Cthulhu

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“Therein the question lies;, if the universe does expand at that critical rate of expansion, why don't these squid-gods choose a planet more suitable than this backwater bunghole Earth to lie in so eternally? Truly, I lose sanity just thinking about it.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Cthulhu

“In Soviet Russia, Cthulhu is turned horribly mad and ends his days raving in an asylum because of YOU ”

~ Yakov Smirnoff on Cthulhu

Cthulhu, (also known as Lakshmi David Hasselhof), an aquatic creature from the South Pacific, has risen from Its lowly origins ^[1] to became the name brand leader in Eldritch Horror. Clever publicity and marketing have given It a reputation for omnipotence that it has enjoyed since the 1920s, far outstripping rivals like Dagon, the Deep Ones, and Aquaman. Yet through it all, Cthulhu has not lost the common touch, asking himself "Mother, Are you proud of me yet?"

"Cthumley" to Its friends, Cthulhu divides Its time between work and play. Sure, everyone knows about Its efforts to keep the South Pacific free of Debris, and Its pioneering work in long-distance communications. But how many people know where Cthulhu went to school (College Beyond Space and Time, BFA Library Studies) or what Cthulhu likes to have for breakfast (the souls of virgin lawyers). Now freed from the typecast of the horror fiction genre, Cthulhu can spend its quiet time enjoying cartoons and playing World of Warcraft.

Though Cthulhu enjoys spending time in Its ancient sunken vacation home R'lyeh, It makes frequent trips to the Bay Area and maintains a business office in Provo, Utah^[2]. Also, a summer home in the mountain range of Ogden, Utah, appearing in the well of a stone circle rumored to have been built by saintstephen.

Though name-recognition is as strong as ever, in recent years Cthulhu has made an effort to reach a younger audience, making guest appearances on such shows as Digimon, Ghostbusters, The Jerry Springer Show, and The View.

Contents 1 History 1.1 Origin 1.2 Education 1.3 Holiday 2 The Nation of Cthulhu 3 Cth 'n' Ny: The TV Show 4 Cthulhu's Wager 5 Hobbies of Cthulhu 6 Cthulhu's Death 7 X-Play 8 References 9 See Also 10 External links

[edit] History

[edit] Origin

Cthulhu is not to be confused with the cthulhu (from the Latin for "sheath" or "scabbard" ), which is the tubular tract leading from the uterus to the exterior of the body in female mammals, or to the cloaca in female birds and some reptiles. Female insects and other invertebrates also have a cthulhu, which is the terminal part of the oviduct.

It wasn't until 1910 that H.P. Hovercraft discovered Cthulhu and started to have sexual fantasies about them. The fantasies were so interesting, he started to write books about them. The books are nonfiction, in the sense that they recorded his fevered yowlings exactly as he gurgled them.

In this case, however Cthulhu refers to a creature (Cthulhuious squajillimous, or the Lesser Norfolk Rugose Cthulhu) that is native to the South Pacific but, when removed from its natural environment, became exceedingly wealthy and influential, with homes in Monaco, Megatexas, and R'lyeh and many followers who worship it as a god. The proper authorities diagnosed this as a case of King Kong Syndrome, and after the usual treatments (aerial bombardments, network TV specials), its popularity eventually went into remission.

It was during this period that Cthulhu developed the unfortunate habit of sexually molesting mobile homes. The armies of three nations were forced to return it to the wild. This tragic story was told in the Metallurgical Opera The Calls of Cthuhlu.

In more recent years Cthulhu and his spawn played vital roles in the Duke Nukem video game series.

[edit] Education

Cthulhu performed relatively well in his early schooling, achieving good marks in most subjects, especially surprising his geometry teachers. Fellow students would often tease the young Cthulhu. These students would soon find themselves plagued by dreams of non-euclidean angles, and eldritch titans from beyond sanity. All but one of these children took their own lives; and the final one was hit by a bus before he had a chance.

Cthulhu himself went on to university, where he completed a fine arts degree in ancient civilizations, mythology and archaeology. His marks were exemplary, with reviewers often commenting his knowledge exceeded that of modern science, as if he were present for the events. When approached on the issue, Cthulhu himself asserts he was asleep in R'lyeh at the time.

Cthulhu completed Its master's thesis entitled Entities Gnawing at the Rim of the Universe - the Great Old Ones and Feminist Theory, for which It received numerous accolades, but unfortunately It ate Its faculty advisor and was unable to graduate.

