarrassment. In view of this rule, New Zealand has passed a law making the use of the word "blimey" a strict social taboo, punishable by burning in some provinces. The rules in cricket are so strict that Ian Botham, legendary all-rounder, was caught on camera picking a bogey and swallowing it whole. He had to walk.
[edit] Timed out
Unreliable wireless Internet access in the centre of the field causes a timeout. The batsman must stomp off to the pavilion to find out who has placed his hat on the antenna.
[edit] Handled the ball
Since cricket happens to be viewed worldwide as of current times, "handling the ball" on field, caused to due to the great strain on the players gruelling out during the games that last from three hours upto five days, has been strictly banned. Any player caugh "handling the ball" is warned and then sent off the field.
This rule is applicable only in very rare cases in a game of women's cricket, and the umpire is usually wither very pleased or displeased by this.
[edit] Obstruction
Since cricket happens to be viewed worldwide as of current times, "handling the ball" on field, caused to due to the great strain on the players gruelling out during the games that last from three hours upto five days, has been strictly banned. Any player caught "handling the ball" is warned and then sent off the field.
This rule is applicable only in very rare cases in a game of women's cricket, and the umpire is usually wither very pleased or displeased by this.
[edit] Hit wicket
When a batsman is unceremoniously hit in his middle stump while trying to play a stroke causing him to fall to the ground in extreme pain, he is thus forced to walk, waddle or crawl off the ground.
[edit] Hit the ball twice
The bowler successfully catapults the ball at relativistic speeds towards the batsman, causing a temporal anomaly in the vicinity of the batsman in which he appears to hit it twice. Though in these circumstances 'hit' is a generous term.
Also when the batsman hits the ball once then, because it has not gone far enough he hits it yet again, because of this stupid action some fielder will catch the ball and then he (the batsman) is out.
[edit] Debatable modes of dismissal
Occasionally, additional modes of dismissal are allowed.
[edit] Kamikaze Captain
This occurs only once in 5 000 000 years.A plank is situated in the spectator stand for the purpose of threatening your own crew to walk the plank and thus killing your own team member for extra runs(depending on how long the player lives). When the skipper (a captain in layman's terms) chooses to let a member of his own team walk the plank and then feeds his player to the crowd while shouting "shiver me timbers" at an unacceptable tone of voice. The runs are calculated as follows: 0.68 runs for every second that the player stays alive while fighting for his life in the crowd while the crowd tries to kill the player as fast as possible. There are prizes awarded to the crowd that participate(to ensure a maximum death factor) such as: "First Blood trophy", "The medal of horror" and lastly the consolatory prize for most pinching which is a cash prize of R 1 000 000 Zim Dollar(= 0.003 American Dollar).
[edit] Six and Out
This happens when the ball is hit over the fence and into the back garden of the local tight ass or 40 year old virgin, who then refuses to give the ball back. The batsman is given six and out. Though six of what exactly, varies regionally. In some areas of the West Indies, six small cakes is acceptable, whereas in South Australia this would be seen as an insult, six cream fondants being the norm.
[edit] Death
The Indian crowd gets angry at the batsman's performance. As usual the indian crowd throws the first object they can grab hold of (excluding their body parts). This has led to knives, paper clips, friends, various editions of Encyclopaedia Britannica, trains, anthrax, stomachs, onions, people with an extra chromosome, space shuttles, office chairs, holocaust survivors, planets and/or other celestial bodies, lepers and even an elephant being thrown. However, the maximum damage has occurred when an eraser from Kolkata threw a can of Rosgullas and killed Inzamam-ul-Haq who was busy eating his bat.
[edit] Cameroned
Tory leader and would-be future prime mine's-a-pint-er, David Cameron decides that he wants a go at batting and offers to switch jobs with you. After you lose the next election you are offered the job of Shadow Foppish Hair secretary in Boris Johnson's shadow cabinet. This mode of dismissal was actually named for former Test match umpire Cameron "Tourette's" Bowditch who was unable to control his outbursts. Originally you would be out Cameroned when your eardrums burst from the noise of these foul remarks.
