Cromer

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Cromer is a seaside town in the North of East England (not to be confused with the North East of England. It is where old people retire to if they're not cool enough to live in Eastbourne or Florida. It is best known for being the last real stop on the Bittern line, before Customs Controls begin for those visiting Sheringham.

It's often thought that Cromer is owned by the two main fishing families, The Davies's & the Lee's, but this is not true. They just think they own the town.

The town is one of the main shopping centres of North Norfolk, where people can browse the many, many charity shops & buy discarded souvenirs from other resorts & pretend they've been there themselves. There are also a number of secondhand bookstores which are thriving despite the fact that many of the pupils from the school can't actually read!

1 Attractions
2 Cromer Zoo
3 Tourist Trade
4 Cromer Church
5 Crabs
6 Suffield Parkour
7 Local Politics
8 Cromer High School
9 Tourist Slogan
10 Famous Cromer People

[edit] Attractions

Cromer is famous for... for... I know there's something, I'll come back to this.

Oh yes, there's that creepy hairdresser who was on Big Brother a few years back, you know the one, he was stalking Antknee. And Darren Day was on the end of the pier show once as well.The headline act at Seaside Special is either ;

1.Someone on the cusp of being famous

2.Someone who was famous twenty years ago

3.Some sad old git you'd never have heard of otherwise, but he was cheap

4.Bradley Walsh.

There is also a series of Sunday shows where all the headliners were famous forty years ago.

In the meantime, why not visit our fabulous mini golf course? It was described by one visitor as "quite diminuitive, and faintly golf-related". It is also a stunningly original attraction, as no other seaside towns in England have one.

There is also a popular local nightclub, Euthanasias, which is frequented by the younger denizens of Cromer (those crazy under-eighties!) It regularly plays "Summer of '69" by Bryan Adams to remind them of when they were middle aged.

There is a wide selection of pubs, ranging from the Red Lion (usually full of tourists) to the Albion (usually full of Irishmen)

If you are a fan of keeping fit you can also visit the Pitbull Powerhouse Gym where two morbidly obese men advise you on how to get the body beautiful. Only in Cromer.

You can also visit the Cromer Multiplex with it's many screens & cinemas, some the size of a cupboard.

Oh, hang on, I think I've got it. It's famous for... No, I did have it. If I keep going, I'll get it in a minute.

[edit] Cromer Zoo

A new zoo featuring South American animals opened in Cromer in 2008. The zoo is situated on the Roughton Road about 500 yards south of the Brownshill council estate. Initially there were complaints about the siting of the zoo, it seems the animals were objecting to being near Brownshill. However, fears were eased when a six foot tall electrified fence was erected around Brownshill.

[edit] Tourist Trade

Cromer will happily trade almost anything for some genuine tourists. Preferably ones with money. We've had a little whip round of the town council to start things going, and can offer:

4 zimmer frames (one with go faster stripes!)
1 pair false teeth, hardly used
A beaded seat cover for a Morris Minor
1 case of CRABS! Yes, that's it, Cromer is famous for crabs! I knew I'd remember! Oh, sorry, 1 case of Elsie Trott's plum gin. Not crabs. Sorry for the confusion

We are willing to exchange this and more for a coachload of tourists. Or a minibus. Heck, even a VW Beetle would be a start!

The more select hotels are situated to the west of Cromer town centre & are reknowned for the quality (lack of) of their cuisine & the campness of their waiters. Mince is frequently in evidence but never on the menu.

[edit] Cromer Church

20080422013003!Cromer_Church_23rd_Oct_2007.jpg

The central building in Cromer is the magnificent church, with a tower reaching 160 feet in the air. The tower is open to those who wish to climb it, & they are currently saving up to install a Stannah stairlift . The church has a healthy congregation, especially when they are filming Songs of Praise there ,& is also famed for it's choir, some of whom can actually sing in tune, but not all at the same time.

Cromer Church is unique in the area for not having a kiddie fiddler for a choirmaster.

[edit] Crabs

Cromer is famous for its crabs. As crustaceans go, they're quite tasty. There you go, that was worth waiting for, eh?

[edit] Suffield Parkour

This is a locally invented sport practised in the town & named after the suburb where it was invented. Like Parkour it involves tackling obstacles but in a slow & very careful way. (they are old after all!)

[edit] Local Politics

Like most areas of the United Kingdom there is a three tier council system. The town, or parish council is usually occupied by local businessmen who want to ensure that no developments can take place in the town without them getting their cut of the action, impoverished local gentry who want to cling onto the myth that they still matter, & members of the Davies or Lee families who did three days at Cromer High School, and are thus considered the brains of the family.

The town tends to be represented at district & county level by people who have moved to the district because of an inbred fear by most town council members about leaving the town.

The current town council are

Jean Cash-Converters (Mayor) The Hon Benji Chinless-Wonder Dave "Six Fingers" Davies Fred "six toes" Lee Randall "Backhander" Larry That bloke who owns the post office, the boring one That shouty chap from the hotel, you know the one. Ena Timbadiddle, been on the council years, bless her,shes a national treasure even if she is a bit incontinent now. John "Squinty" Davies Lee.

At the District level the town is represented by Major Sir Giles Complete-Irrelevance ,another local landowner.

[edit] Cromer High School

Cromer has a school. It is largely empty as most of the population are far too old to have children of school age. Still, a school adds something to a town, a certain je ne sais quoi, and so we keep it open. Maybe one day, one of the few kids who do live in the area will attend it, instead of playing truant and hanging out on street corners. It would make us so proud!

Because the majority of the children in the area are the progeny of the Lee or Davies fishing families ,many of the pupils share the same surname. This recently caused one of the teachers to have a nervous breakdown while taking the register, on calling out the name Davies the entire class answered