DHL
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[edit] DHL
“'...It was an accident...' or '...I just hated her...' Whatever the reason; you need the body gone, we don't care, we'll do it.”
~ "Fat Hans" on DHL core business
“Dude, pre-cleared customs!! That's the best stuff since cellulose papers in Amsterdam with the red-light district next door!!”
~ Woody Harrelson at a NORML convention on Drug Handling & Logistics
“Y'know, I get about three parcels from DHL a day, and one thing I've noticed is that all their employees seem to smell really bad...”
~ This Guy on DHL
[edit] OVERVIEW
DHL (Delivers Here Late, Documents Hopelessly Lost, Dead Hooker Logistics, Drug Handling & Logistics, Driving Half Loaded, Ditch Hundreds of Letters, Dewey-Hewey-&-Louie, Day-and-a-Half-Late, Donnie’s Homosexual Lifestyle, Dicker Hans Logistics) is an international condiment ministry. With Mustard yellow and Ketchup red shirts, they march door to door, evangelizing the wonder of the world’s two greatest condiments. And yes, like McDonald's, they deliver!
[edit] FOUNDER
DHL is founded by 3 dudes, primarily by Dicker Hans Löffel 'Fat Hans', the worlds fattest man, who's size and weight exceed the accepted normal dimensions and weight. The other two founding fathers are Herr Löffel´s love handles he carries with him at all times. He pisses off Terrance Noob Transport company 'TNT', one of his competitors. DHL was blitzkrieged by Douche Post (DPWN,) which curiously was named "Reichspost" in the 40's. It is still affectionally referred to by this name in certain circles.
Drug Handling & Logistics was actually founded in 1969 in San Fransisco by three stinky hippies who needed a new way to get pot without going through customs. They simply shipped the customs papers ahead of the shipment in order to have it cleared before their weed got there. But Hans ate all the weed and the first smuggling ship and is thus credited for the founding. That and the later DPWN cover up, trying to make the company seem more "German." Frisco, Smuggling and Hippies just don't fly in Bonn, unless they smoke their own product, then they levitate a little.
The takeover was easier than expected as DPWN (Digg the Prostiute a Way Near) simply asked to have the shares of DHL to be express delivered to their portfolio, just like Germany did with Poland (At this time owned by Zlad from Molvania) in '39. That is also how Deutsche Post was privatized: a savvy employee (postman Ichmagkatzenhuffen) simply claimed that Deutsche Post was too slow and there was no way they could ship him all DPWN shares and assets to him overnight. A few "na-na na-na boo-boos" later he became CEO by default. He has since shipped himself all over the world and enjoys buying smaller companies in order to take their employee's lunch money.
[edit] STRANGE THINGS
In some cases (and if you are lucky) you can see the DHL buildings. Regarding many circulating rumors: you can see inside things like sign "ARBEIT MACHT FREI" (for many reasons written in chinese). A personnal Messerschmitt for any top manager ready to escape when FedEx and UPS attack. Some people say that inside you can find the Stargate and also Ellen Ripley with Bishop (they leaved a message on a toilet "ER&B were here").
Every new DHL employee receives a brain chip which alters his mind and the only thing you can hear on their company parties is "Serve DHL. DHL is our destiny; MUST.... deliver.... more.... packages! In the name of DHL".
It has been noted that when a DHL package is late, the courier is often wearing a UPS or FedEx uniform, despite the package, paperwork and van still being DHL. Some people will believe that DHL is good but normal people will know it is shit don't tell the people that think it's good it's shit though as they will kill you and have a DHL van instead of a hearse at your yellow and red coded funeral.
[edit] DELIVERY METHODS
DHL is also know for their various methods of delivering parcels through out the world. DHL boats float along the canals in Amsterdam, in Asia bicycles are used alongside the more conventional Mustard Vans.
Some of the stranger ones include trained Chinchillas in little red/yellow vests and hats, overladen walking homing pidgeons, and sometimes illegal immigrants carrying said homing pidgeons.
About 120 miles west of Phoenix, AZ a research facility has been spotted where eyewitness accounts describe yellow missiles (proparbly a fake chinese copy of US ICBM Trident class missile, called "Nuco-leari-buum") with the red DHL logo and a sign behind the stockpile stating "Global Same Hour Delivery," in this stage it is unclear what implications this has on the parcel delivery market.
Another thing on this delivery company is, when you want to complain about the quality of services. On this moment a special squad of well trained couriers (also called the "Spetz-Naz") invades your home or company and with use of lethal weapons and easy-to-use customer solution program (shooting your Boss, wife, kids etc. - also called the "Final Solution") explain to You that there was never a problem. After leaving your property, they will give you a 25% rabat to any new product.
[edit] CUSTOMER PRODUCTS
Released
- Sameday delivery
- Nextday delivery
- Sameyear delivery
- Maybesomeday delivery
- Neverever delivery
Experimental non-released products
- Red and Blue (maybe FedEx?) Assasins
- Global Samehour Delivery
- DP and DU - Some of our spies thinks that is something to do with the GSD and it means "Delivering Plutonium" and "Delivering Uranium"
[edit] ENEMIES
Across the world scene, the DHLers are openly opposed by two rival organizations: The Mayo and olive empire of FedEx, and the ground beef patty that is UPS. Many wars have been fought between these roving gangs in their menacing armored vans. Millions have died in the great Sammich Wars that have raged between them over the past eight centuries.
[edit] SHOCKING EVENTS
- 2002 Germany airplane sexual intercourse, when a naughty DHL Boeing 757 fucked a Russian Tupolev TU-154 over southern Germany
[edit] THE FUTURE
There are many who believe the end of the war will come soon. Some preach of the buns of purity who will envelope us all in their grainy goodness. Others tell us that the cheese of righteousness will smother us all. Still others bow to the cult of the one tomato who will rule us all, and in the sammich bind us.
[edit] WHAT TO DO IF APPROACHED BY A DHLER
- Politely tell them that you already have your own condiments.
- Scream profanities and ask them why they don’t believe in the all beef patties.
- Graciously accept their offerings then quickly throw them away when they are out of sight.
- Become one with the Ketchup and Mustard.
