Steve Irwin
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“...”
~ Steve Irwin on Living
“Don't worry, mate, stingrays can't swim backwards. Just watch!”
~ Steve Irwin on stingrays.
“Gotcha MUTHAF*CKA!!!”
~ Stingray L. Jackson on Steve Irwin
“He's Dead Jim”
~ Dr. Leonard H. McCoy on Steve Irwin
Sir Steve Robert Irwin (22 February 1732 - December 14 62 AD) was a well-known car salesman, affluent stockbroker and Mike Portnoy's arch-enemy. His other skills included hunting, tracking, and golfing.
Indecorous and annoying, this Aussie villain had been sighted in hundreds of the more exotic places in the world, yet concentrated mostly in The Land Fromunda. Coming from a secret strain of emperor penguins, he often blundered into stupid situations. Most of his time spent on his show, The Land Fromunda: Fromunda Cheese was him just waddling around without doing much.
He also enjoyed long walks on the beach, jazz, and wrestling large amphibious reptiles. Currently, he enjoys mud and dirt baths.
Sadly, due to a confrontation with the King of Idiots in its natural territory, Steve Irwin was driven to insanity. Rumor has it that the internet shooting game, Soldat, is to blame.
Contents |
Early Years
The one man Chuck Norris has a degree of respect for, Steve was born sometime in the 19th century, much like many medieval warriors of his time, although he never excelled at fighting. At an early age, Zorro hung him over a bunch of crocodiles with a sword, which began his interests in hunting and tracking. When he was five, his family took him into the outback to practice his hunting and tracking skills. Unfortunately, his tracking skills were not developed enough to stop him getting lost, and so when he finally found his way back to where his family were, his were gone. While he waited for them to come back, a small family of various unspecific good-natured cute and fluffy animals approached him. Sensing the young Irwin's distress, they took him in as one of their own.
For twenty years, Irwin lived with the animals, learning their ways, customs, and songs, though not in a way that would infringe any copyrights. One day however, the cute and fluffy animals were sleeping in their little beds, when a pack of bad animals came across their home. Being evil, they proceeded to kill and eat every single one of them. Fortunately for Steve, he was out gathering berries at the time, but upon his return and disovery of his murdered animal family, he swore to get revenge on all bad animals everywhere. After honing and perfecting his tracking and hunting skills, he eventually retured to be with his own kind.
For a few years, after deveolping his mega-wrestling skills in the mountains, he sought to combat bad animals by becoming a Grue hunter. In that relatively short span of time, be became a Grue hunting legend around the world, until his retirement after getting kicked in the groin area. The Grues may have been planning revenge, later on...
Steve also had a suntan lotion line that was very successful, and made lots of people happy. However, it was cancelled shortly after his death because it didn't protect against deadly rays.
Enemies
His enmity against Spider-Man is deep rooted. A long time ago in a galaxy far away, on the planet of Freddy Mercury, spiders were larger, faster, and stronger than the aforementioned Emperor Penguins. The civil war fought between them was massive. Spider-Man was a leading general of the spiders' forces, while Steve Irwin was the general of the emperor penguins' forces.
Irwin also had a long and gruesome vendetta against fellow Australian Crocodile dundee. Dundee was famous for raping crocodiles and Irwin, using his skills as a KOC'D (Knight of Crocodile Defence), fought Dundee. It is believed that Crocodile Dundee was also involved in Irwin's death in 2006.
Angry at Steve for always invading the natural habitat of his beloved snake bretheren, the Cobra Commander posted a bounty for his death which was answered by the special unit FOXHOUND working as mercenaries. The operative sent was known by the codename Stingray (See also Mr. Stingray.)
When he decided to hunt down The King of Idiots, Steve Irwin gained a powerful foe: Bob Dole. This failed politician was the man who hinted Steve Ballmer to Irwin's insanity, which resulted in Irwin's death.
The King of Idiots is the only creature known to have survived Steve Irwin's hunting skills, and Steve despised him until his death in 2006.
Steve was also commonly terrorized by his daughter, the evil Bindi Irwin.
The Final Showdown
In 2006, Steve finally tracked down the leader of the unspecific animals who had brutally slain his cute and fluffy animal family. The leader turned out to be a giant stingray who went by the name Mr. Stingray, who had been in hiding with his girlfriend, Aqua-Marina, ever since he'd heard of Irwin's promise of vengeance. A fight scene of fantastic proportions ensued, the pair eventually ending up on a boat in the middle of the Pacific ocean. Irwin managed to finally kill Stingray with a harpoon to the heart, but as Stingray was falling back into the ocean in slow motion, he pulled out a concealed barb, and managed to pierce the unsuspecting Irwin's heart with it before he could react, fatally wounding him.
As Steve's life flashed before his eyes (with appropriately emotional music in the background), he saw all of his fluffy animal family frolicking in the outback with him. He then realised he had finally avenged their deaths, and so was able to peacefully go to frolic with them in the great outback in the sky. And somewhere up in Heaven, there's an angel with a brave man's thumb up its arse.
Aftermath
Mr. Stingray was sentenced to death by hanging, by the Intrepid League of Violent Evil Corporations of Corporate Kazakhstan, also known as ILOVECOCK. The ILOVECOCK was merciless in their ruling, and ordered the execution to be held immediately, after 3 business days because of Labor Day vacation.
Training Principles
Irwin fights bears for training purposes. He has stated, "Pola bears offa li'l resistance to one solid asswhoopin', but thoy sure ahh tough customers whin it cams to knockin' wan unconscious." When polar bears became endangered, Irwin was forced to begin practicing on trees instead.
The trees do not appreciate this. They have launched a bear conservation project so that good ol' Steve won't have to pummel trees anymore.
See Also
- Mr. Stingray
- Stingray Hunting Coalition
- UnNews:Crikey! A Nation in Mourning
- UnNews:Jesus Crikey! Irwin rises from tomb
External links
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