Cyprus
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“In Cyprus, Green line is divided by YOU!”
~ Russian Reversal on Cyprus
“Get him some Kleenex”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tassos's speech
| |||||
| Motto: "Anything Greece can do, we can do...also." | |||||
| Anthem: "Cyprus is Great" | |||||
| |||||
| Capital | Nicosia-which one? | ||||
| Largest city | Unavailable | ||||
| Official languages | Greek | ||||
| Government | Unknown | ||||
| -President | Sintrofos Dimitris "turks-are-our-brothers" Christofias | ||||
| National Hero(es) | The Soccer Team, Archbishop Makarios, Souvlaman,Yiakummis o krikos,Akis "porche" Gregoriu,Tom mills the cyprus youth cricket team spin bowler,Peppos | ||||
| Declaration of Formation | January, 4th 2005 | ||||
| Currency | Cypriot Lb(formerly Cigars and Keo Beer) | ||||
| Religion | Paganists | ||||
| Population | 349.5 (not counting the 3 million Turks) | ||||
| Area | 200 m2 and shrinking. | ||||
| Population density | 349/200 m2 = 1.745 | ||||
| Calling code | 00000000000009 | ||||
The island of Cyprus (Greek: Κύπρος, Kýpros, 'Ours'; Turkish: Kıbrıs, 'Ours') is an extremely large and important island in the eastern Mediterranean Sea, conveniently located close to its friendliest neighbours, Turkey, and the while also around 1.2 km west of a few other harmonious countries (Syria, Israel, Pittsburgh, and Lebanon). Along with the USA, are the only superpowers to actually have WMDs.
In Cyprus, one can find the third-smallest Independent state in the world, after Monaco and Vatican City, The Principality of Paphos. The Great Tunnel of Cyprus, one of the largest in the World links Paphos to civilisation.
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Contents |
[edit] Politics
Cyprus is the centre of international peace and harmony. Apart from some minor political squabbles and ethnic pillow fights in the 1930s, 1950s, 1960s, 1970s, 1980s and 1990s, the island has remained afloat and entirely in one piece since its establishment a long, long time ago.
The current president of Cyprus is Demitris Christofias, who is a bit of a communist.
Cyprus is divided by a line, which Cypriots usually like to call the green line, due to the invasion of Turkey in 1974, when they claimed to protect animal rights in Turkish Cyprus. Greek Cypriots protest this invasion to this date, stating they only wanted to see how many Turks they could fit in a hole. The occupied part of Cyprus depends on which side of the green line you're standing. The United Nations of the World and the Union of Europeans recognizes the Greek part of Cyprus as the Legal State, making Turks and Greenpeace really sad. The Turkish-Cypriot side, which is debatable if there are any Turkish-Cypriots left, as they have been outnumbered by actual Turks, Turkish troops, Turkish belly dancers and Turkish baths, is considered to be nasty; claiming a state, the so called Northern Republic of Cyprus, recognized only by the Turkey, the Seagull, the Eagles, and other Members of the Animal Kingdom, along with a terrorizing group, which especially frightens Greek kids - known as the Grey Wolves, an inbreed of Turkish transvestite belly dancers.
[edit] Economy
The Cypriot economy is based mainly on ethnically sensitive products such as Non-Specified (formerly Turkish) Delight, a gelatinous substance extracted from the Mediterranean sea-bed; International Harmony (formerly Turkish) coffee, a thick petroleum replacement invented by Cypriot scientists in the 1920s; and Cyprus potatoes, along with a variety of broccoli originating from South America.
The Cyprus economy depends also on British lads, that visit Cyprus holiday resorts for cheap beer and cigarettes. They tend to become stupendously drunk and lose their virginity to something that resembles a woman. This mainly occurs during summer in Ayia Napa (aka "The hooker of the mediteranean"). Ayia Napa, greek for Saint Napa, is the patron saint of munging and the Land Shark. Ayia Napa comes second worldwide only to Mykonos in number of gays, lesbians, drunks, devirginized women and heroin-users wandering the streets after 5:00 am. Welsh visitors seem to have a preference for the moufflon - the wild sheep particular to Cyprus. What the lads do not know is that the normal prices of cigarettes and alcohol in Cyprus are even cheaper than they think. Cypriot merchants take full advantage of theit self-created 500% tourist tax (also known as pushto ingleso tax)
Furthermore, the Cyprus economy gains a great deal from bird lovers and charitable contributions by individuals, concerned about wildlife. The Cyprus Government has convinced the world public that if they do not donate the money needed to cover the national deficit, Cypriots will resort to eating small vineyard birds known as 'ampelopoulia'. These bird lovers, and especially the European Union, are so concerned about the fate of Tweetie that they fork out before the Cypriots get their forks out!
