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Fed Announces New Lending Plan
WASHINGTON - In an effort to prolong and worsen our economic woes, U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke said Tuesday that the Fed will issue new rules next week aimed at ensuring they have a monopoly on shady lending practices. "People can't be trusted to spend their money poorly on their own," Bernanke said today at a press conference on Capitol Hill. "We want to spend it badly for them."
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McCain Restarts Campaign
DES MOINES, Iowa - After months of trailing Barack Obama in the polls, John McCain has begun a campaign shakeup by firing his entire staff for a second time and launching a bold new strategy. Shortly after being appointed, McCain's new manager Steven Schimdt said that McCain was "not able to sufficiently capitalize on the months of democratic party infighting" between Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. "We are simply asking for Hillary Clinton to re-enter the race and give us a second chance," he continued. "I don't think it's too much to ask for a do-over."
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Two Day Outlook
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a 1% chance of
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hail
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an 11% chance of
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flooding
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a 0% chance of
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elephants
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Suggested Recreation
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| The other day, we suggest nude camping.
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Global Warming Indicator
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A clog occurred at Niagara Falls late yesterday, causing the world's largest case of irritable bowel syndrome.
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