Criminal
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A Criminal is a person who commits crimes. Yes, I know that you know that, I'm just starting with the basics to make sure we're all on the same page.
Criminals can be divided into professional criminals, who make a living from crime; criminal professionals, who drive to crimes in Volvos; habitual criminals, who are going to give up tomorrow, or the day after at the latest; and casual or opportuinistic criminals, such as myself.
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[edit] Types of criminal
[edit] Murderers
Murderers are criminals who unlawfully cause the death of one or more of their fellow human beings. These hard working folks are to a large part responsible for maintaining the television industry, by committing the only crimes that people can be relied on to care about. Do you think CSI: Hoboken would be so fascinating if the detectives were looking for stolen bicycles? I think not.
[edit] Rapists
Contrary to popular belief there are no amusing jokes to be made on this subject. That doesn't stop some people trying though, and we should respect these determined humourists for their can-do spirit. Rapists can come in any form, from that kind old man down the road, to your average household broom.
[edit] Pickpockets
Often headquartered in decaying buildings in London's East End, these cockney lads cause no end of vexation to the gentry by stealing (or, in their coulourful vernacular "pinching") pocket-watches, silk handkerchiefs and snuff-boxes. They are a positive menace, and Sir Robert Peel ought to be ashamed of himself for abolishing hanging for theft. Also, these sad fools often threaten a life just for a mere Oscar Wilde quote.
[edit] Exhibitionists
Can you believe that the perfectly natural act of walking around town, riding a bike, or transporting nuclear material across state lines whilst naked is considered a crime? To end this injustice, don't just vote Libertarian, vote Nude Bomb-Making Libertarian.
[edit] Explosionistionists
That the perfectly natural act of blowing up pidgeons with gelignite is considered illegal is... you're not buying this, are you?
[edit] Vitrioleurs
Practitioners of vitriolage, the act of throwing acid with intent to wound or kill. On the one hand, this is a terrible crime; on the other, it's kind of cool that there's a name for it.
[edit] Poachers of the King's Deer
This rather technical branch of criminality involves using improperly gained information when investing in the stock market.
[edit] Pirates
Wait, piracy is illegal? No way! I saw all those movies; pirates are good.
[edit] File Sharers
Horribly unambitious criminals, who refuse to even get up from their computer to commit a crime. Go on, stop looking at the bar advance as Ironman slowly downloads. Go outside, spit on the pavement or punch a cop. If you're going to live a life of crime, live large!
[edit] Burglars
Recognisable by their blue stripey shirts, black masks and sacks marked "SWAG" in big letters, burglars break into houses and steal things. To keep them away, just make sure you don't play sneaky sounding background music, as they are unable to sneak without that tune that goes 'dut dut dut dut DAH dududududu'.
[edit] Cattle Rustlers
"Why do they call them cattle rustlers? I've heard cows, and they don't rustle." - Jerry Seinfeld
"In Russia, the local currency is the rouble! Wait, can I try that again?" - Yakov Smirnoff
[edit] Simonists
These vile criminals commit the crime of simony, the act of buying or attempting to buy Church offices or pardons. Pretty serious stuff. Most people who get into this sort of thing start out with nothing more serious than smoking pot and playing those video games that glorify simony. Next thing you know, they're bribing the College of Cardinals, trying to become Pope. It would be enough to make me cry, if I hadn't sold my tear ducts for a phial of crack.
[edit] Thieves
Frequently seen upon horseback, these miscreants will rob your caravan of all it's precious gold, silks and spices and then take it back to their enchanted cave to hide it. If you are robbed by them, don't bother telling the Grand Vizier, it will only make things worse.
[edit] Drug Dealers
Hey, if selling a little weed is a crime, then I guess I'm guilty as charged. No, officer, I didn't mean batteries that literally. What do you mean 'taken down and used in evidence'?
[edit] Pimps
Yeah, they're evil traders in human flesh but, damn it, those are cool hats they wear. Sigh. I wish I had a hat like that, instead of this damn beret. Damn, berets are stupid. Sometimes I wonder why I wear one.
[edit] Smugglers
The scourge of the Hardy Boys and mystery solving musicians, especially the Partridge Family. Smugglers sneak things in across the border without paying duty on them. Since no-one knows what duty is, no-one but amateur detectives know what smugglers are actually avoiding, except detection, liberty and justice for all.