[edit] Toffed
A batsman of lower class may be given out 'toffed' if there is sufficient condescending frostiness from watching MCC members. This frostiness may be expressed through symbolic gestures, such as sleeping, reaching one's 80th birthday, or gazing indifferently into the rim of a straw trilby. This traditional but controversial rule has only been exercised once, in a match between Eton Old Boys' XI and Slough Urchins XI at The Oval in 1922, when the entire Slough team was given out 'toffed', basically forfeiting their entire innings. Eton went on to win by 4 runs.
[edit] Being A Pom
The batsman may be given out for being of English origin. This is seen as a time saving exercise and may explain why a South African currently has the best average in the English team. This is NOT allowed in Ashes games because Australia will be too dominant, not that it makes any difference.
[edit] Legionnaires Clause
At no point are Roman Soldiers or Mercenaries allowed to enter the field of play. If at any time this does occur the batsman is then allowed to hit any member of the fielding team with his bat. This is a largely ignored and outdated rule that hasn't had to be put into force in over 17 years of international cricket.
[edit] Positions
While playing Cricket, 97% of your time is spent not actually playing Cricket. Thus, officials have developed a series of "fielding positions" in order to trick players into spending their weekend standing in the middle of a large grassy area; these positions are set out in the Wisden Almanac. Most fielders tend to run forward several feet every time the ball is bowled and clapping is also common; although seemingly pointless, these actions are believed to prevent deep vein thrombosis, which is a common complaint among cricketers.
[edit] The batsman
The person with bat is and who is standing facing the umpire is known to be the batsman usually. Even women who bat are called batsmen rather than batswomen. The batsman usually uses the bat for digging the pitch, pasting chewing gums, scattering jellybeans, fixing the stumps, hitting people, scaring poms, measuring ruler, scratching backs, as a support for standing and occasionally to hit the ball. Regularly the batsman is disliked yet his arrival and departure from the field is always celebrated.
[edit] The runner
This runner is always a good friend and time passing for the umpire. It is often seen that the runners like to spend more time with the umpires. The runner also has a bat but uses only as the walking stick, or for holding like a guitar.mabey you can also show one of the bowling mechanaics one day
[edit] Wicket Keeper
Often also known as the keeper of the wicket, this is a very important position, especially during Test Matches which often last five days, occasionally with a result. At "Stumps" each day the umpires give the wicket to the wicket keeper to guard, at dawn the next day the wicket keeper must approach the pavilion from where the umpires will shout "Halt, Who goes There" to which the wicket keeper replies "The Keeper of the wicket", "Whose wicket?" respond the umpires; "The Queen's wicket", comes the reply. At this point the umpires allow the wicket keeper to place the wicket back on to the pitch and play starts for lunch.
[edit] Umpire
The umpire, in an officially hired fat old man to stand behind the three white sticks throughout the entire match and carry stuff like murray mints, handkerchiefs, caps, pull-overs etc for the bowler and sometimes for the batsman. In cases where the bowlers are too demanding or if the batsman doesn't trust an umpire's honesty, another umpire is placed perpendicular to the batsman (also known as the square leg-umpire on account of his often mis-shapen left leg). Even then things can get really worse when a T.V. umpire is asked to stop watching Coronation Street and give a decision.
[edit] Fielding in slips
The fielding side will place players in negligee somewhat close to the batsman. The objective is to excite the batsman so that he gets out.
[edit] Fine leg
Any fielding position where the fielder may be wearing shorts instead of pyjamas to show off his or her freshly waxed legs.
[edit] Gully
Streets in Indian slums are called "gullies", and are where many kids learn to play cricket. This fielding position is called Gully to make the Indians feel at home while fielding.
[edit] Leg slip
A fielding position name reserved for the area of the outfield with the most amount of dew. Recent research shows Leg slips may be a direct consequence of a Fine leg.
[edit] Short leg
Not the disadvantage one would think. David Boon from Tasmania and Sachin Tendulkar from India had two of them and still performed remarkably well.