Recently Cthulhu has taken to encouraging sculpting in Its friends and fans. It prefers bas-reliefs in clay, especially portraits.

[edit] Holiday

Cthulhu has a holiday dedicated to him. For more information see Cthulhu Day

[edit] The Nation of Cthulhu

After the native frog-squid-sheep-people were colonized by the population of England's mental hospitals, Cthulhu was declared "annoying" and "gormless" by the U.N. Secretary-General. "Also cyclopean," the Secretary-General said after a bit. "And squamous." He also called it "reified," but at that point he was just squealing random words out of his clone-hole.

In any case, these utterances started a slap-fight that has seldom abated since. For centuries Cthulhu sweated under the heel of the often-molting Turk, which the struggling nation thought was fine if you were in to that sort of thing.

Additionally, Cthulhu once started a war with the neighboring island-nation of Dagon over the proper spelling of "R'lyeh" (also, "RLY"). As Secretary-General Nyarlathotep said after the incident, "There is no proper spelling! It's just a bunch of random letters pulled out of a hat!" The war ended in a stalemate, and since then, citizens of both countries have amused themselves by making up Cthulhu quotes.

The national anthem of Cthulhu is "Ia Shoggoth, Ia Shoggoth, O Cannonball Armchair, My Rocket of Love." This, as far as anyone can tell, is Japanese, and it was most stirringly performed at the 1987 Special Olympics by Japanese national pop band Pizzicato Five. Its national bird is the pseudonatural canary, which is exactly like a regular canary but with extra tentacles for realistic gripping action. Its national flag is a maple leaf with an eyeball in the center, strangling a baby.

Any resemblance between the Nation of Cthulhu shown on the entirely accurate map to the right, and the mythical island of Malta are purely coincidental.

[edit] Cth 'n' Ny: The TV Show

Despite excessive tension between other nations and Cthulhu, Cthulhu and Nyarlathotep both recently starred in the first and only season of Cth 'n' Ny, a TV show depicting the bumbling attempts of the comically-incompetent pair (played convincingly by Cth and Ny themselves) to enslave and exterminate the human race, with their overly complicated plans consistently thrown awry by amusing errors in communication caused by their damn near unpronounceable language.

The series almost didn't air at all, but at the last minute Fox picked it up to replace the cancellation of it's prime-time reality show, Who Wants To Film a Reality Show? (Apparently, no one did.) The show was regarded as horrendous, but, hey, what do you expect from Fox? The show was canceled after just one episode, when all the people who viewed the premiere went insane and began shrieking wildly in incomprehensible, inhuman tongues, sacrificing small animals, and gnawing the flesh from their own hands.

Since the cancellation, Cthulhu has branched into other media. His new online news-service advice column already has 23,327 blind followers.

[edit] Cthulhu's Wager

This page was originally sporked from BJAODN.

Based on Pascal's Wager, Cthulhu's Wager measures the benefits/punishments of belief/non-belief in Cthulhu.

It follows logic thusly:

1. Cthulhu, if he exists, exists somewhere inaccessible to human beings, so we cannot be certain of his existence or nonexistence.
2. If Cthulhu exists, he will give a quick and relatively merciful death to those who have worshiped him and expressed their belief through self-flagellation and ritual sacrifice.
3. If Cthulhu exists, he will condemn those who have not worshiped him to an eternity of suffering and torment.

• You may worship Cthulhu, and Cthulhu exists, in which case you suffer finite pain.
• You may worship Cthulhu, and Cthulhu doesn't exist, in which case you gain nothing.
• You may not worship Cthulhu, and Cthulhu doesn't exist, in which you gain nothing.
• You may not worship Cthulhu, and Cthulhu exists, in which case you suffer infinite pain.

The following table shows the values assigned to each possible outcome:

Now you must wager: do you choose to worship him or not?

So we can describe our calculus of pain, holding as the probability that Cthulhu exists, and that he does not exist.

If you worship him, we assign as the pain if he does exist, and as the pain if he does not exist. is less than because in both instances you go through the pain associated with worshipping Cthulhu, but in , you also get eaten, which is more painful.

If you worship him your expected pain is some finite constant:

For the case where you do not worship him, we assign as the pain if he does exist, and as the pain if he does not exist. will be zero or negative, because you actually get pleasure if you don't worship him and he does not exist.

