Custard blankets

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Custard blankets were officially the best form of blanket in 2001, according to reliable sources.
They make you all sticky and they taste very good.

"I thought about it,
and custard was too perfect
as a category of a blanket,
and so I wept for a little."

- John 4:10

[edit] You Too Can Have A Custard Blanket!

“Mmmm, so rich and smooth and yellow. Warm and sweet, yet soft and yielding! Custard me, blanketboy!”

~ Fran Drescher on Custard Blankets

There are three basic steps that must be followed in the production of a sufficiently custardy blanket:

Step 1. Find some custard.

Step 2. Find a blanket.

Step 3. Coat blanket with custard.

Please note that you may want to place an insulating layer of custard between you and the blanket in order to maximize the custardiness.
Hell, do away with the blanket and just smother yourself in custard.

[edit] Extra Steps for the Bored or Adventurous

Step 4a. (Optional) Add ladyfingers over your bedsprings for a tiramisu mattress. Add liqueur when ready.

Step 4b. (Prank) Pour sugar onto a friend's blanket and use a blowtorch! He'll appreciate the creme brulee customization.

Step 4c. (A trifle pimpin') Add ladyfriends and liquor.

Step 4d. (Idiotic) Add locusts and killer bees to accentuate the sweetness of the blanket.

[edit] Benefits of the Custard Blanket

• You will not have to get up when hungry.
• You will wake up moisturized and a lovely shade of yellow.
• You will become especially qualified for Operation Dessert Storm.
• You will sleep in creamy, creamy, creamy, creamy, creamy, custardy comfort.

[edit] Drawbacks of the Custard Blanket

• You can never sleep with the custard blanket without a chinchilla, or similar South American rodent. These hairy, bitter-tasting rodents are required to counter the pure smooth sweetness of the custard blanket. Experiments with custard blankets in the past have found that chinchilla-free use can lead to extreme happiness poisoning, mania, death, and the squits.

• The custard blanket is dry-clean only. Observe all cleaning instructions. You don't want to know what a custard blanket can do to gum up a washing machine if you do not follow the instructions on the tag to the letter.

WARNING: There is a significant risk that you may die of some hitherto-undiscovered custard-related disease or malaise.
Don't feel bad. You had a custard blanket.

[edit] Origins of the Custard Blanket

The custard blanket was invented by the U.S. Defense Department in preparation for World War 3. Thanks to time travel, it has become a widely known fact that the only remaining heat source in the 23rd century (following the Sunscreen Crisis of 2189) is the Michael Jackson court case. The added insulation of the custard will, in theory, prevent future soldiers from freezing to death on the frozen battlefront of Iraq and the future country of just plainly, The Republic. For now, custard blankets are in beta.

[edit] Electric Custard Blanket

There are many new and exciting possibilities for custard blankets. Electrification, for example, has shown promising results under controlled laboratory conditions. Theoretically, any standard custard blanket can be retrofitted with electric enhancements; all that is required is some copper wire and an AC power point. Electric custard blankets should not be used in production environments, however, as they are unstable, and are in the alpha stage of development.