[edit] Silly point
A fielder at "Silly point" is generally no more than 3 yards from the batsman and will attempt to get the batsman in fits of laughter, so much so that he is unable to breathe (let alone bat). This is usually not punishable since looking and behaving silly are accepted behaviors on the cricket field.
[edit] Ridiculous statement
Like Silly point, only more so.
[edit] Irrelevent arguement
Like Ridiculous statement, only more so.
[edit] Square leg
"Square legs" are often also required to wear an eye patch and declare "Shiver me timbers!" whenever a ball goes for four. The burial of gold and other precious treasures is against the rules and can result in a mutiny.
[edit] Cover
A Cover position is one that literally has to cover half of the field. While all his lazy friends are standing around scratching their backsides, the Cover will run, jump and generally act like a giant bedsheet strung over a clothesline.
[edit] Extra Cover
A higher ranking of fielding position, only given to those players who display remarkable vitality and panache at Cover. Fast stream applicants have been known to be promoted to Extra Cover from Twelfth Man, on the basis of excellent potential shown in this role.
[edit] Point
Bill Lawry lacks one.
The Point's job is to stand and point at the ball so that other players and cameramen know where to look. During the drinks breaks it is also his job to point out the slappers in the crowd who are then beaten to death by the batsmen, to the general amusement of all.
[edit] Doggie
Nothing to do with cricket, but a fine position none the less.
[edit] Third man
Usually a large, dim-witted player who isn't good enough to field with rest of the team, and whose main job is to shift his bulk left and right in an attempt to eat the ball. Great third men include Stuart McGill, John Howard and Andre the Giant.
[edit] Fourth man
[edit] Twelfth Man
The person who is most respected by Australians, for bringing out the drinks. The only man that cannot play cricket and is only there because he paid off the selectors with sexual favours. In that case Brett Lee... Also, the secret weapon the English use (Known as a Pratt) when they want to get the Australian captain run out. Shane Warne likes to exploit the twelfth man so he can go and have a cigarette, or find a blonde model to woo.
[edit] Mid on, Deep mid on, Long on
Various degrees of hard on. The fielder must bend slightly at the waist and look suitably embarrassed. It is a common misconception that the less able fielders in the side are placed in these positions. In fact, they are unable to field skillfully due to a raging erection. In women's cricket this position is generally redundant unless the fielder in question has particularly erectile nipples.
[edit] Silly mid on
A mid on so short that everyone points and laughs; generally the result is that the fielder feels silly. Typical silly mid on fielders of the modern game include Andrew Strauss, and the great Phil Tufnell.
[edit] Mid Wicket
The fielder at mid wicket often does not know where the hell he is supposed to be, in the end he wanders out to a position where no one else is willing to go. A variation of this position is Cows Corner, referring to the position where the sacred cows stand in Indian Venues.
[edit] Terminology
- Main article: Cricket terminology
Cricket terminology is a peculiar dialect, consisting of words that sound like English but make little to no sense to non-cricketers.
[edit] Types of Bowling
Bowlers can bowl a variety of different balls which include soccer balls, peanuts and small rodents, particularly hamsters. Different ways of spinning the ball can be applied, politicians are experts of this craft. Anyone who can't spin the ball or bowl fast, or accurately are normally referred to as batsmen, or a "Pom Bowler".
[edit] Fast Bowling
A ball deemed to cause rifts in the space/time continuum and completely defy the laws of physics is a fast bowl. The most famous of which is where Glenn McGrath caused the batsman, Stephen Hawking, to be thrown into a talking, toothbrushing wheel chair and to be paralysed. This also caused Stephen Hawking's fascination with physics, and has been a nerd ever since.
[edit] Medium Pace
Warney's texting speed.
[edit] Spin
This intricate type of bowling is so complex and stupidly hard that only one has ever managed to master it. It involves the bowler spinning around so fast that their hair starts to fall out before stumbling up to the crease and bowling. The negative side affect is being forced to appear in countless hair regrowth adverts and brain damage. Muttiah Muralitharan of Sri Lanka has mastered the art of spinning around and is called the little master or GOD of spinning which made Shamed Warne to get so pissed off. However despite Muralitharan taking 734,057 more test wickets, Warne is still regarded the best spin bowler of all time. Cricketing experts put this down to the fact Warne doesn't chuck.