If you do not worship him, your expected pain is:

However, , the pain if he does exist and you don't worship him, is infinite. Therefore, expected pain is infinite if you do not worship him, no matter what the associated probability .

As infinite pain is always greater than any finite pain, is always greater than .

Therefore, in order to minimize your pain, the only rational thing for you to do is to pick , and worship Cthulhu through self-flagellation and ritual sacrifice.

[edit] Hobbies of Cthulhu

• Getting into yr Interwebs n pwning yr pr0n (and haeting Mudkip 4nd 411 th4t)
• Cross stitch
• Consuming the souls of mortals (at a constant of 1d10 people per round, apparently)
• Dreaming dark dreams in R'lyeh in his vast crypt outside of time
• Forms of torture so horrific, no human language has words capable of describing them
• Pinochle
• Performing in his garage band "Cthulhu and the Great Old Ones." They have so far released one album, "Cthulhu and the Great Old Ones Sing the Great Oldies".
• Acting as the lead role in Japanese Hentai films, doing such things as finding and touching schoolgirls' unmentionable areas, making them feel 'good'.
• Sponsoring the Campus Crusade for Cthulhu.
• Avoiding attacks from the albatrosses.
• Staring at you from the other side of the window. Yes, he can see when you are getting jiggy...

• Cake decoration, although he has developed a strange and worrying addiction to dragees. It is because of this that there are subliminal messages in H. P. Lovecraft's story The Call of Cthulhu, making people consume at least two dragees a day.
• Writing acrostic-ballads.
• Answering UnNews:Ask Cthulhu questions sent in by mail.
• Goes on Bakajojo.com to look at Cthulhu porn. The evils of this site are so horrific and unspeakable that no eyes other than those of Cthulhu can view it without descending into eternal madness.
• Eating pie made from human souls.
• Eating the souls of Mortals. Just because he wants to.
• Managing the Cthulhu's Cthusthard and Ichorous Ice Cream chain of restaurants, which specializes in frozen gibbering treats.
• Attacking Japanese merchant vessels as they sail the Pacific Ocean.

• Hanging out in the cafe's of amsterdam with Pingu plotting world domination and fucking with hippies minds.

[edit] Cthulhu's Death

Recent speculation has recently proven that Cthulhu is actually dead. With the absents of responses to the Ask Cthulhu article promoting an investigation, Cthulhu's lifeless body was found in Louisville, Kentucky. It is unclear how Cthulhu arrived in Kentucky, but speculation revolves around Cthulhu's known favorite restaurant, King Fish, as being a possible cause of Cthulhu's arteries becoming clogged, due to trans-fatty acids. His son Cthulhu II will replace him in the 2008 presidential elections.

[edit] X-Play

X-Play gives Cthulhu, 5 tentacles out of 5. This was X-Play.

[edit] References

1. ↑ Roughly eighty million years ago a sperm whale and a squid, while fighting, accidentally impregnated each other. Not hot. The resulting child was too ugly to die.
2. ↑ see Dr. Alan Alda's From Sleeping R'lyeh to Utah Lake: Secret Adoration of Dread Cthulhu in Provo, Utah University of Arkham Press; 1951

[edit] See Also

• Dorrland
• Cthulhu for Prez!
• Cthulhu Day
• Cthulu 2: Electric Boogaloo
• Neil Cicierega
• Ben Stein
• DJ Tiesto
• Davy Jones
• H. P. Lovecraft
• Cthulhu v. Japan
• Indiana Jones
• Cthulhu Spawn
• Eris
• T'ckchnack'lqueztlexrchkcle
• JR "Bob" Dobbs
• Jim Henson
• Journey
• Flying Spaghetti Monster
• HowTo:Avoid tentacle rape
• Nyarlathotep
• Baile Átha Cliath
• Squid
• Octopus
• UnNews:Ask Cthulhu
• My First Necronomicon
• Mosques
• Cthulhu Wife
• Morons
• Mormons
• Mormon Pride
• The evil Yu Gi Oh
• Cthulhu jokes

[edit] External links

• "Cthulhu"
• Cthulhu For President
• Cthulhu helps with a Magic Trick
• Wikipedia article of Cthulhu in Choctaw (Chahta) language

	States of Existence
	Alive | Awake | Asleep | Semi-Conscious | Half Dead | Dead | Being Dead | Dreaming | Dead but dreaming | Bored
	Drunk | Stoned | Handicapped | Comatose | Undead | Born again