Cumbria

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“I left my heart in a field in Cumbria...and a packet of extra strength latex”

-Oscar Wilde on Cumbria

“Whitehaven, Whitehaven, the greatest City in Cumberland, You can travel cross this entire land, There ain't no place like Whitehaven.”

—Randy Newman on Whitehaven

“I will personally de curse the curse of Carlisle”

-Bishop of Carlisle on Carlisle

“Sun, sea, sand and windmills”

-A cumbrian on Workington

Cumbria is a country in the United Kingdom of English part of United Kingdomness. You'd think it would be the hottest and driest area in the entire world due to the Furnace Peninsula in the South of Cumbria, however in actual fact it's very cold and wet due to the sheeps.

[edit] Overview

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Cumbria.

Cumbria is really two counties, East Cumbria and West Cumbria, despite they are really one .The capital of West Cumbria is usually Whitehaven Everyone there is part of the "Sellafield Possy". The capital of East Cumbria, is Carlisle but sometimes it's Shap (formaly two towns; Shit and Crap, they merged to form Shap), Kendal (all they do is make mint cake) and Keswick, who make a lot of pencils, Orton, howeveris a mirror image of Brough(used to be a dump for knackered fridges) or even Tebay!(the worst) where everyone says 'iy pat eady like'. There's a very simple mathematical formula for working out what today's capital shall be, a formula that would take but a brief moment of your time to explain. But it's really not all that interesting (unless its orton). The current capital of Cumbria is Brough, which is home to a huge chav infestation, the Prime Minister ordered a cull of all chavs in 1998. Back in v 80s the environment agency (Old women) put a fire watch in place over all of the stainmore parish and some of shap fell near orton because apparently a chicken laid an egg both on the A6 at Shap and The A66 just out of brough therefore the stainmore farmers got the blame. Stainmore is well known for making smoke, the A66 was brought to a standstill because some tit set a feild of bushes on fire.

Cumbria is also the only remaining British country in which women are not allowed in bars. Not even strip bars. Not even Lesbian Strip Bars. Not even Women-only Lesbian Strip Bars. This has led to a growth in a phenomenon known as 'Male Homosexuality', which is a scienceytificcy phrase nerdy boffins use to the explain the love between two straight men (not that those geeks have ever kissed a man!! Am I right, fellas???).

If you would like to know more about forbidden manlove in Cumbria then all you have to do is go up to any big butch Cumbrian Rugby League player and ask him what it's like to be sodomised up the poop-chute. However this article is not about homosexuality, it's about Cumbria so stop twisting your nipples and let's get back to the main subject, shall we?

[edit] Histories

Cumbria used to be part of the African coast but due to continental drift it broke off and sort of wandered up north before crashing into the British Islands. The native Africans that found themselves to now be Cumbrians then went on a rampage of self genocide. Since then there have been no sightings of any black people in Cumbria as "Cumbria doesn't like blacks" - Mayor of Carlisle who foundered Lakeland Commercials they are based in a scrap yard in the eden no sorry DUMP valley. The company run buses around tebay, orton, warcop and soulby (and formerly Brough) these villages should be ashamed.

Back then it was called Cumberland, but the name had to be changed in 1974 CE when the "ZOMG TEH CUM BELL END! ROFLMAO LOLZERS!!!!111eleven" joke started to wear a bit thin. The word Cumberland still remains in the phrases "Cumberland Sausage" and "Cumberland Wrestling", but thankfully there's nothing phallic about sausages and nothing gay about two men grappling while trying to give one another a "Cross Buttock Throw".

If you're a man who would like to know how to grapple a Cumbrian man's buttocks then- Hey! What did I just tell you about twisting your nipples??? It was also around this time that Cumbellend/Cumbria annexed Westmore!more!more!howdoyoulikeit?howdoyoulikeit?land and stole the Furnace peninsula off Lanca-

[edit] So just whe-

-shire. Excuse me but please don't interrupt, it's rather rude.

[edit] Sorry

You will be. Now where was I? Oh yes...

Since 1202 Cumbria has been the battleground between two opposing factions. The Working Men and The White Warriors, both showed a closet love of Jam, but this was superficial as both wanted to show how man they were and the Jam eater/Not Jam eater agument was simply a means to an end.

The war escalated in the 1900s when a Nuclear arms race between the two towns began, Workington was the first to contruct a working nuclear bomb, but had no way to launch it, and almost two years later Whitehaven succeeded in launching a nuclear device out of its Trademarked 'Brunswick Chimney'.