[edit] Off Spin
Spin bowling when it's past its best before date. The GOD of off spin is Muttiah Muralitharan aka Murali. So good is Muralitharan that in a game against Australia, umpire Hair continued to no-ball him just to watch a little longer. THis however infuriated Muralitharan and has since avoided playing against Australia, instead focusing most of his efforts to dismissing Bangladeshi and Zimbabwean cricketers (who all have an average test career of 7.2 overs).
[edit] Leg Spin
Not only the opposite of Off Spin, but also the ability to propel the leg of a mammal (land-based or other) at the batsman. A fat Australian has claimed to bowl Leg Spin, but he only bowled a hard red leather sphere while being fat.
[edit] Special Deliveries
This occurs when the captain of one team orders a pizza with either anchovies or mushrooms on it.
[edit] Bouncer
The bouncer, is when the bowler bowls a 6 foot muscular bald headed man with a tiny penis and no balls whatsoever; at the batsman. Also known as a short ball which is a midget/dwarf ball.
[edit] Beamer
The car the umpire has to drive under paragraph 4.12 of section 9.6252 of the MCC official rules of cricket , mostly a 5 series. Darryl Hair was well known for having one with just one big seat to accommodate his body. Also known as a near lethal delivery, for which the bowler receives a warning, repeat offense means that the bowler is removed from the attack, and asked to play in defense for the remainder of the season. The Beamer is when the bowler rather than running up and bowling as usual, drives up to the crease in an overpriced German saloon car, usually while talking on a mobile phone and undertaking. There have been rumours as of 2008 that there is a beamer of this kind can be "picked" however it is very rare to see a beamer indicating.
[edit] Yorker
A yorker is either when an obese loud mouthed Yorkshirian bounds onto the field and swings his pint of Tetley's at the nearest fielder.
[edit] In Swinger
These are the swingers who "know where it's at" and are "down with the kids", usually found in secluded car parks after telling the wife they are going to walk the dog.
[edit] Out Swinger
The retro swinger prefers a bit of fondue with the neighbours and a large bowl full of car keys.
[edit] Reverse Swinger
This starts off looking like an in-swinger, but then surprises the batsman by becoming an out-swinger. Often found eating fondue in a secluded car park. With a dog.
[edit] The "Chinaman"
When the bowler bowls the ball and utilizes his index finger and middle finger of the free hand to create a humorous face that resembles an Asian(or Chinese) looking chap. It is reported to be the kryptonite of the cricket world.
[edit] Full Toss
A full toss is when the bowler uses his spare hand to start masturbating rapidly until he ejaculates while the ball is being bowled. This is to put off the batsman but may also cause homosexuals to run onto the pitch in search of the sweet sweet cum.
[edit] Slower Ball
A slower ball is mentally retarded and has trouble focusing.
[edit] Long Hop
This happens when an Australian bowler impersonates a kangaroo before bowling at the batsman. Masters of this include Andrew Watson
[edit] Leg Break
The leg break is a ball that has the tendency to break the leg of the batsman. This ball was very popular in the old times when the likes of Malcolm Marshal but with the advent of pads this ball has become unimportant
[edit] Bye
A bye is when the batsman waves goodbye to the crowd who are leaving in confusion after thinking they were seeing a sport. Runs are awarded for how many fans leave, and how confused they are.
[edit] Leg Bye
A leg bye is when the batsman waves goodbye to his leg, which is currently on the roof of the stadium thanks to a Shaun Tait yorker.
[edit] No Ball
If no ball is available then a non-huffed kitten is an acceptable alternative And also,A no ball is considered to be bowlers who bowl with "no balls". Also know as the "Johnny Howard"
[edit] Wide
The bowler is bowling a ball which is so "wide" that the batsmen often gets confused and try to hit it at the wrong end. The best example for this is Krish Srikkanth of India. The biggest wide ball ever bowled is calculated to be 18.212 yards bowled by George Bush. Actually the ball went into a near by weapons base. It took almost 17 hours and 45 American soldiers to retrieve the ball after that. However, in the same match he scored the biggest six in cricket, so it was all good.