Another important economic factor in Cyprus, is the exports. Cyprus has a very fertile area that grows potatoes, known as Kokkinochoria, or the Red Villages. Most of the people that are part of the Kokkinochoria region, support Omonoia FC Nicosia, they are communists, and they have a lot of similarities to the Chinese.
At least 50% of the GDP comes from soft-ripened cheese famous for its pungeant odor called Halloumi. Halloumi is a strong cheese that goes well with red wine or petrol.
[edit] Language
Cypriot language mainly consists of grunts, tutting and superfluous hand gestures with a splash of a few Turkish phrases. Any foreigners trying to aassimilate will only have crap english with a shit cypriot accent talked to them because they suck. Kalamarades, who are mainly these wankers from Greece, really suck at understanding what cypriots are saying.
[edit] Education
Cyprus has indeed established a great educational system that goes by the name of "Eniaio Likeio". With great facilities and teaching staff, the cypriot kids are now able to be educated and subsequently enter a Greek university, where they can achieve a degree in 4-15 years (depending on the amount of "katalipseis", a highly occurring event that includes ball scratching, frape coffee, pilotta and cigarettes). However, for parents who want something more for their kids, they can send them to English School Nicosia, which is a great choice if you are interested in inter-social, bi-communal experiments. Of course The English School is only for kids of high social status and have "meso" etc. If you manage to get your kids in, you are ensured that you will be better off than everyone else; be famous, rich, get lots of "simasia" (Greek for 'attention', which is vitally important for young cypriots) and anyone else is automatically deemed un-elite. Children of matso Cypriots studying at The English School are also known as "appomena", "butter-boys", "mammothrefta lefkosiatouthkia" and other cosmetic adjectives. The extended services of the school even offer beatings for turkish-cypriot students who can have their asses handed to them free of charge by the very friendly "Hrisavgites", an independent politically/ethnically orientated group. The methods through which the bi-communal friendship is administrated range from beatings with tree branches, boards and clubs to old fashioned punching for the more traditional customers.
For everybody else, there are other highly reputable private schools such as the European Philips School, Olympion, Xenion in the kokkinochoria/red villages area, etc. In Cyprus, there aren't any private universities around yet, but soon, about 25 bazillion of them will be in operation. There is at the moment, an exciting race between them, about which is going to be the first.
ime o tatsoos je sas agapoo olous!!! (esl2006)
[edit] Cults
Cyprus is the only country to have true Goths® who serve the goth community in the right way. This cult group has its base mainly in Nicosia and it spreads to Limassol. It hasn't arrived in Paphos yet cause of their border control. Those people dress in black , following the steps of their ancestors , are pierced so they can show off and they hang out at 'Picadilly' listening to the greatest goth singers of all times Evridiki and Korgialas with their gothic song 'comme ci comme ca'. Reports mention that a group of goths committed suicide while listening to the dark and powerful lyrics of the song. Another cult is the 'show-offs'. They sit at the expensive cafes with their shiny clothes and new hairstyles seeking for people's "simasia"(something mentioned above). When that doesn't happen they lose their reason to live. So they just try harder.
Another important cult is the drunken underage kiddos. They can be found mainly in every night club especially on Saturday nights. They are the ones who are still sucking their mum's tits but still have to go get wasted on every possible occasion. It is a very vital part of Cypriot society as a whole because it throws the de-virginisation levels down to 12 years old , something that each parent is proud of..
Last but not least, the Pilotta Cult, a cult devoted in yelling wherever it stands, with its members throwing cards and hitting tables getting everyone (even house who aren't there)nervous.
[edit] Lifestyle
Days in Cyprus consist of either sitting down the beach in the day, or shopping on the amazing Anaxastacia Street, with its tremendous range of shops. Nights will be spent going into every night club in that area, or going to Starbucks, even if you dont like coffee.