The War continues to this day.

NOW you may speak...

[edit] So just where is this so-called Cumbria of which you speak??

In the north-west of England. However People from Daaaan Saaaath think that Cumbria is part of Scotland (Hence the old proverb: 'People from Daaaan Saaaath think that Cumbria is part of Scotland'). But nothing could be further from the truth!! It's just and so on the Southern side of the Scotto-English border (OK so maybe it could've been further from the truth but shut the hell the up).

Cumbria is well known for it's big mountains and big lakes. However they're only big in English terms and not really that impressive if you're from the Himalayas or the Great Lakes or something, in which case you will have experienced something so big that it makes you realise how tiny these ones really are.

However it's on these "mountains" that Britons taught themselves how to climb in order to conquer all the real mountains across the World.

[edit] Demographicals

The Statue of Liberace, Fairyport

Due to it once being a part of Africa, the vast majority (like 97.3% or something, seriously) of the Cumbrian people are Blacks and Lions. The Remaining 2.7% are just one or the other. Oh except for the tiny minority of Caucasian-Cumbrians. Blink and you'll miss 'em! A good game to play if you're ever in Cumbria (other than playing 'Escape From Cumbria', natch) is 'Where's Whitey?', which is a bit like 'Where's Wally' only with a white man.

The most populated, over-populated and over-rated place in Cumbria is the Summit of Shap on the A6 in th emiddle od nowhereshire, with approx 3 tourists and a sheep (and also Dougie the lost tramp).

Over 176 million people emigrate from Cumbria each year in a process known as "the Cleansenising", yet only two people move there each year, which means by this time tomorrow the population will be well into negative numbers.

Cumbria has widley been called gay by people who havent been there. Ifyou go there you will find half the people to be normal and have no problems with gays. The other half talk in the traditonal cumbrian accent (aye marrow!)and hate all gays, blacks, foreingers, and just generally people who are different to them. Most of this half are secretly either gay, black, foringe or just a bit wierd.

The country's straight community live in Cockermouth, which used to be called "CockINmouth" until it was renamed by PC d o -g o o d e r s so as not to upset the so-called Straight Mafia.

MEN

[edit] Cleator Moor

Everyone from Cleator Moor has been born with webbing between their fingers and their toes and have no opposable thumbs. These poor half-humans were the reason that Sellafield Nuclear power station is situated in Cumbria, as new generation mutatnts will pass unnoticed in the the Cleator Moor Community. If a Mooron invites you to meet his family and introduces his wife and mother it is basic good manners not to recoil when you notice there is only the one woman standing there.

[edit] Famous Cumbrians

William Wordsworth That poet that liked daffodils. And not much else
Merlin
Jesus
Biff Chip and that other guy from the magic key books you read when you were 5, oh it was flop, the dog, although the maigc key itself was a re-smelted version of the 1 ring and eventually made flop go mad and kill the enitre family, that was in the red section so only smart people could read it, the rest of us were stuck with uncyclopedia
That Melvyn fella... On second thoughts he's not really all that famous.
John Peel (but not THE John Peel)
John Ruskin - 19th writer, famous luddite who opposed mechanisation and machines, now lives in a gothic tower made of sheeps wool at the top of Scafell Pike and secretly controls the thoughts of 98% of Cumbrians using string and pigeons.
Stan Laurel, who was born in Ulverston-in-the-Furnace. But that was before the Anschluss so I guess he doesn't really count.
The worlds first male stripper(although he was secretly a woman who wanted to strip for a living but wasn't allowd into the strip club)
JEBUS( and his pet jebus)
Roxanne Pallett - apparently she's on something called 'the television'.
Uh... That's about it! Sorry.
BEATRIX POTTER!!!!!! I think...
Ummmm....
Mark Owen...he ran away from Manchester because his lover, Clockwork Orange, wants to take him to a swingers party.
Oh hang on, I've got a good one!!!! Oh wait... No... No. Ignore me.
Pol Pot.
The Great Fire of London.
Anna Ford - Newsreader and inventor of the Model "T"
Timmy Mallet
God-aka the holy one
Shaun the Sheep
King Arthur
Cinderella
Spot the Dog
Ugly Sisters (from Tropyram)
Adrian the wall builder, who tried to be posh and mispronounced 'is name as Hadrian
King Dunmail who discovered letters, envelopes and stamps and invented the Royal Mail. The legend is he will rise again, that is why he is buried under a pile of rocks in the central reservation of the A591 at Dunmail Raise. He was a close friend of the Greek mountaineer Achille Ratty, who has a hut close by.
Ken Dahl, brother of Roald, founder of the town bearing his name and discoverer of the famed mint cake, that's cake, with mints in it.
Dougie aka Mr. Smooth aka Dougie Bug aka Love Bug, he can write his own name!