[edit] Chuck
A type of delivery perfected by the Sri Lankan off-spinner who tends to vomit all over the square. If this type of action is delivered by anyone from England, Australia or New Zealand the rules state they are red-carded, suspended by the neck from the nearest tree and sent to play hockey where chukkas are acceptable.
[edit] Extras
There are four kinds of extras in cricket, all of which can add to the batting team's score. The first kind of extras are any type of garnish a batsman has on his sandwich during lunch. Then there are the fielders who don't have speaking roles, but just fill in the crowd scene's, these are unpaid, and usually won't have ecstasy cards. The third extras are small mints. While the final type of extras, and the least common are those added benefits you receive after having "bowled a maiden over" for example oral.
[edit] Special Terms of Play
[edit] The "Duckworth-Lewis" system
An early 19th century cricket scientist invented this controversial rule. When there is a hurricane within a radius of 140 000 kilometers from a game of cricket any player of any team may call upon the Duckworth-Lewis system to stop all ongoing play and ensue in chasing a duck, worth the amount of exactly one Lewis. Hence the name: "Duckworth-Lewis". The first team to catch the duck gets 1 Lewis to do with as they please. Some say he can hit 3 sixes with one sweep of the bat,some say he eats ball-boxes for breakfast and he reportedly calls players like Shane Warne and Brett Lee insufferable oafs ,without as much as a twitch in his eye. The only thing we know is that he's called Lewis (We also know he is a fabled warrior of Medieval fame).
[edit] Cricketing Nations
[edit] Australia
- Main article: Australian Cricket team
A small, but highly established colony that quickly defeated the UK in all known facets of society, culture and sporting prowess - not to mention getting pissed. - Australia is indisputably the strongest and smelliest team since the existence of balls or any ball-playing sport, including daily keno. This according to world-famous historian Richie Benaud, one of the greatest ballboys to ever grace Australian cricket.
Australia's most glorious cricketing moment came in 1981 (at 5:53pm) when Trevor Chappell, under orders from his captain and brother Satan, bowled underarm on the last ball to prevent New Zanzibar from scoring the runs that could have drawn the match (New Zanzibar needed a six). This was due to the fact that it made the New Zanzibar batsmen cry. Trevor Chappell was softer than most Australian men, and actually felt sorry about the whole incident; he and "Jeff the Wiggle" were the only ones who did, however.
The second most glorious moment came in 2006-7, when Australia won a series against England (and affiliates) 5-0 for only the second time ever. The main reason this happened was that they had lost the last series to England, and usually lose interest once securing the series. Other reasons involved the withdrawl of Marcus Stresscothic from the England (and affiliates) squad, the injury to Michael Vaughn, the selection of Ashley Giles over Monty Panesar, and of course, the severe shortage of South Africans on the team.
Australians are considered to have no sportsmanship in defeat (not that they ever lose), especially their captain Ned Kelly. If a defeat is inevitable, Kelly typically starts a shoot-out with the opposite side, forcing valuable time to be wasted, a draw being the usual consequence, this is why the last time Australia lost a cricket match was in the late 19 century. And of course this was due to a lack of players caused by the gold rush.
[edit] Bangladesh
New whipping boys of Test cricket, taking over the mantle from England. Once every forty four tests under the laws of cricket the Bangladeshis are allowed to score a run but only against the Australians who will blame the conceding of this run on their players burning to death. These claims were rebuked by Geoffrey "Boycs" Boycott who said "It weren't that bloody 'ot. You can't burn in 145 degrees centigrade. Me gran could bat all week in this, scoring a double ton wit a golf club"
In the end, the best description of Bangladesh, as said by many cricketers, is 'woah'. Bangladesh played about 100 matches in 2007. They lost 98 and won 2. The first win was against India, which knocked the poor Indians of World Cup, and second win came 6 months later against West Indies, and West Indies were knocked out of T20 World Cup. Hence BCCI and WICB have submitted requests to ICC to ban Bangladesh from all future ICC tournaments and sentence Mohammed Ashraful to death.
