Cwmbrân
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Cwmbrân was a new town, conceived by the New Towns Act of 1946 in order to house unwanted vermin overspill from Newport, Cardiff and Bristol, a plan which intended to plug areas of void and anti-matter with matter, although time has taught us that Cwmbran doesn't matter at all. Literally translated its name means 'The valley of the shadow of death, yea though I walk through' and it is twinned with the Swedish town of AllBrân.
Cwmbrânistanis, as the town's population are called, were sucked into the void that once cut Gwent in two in the same way that a vacuum cleaner sucks, and the process is still evident in the accent, just as white noise is still visible on television screens (particularly between 9:00am and 5.00 pm). Some would argue that Cwmbrân still sucks.
The landscape is varied and Cwmbrân offers views of both plastic factories and chemical factories which Cwmbrânistanis see as being the norm. This is due to their inability to escape the town to see other towns, mainly because of the one-way system.
There are plans to improve Cwmbrân by teaching the residents that they 'could be worse off' and that they should 'count their blessings,' as they could just as easily live in Pill, or Ringland. Classes will be held at the Cwmbrân Workingmens Hall (a telephone box) where the Mayor of Cwmbrân, Mr. Marilyn Manson, will shout very loudly and crudely at Cwmbrânistanis until they cheer up. If they fail they will be tortured using the Cwmbrân tribal punishment of throwing pointy paper planes at their faces for 24 hours.
Cwmbrânistanis are, therefore, lulled into the belief that they live in a nice place and not the shithole that it is in reality.
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[edit] Information
- Population: 111 - All related and engage in the most outrageous acts of incest.
- Habitat: semi-detatched smoke-damaged houses in the shade of chimneys and hoppers.
- Diet: McDonalds, Pot Noodle and Lager.
- Appearance: pale, gaunt, sickly - generally mugger-friendly.
- Aspirations: to be lower middle-class.
- Musical taste: None.
[edit] Famous Books by Cwmbrân Authors
- "Beautiful Cwmbrân For The Blind" (braille edition)by Blind Pugh
- "The I-Spy Book Of Ram-raiding" by Seeing Pugh
- "Cwmbrân: It's Not The End Of The World" by Four Horsemen With Epoxy Lips
- "The Playboy Book Of Gorgeous Cwmbrân Girls" (one-sided A5 sheet - mostly ads - now out of print)
- "Suck My Spleen If You Can Find It" by Carey Hunt
[edit] Shopping
The town centre is reknowned as being the worst in Europe. Depressed people come here to wallow in their ailment and buy a cup of tea from one of the many tramp cafés. There is a good crematorium next to MacDonalds and the pub opposite does a very good charcoal grill, but supply is not consistent - they tend to have more in the winter months.
[edit] Climate
The shopping centre is the coldest place on Earth, and is reflected in the dead expressions of the people who roam around it, in a never-ending circuit, eating sausage rolls and Big Macs from the mac shop.
[edit] Famous Cwmbrânistanis
- Fanny Craddock
- Fanny By Gaslight
- Myfanwy Jones
- Jones The Steam
- Mickey The Slate-Miner (has never worked)
- Matthew Amrolliwallirolliwallah
- Horlicks the Clown (always in the shadow of his more famous brother).
