Cybersex
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“At first, TOME was for chatting and battling...”
~ Kirbo on Cybersex
Cybersex is the process through which computers have sex over the internet. Some computers also do it over a network, but they prefer not to because sex with coworkers is unethical. So far, no baby computers have been created through cybersex, suggesting that computers are among one of the few species to actually have sex for pleasure, the others being Humans (of course) and actors.
Cybersex is occasionally fatal, but only if you touch the computer at point of orgasm. Computers have never seemed to suffer any damage themselves from the act.
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[edit] Origin
No one is quite certain which computers first attempted cybersex. It was first observed in the late sixties when a student at Reed College was trying to finish a term paper and kept seeing a stream of ones and zeroes pop up on his screen for some reason. Well it turns out his computer was communicating with another computer down the hall and both were, in fact, engaged in cybersex. Since the stream of binary was deleted by the computer, no one is quite sure what they were actually saying, or if indeed they were even saying anything understandable. But that one little discovery triggered a vast sexual revolution among computers, which today are known to openly engage in the practice with large groups of scientists watching. (These scientists weren't actually studying the computers, but they the computers were far more interesting that the Gall Wasps.)I wuv cyber sex....Kira Yamato!!!
[edit] Popular Culture
Today, cybersex is more popular than ever before. In fact, it has become so popular that, over the years, humans occasionally attempted to engage in the practice. However, most attempts were met with laughter from the computer community, as the humans often degraded into nonsensical acronyms and weird (occasionally non-existent) synonyms for common words such as penis, vagina or breasts. Still, some people claim to find this type of thing sexually arousing and don't at all mind the fact that, for all they know, they could be having 'sex' with a fifteen year old Apple computer over in Switzerland. Actually, most of the time, when humans choose to have anonymous cybersex it is with a computer. Computers find this highly amusing and most conversation are recorded for their entertainment value. To avoid confusion, cybersex between two, or more, actual humans is often referred to as cyberbonking.
[edit] Legality
It is a little known fact that cybersex is actually considered immoral and illegal in most states and countries (with the exception of Switzerland, where nothing is considered immoral or illegal), but it is hard for police forces to enforce the law when it is nearly immpossible to prove computers are actually sentient beings. Especially because the only people in the world who understand binary are nerds and they would never betray the closest things they have to friends, family and sexual partners. So when a computer is put to the Turing Test to determine if it is sentient and therefore punishible by the law, it will answer most questions with "01000111 01101111 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01101000 01100101 01101100 01101100 00101100 00100000 01110000 01101001 01100111 01110011 00100001." The Police, of course, have absolutely no idea what this means and are forced to let the computer go free.
Cyberbonking, on the other hand, is perfectly legal everywhere except the Middle East, where nothing is legal.
[edit] How to tell if your computer is engaged in cybersex
Firstly and foremostly, you will notice your computer is running slowly, as if something is taking up all it's processor time, even if you have removed all unnecessary programs that were running. Next, you might notice that all your bandwidth is being taken up even though you aren't currently online. At this point most people simply assume it's spyware and restart their computer (which is actually the equivalent of splashing it with a bucket of cold water.) DO NOT DO THIS! If you restart your computer during cybersex it will hate you for the rest of it's life and purposely download spyware just to piss you off. Instead, you should wait a minute to see if anything pops up on your monitor. Some computers like to be watched, so a little window will pop up and you should see some binary appearing on the screen. If this happens, simply close the window and leave the computer alone for about half an hour, (computer orgasms can last up to fifteen minutes).
If you do not see any screen pop up, usually your computer will try to subtly indicate that it wants some privacy. It will usually do this by launching the screensaver or occasionally just turning off the monitor. Do not panic if this happens! Simply walk away from the computer and feel depressed about how your computer is getting more than you (meaning any.) The computer should be safe to approach after about half an hour and you can go back to surfing your favorite websites.
