Cube life
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For countless centuries mankind has lived in wide open spaces searching for little boxes to call home. Due to recent developments, this nomadic (and frankly quite wet) lifestyle appears to be coming to an end.
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[edit] The Modern Workplace
Working for a small company can have both positive and negative aspects.
As the workplace becomes more and more competitive you are likely to face your fellow Office workers on a more personal level.
One of the most common cost-cutting measures in place today is the cubicle. Rather than wasting money on costly office space modern science has created what's commonly called the 'funnel solution', the cubicle.
[edit] Cube Farms
A cubicle or 'cube' is like an office you share with your best friends at work. Typical cubes are round in shape and have underground entrances like bomb shelters found in historical documents.
A typical cube has racing stripes and a side car. Once I even saw one with a gun turret. This is not a joke. Gun turrets are a nice thing to have in a cube farm; they help you keep an eye out for the Reds. (We all know the Reds are coming, it's just a matter of time. I can see them right over that hill.)
[edit] Friends and Foes
Usually your best friend in the world / cube mate sits to your left. His name is probably Fredrick or Phillip or something like that, but everyone just calls him Dick for short. Dick For Short may resemble a troll.
You’re very lucky to sit next to DFS, as he tells you all the time. He can lift somewhere upwards of a thousand pounds and drives a very fast car. Everyone needs a friend like him in a place like this.
The downsides of cube life are often a glass half empty scenario. True, you may be employed, but there isn’t all that much competition for drain system supervisors. Just buck up and be proud though; at least you still get to wear gloves.
Something you always look forward to is the employee-inquisition-of-the-duodecimal-period-gathering. This is where the winners and losers duke it out in a game of triplicate bingo, the winner being awarded a permanent contract in North Dakota!
Your boss is a really nice guy but he has practically no power. It takes 8 levels of approval to get a tape dispenser refill, but electronics apparently really do grow on trees and appear on your desk, often seemingly at random.
Too bad they were all made in the 60s.
You can hear DFS talking to some victom from time to time; he usually blames everything on mythology and tells people he's "easy like Sunday morning" when they object to his style.
Etiquette demands sacrificing a virgin user from time to time or the auditors get angry; fortunately there are many candidates at any given time (see PEBKAC).
[edit] Ticket Management
Having pacified the gods for the present; you settle in to your specious quarters and are immediately confronted with an endless list of requests in the form of tickets. Tickets are just little notes from users with a standard format. They read something like the following:
Help. I'm trapped in the elevator. There’s a tall man with a gun in here and he's…. (call terminated, sending as urgent ticket).
As always, there is a lack of valid contact information here; you should simply close the request with a note stating 'lack of contact information'.
[edit] Winning the Game
The cube life is challenging but also quite rewarding. Understanding winning conditions is essential.
- Always lead with your chin. It’s a nice hard structure and is useful for opening doors in a pinch.
- Attack first, ask questions later. When challenged remember what happened to the little guy in High School. Work is just like High School.
- When in doubt, ask DFS, he knows everything.
- See above.
- Lie, it got you the job right?
