Cure for Cancer
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“I have just discovered the cure for Cancer. . . Psyche! ”
~ Some scientist
The Cure for Cancer is one of the three unaccomplishments of science. Despite brazillions of dollars donated for research over the past thousand years, scientists still have yet to develop a cure for cancer. It is widely believed that the funds going to cancer research are being laundered by the scientific community to support other programs such as space lasers, hijacking nuclear weapons, funding the mathmagicians and other devious methods of world conquest. Some people have believed that Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer, but all atempts up to this point at making Chuck Norris cry have failed.
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[edit] Early Days of Cancer
Cancer was first developed in 5000 BC by the Greek Gods as a practical joke they could play on unwitting humans. The joke wore off quickly though, and the Gods got tired of it. Being too proud to destroy their creation, the Greek Gods stored cancer up inside a little box and hid it away somewhere on earth where they thought nobody would ever find it.
The Greek Gods hadn't expected the appearance of one figure feard by all, Oprah Winfrey. She hired an army and had it search the entire world until they found the location of the box containing cancer. It ended up being found in an African giftshop, along with the body of Jimmy Hoffa and the Holy Grail, (in both platinum and limited editions). Oprah immediately released cancer upon the world, and it is slowly eating away at us all.
[edit] What Scientists Do Instead
Scientists sit around discovering new things that cause cancer. In one recent report, a scientist concluded that common things that cause cancer include cell phones, the collar up on your shirt, listening to your iPod, everything, reading this very sentence and buying a school lunch. The report warned that if you buy your lunch at school while listening to your iPod with you collar up, your skin will disintegrate from cancer and your insides will a splode. Anybody near the innards combustion is also guaranteed to die of cancer in the next two minutes. Some people were skeptical of the results, but withheld their criticisms when they discovered that criticizing cancer research is a leading cause of cancer.
[edit] Types of Cancer
[edit] Colon Cancer
This is a cancer that infects the colon grammatical character (":"). It is a growth on the lower dot that causes the unforunate colon to develop into what is sometimes known as a semicolon (";"). Once the growth becomes rather sizeable, the semicolon becomes unable of finding its correct place in a sentence. Semicolons will often inadvertently add themselves into areas were a simple period or a comma followed by either and or but would do;
[edit] Melanoma
Though melanoma had long been believed to be a form of skin cancer, that theory was proven wrong by Peter Griffin who revealed that melanoma was actually just fancy talk for "sexified."
[edit] Ovarian Cancer
Ovarian cancer was developed by Napoleon Dynamite as a Valentine's Day gift for his wife, Trish. He thought he had created a new kind of chocolate with a secret ingredient that managed to make it great tasting and less filling. Though it did, in fact, assist his wife in losing weight, Napoleon was disappointed that it eventually killed her. you can also receive this form of cancer if you have eaten an explosive cricket with rabies.
[edit] Theories
Some renegade scientists have speculated that the main cause of increased cancer rates, is the contraction of cancers, from this theory, the hypothesis that not contracting cancer would lead to a 100% prevention rate has be drawn. Mr. T, when asked about his opinion on the matter, suggested that he pitied the fool who was gonna die, Mr. T later contracted cancer.
[edit] Times in History Where a Cure for Cancer was found
[edit] 52 B.C. In Gaul
In Gaul (modern day France) the Gauls (also known as the Celts, which derived their name from celtics, an American basketball team in Boston) discoverd a cure for cancer, it was their greatest achievement since they conquered and destroy Atlantis in the last Electron War some time earlier. Unfortunately, the Romans that same year conquered the Gaul city where the cure was found, they subsequently enslaved all the scientists who were celebrating Quit Your Job Day and were unprepared. The Romans enslaved the Gaul scientists and made them work on their evil capitalist farms, so the Cure for Cancer was lost to history.
[edit] July 14, 1099 In Jerusalem
The cure was found again in Jerusalem at the end of the First Crusade in the morning. This was a cure so powerful that it would also have been able to cure many viruses, most notably STD's, too. Unfortunalty, later that afternoon the Chritians had succeeded in their siege and broke through the walls, killing every man, woman, and child, whether they were christian, jew or muslim. This bloodshed, sadly, killed the prophets who had just gotten the cure. The Christians could have easily gotten the cure in the temple where it was discorvered, but Christians don't believe in mutations, cells, or biology for that matter; so they destroyed all the work the researchers did.
[edit] August 6, 1945 In Hiroshima, Japan
Japanese scientists just managed to create a cure for cancer early in the morning at about 7:30. Unfortunately for the Japanese, who were still fighting World War II the atomic bomb was dropped at about 8:15 am in Hiroshima, dooming the Cure to be lost to history yet again.
[edit] The Other Two Unaccomplishments of Science
[edit] See Also;
 | Cancer Made Easy |
| Cancer - Cancer (beverage) - Cancer porn - Clap for Cancer - Cure for Cancer - HowTo:Cure Cancer - Malignant Cancer - Semicolon Cancer - UnNews:Breathing may lead to cancer - UnNews:Local cancer loses battle with woman - Why?:Cancer is Great |
