Cul-de-sac
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Cul-de-sac comes from a French word that literally translates- street where white people reside in hopes that their children will not get run over by a car.
The Department of Housing, Traffic, Weather, Voting, Gossip and Minor League Sports (or the D.H.T.W.V.G.M.L.S. for short) estimates that Cul-De-Sacs have been on the rise, statistically speaking, for quite some time. The typical neighborhoods of the 50s and 60s would have a series of Avenues, modeled after the grid traffic patterns created by the Romans and perfected in the town-hall areas of Philadelphia and Detroit.
Contents |
[edit] Kickball
Formerly considered too property-damaging of a game to allow kids to play in the old-timey neighborhoods of yore, many Cul-De-Sacs end in a wide, disk-shaped asphalt playing-field for children--the center of which sometimes containing grass or even trees! Depending on the size of the Cul-De-Sac, and the age of the kids, youngsters can often have a full Summer season of kickball--abbreviated by only occasional game cessions to let one of three cars go by that would ever need to drive past--without ever damaging a window, flower-bed, tinier sibling, car (today indestructible anyway) or lemonade stand.
It is definitely worth mention that the trade-off of getting high-flying kickball action in these Cul-De-Sacs has been a crippling drop in lemonade sale revenue. Remember, less cars also means less business for young entrepreneurs targeting the working class, and that's including inflation. Back in 76, teams would've been able to pay off their kickball uniforms with only a few weeks of selling lemonade during half-time. These days, Lemonade-selling snappers-of-the-whipper can barely recoup the cost of expenses (often subsidized by sympathetic parents who are also looking to get children out of the house for some 'Steely Dan' time).
The ice-cream truck is another retail enterprise who suffers from the kickball dominated Cul-De-Sacs of today and tomorrow. You'd think that more warm bodies in the street would yield higher profits, but the truth is that kids don't carry their wallets with them to play kickball, and are often too lazy to run back into their house to harass their parents for cash (especially after the failed lemonade stand investments). The real advertising of the ice-cream-truck is the 1920s Scott Joplin music that can be heard coming, which means that people inside the homes are just as good marks if not better than those who are previously engaged in an activity in the street. More turning back at the end of a Cul-De-Sacks means lower volume of individual house drive-pasts, and more stopping to avoid hitting kickball players means lower gas-mileage. In the end many ice-cream-truck drivers sadly end up requiring real jobs.
[edit] Famous People who live in Cul-De-Sacs
The odd truth of the matter is that more famous people than can actually be listed here are living in Cul-De-Sacs, so, rather than list the MOST Famous, we're going to simply list the celebrities who live in Cul-De-Sacs for the most SPECIFIC REASONS.
- Dr. Phil McGraw: Lives in a Cul-De-Sac so that when he steps out on his porch to get the paper, he can scold the parenting methods of every neighbor on his street without having to turn his neck more than a 35 degree radius. (His neck was injured in a Cathedral-fight back in 2005 during which angry recipients of advice put him in a headlock and force-fed him unleavened bread for 45 minutes).
- Shaquille O'Niel: Moved to a Cul-De-Sac in Southern Florida because he is being brought in as a ringer for the George Steinbrenner-owned Kickball team, The Insane Turkeys. Neighborhood kickball regulations, which don't have an age or weight limit, do in fact have a zoning policy restricting league play to kids who live in the Sac.
- Ray Romano: Has lived in the same Cul-De-Sac which originally inspired his Middle Class-ploitation Sitcom, "Everybody Loves Raymond". He says that he'll stay in the Sac until his twin sons--who are a powerhouse duo on the kickball court--leave for college. In the meantime, he's trying to encourage them to work on receiving Kickball scholarships to NCAA Division II schools such as Winona State and Amherst.
- Regis Philbin: Reej is actually the nation's highest paid youth kickball coach in the country. His team, the Locust Lane Super-Shredders has been neighborhood-wide intramural champs for 3 of the last 4 seasons. Says 6th grader Tom Whipkey, "If you think he's a handful on TV, you should see him on days when we're mis-timing our wind-ups. One summer he worked us so hard that we had to warm up for each practice by digging a huge hole in his backyard. I always thought it was odd that he never had us back to fill the hole up again, but when I asked him about it, he snapped, 'Your business is Kick Business! Now the next time you screw up your fundamentals during the semies, you'll find out what a good ol' hole in the ground is used for!' Mr. Philbin is nuts, and his new trailor smells real bad... what's he doing in there?"
- Larry the Cable Guy: Mr. The Cable Guy has admitted to having a gambling problem. Sources say he once blew $700,000 betting on a game of kickball, while binging on $2,000 worth of lemonade. Even though he admits he has a problem, he's apparently not willing to move farther away from his temptations.
- Jay Leno: Pedophile.
- John Grisham: Says that the quiet, relaxing atmosphere of his Cul-De-Sac helps him concentrate while he's writing books about men holding briefcases talking to other men with briefcases who are wearing dresses and holding a hammer.
- Sean (Piddle) Combs: Hasn't played much since 4th grade, but is getting back into kickball for the love of the game.
- Ed Edd n Eddy: 3 Gang Bangers causing weapons of mass destruction and Nuking Iran
- Carl "CJ" Johnson: He killed and kicked out the Ballas out of the Hood yo!
[edit] Always shaped like genitalia?