[edit] England
There are only 7 things wrong with the English cricket team, their batting, their bowling, their fielding, their players, their captain, their coach, their tactics, their equipment and their fans. And their counting.
They stole Gilli-Danda , along with spices and other 'raw' materials from India, which later evolved into cricket, although their sport did not flourish as much as their economy did, even though this was before English people ever cared about India, they are all magicians. Widely regarded as the inventors of cricket for adding the term 'balls' to cricket, England have played cricket for the past 800 years, out of which it has been famous for 1 year (approximately September 2005 to November 2006) after England managed to win the Ashes from Australia.
The reason behind that is said to be the belief that no Englishman will ever live to see their team win the Ashes twice. They have been very unsuccessful in One-day cricket, since most of the players want to hit the pub after half-a-day. To overcome this, they recently invented a Twenty-20 format of the game where each player gets to have 20 mugs of beer before and after the game( except for their captain Andrew Flintoff, who gets 40 more mugs during the game). They compete fiercely with Australia in both cricket and beer-drinking. They don't consider games with other countries important since only Australia has Foster's as the sponsor. Due to their famed mannerisms, they don't like it too much when Pakistanis scratch their balls on the cricket field. The best cricketer never to have played cricket for England is Geoff . No one can call what he did cricket.
[edit] India
It is often quite tough for touring teams to win matches in India. Although, quite a few teams recently have been getting amongst the runs after having steaming hot curries the previous night.
[edit] Ireland
The new boys on the block, they have become infamous for beating Pakistan and entering the Super eight round of the world cup. Their captain (Trent Johnson) is a chicken with eyebrows so big he uses them to catch balls. Also known for being the only teams consisting of 11 drunken leprechauns and 1 chicken
[edit] The Netherlands
Cricket is widely considered by the Dutch to be boring and pointless. This can be attributed to them being very highly strung, and not having enough time for it after playing handball.
The most famous Netherlands player is Daan van Bunge who shot to fame in the 2007 World Cup after he bowled 5 clogs and a windmill at Herschelle Gibbs in a over,all 5 clogs and the windmill were smashed into a neighboring universe.
[edit] New Zealand
The New Zealand cricket team are known as the Black Caps. Over the years, they have been known to wear black, white, beige, grey, aqua and moustaches and also flavoured black condoms.
Their most famous cricket came when they lost to Australia in 1981. They claimed that the awful stench emitting from Trevor Chappell's underarm put them off.
[edit] Sri Lanka
The only team in Test cricket that enters each game with very good players. They never lose, and tend to outclass every member of the Australia squad whenever they play them. This is due to the fact Australia now wander aimlessly around the field, due to the loss of two of their most verbal, and ball-loving, players Shane Warne and Adam Gilchrist. Sri Lanka are a team whose players spend more time in the hospital than on the field. The primary reason for this is that the players, notably Mootheyyeah "Moo"rallytaran and another maggot head Lars Mole'n'go use their own balls instead of normal cricket balls to bowl to batsmen. The usual call for an umpire when "Moo"rallytaran and Mole'n'go bowl is; "NO BALL(s)", causing "Moo"rallytaran's abnormally large eyes to nearly pop out of their sockets.
[edit] Pakistan
Currently one of the more successful nations whenever Darrell Hair is not umpiring. Have a tendency to kill their coaches. Have had a successful victory over England but then lost in England due to poor umpiring and Inzamam-ul-Haq's chronic obesity. Had success with bowlers Wasim Akram and Waqar Younis as other Pakistan players would come on nude to distract the umpire whilst the bowlers tampered with the ball. They are also famous for growing long beards, smoking marijuana and Bidi only to be caught and say that they were their brothers' wives.
