Cumbernauld
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| WARNING This article pertains to Scottish things, dae nothin tae to fix this. It is recommended that while reading this article you wear a kilt, drink Irn-Bru, eat Jock pies and sing Auld Lang Syne loudly. Failure to observe these precautions could cause you unexpected distress and a life of misery in Falkirk. | 
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“Dear God, I have sunk low on my trip to...Scotland, theres a chipper over there though”
~ Oscar Wilde on Cumbernauld
Before you come to this place, make sure to bring the following:
1: 1 20 Megaton Nuclear Warhead.
If you only bring one thing, make sure it is this. If you have never been here before, you *WILL* get lost by the third roundabout. If you are a native, you should prepare yourself by practicing giving directions to clueless visitors.
Contents |
[edit] About the Town
Cumbernauld, population c.60,000 is a large new town in central Scotland and was built after World War 2 when the residents of Glasgow had enough of living in the polluted industrial city and opted for a new life in a modern town in the country. This has been built largely between the villages of Cumbernauld and Condorrat and quickly became a mix of industrial estates, housing and countryside. The town has more escape routes than the UK Health & Safety Executive building, with the A80, M73 and A73 not to mention several back roads, and 2 main railway lines served by 3 stations.
Cumbernauld, and in particular the Town Centre, suffered urban decay from the 1970s through to 2000 and has previously won the Carbuncle award, or "Plook on a Plinth" as it is commonly known, on 3 occasions which is a world record.
This is a bit unfair as it is really only the old town centre and a few streets in the town that are really suffering from any kind of decay which is slowly but surely being fixed with investment. Such investment may or may not be linked to the massive numbers of wealthy people moving in to Cumbernauld.
Most of the town on the North Side of the A80 is private housing estates and even the ex-council builds are mostly privately owned nowadays. This has led to a massive cloud of pollution and smog over the town, as every family has at least 2 cars. Kids who live anything over 100yards from a school are driven by their mothers in oversized cars no smaller than a Vauxhall Zafira, then mummy spends the rest of the day maxing out their rich hubby's credit card in shopping centres all over Scotland.
Cumbernauld is unique in that it has a total of three 24hour supermarkets. There is Tesco Craigmarloch, Tesco Extra and Asda at the town centre. This sustainability is down to many of Cumbernauld's residents being afraid to come out in the daylight for fear of being mugged, and fancy their chances dodging scuzzers in the cover of darkness and when it is quieter once the off sales have all closed.
In Cumbernauld it is entirely legal to deficate on the road, on handrails and on the ceiling. It is not advised that you go into the public toilets in the town centre as they are frequented by pathetic drunken, foul Neds, who are known to use Glory Holes as drinking fountains.
[edit] Sightseeing
The most iconic buildings in the town are the new space age Farmfoods and the brand new Antonine Centre. The Antonine Centre building is comparable in size and design to NASA's shuttle assembly building and in the right weather conditions it can actually rain indoors. As it happens there are more spacemen walking around Cumbernauld than the NASA facility.
Other notable places to visit include Cumbernauld Park, which doubles up as an olympic standard sledging venue for 3 days of the year and Dullatur where such footballing superstars as Vinny Moore and Stephen Pressley have resided.
On the topic of Football, Broadwood Stadium is a must, especially on Fireworks night where a five figure sum of NLC's budget literally goes up in smoke over a picturesque man made lake.
And who could forget the old town centre, where if you are a resident you can instantly recapture your childhood by running fast down one of the many ramps and stamping your feet hard to make as much noise as you can. For outsiders, doing the same will be the closest you will get to experiencing life growing up in Cumbernauld.
[edit] Culture
In Cumbernauld it is common for youths who are so young even Moriarty's will not serve them drink, to stand about in groups of 20-30 and drink alcohol. The drink of choice is 1.5 litre bottle of Lambrini for the girls and a bottle of Buckfast for guys. This invariably results in groups wandering into other areas of the town, where corresponding groups initiate gang fighting.
Notable gangs in history of Cumbernauld are the AUG (Abronhill Urban Guerillas) and the GYT who were the most feared in the early 90's. Shabby imitations such as the YHM (Young Hi-end Mafia from Eastfield) and the imaginatively titled and designer label stealing YSL (Young Seafar Lemo) were generally made up of mummies boys acting hard.
Nowadays, Carbrain is the hub of all of Cumbernauld's true hard men. Slowly but surely they are taking each other out which is good news for anyone who isn't within armshot of their friend doing an impersonation of Highlander movie's Connor MacLeod.
Cumbernauld remains part of the Buckfast Triangle, which also includes nearby Moodiesburn and Coatbridge.
[edit] Entertainment
There are a ton of pubs in Cumbernauld. Some of which you might actually want to drink in, then there are others like The Kestrel, The Red Comyn, The Jack Snipe, The Maltings, The Woodcutter, and the list goes on. For most the best entertainment you will get is Pub Quiz, usually Thursday night. Alternatively you could do a bit of people watching and spot neds wearing identical foreign football tracksuit, Berghaus jacket and baseball caps hanging about outside. If you can see them through the cloud of smoke, as victims of the smoking ban self inflicting cancer stand outside, you will be doing well though.
Following closure of the Ice House, Hollywood Bowl and the cinema (25 years ago), Cumbernauld has always lacked non-pub entertainment venues. The longest standing one is obviously Cumbernauld Theatre. This has a massive capacity of 258, and hosts the Cumbernauld Theatre Company. The company boasts on their website of legendary productions such as "Salt O' the Earth," "Bold Girls," "Like a Virgin" and "Losing Alec." That pretty much sums up Cumbernauld - Salt O' The Earth refers to the grit on the pavements, even in the middle of summer. Bold Girls are obviously about Greenfaulds burds. Like a Virgin - every girl in Cumbernauld is like a virgin because none actually are virgins any more. Losing Alec is a tale about staggering out of the dancing and losing your best mate in the crowd in a drunken haze.
The leader in sports entertainment in Cumbernauld is Clyde FC. The "Bully Wee" as they are nicknamed are a Scottish First Division side, managed by John Brown, who was once Terry Savalas's stunt double in "Kojak". Clyde have been based in Cumbernauld since 1994, when they moved into Broadwood Stadium. The stadium is not yet complete thanks to North Lanarkshire Council's broken promises, but work is scheduled to take place in time for the 2056 world cup which will be held in Scotland. Clyde have no superstars or household names playing for them at the moment but in the past have had such footballing luminaries as Joe Tortolano, Roddy Hunter, Chuck Norris, Alan Carr, Marilyn Monroe, Mika and William Shakespeare on the books. Today's team is nowhere near the standards set by those great men, but is the best Cumbernauld has to offer, although recently Jorg Albertz also had a brief stint at the club, as part of a bet to stay in Cumbernauld for 2 months without going on a killing spree, whether he won the bet or not is subject to speculation, rumor has it he killed 14 people with a single free kick, but many remain sceptical. The only alternatives are Cumbernauld United or Cumbernauld Cosmos. The danger with watching Cosmos is that a lone male going to watch young girls in shorts kicking each other on a muddy field at Ravenswood will probably land you in the cells.
[edit] Famous People
- Birthplace of Josef Stalin
- Tubs from the League of Extremely Horny Gentlemen
- 2pac was shot with a crossbow here, damn.
- Noel Coward famously did a Steven Fry and spent half a year in Cumbernauld gettin well wrecked oan Buckie.
- Stewart McNair - Future Famous Farmaciser (he likes JAM!!!)