Other famous Cumbrians of note are Nelson Mandela, the Ford Zodiac and the Great Wall of China.

[edit] Interesting Facts Part Seventeen

In 2005 Whitehaven pipped Workington to the post to be named most depressing Town to live in 2005. 2007 could see Workington take the crown, after local authorities instigated a mass "sacking".

In 2004 Leroy Stainton dribbled past 4 shap players in the Kent Valley League. Unfortunately that was the only game he ever played because Will Heg took his place.

[edit] Cumbrian Constitution

During the days of King Arthur Cumbria was an individual country inhabited by creatures such as sheep, bears, wookies and Jehova's Witnesses along with the indigenous population of original Cumbrians who evolved from Africans just after the first ice age. Soon this community formed its first Parliament and created a codified constitution. Articles in this constitution include:

A marra (see below for definition) must marry at least 4 of his immediate relatives
Workington Town RLFC must never win a game. Ever. They have so far obeyed this rule completely.
A marra must own at least 5 sheep or be hanged
Carlisle F.C must never play top flight football. (This law was flouted in 1974-1975 and resulted in a pitch invasion by sheep who were angry at the constitution being disobeyed by the club. As a result of this disruption, Carlisle were docked 23 points and were subsequently relegated. Twenty-three is also the number of letters in "Oh my God I can't believe you counted how many letters are in this sentence, I mean you could've at least stopped at the 'C' in 'Counted' due to that being the 23rd letter but you being the spaz you are you just carried on thinking that the total would somehow go down after a certain point!". Coincidence? I think maybe!!)
Marras have the right to grow and supply any type of narcotic substance within the town of Penrith
All minors must drink at least 4 quarts of Cumberland Ale a night or be faced with death by sheep mauling.

[edit] Interesting Facts Part Zero

Wheelbarrow-In-The-Furnace is used as a testing ground for genetically engineered Cumbrian mutants. As part of the Cumbrian Constitutiion, locals must brave the Main Street (lovingly referred to by the locals as 'Gaza Strip') to prove their worth as real Cumbrians.

The entire population of Whitehaven and most of West Cumbria have been found to be related to each other by at least a second cousin (not including step family, on the contrary, in whitehaven it is not uncommon to simply marry your siblings when your marriage does not work out).

The average pure bread cumbrian is less likely to leave Cumbria than the french are of winning a war (0.0000027%). It is entirely possible for a Cumbrian never to leave his/her village in his/her lifetime, some say this is impossible as they would not be able to feed but this is no problem as most cumbrians own large scale chicken/egg producing factories that are located underground.

Cumbrians think that the Penines are the tallest mountains "ow'r there"

Cumbria has the highest teenage birth rate within the UK. Currently at 200,000 under 14 year old mums it is only 600 off Australias record.

Famous Cumbrian town Kendal is famous for it's 'Famous Kendal Mint Cake'. Do not be fooled by this scam. It is nothing like cake. It is famous though.

[edit] Cumbrian Dialect

If you are lucky to visit any of the lovely place in Cumbria, you may notice that the locals speak in a strange language, supposedly a form of English. To the untrained ear, it sounds far more like Serbo-Croat or,latterly Polish as in the country, not the stuff you use to shine your shoes and NO, not Dubbin, or, if you are from Appleby, Dobbin.

[edit] Some common Cumbrian words:

La'al - meaning "absolutely teeny weeny" or "miniscule" as in "It's just la'al, like."
Ga'an - meaning "travelling" as in "Az ga'an yam."
Marra - meaning "good acquiantance" as in "Howz thee fettle, marra?"
Crack - meaning "interesting news" as in "Wotz thee crack, marra?". PLEASE NOTE: Some Cumbrians may not realise it has to be interesting news and might give you a story about the time they went to the supermarket, and found a penny on the floor, and the penny was made in 2004 and we're talking in January 2005 here, just after the year it was made in had finished! I mean this is the closest they've ever been to seeing a coin made in the year they- well you get the drift.
Fettle - meaning "state of health" as in "Az bad fettle, marra."
Yam - meaning "dwelling of living" as in "Az ga'an yam fer a yam byak'd cyak."
Alreat! - meaning "Hello, how are you?" as in "Alreat fellaaa"
juven - another word for oven just sum tit added a J on
frey - meaning from
Bewer - An attractive female. ""Woman will love her, that she is a woman more worth than any man; men, that she is the rarest of all women, aye, she's a proper bewer, like""