[edit] Scotland
Cricket in Scotland began when Sir Walter MacDoon discovered it whilst on a hiking holiday in the Valley of McHaggadash. He saw it as a way of actually winning Scottish independence whilst keeping the aggression that the Scots had tried to use in previous independence attempts. It was also another feeble attempt to find a sport that Scotland may excel in, and that didn't require wairing a dress and lobbing logs at each other. So far this has failed miserably, mainly due to the Scots never actually managing to get England to play against them. The England team tend to be to busy finding new players, generally originally from Asia.
[edit] South Africa
- Main article: South African cricket team
Cricket in SA was born along with another of South Africa's favourite past-times: corruption. Much like the local politicians, cricketers enjoy the occasional pay-off and laugh as no matter how badly they play, they always manage to beat England (but who doesn't?).
South Africa remain the strongest cricket nation in the world and as such, in order to make the game fairer for the others, they now have two national teams. One still plays under the old "South Africa" brand, while the second has taken on the "England" Franchise.
[edit] United States Of America
The USA team is currently being led by World Champion George Dubya Bush.
[edit] West Indies
Were considered the best 20 years ago and are now one of the whipping boys, especially because Lara has retired. Only notable player is Fidel Castro. Cuba and Jamaica are now battling for independence from West Indies. The West Indies consistently beat England for the 'ICC Best Batting Collapses' award, although this year face fierce competition from New Zealand for the honour.
[edit] Bermuda
Bermuda's claim to cricketing greatness came in the 2011 World Cup when in a washed out match against Pakistan, the teams decided to settle the match via an eating contest. The Bermudans ate first and managed to rack up 426 pies with star fatman Dwayne Leverock eating 378 of them. The Pakistan team got off to a bad start when their captain and player with the largest waistline, Inzamam Ul-Haq, was given out by the well known anti-subcontinent umpire Darrell Hair for allegedly eating his hat, But it turned out it was Leverock that actally ate it. Pakistan being eventually full up for 73. Leverlock then ate the whole Pakistani Team, and Inzamam joined him as together they eat the world. They both later reported symptoms of indigestion.
Things got ugly when Leverock met Shane Warne and Darren Lehmann, they ate everything in sight, then Lehmann made it worse by getting his apprentice Mark Cosgrove out. They have eaten all the food in the world, what do they do now?
[edit] Zimbabwe
Runs scored in Zimbabwe are adjusted to inflation daily at a rate of above 200,000%. An English run is worth One Billion Zimbabwean runs and hence any ODI they play is automatically forfeited before the toss.
[edit] How To Play Cricket
For beginners cricket can seem like quite a daunting game, but the "Rope Theory", which was developed towards the end of the Victorian era, helps to let everyone play the game quickly and effectively. Later the "Rope Theory" version of the game was developed into Twenty20 Cricket, which was a professional embellishment of the original, but still following the basic principals. The theory was first dreamt up by Anonymous and was later expanded on by Anon. It has undergone many minor tweaks but remains essentially the same as Anonymous' original Victorian vision.
The "Rope Theory" lays out three, simple, guiding steps to playing cricket, which should be followed by all players:
- The Rope. First you need to find a length of strong rope, about a metre in length should do.
- The Noose. With this length of rope a loop, or "noose", should be formed, similar to ones found in the vicinity of gallows.
- The Attachment. Once this noose has been formed, the remaining rope should be attached to a ceiling or high pole. Anon said that this was probably the "most difficult part, especially since one must undergo the tying of the knot with much vigour and in sturdy positioning, this is most probably why it has the longest name of all the steps".
- The Neck. When the rope and noose is firmly attached to the ceiling, you should find a chair and slide it underneath the noose, then, being extremely careful, you should stand on the chair, fit the noose around your neck and kick the chair away.
Once you start to get the hang of this you can start adding more advanced features, which should make the game more enjoyable, such as "multiple innings" (repeat the above steps as many times as you wish) or "communal innings".
[edit] Personalities
See famous cricketers.
[edit] Events
[edit] Cricket Video Games
[edit] See also
- Cricket terminology
- Cricket commentary
- Ashes
- Border Gavaskar Trophy
- Causes of Death of English Test Match Captains
Barmy British Stuff 