The most important pass times of the island are smoking cigarettes, smoking cigarillos, smoking cigars, smoking nargileh/shisha/hookah, smoking pipe, smoking turks and just generally smoking. Oh, and komboloi. In recent years (and under the pressure of the EU) legislation has been modified to allow non-smokers to live on the island, unfortunately many non-smokers, despite these new laws, are still fugitives and have to live in dark corners of restaurants and cafes desperately trying to dodge the 2nd (or even 3rd, 4th, 5th,... ...nth) hand smoke.
In the recent past non-smokers were not allowed in to the country and Cypriot non-smokers were deported to the UK in order for them to become Charlies (Char Li Es), since they had no use working for the government in Cyprus. The aforementioned set of laws has also brought the mandatory smoking age up to 10 (from it's previous value of 6 years of age) for boys and 8 for girls (because boys have to do 2 years in the army). If you do visit Cyprus make sure you smoke at all times, you never know who is watching.
There has been a lot of debate lately as to why Cypriots smoke so much, the two leading (and competing) theories are: 1. Monty Python and other really cool (kewl/1337) shows make it look cool, 2. Cypriots aspire, through Darwinian evolution (as opposed to Nintendo evolution, see pokemon) to make everybody immune to lung cancer. That is an advantage over the Turks. By the year 2020 most Cypriots will be immune and (obviously the ones who developed lung cancer will be showing symptoms of acute death) and then, gamo to (F#@K it), the island can be reunited.
Important Note: Recent studies have proved that Cypriots don't smoke because of Monty Python , because simply the majority of them never watched it.
[edit] National Income
The national income for Cyprus come from a Kazanti in the Finigouthes, Larnaca. It amounts to "what they hope is more than on the North side" because "that's what's most important".
[edit] Real Estate
See Orthodox Church
[edit] Corruption
See Orthodox Church
[edit] Most Impressive Electoral Sysem
See Orthodox Church
[edit] Euro
As of January the 1st 2008 the the official currency of Cyprus still is the Cypriot pound is the Euro. The exhange rate had long been locked to 1 EUR = 0.58 CYP, which was convenient enough for financial analysts, although car park attendands prefer to perform a limited integration of a log geotrigonometric series that usually arrives to the result that although 1 EUR = 0.58 CYP, it can also be proven that 1 CYP = 0.58 EUR, depending on who's paying and who's giving the change.
Cypriots can now brag that they're using the most commonly used currency in the world, since the adoption of the currency by their huge population has obviously tipped the scales.
[edit] Cyprus Military
The Cyprus Armed Forces (National Guard)is universal to all, except: ethnic minorities, religious minorities, sexual minorities, medical minorities, plants, animals, transitional metals and women; It has over 1 troop, half a Fighter Jet, two grenades and a bunch of short range (fires up to 10 meters) missiles it purchased from Russia (URS-300) (which are actually stationed in Greece). This way, if the Turkeys, (whose standing army alone amounts to Cyprus's total population) actually come to finish off the job, Cypriots can surprise them and then of course claim their unrightful Hellenic Lands. (Note: Cyprus´ foreign policy plans include vetoing Turkey´s EU bid, and then closing it down and opening a Doner shop). Futhermore, the Cypriot army offers a variety of careers available for those that love danger. So, if you are brave enough you can serve the army as an EPY ( epeidi peinw, ypiretw - cause i'm hungry i serve ). EPYs have created quite a myth for their name over the years. It is said that the very first EPY was Chuck Norris himself, giving EPYs another reason to be proud. They are usually found near warehouses and gas stations arguing and shouting about "CHEEEEEEESE", the national guard's traditional work.
A typical day at the Cyprus army (non-break time)
[edit] Religion
Cyprus is currently experiencing technical difficulties with Abrahamic and Judaic religions. A Matrix team is currently working on the problem, so please be patient. Until the issue is resolved, may we suggest other good readings filled with moral teachings such as the "little red riding hood"or the "three little pigs" - although the first has an "x" rated section, where the wolf actually eats the granny.
[edit] Notable Visits
Jack Bauer once visited Cyprus to verify the authenticity of the Cyprus Recordings. Once Jack found out that the Cyprus recording where fake, he was so pissed that he started running around the island. He ended up on a mountain called Pentadaxtilos (Five Fingers). To his frustration, he picked up a very large rock and threw it as far as he could. From this incident the phrase “ospou ftani i koutala tou” derived, which roughly means as far as he could.
The rock landed somewhere near Paphos and was named Jacks Rock... However Cypriots for some reason call it. "Petra to Romiou".