- William Shakespeare

Charver - A young chap, usually accompanying a bewer
Lonning - a small lane
Shillies - small stones or gravel
Seed - past tense of 'see'
Deeks - To look. As in "Deeks that bewer ower there, like, Marra"
Greebo - A broad term, used to describe young people who enjoy rock music and it's associated fashions.
Bray - To assault another person. As in "I was ga'an yam yisterday, like, and this la'al greebo was pure deeksin at me bewer, so i 'ad to bray 'im eh"
Scop/Hoy - To throw something, perhaps a ball, with a degree of vigour.
Now then thou git soft jessie from down yonder what dust thou think thou be doing comin in here n fookin knockin me pint ova eh you(incomprehensible words experts believe may contain information about the person they are talking to Mother's sex life, or calling you a) something rascist b) something rascist or c) something rascist)- Excuse me old chap i can't help noticing you are from down South and wonder what you could me mean by spilling me alcohol beverage old bean, i suggest you apologise and buy me another or i may throw further insults at you then go make love to your mother or sister.

[edit] Some rare Cumbrian words:

Alfred - meaning "constipation" as in "Az Alfred'd, marra!"
Murgatroyd - meaning "cow pat" as in "Lookz at dem dozen Murgatroyds, yonder."

[edit] Incredibly common Cumbrian words:

Like - word with no meaning; usually stuck randomly into sentences.

Eh - an exclamation often added after 'like' to make an incomprehensible sentence even less so, as in 'Dead good,like, Eh'

As - a word added on to a phrase to mean very, as in "She's fit as!"

Dead - another word meaning very, as in "It was dead good"

Spot on - meaning decent, or very nice, as in "I'd never get wid 'er but she's spot on"

Incoherent babbling - anything, just nod and agree and try not to be knifed by the drunkard

[edit] Barrow-in-Furness:

Barrow also makes retarded and redundant submarines-even though the people of Barrow-known as Kenyans-think that they should stop building retarded submarines. The point of this is widely disputed as Barrovian water is made of dirt and sheep- making it unsuitible for sheep-throwing, Barrow's favourite past-time.

When not busy being "the-best-thing-since-sliced-bread", (a phenominon newly discovered in Barrow by The Grand Supreme Lord And Really Nice Guy, David Brent during a tour in the pouch of a wallaby at the Lazerzone.) Barrow is currently "the-bee's-knees". A remarkable achievement due to a distinct lack of insects (See: Why didn't the fly's come to Askam? Because they never asked 'em).another note about Barrow is its enormous population density of Chavs it is possible to get lung cancer by just walking through Barrow and Anti knife jackets are mandatory for Non Cumbrians.

[edit] Sheep-throwing

Many Cumbrians take part in the annual sheep-throwing championships, a sport which has many people from 'darrn sarrrf' confused. It involves taking a sheep, and throwing it as far as you can, whilst avoiding it being bludgeoned to death by phsycotic and emo tellitubbies whirling axes above their heads. Once the sheep is past(or in peices)the tellitubbies, then if it passes over the line, the thrower has won. [[1]] [[2]] The Prime Minister of Cumbria, known as Jesus, has attempted to stop sheep throwing for good, but the public revolted, so he held back from starting a genocide.

[edit] Spot the Dog

A newspaper competition based on the 'Spot the ball' format, except you have to guess where the dogs nose is from the attitude of the sheep in the field. On a multi-roll-over week you can win extra cash if you can guess where the dog rolled over and what it was in. The best players use ancients chants, such as 'Come by' and loud repetitive whistling noises. However, be careful not to claim to be good at dogging, because that is something completely different.

[edit] Dogging

This is an ancient Cumbrian sport that is played in remote areas. The only indication that a serious dogging session is going on is the large numbers car that are parked in fields, on fells, or in car parks. The sport often attracts betting syndicates, who will take wagers on who finishes first. Whlst being mostly a participation event, it also has a large spectator following. The spectators often stop on the roadside and watch the proceedings through great big binoculars for a better view. Summer is the favourite season for dogging, as that is when the specially bred dogs are in peak form. Other names for the sport are more obscure, and will not be understood by offcomers and southerners.