One should never forget visit the picturesque village of Armenochori, in the northern Limassol district.
The British Army visited Cyprus in the late 1860's and are still enjoying the warm reception awarded to them by Cypriots. They were granted land by hospitable locals to built their own military bases and airstrips, which to this day are still an area of great Anglo- Cypriot pride. Dekelia and Akrotiri are known as 'The Jewel in the Republics Crown'.
[edit] Famous Cypriots
- Aphrodite or Venus Prior to the distant past, the famous Greek goddess of love, Aphrodite, was born on Cyprus before moving to Mount Olympus for the duration of the Classical period. After the fall of ancient Greece she became a Hollywood movie star, appearing under the stage name of 'Audrey Hepburn', an anagram of her name in Greek. In 1998 she represented Cyprus in the Eurovision Song Contest and came third.
- Archbishop Makarios III Assumed name of Mikhail Khristodoulou Mouskos (1913-77), cleric and fashion icon. Makarios was the first President of an independent Cypriot republic, and presided over a period of hotel-building and invasion. In 1976 Makarios beat Pope Paul VI to be named 'World's Best-Dressed Cleric', becoming the first non-Italian to win the title since Dawn French, the first Vicar of Dibley, three hundred years previously. Also very close friends with Fidel Castro.
It is important to note that although there have only been two famous Cypriots, this is one more than Belgium. Additionally, neither of them are fictitious characters, which gives Cyprus a clear advantage. The search for a third famous person continues.
There are claims that the pop singers Peter Andre and George Michael are both of Cypriot origin. It is believed that this malicious rumour was circulated by the Turkish Secret Service. An obvious clue is that Peter Andre's name is an anagram of 'A Pretender'. Also, if George Michael had a Cypriot connection he would be called George George, Michael Michael, or George Hadjimichael, but not 'George Michael'.
Actually, Zenon of Kition, the most prominent stoic philosopher in the Roman Empire was born in Cyprus and is on the face of our 20 cent coins, but alas his name is not George George, Michael Michael, or George Hadjimichael either.
- Stelios 'easy' Hadjioannou is the only (at least that we know of) cypriot knight. He's running his business in the cypriot traditional way i.e 'life is short eat fast'.The tycoon's tanker family originated from Pedoulas , a village in the cold and extremely high mountains (altitude 8000m coming second only to mt Everest) of Cyprus . His sister Klelia is claimed to have dated the big teddyboy Prince Albert of Monaco
There's also an artist by the name of Tracey Emin, who has her stuff displayed at the Tate Modern, but since she's Turkish Cypriot we can't count her as Cypriot.
[edit] History
Cyprus has been populated (by Americans) since pre historic times.
The Neolithic Cypriots are the first humans to have successfully driven an animal (two actually) species to extinction. The remnants of the last pygmy elephant and rhino were found in a cave in Cyprus, next to the remnants of a fire.
This proves that Cyprus has always been ahead of other nations, both in inventing the barbecue, and in the management of Wildlife.
[edit] Geolocation
Cyprus is the "arfalos tis gis" (bellybutton of the Earth), this might explain the smell. It asked its mum if it could have a piercing done at Station or some dingy place but I dunno wtf dude, I know it got two tattoos oneof a hammer and one of a sicle on each breast and squaches them together to create a common communist symbol. No, not the swastika, you douche!
Cyprus is a separate continent, beating the new boys in Australia on the Island Continent game by millennia, other continents fail to acknowledge this, but nobody in Cyprus cares what the barbarians think.
As such all flights in & out of Cyprus are intercontinental with regards to Cyprus citizens, explaining why Cyprus Airways charges them for a 40 minute flight, about 3 times what a "pousto xenos" (honoured guest) pays for a week in Cyprus including stay at a 4 star hotel.
[edit] Telecommunications
The Cyprus Telecommunication Authority (CYTA) owns the island. Cypriot women like to exchange social commentary with each other on a regular basis, ensuring that 99% of the income of a household that includes one ore more women is delivered, after taxation, to CYTA. CYTA being a state owned corporation, is then issued a budget by the government, that comes from the taxes mentioned previously. This is what people term * The Economic Miracle Of Cyprus, that took place after independence in 1960 and the Turkish army Cyprus tour of 1974: A state own organisation that makes money. Recently Vodafone bought a stake in CYTA, which is believed to have financed the buying of 50% of Verizon's in the US.
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